Monday, April 19, 2010
Had a great weekend....dinner and a movie out with new friends, got to spend time with my sweetie, had a pretty relaxing day Sunday...all in all, a great weekend! Got my hair touched up and nails done - helps me to feel more positive when I look in the mirror when I know I look my best.
Today, had a 2 pound weight loss from last week and that felt really good - loss the last 2 weigh ins means I'm being consistent and that's often my pitfall. So all in all, pretty good stuff.
This is a short work week for me and I'm very excited about that, lol! After months of working 6 days a week, having a bit of time off is very exciting, LOL. We will take off for Portland Friday through Saturday. My dance troupe will perform at a dance festival on Saturday and we'll be packing the weekend with some great fun - watching a ton of bellydance at the festival, hitting Pasha's restaurant in downtown Portland for some professional bellydance goodness, a trip to Powell's City of Books, and general shopping in fun stores we do not have in my little rural town. Can't quite express my pleasure - we've not been out of town really in months and when you live in a rural area, it's pretty exciting to go to the big city, LOL.
Still working on 10k steps a day. My it's a slow progression - and of course that annoys me, I want it to be perfect 10 K now, right now! But I'm having steady improvement and that's got to be good enough.
Time to get off the computer and get ready for the day. here's hoping for some sunshine today, for me and for you, wherever you may be.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I took today off from work.
I never take days off work. Granted, I planned it, LOL. I didn't call in sick or anything - I'm just taking a vacation day.
specifically chose today - partner at school almost all day, kids in school all day.
That means, my introvert can be fed by what it craves most - silence. Just me and the dog. No TV, no radio on in the background. If I practice the routine for our upcoming performance, the music will be on but it will be intentional, you know?
I need silence, alone time, on a regular basis or I get overdone....anxious...depressed. I love people, I love my family, but I finally learned in my 30's - I really need alone time or i get worn thin and I turn into a complete witch. With the nature of life lately, I've had no alone time. I've also been forced to be more outgoing than usual due to training someone at work and that has taken a toll on me.
See, I can fake it really well. I teach dance classes and I perform and I train people at work and blah blah blah...and people assume I'm an outgoing kinda gal. Nope. Not. It takes a tremendous amount of energy for me to be social for long stretches when I'm not getting that alone time to recharge.
So today is my day to recharge. A day of silence, doing a few chores, reading, walking the dog, dance practice...and probably a very nice nap, LOL.
I didn't make it to zumba last night and was really disappointed. Even more disappointed when I saw I was no where near 10K steps at the end of the day. It's a new goal to restart and I'm going to work on adding 10% a day to get it up there. Because of course my first thought was I'll walk 3 x a day and THAT will get me to 10k. That is totally unreasonable considering my life. 10% increase, now that is reasonable.
Enjoy your day - or evening - if you're across the pond. Hugs.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
People are interesting. If three people witness a car wreck...a robbery...even a party or event, there will be subtle (or not so subtle!) differences in their recollection of events. "He was wearing a red shirt with blue stripes" "No, the stripes were white!" etc. Three people can watch an evening of television and one will say "OMG, Modern Family is the funniest show on TV!" The second may say it was boring and the third may pronounce it "total crap! Worst show I ever saw!"
We have varying tastes. We have varying perceptions of what is "reality". We see and hear things - the same thing everyone in the room heard - but we process it differently, assign it different importance or credence. It's part of our individuality - why there is more than one kind of music, one kind of fiction, one kind of religion or political party - we like different things, we perceive things differently, we have different belief systems.
If you asked those three people what depression was - you'd likely get three different answers - not to mention three different opinions on how to deal with it. "Take it easy. Take extra good care of yourself right now." "Have you thought about medication?" "BUCK UP SOLDIER!! You think your life is tough? Well I don't know what you think you have to be depressed about!"
Those of us who live with depression - chronic, sometimes low-level underlying depression....sometimes I-can't-stop-crying-all-I-can-do-is-sleep depression....hear so many variants on the above themes about this ever-present thing in our lives. Consider depression like a disease - Crohn's or asthma or what have you. You may not be having a flare today, but that doesn't mean it's gone, does it? You still have the asthma or the Crohn's....but today perhaps you aren't affected by it - today, life is "normal". Tomorrow could be a totally different story and your every waking hour you could be incredibly aware of your condition.
That is how I find life with depression to be. Life with post-traumatic stress disorder. One day could be fine, the next day could be painful in the extreme - racing thoughts, anxiety attack...tears that won't stop. Or...days of low-level just pushing through to make it through the day - not crying, not obviously depressed....but it's there. I see it in my thought processes, my lack of motivation or absence of what my grandma liked to call her "get up and go". She'd say when she was tired "I don't have any get up and go!"
So where am I going with all this? Heck if I know. I write here to put my thoughts in order - tho sometimes there may seem to be little order to the finished product. I'm working on defining my depression....defining what helps it....defining what exacerbates it. Realizing that some people will never, ever get it. They see depression as "self pity". Do I have self pity? Well, yeah! I'm human...I think we all do at times. But that's not how I define my depression. Self pity is a very different feeling from depression. My depression tends to be associated with over-stress, anniversary dates of childhood abuse (which yep, you guessed it....one of those is here on my mental doorstep)...and holidays.
Self pity is associated with not getting what I want, LOL. To me, not the same thing. To you, perhaps it's the same thing.
"I tell you, the shirt had blue stripes!!" "Maybe you need glasses, buddy, cause the stripes were WHITE!"
Friday, April 09, 2010
The office has been awash with food all week, and today seems to be the culmination. Candy goodies etc. I've done pretty well just walking right by it all. It's an odd conundrum - the dieting group and the group bringing in food left and right.
Yesterday, there was a big discussion about how "everyone" was on a diet. I just kept working and frankly tried to stay out of the discussion. I am pretty much one of the biggest women here. "What diet are YOU on Lisa?" one gal asked when everyone was listing their diet of choice. I just smiled and said, "you know I'm working on just making healthy food choices and moving my body - you know, balance basically" because I've mentioned Sparkpeople to every single one of these ladies at one point or another and as soon as they found out it was couting calories and working out, they were not interested, LOL. They all looked at me and I felt.....well, it felt like...
It felt like judgement - but that could well be my own garbage. Judgement that I'm not dieting with them or talking about it or something, I dunno.
After years (literally) of dieting, after trying so many things - I am hesitant to talk about my weight loss efforts. I know - they say tell people what you are doing to stay accountable. Do you know how many times I did that....and failed miserably? I'm much happier just doing it, walking the walk of food in vs food out and not yapping about it. If I lose, I tell my partner or a close friend, if I struggle I talk to them, etc. I don't have a need for the entire building to know I'm doing something.
Feels like a TON of pressure. Right now it seems that everyone is watching what everyone else is doing, eating, etc. Like being under a microscope.
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