Thursday, March 18, 2010
End of the term - finals week. One more water aerobics class left.
A disaster with my math final - a very long story short: i wrote down the incorrect date for the last possible day to take the final and discovered it....a day late. Had this been a different week, I likely would have caught my error and been able to fix it - but I didn't.
this week? Spent 6+ hours in ER with a kid at the beginning of the week that has a bigger medical problem than I thought. Partner had total meltdown one day - I did manage not to get sucked in to trying to fix anything for her. I was able to be compassionate, and still keep myself from falling apart because she was falling apart - this is a rather new skill set so while I was successful, it took vigilance in separating myself from her emotions and was sort of exhausting. Had to pull my big girl panties up at work and find a way to deal firmly, yet kindly, with someone I supervise....and so far I've put in 7 hours of water aerobics in 4 days.
And it's only Thursday.
The college stuff...rankles. I've had extremely good grades and this will pull my GPA down and it annoys me. But it's certainly a sign from the Universe that its time to take that break and concentrate on me, my health, and I. The kid stuff...well, that's what the miracles of modern science are for, eh? I'll trust that will come out fine. the partner? I can celebrate that I didn't get sucked in - even tho my tools are worn thin this week. The work thing? I dealt with it. i didn't sit and hope it would get better. I took care of it, and i'm proud of how I handled it.
So out of this week of muck...I see a wide open road before me. More time. A LOT more time. Time to work on my health. time to actually READ my sparkfriend's pages again and comment! time to read a book. time. Most precious time - that for once is being directed at caring for myself.
(Holding right hand up with left hand on heart) "I, Lisa from Oregon, do solemly swear to spend the next five months working on my health and my peace of mind. I will not volunteer, I will not take on responsibilities that would be good for someone else to try for a change, and will spend time weekly working on my mind, heart and body, so help me God."
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
In typical co-dependant fashion, I spent my 20's and 30's taking care of everyone but myself. Of course it's good to care for your children, your family, your spouse ...but when you exclude caring for yourself, not so healthy.
I've spent the last 10 years working on self care. Like many things for me, at first I thought a lot about it, but didn't really do it, LOL.
The last five years I've actually began to DO it, in no small thanks to a loving partner who wants me to care for myself and have nice things. Wow, what a change in though processes that was!
While it's still really hard for me to splurge on myself, I'm learning! As well, even the simple "usual" self care of medical appointments, hair cuts, that kind of thing - I'm learning to do it and not feel guilty about it.
In honor of my birthday month, I scheduled my first-ever appointment with a dermatologist for help with my raging eczema and a skin cancer check. I have good insurance and have had good insurance for the last 10 years - and I used it well on my children....but rarely used it for myself. I felt guilty.
Realizing that was unhealthy - to feel guilty about having a doctor appointment or getting your teeth cleaned? geez! - and being able to move from being paralyzed by that guilt into not only doing it, but feeling good about it? Pretty big shift in awareness, let me tell you!
So, in a few minutes I'll be off to take care of the dermatologist appointment. Big step, good step, for me.
Last night I conquered two water aerobics classes and honestly, it wasn't all that bad. I was totally RAVENOUS when I dragged my butt out of the pool tho, so I'll be making sure to have a good protein snack before I repeat the effort tonight!
How about YOU? Is self-care easy peasy for you...or is it an effort?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Now I know why they call the week before finals "dead week". Cause you're dead on your feet, that's why.
It was worth it, brought my math grade up to 96% going into the final this week, but with working OT all term, wow has it been a crazy 10 weeks.
In order to get an A in water aerobics, I must attend 10 water aerobics classes in the next 5 days. For a B I'd need 9, and 8 for a C. I'm going for that C, LOL. I'll sure rack up some sparkpoints with 8 hours of water aerobics this week, LOL. I have to do so many partly because of my work schedule, I missed some classes and partly from my old friend procrastination.
My month of consistency has only been truly consistent in one thing: Work. I've thoroughly realized I'm not cut out to work 50 hours a week long term - not with my crazy life of dance and trying to earn this degree anyway. But, I have learned a lot this term about myself and that's all success eh? Learning how you tick, the good and the not so good.
My birthday was very quiet, went to see Alice in Wonderland and then last night the dance troupe came and we played a bit of Wii fit and laughed a lot and had dinner. All very good for the soul.
Goals this week? well despite my lofty hopes, it's boiled down to this:
I still have to work OT this week, and will work 6 days. It's just life - the new person is close to being fully trained and that will put me back in the land of the living, just 40 plain ol hours a week and no more 6 days a week. I just have to get through this week of finals and churn out those aerobics classes - at least that will be GOOD for me, LOL.
Thanks to the folks who checked in on me wondering if I'd up and dropped of the face of the earth...nope. just crazy busy. But your check ins reminded me of the support available here for my crazy life and my journey toward health. thank you. It means a lot.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Back to thoughts on consistency for my birthday month of March.
With the recent trauma/drama, I've not had the time I wanted to think about this.
I've looked back at my fitness reports. I had a huge improvement in my cardio minutes over this last term of school, thanks to water aerobics. Because i was so freaking busy all the time, it really felt like I was working out several times a week...but in reality, my consistency was 3x a week. Now, i'm going to take a moment and savor that success. it WAS a success - Consistent, 60 minutes a pop, toning and resistance built right in since it was in the pool...and super soft on my arthritic knees. I have to slam in another 7 classes in the next two weeks for a decent grade, and then it's done, but all in all? A great success.
Now that i've savored that moment - on to what i'd like to do differently. Water aerobics was easy on my joints, i did it with my partner and that was relationship building, and I feel good about those things. I don't think it helped my stamina per se for dance, as it's not weight bearing and I suspect it didn't get my heart rate up enough for me to have weight loss benefits from it. Doesn't mean it was a bad or useless thing, just an awareness that for ME, it wasn't enough to truly burn calories much OR help me to dance stronger, longer.
Once March 19 rolls past and I've completed the class requirments, i've decided to do zumba. It's fun and dance oriented AND I have friends who go. It will be easier to stay on track and committed when friends are meeting me there, etc. I am quite positive it will help with stamina for dance, since the little intro class I took kicked my heinie, LOL. Thus, calories will be burned. The struggle with this will be cost - when I took water aerobics, I could use financial aid to fund my 10 weeks of water aerobics AND get a grade. Sweet, eh? Now, since I am taking spring and summer term off, there will be no financial aid. Classes run $7 a pop or I can buy a prepaid punch card...or a month at a time for the community rec center. none of those are freakishly high, but it will be money i have to pull from somewhere.
that leads me into my next consistency item, breakfast. How are breakfast and paying for my Zumba related? Well, I've gotten into the very bad habit of convenience - going through drive through for an oatmeal at Starbucks or getting one at jamba. Now, the oatmeal is a great choice - but it's pretty ridiculous to pay $2.49 to $2.99 for a little cup of oatmeal. I had a gift card I used at Jamba, but that's all gone now. So, I went to the store and purchased my favorite brand of steel cut oats and some dried fruit. I'll fix my breakfast before I go and save myself that $2.50-$3 a day and that will go into my zumba fund. By the time I'm able to start zumba, I'll have around $30 saved and will not feel guilty about doing the Zumba thing, AND I will have had a great start to the day with my oatmeal.
Lastly, the most immediate thing I am working on is WATER. I am sooo bad about that. so, chug a lug my friends, drink that water!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
This is probably a little intense for the causal reader who wants to hear about weight loss only. This relates to my weight as an underlying cause, but it concerns family problems and unpleasantness. Stop now if you prefer not to read it. That simple. I've kept it pretty PC - but there are issues touched on that could make the casual reader uncomfortable. if that's you, click away and have a nice day.
I did not come from a healthy home. My mom was mentally ill and untreated and it just wasn't a pretty picture.
The exposure to that made me want to do things very differently in my own adult life and as a parent.
I'm not a perfect person, or a perfect parent. No one is. We hopefully do our best, learn from our mistakes and grow.
Often people say "well, your parents did their best, you have to forgive them and move on". I believe to a high extent that's true. For me, my mom refused treatment for her schizophrenia and refused to take responsibility for her mistakes - her response to literally everything is "it's not my fault". There can't be much reconciliation when someone refuses all responsibility for their actions.
I realized a long time ago, what I needed from my mom was for her to just say "Look I blew it - I made mistakes. I'm sorry". She was never capable of saying that. I didn't need her to make it up to me, or do some radical thing...I just needed her to admit she'd blown it and say she was sorry. Because she refused treatment for her mental illness, she could never come to that place and later succumbed to dementia.
I'll never hear it from her - I'll never hear she's sorry, and while I won't go into detail here, I'm not sweating the small stuff here, I suffered horrific physical, mental and sexual abuse at her hands. I'm not angry because she didn't get me the equivalent of a cell phone in the 70s. I'm angry because she abused me, she allowed others to abuse me, and she never acknowledged her responsibilty for that. Unfortunately, in trying to not be my mother, in some respects i swung too far in the other direction - taking responsibility for everyone and everything - can you say "codependant"? It's only through a lot of work that I've come to a more realistic center - understanding I'm not responsible for everyone, that they make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. i can't rescue them. I can give them a hand if they ask for it, but they have to be responsible for their own choices and actions.
So I wanted to be a very differnt mom than the one I had. I've tried hard to be the best parent I could, I've done a lot of therapy, and I've never hesitated to say what I never heard from my own mom "I blew it, I'm sorry".
My oldest daughter and I have had a rocky relationship since she hit puberty. Strong willed in the extreme - she took a path of drugs/alcohol and sex in her teens, caused a lot of discord in the home where I had three other children to raise, took off in her middle teens and never looked back really. Did I make mistakes? yes I did. I also did the best i could to change the problems that were coming from me and when she came home I got her into inpatient rehab, and have stood firmly behind her whether she had the time of day for me or not. She calls me when she needs something, usually money, but that's about it. she comes on the holidays and eats and leaves.
This week, she interfered in a pretty destructive way in my parenting of the two children left in the home. I'm pretty done with her. I can't express how painful that is - this is my child, and yet, I'm so angry and hurt, I don't want to even try to have relationship with her. The ball is in her court. If she wants relationship with me, she'll have to do the work of it - because i can't hold up the bridge by myself any more. I need to step back and let her go, and hope that she decides she wants relationship with me.
I've cried and I've ranted and raved to my therapist...but i haven't eaten over this. It's not over by a long shot, but so far, I've kept sane through the pain and not turned to my drug - food.
Life is about relationship. Our relationship with our parents is a key factor in our development. I'm only just learning how the relationship with our adult children affects us. There are no perfect families, no perfect moms - but there is still room to grow, eh? Hopefully for me and for my daughter.
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