Thursday, March 25, 2010
This is a recurring theme for me. Certainly not in all aspects of my life - but the personal parts of my life, for sure.
At work - well, I work in healthcare. My job impacts people who are being diagnosed and treated for a variety of disesases including the 'big C' - Cancer. I take it extremely personally - cancer has taken people I loved. I'm no big shaker and mover in healthcare by any means, just a small cog in a very big wheel, but I take it incredibly seriously. So I work REALLY hard at giving my job my best attention and care. I give my job 110% every day that I can.
I also give the relationships in my life as close to 100% as I can. Now, this doesn't mean being a door mat (been there, done that, have the T shirt) - it means I actively work on relationship with my partner, my children and a few people who are important to me. I've lost all my family to death or being disowned for coming out of the closet. So the people I have left in my life? They are very precious to me.
But my health? My dance? My art? Those things - in reality the things that nourish my spirit and body - those things get the short end of the stick much, much too often.
I'm tired from working too much - not by choice but by staffing problems at work. I'm worn down from doing too much for too long (school work dance family). When I'm in this mode, the lifelong battle with depression is not just at my door, but sitting on my couch eating all my food and watching my cable, LOL. It's entrenched. And when you are depressed - more than that day-to-day low level depression I live with - it's hard to step into the stream and move against the current.
If I don't wade against the current however, I'll just float down to the ocean again - the ocean of the easy way. Fast food, sitting and not moving, "veging" and not creating or doing.
I know there are a lot of people just like me. They mean well, they have good intentions....that they don't follow through on. Today's blog is to remind me that wading against the current means I am working toward my own "well spring" from which the water flows - My "source" - of life, of creativity, of health and happiness.
So how do YOU make yourself get off your personal floatie and start wading against the current to YOUR source? Please share - enquiring minds wanna know, and I don't mean The Enquirer.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
It's spring! The trees are finally budding! Sunshine!
And my old nemesis, Allergy Season beginith. Itchy eyes, itchy skin. Double doses of Claritin. Whoo hoo for Claritin, or I'd have no skin left around my itchy eyes.
Keeping up the fitness minutes sans water aerobics is a challenge. To help meet my daily fitness minute goal of 60 minutes of activity a day, I've added back in my two 10 minute walks during my break - especially now that it's not so frigid outside. Trying to add in dance - consistent dance not stop and go stop and go every 3 minutes. Trying to fit in some Wii fit and dog walking to make up the difference.
I really know I need 60 minutes of cardio a day most days of the week to keep on track and losing - but fitting that in (without the requirement of meeting a college credit) is a challenge in itself for me. I've been going nonstop for months, and now I really wanna just hang out and do nothing! But that will not meet my goals - so I'm working that 60 minutes a day, like it or lump it. Once it's daylight here earlier, I can slam out a 30 minute walk in the mornings and I'm looking forward to that. I'm not a walk-in-the-dark fan....not so much safety wise in my neighborhood, but I'm clumsy LOL and will trip if I can't see the bumps in the sidewalk.
So, today's tag: What is YOUR fitness minute goal for most days of the week AND how do you use up those minutes? Enquiring minds must know....
Monday, March 22, 2010
So, I've lost a little weight.
nice, eh? i was feeling pretty good about it.
Then I decided to use a $100 bonus I got at work for a bit of new clothing. I'm in the dressing room and I'm even buying a size smaller - whoot!! but...something just looks wrong to me. See, I've been carrying my weight around my middle - I'm an apple shape. Surely one of the worst health indicators about my obesity - carrying your weight where I do is a precursor to heart disease etc. But as i try on a few things and stand there in the fluorescent lights and full-length mirror...something isn't looking right.
At first, i blame the cut of the pants i'm trying on....but as I begin to look at myself between fittings i realize...the apple has fallen.
The weight loss has caused the once firm apple belly i had to shift. The lower belly is now pretty flabby and it haannngs. Like in a fold it hangs. In a flap.
okay, yes this is a GOOD thing and losing weight is a GOOD thing and important for my health. But wow, it looks nasty. I went home and after my shower stood in the mirror and was pretty horrified, LOL.
I spoke to a gal in my dance class who lost arond 100 pounds and asked did this happen to you? and she laughed and said "tummy tuck honey, tummy tuck!"
course I have many more pounds to go before that is realistic and I will need to accept the changes in my body as they come. Of course it doesn't make sense that my body would just shrink back to the way it used to be - i've been 100 pounds overweight for a long time. i just somehow didn't expect this kind of flabby "accessory" until farther in my weight loss and was pretty surprised.
it's spring break here and school for me is done. woo hoo. I start zumba next monday and I'm really excited. Now I have to go do wii fit so I keep my fitness minutes up without the water aerobics! Happy monday!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Replace the word "jail" with H-E-double hockey sticks and you have my current mood summed up quite simply.
I had a falling out a few years ago with a woman I really c0nsidered my best friend. It was really painful - but over time I was able to see my part in the downfall of the friendship and let go of the hurt I experienced.
That was until today when she sent me an out-of-the-blue email that was definitely in "attack mode".
Instantly, all those feelings welled right back up! I felt defensive, hurt and angry. And the very first thing I thought, after "go to H-E-L-L" was ...I want chocolate!
Wow, that's sure ingrained. The "I hurt and I want sugar" reflex. Mind you, I've done pretty darn good with cutting my sugar severely...but in the heat of the moment, I wanted a whole chocolate bar, or a milkshake or some other form of my drug to soothe me.
Instead, I went and got a water and I'm drinking it and writing here to remind myself I really don't want chocolate - I just don't want to hurt and I've been soothing myself with sugar for ohhhhh, 30 years?
I'm not replying to her, it's not worth it. But I'm also not giving in to my drug craving either - because that is far worse.
Okay, tag, you're it. Tell me how you have learned to soothe yourself without food?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
End of the term - finals week. One more water aerobics class left.
A disaster with my math final - a very long story short: i wrote down the incorrect date for the last possible day to take the final and discovered it....a day late. Had this been a different week, I likely would have caught my error and been able to fix it - but I didn't.
this week? Spent 6+ hours in ER with a kid at the beginning of the week that has a bigger medical problem than I thought. Partner had total meltdown one day - I did manage not to get sucked in to trying to fix anything for her. I was able to be compassionate, and still keep myself from falling apart because she was falling apart - this is a rather new skill set so while I was successful, it took vigilance in separating myself from her emotions and was sort of exhausting. Had to pull my big girl panties up at work and find a way to deal firmly, yet kindly, with someone I supervise....and so far I've put in 7 hours of water aerobics in 4 days.
And it's only Thursday.
The college stuff...rankles. I've had extremely good grades and this will pull my GPA down and it annoys me. But it's certainly a sign from the Universe that its time to take that break and concentrate on me, my health, and I. The kid stuff...well, that's what the miracles of modern science are for, eh? I'll trust that will come out fine. the partner? I can celebrate that I didn't get sucked in - even tho my tools are worn thin this week. The work thing? I dealt with it. i didn't sit and hope it would get better. I took care of it, and i'm proud of how I handled it.
So out of this week of muck...I see a wide open road before me. More time. A LOT more time. Time to work on my health. time to actually READ my sparkfriend's pages again and comment! time to read a book. time. Most precious time - that for once is being directed at caring for myself.
(Holding right hand up with left hand on heart) "I, Lisa from Oregon, do solemly swear to spend the next five months working on my health and my peace of mind. I will not volunteer, I will not take on responsibilities that would be good for someone else to try for a change, and will spend time weekly working on my mind, heart and body, so help me God."
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