Wednesday, May 19, 2010
1) Motivation and consistency in weight loss - I'm feeling this getting shoved to the background of my attention due to "busy-ness" - extra work hours, kid activities that need my attention/presence, prepping for dance stuff.
2) Labels. I was challenged in how I think about myself and others this week, and it's not sitting well with me. As a "late bloomer" lesbian, I've gone through stages of trying not to be gay, accepting my queerness, being (for me) radical about it, becoming blase and jaded about it, LOL, and wanting a label I could identify with....and saying Don't you be labeling me buster!! All in the space of 12 years. This week, my tree was shaken again and my thoughts are swirling on my identity, why I need labels, hate labels, refuse to be labeled, label others....um, yeah.
3) One word: Menopause. I can't lie to myself anymore, I'm perimenopausal and have the freaking hot flashes to prove it. My skin is dry and itchy, I'm emotional all the effing time, and while I certainly (after 4 children) do not mourn the loss of fertility or anything like that....have to admit I am aging. I believe Old is what you make it..and I have the genetics to live to 100 healthfully - if I get control of my weight. But the whole M thing? This sucks. Don't like it.
Those are all the thoughts that are whirling in my head like a high-speed blender - all the time. Not sleeping well...did I mention hot flashes? grrr.
That's me, in a nutshell. C'mon Friday. I'm ready.
Monday, May 17, 2010
but you can't make him use his potential.
My "horse" is my 14 year old son. Mike is freaking smart....like...take over the world smart. But he won't do his homework. Period. He lies....like a rug. "there wasn't any today (or the last five months...). "I did it in class". When asked how a particular class is going, he can tell you the subject matter in depth. He gets it. but he will not put pen to paper to save his life, literally. I have been fighting this battle for 5 years. This is not my first kid....he's my fourth. I'm not an inexperienced parent...I've done everything traditionally done in ths situation, I've been creative in finding solutions too....some things have not made a tiny dent. Other things worked for a brief time, but then he reverted back to his comfort zone of doing no homework. He has C's...because he can ace the tests, but the no homework pulls his grade down. I've heard it all from his teachers, from what a great kid he is, how smart to some teachers really loathing him.
I've felt like a failure, I've felt helpless - the whole spectrum. I've had so much well-meaning advice....right up to "Well, MY kid would just do it because i wouldn't accept anything less!" People thinking I'm "too soft" or what have you. Walk a mile in these shoes buddy...that's all I have to say to that.
today, I sat down with him and looked him in the eye and said "I'm here for you. I'll do whatever you need to help you be successful, but you are the only one who can do this mike". I set some parameters - he's lost some privelideges and I have contacted his teachers to find out exacty what the homework is so that I don't have to hear "there wasn't any!" But overall, the ball is in his court. Pick it up and play....or find yourself repeating the 8th grade.
I was struck this a.m., when I spoke to him about potential...about just doing it - that it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to get DONE....how I do the same thing with my health. I don't wanna do my health "homework" either. So as I spoke to him, my own words sunk in a little to myself as well.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Ah....the weekend. Sitting in my pjs drinking coffee and fooling around on the web.
Register for fall classes at 9:30 a.m. After a year of part time college, I'm thinking about chaning directions. I started out wanting to get a psych degree....and now..I'm not so sure. I was encouraged to think about what I could do if there were no barriers......and that was easy. I'd teach adults - preferably in a higher ed setting. I love working with women in dance...as a dance teacher I seem to end up being instructor...life coach....therapist...all rolled up into one. I'd like to explore that more in a setting that I can continue in my over 50 years.
while I plan on continuing to dance until i die .... I'm realistic enough to know with my arthritis, I may not want to teach for 20 more years. The choice may be taken from me by the arthritis issues.
I have some old tapes that play about why am I going to college at 46 anyway? Education, specifically education for women, was not encouraged in my family. "Good" women got married, popped out kidEs, and did church activities. "Too much" education was to be avoided, because well...then you might have questions about that plan! Needless to say, individual thought (again, especially for women) was not encouraged.
I can hear my dad saying it's a waste of money. I can hear my grandma, mom and aunts clucking about how some cousin or other who went to collge and got non-family sanctioned ideas was "too smart for her own good".
So in moments of fatigue...or when my brain hurts from homework....I wonder, what the H#!! do I think I'm doing? Especially now that my goals are evolving and I'm moving away from counseling to teaching higher ed, which would require at the very least a masters...you know, MORE school!
Other than registering today...chores, walking Bijou the wonder dachshund, hitting a movie with friends....and some dedicated self care time...did I mention chores?, LOL. the sun is shining ...and that is a glorious thing.
Friday, May 14, 2010
You know when it's been one of THOSE weeks....hellacious busy at work and you are SO ready to be anywhere BUT your place of employement?
Picture that feeling. I know you can.
Now picture that one coworker that sorta makes you nuts. Come on, we all have one....
My example of that scenario is right in my face this a.m. She has a NEED to control. I have a need NOT to be controlled by her, LOL. Those two needs are clashing.
It's been a very long week, and I fear my patience is thinned. I'm trying to ask myself, "Is this important? Is it important enough for me to take a stand on it? Why is it annoying me so much? Can't I just let it go and smile and nod and walk on?"
Actually, I already know the answer. This woman reminds me so much of my mother (my schizophrenic, passive-aggressive, sugary-sweet-to-your-face-baracuda-behind-
your-back mother) and it triggers the h#%# out of me.
So I'm trying to discern - is this an issue where I really NEED to stand up to her, or is it simply annoying me because of her resemblance to my mother and that makes me want to put her in her place?
Right now, I decided that I would A) Write about it, because that tends to help me order my thoughts, B) Breathe breathe breathe, C) Remind myself that I dislike it when I act no better than her simply because I've been triggered into it, and D) Remind myself I only have 7 hours and 15 minutes left of this week.
OY. How do YOU deal with your "trigger" person? Do tell. Before I melt down.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
I am for all intents and purposes, a very light drinker. I may have 6 drinks a year. This is likely the result of being married to a ragin' alcoholic for 14+ years, and a lot of early training on the evils of alcohol, LOL.
I do however, enjoy an occassional margarita...and being Cinco de Mayo...well, that makes me think of chips and salsa and margaritas! But...I'm going to resist. I've noted when I drink...I seem to snack so it's not just the alcohol that's adding up...it's anything else within reach that I can cram into my mouth. So...I think I'll skip the celebrations and go home.
Been a hard week, and yes, I do know it's only Wednesday! Lots of stress = mindless food shoveling so I've been working daily on being really aware of when I'm eating, and why I'm eating. Am I really hungry? Or is there just food there so I unthinkingly shove it in my face?
Mindless eating has undoubtly been responsible for some of the weight I'm packing around. You know...you take two cookies. You're doing several things...and suddenly you realize, hey, the cookies are gone! I didn't remember eating them, and I don't feel satisfied, so I'll have two more! and it goes on and on.
So paying attention? That needs to be a daily focus. Not eating and watching tv, or reading or doing other stuff that so absorbs me, I'm not aware of putting food in my mouth, chewing and swallowing.
Do you eat mindlessly? Any tips or tricks? Do tell!
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