Monday, March 29, 2010
Well, it's Monday in all it's glory. Rainy, windy, cold weather. Ick.
My 16 yo was scoped and biopsied Friday and results are in: Eosinophilic esophagitis causing a severe narrowing of the esophagus and subsequent constant choking episodes. It's a result of allergies - the allergies cause inflammation and scar tissue to form in the esophagus. We're looking at long term meds, allergy testing, possible diet modification etc. Just what an asthmatic teen wants, to be even more "different". But I'm relieved there is a reason behind all of this suffering she's had and things we can do to change that.
Again, it brings me to FOOD. How we are supposed to eat to nourish our bodies - and the various pitfalls we can slide into from not trying, trying weird things, etc. The cabbage soup diet comes to mind, LOL. The whole Eat Less, Move More theory is GREAT - sometimes. It's not always easy on a day-to-day basis, is it? Holidays, special meals, failing to prepare and having healthy go-to items around at all times...the reasons I slip on my eating are too many to mention. Over and over, I have found myself feeling obessessed with food because I'm trying to lose weight.
Obsessed with the numbers...calories, fat, carbs. Obsessively counting, rearranging, etc. Often with very little results to show for a lot of angst and counting. We've all been on "diets" or "food plans" where we attempt to stay below a certain number...number of calories, number of fat grams, number of carbs...it can sure lead to crazy making sometimes. Even Weight Watchers - I didn't count the usual things, but it was still counting - counting points.
Our ancestors didn't count. they had to run around and catch their food or toil the day long to harvest it...and obesity was rare. today, our food can be instant and almost lethal in it's combination of fat/sugar/chemicals.
When I did WW...and the medically supervised fast...and the Atkin's diet...and all of them really, even just counting what I ate here at Spark - the more I look at the food numbers, the more obsessed I get with the numbers and the less satisfied I am with what i've eaten. I stay hungry - miserable.
I wonder about lapband sometimes. I have a friend who had it and lost 100+ pounds. Great eh? Sure, except if she eats more than 1/2 cup of food at a sitting she vomits - and this has been a recurring thing for 3+ years. I'm not so fond of throwing up. Think after three years of it I'd be a nut case. Lapband is out of my price range, not covered by my insurance and to me, somewhat drastic. Then again, carrying 240ish pounds on a 5 foot frame is pretty drastic too. I know other people who think of it as "cheating" - the "easy" way to lose weight - like it's not valid because they didn't do it the hard way. Frankly, I think throwing up for years is not the easy way, LOL. I think being limited to 1/4 to 1/2 cup food FOR LIFE is not the "easy way". But that's just me...
I'm obviously not srriously considering it because it's not a feasible consideration for me. How about you? Ever thought about it? Have you had it? If you had a free coupon for lapband today, would you do it? Interested in hearing other's thoughts on this.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
This is a recurring theme for me. Certainly not in all aspects of my life - but the personal parts of my life, for sure.
At work - well, I work in healthcare. My job impacts people who are being diagnosed and treated for a variety of disesases including the 'big C' - Cancer. I take it extremely personally - cancer has taken people I loved. I'm no big shaker and mover in healthcare by any means, just a small cog in a very big wheel, but I take it incredibly seriously. So I work REALLY hard at giving my job my best attention and care. I give my job 110% every day that I can.
I also give the relationships in my life as close to 100% as I can. Now, this doesn't mean being a door mat (been there, done that, have the T shirt) - it means I actively work on relationship with my partner, my children and a few people who are important to me. I've lost all my family to death or being disowned for coming out of the closet. So the people I have left in my life? They are very precious to me.
But my health? My dance? My art? Those things - in reality the things that nourish my spirit and body - those things get the short end of the stick much, much too often.
I'm tired from working too much - not by choice but by staffing problems at work. I'm worn down from doing too much for too long (school work dance family). When I'm in this mode, the lifelong battle with depression is not just at my door, but sitting on my couch eating all my food and watching my cable, LOL. It's entrenched. And when you are depressed - more than that day-to-day low level depression I live with - it's hard to step into the stream and move against the current.
If I don't wade against the current however, I'll just float down to the ocean again - the ocean of the easy way. Fast food, sitting and not moving, "veging" and not creating or doing.
I know there are a lot of people just like me. They mean well, they have good intentions....that they don't follow through on. Today's blog is to remind me that wading against the current means I am working toward my own "well spring" from which the water flows - My "source" - of life, of creativity, of health and happiness.
So how do YOU make yourself get off your personal floatie and start wading against the current to YOUR source? Please share - enquiring minds wanna know, and I don't mean The Enquirer.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
It's spring! The trees are finally budding! Sunshine!
And my old nemesis, Allergy Season beginith. Itchy eyes, itchy skin. Double doses of Claritin. Whoo hoo for Claritin, or I'd have no skin left around my itchy eyes.
Keeping up the fitness minutes sans water aerobics is a challenge. To help meet my daily fitness minute goal of 60 minutes of activity a day, I've added back in my two 10 minute walks during my break - especially now that it's not so frigid outside. Trying to add in dance - consistent dance not stop and go stop and go every 3 minutes. Trying to fit in some Wii fit and dog walking to make up the difference.
I really know I need 60 minutes of cardio a day most days of the week to keep on track and losing - but fitting that in (without the requirement of meeting a college credit) is a challenge in itself for me. I've been going nonstop for months, and now I really wanna just hang out and do nothing! But that will not meet my goals - so I'm working that 60 minutes a day, like it or lump it. Once it's daylight here earlier, I can slam out a 30 minute walk in the mornings and I'm looking forward to that. I'm not a walk-in-the-dark fan....not so much safety wise in my neighborhood, but I'm clumsy LOL and will trip if I can't see the bumps in the sidewalk.
So, today's tag: What is YOUR fitness minute goal for most days of the week AND how do you use up those minutes? Enquiring minds must know....
Monday, March 22, 2010
So, I've lost a little weight.
nice, eh? i was feeling pretty good about it.
Then I decided to use a $100 bonus I got at work for a bit of new clothing. I'm in the dressing room and I'm even buying a size smaller - whoot!! but...something just looks wrong to me. See, I've been carrying my weight around my middle - I'm an apple shape. Surely one of the worst health indicators about my obesity - carrying your weight where I do is a precursor to heart disease etc. But as i try on a few things and stand there in the fluorescent lights and full-length mirror...something isn't looking right.
At first, i blame the cut of the pants i'm trying on....but as I begin to look at myself between fittings i realize...the apple has fallen.
The weight loss has caused the once firm apple belly i had to shift. The lower belly is now pretty flabby and it haannngs. Like in a fold it hangs. In a flap.
okay, yes this is a GOOD thing and losing weight is a GOOD thing and important for my health. But wow, it looks nasty. I went home and after my shower stood in the mirror and was pretty horrified, LOL.
I spoke to a gal in my dance class who lost arond 100 pounds and asked did this happen to you? and she laughed and said "tummy tuck honey, tummy tuck!"
course I have many more pounds to go before that is realistic and I will need to accept the changes in my body as they come. Of course it doesn't make sense that my body would just shrink back to the way it used to be - i've been 100 pounds overweight for a long time. i just somehow didn't expect this kind of flabby "accessory" until farther in my weight loss and was pretty surprised.
it's spring break here and school for me is done. woo hoo. I start zumba next monday and I'm really excited. Now I have to go do wii fit so I keep my fitness minutes up without the water aerobics! Happy monday!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Replace the word "jail" with H-E-double hockey sticks and you have my current mood summed up quite simply.
I had a falling out a few years ago with a woman I really c0nsidered my best friend. It was really painful - but over time I was able to see my part in the downfall of the friendship and let go of the hurt I experienced.
That was until today when she sent me an out-of-the-blue email that was definitely in "attack mode".
Instantly, all those feelings welled right back up! I felt defensive, hurt and angry. And the very first thing I thought, after "go to H-E-L-L" was ...I want chocolate!
Wow, that's sure ingrained. The "I hurt and I want sugar" reflex. Mind you, I've done pretty darn good with cutting my sugar severely...but in the heat of the moment, I wanted a whole chocolate bar, or a milkshake or some other form of my drug to soothe me.
Instead, I went and got a water and I'm drinking it and writing here to remind myself I really don't want chocolate - I just don't want to hurt and I've been soothing myself with sugar for ohhhhh, 30 years?
I'm not replying to her, it's not worth it. But I'm also not giving in to my drug craving either - because that is far worse.
Okay, tag, you're it. Tell me how you have learned to soothe yourself without food?
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