Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's the final week of July...Looking back at he beginning of the month, I had several goals, some of which went well and some fell off. I can say I will have accomplished one goal I've never done before - to stay in the top 50 for sparkpoints on the LC team. The longest I managed when trying that one was abut 10 days. Today, a few days before the end, I'm still ranked at 28th (When I checked this a.m.). That is a huge goal for me....
The LC is what I consider my "home team" on Sparkpeople. If I don't go anywhere else on spark, I pretty much daily check out the LC blogs/forums, tho I'm not a big poster on the forums unless something catches my eye. To be in the top 50 of my home team has been a goal several times, and this is the first time I've been successful at the goal, and I can trace that directly back to more exercise. I don't often track all my food or get all those point opportunities in (tho I'm a bit of a 'point ho', lol, I like getting those points!) but I was pretty consisent with exercise overall and those points are what kept me where i wanted to be.
It's funny, because until I really sat and made myself look at my stats, I had berated myself several times over the month about not doing enough exercise. What is "enough" for me anyway? Um...do I have to run a marathon a week for it to be "enough"? - unfortunately, that is my baseline mind set ... It has to be over the top amazing to be "enough" for me. Which I think is sorta crazy really, LOL. It's good in that I have a drive that wants perfection and success..but crazy in the fact that I can't ever be satisfied with what I've accomplished, you know? And even funnier....I don't feel that way about other people..only me. I'm actually freakin' great at telling others what a good job they are doing...and not so good about saying it to myself.
So....GO ME! I've accomplishd something I've never been able to do before...whoot!!!
Monday, July 26, 2010
"I strolled the mall for two hours...I need a (coffee, jamba, cookie, pretzel)."
"I've been busy all day - I don't 'need' to exercise today."
"A week of adding in more exercise and turning down that peice of cake - I bet I will have lost at least 5 pounds this week!"
The above are all examples of my delusional thinking in terms of healh/weight loss. Unreasonable expections....
It's like deciding to save $365 in a year. Putting a dollar in an envelope and hiding it under the mattress for a year and expecting it will have multiplied all by itself somehow is crazy thinking. If I want to save $365 dollars, I would have to put 365 dollar bills under the mattress...not one dollar and think that'll take care of it.
Yet again and again, I think "oh I did this ONE thing! I can slack off now and get results!" I'm a reasonably intelligent woman...where does this thinking come from?
For me, the journey to health and weight loss is not going to be accomplished in one day...or one month for that matter. More than a jog around the block, my journey more resembles a cross-country trek...by foot.
I'm fighting a battle...and my arthritis, sedentary work life, and age up the ante - I can't drop 20 pounds like I used to be able to do. I used to be able to do a lil of this and a lil of that...and poof, lose 20 pounds. That is SO NOT TRUE today. You know how they say 'a few small changes make results!' - well that used to be very true for me. No longer, now every pound takes a huge amount of consistency and effort to shed.
This weekend I was out and about a lot...and I saw a lot of overweight people. Heavy women...heavy men... heavy children. I saw a few people who were extremly obese - Probably around the 450-500 pound mark. I often think, if it wasn't for the bellydancing I've done in the last 10 years...that could be me. That was the only exercise I did at all for years and I think it helped stave off probably at least a hundred more pounds that would be sitting on my frame right now without it...if my obesity hadn't killed me already. Seeing those people made me aware that I'm not the only one with this delusional thinking. It makes me sad...and it scares me to death...to see so many terribly overweight people.
What's that saying? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...something like that. I need to focus my journey...see the big picture...expect resonable results for the actions I take....and stop resting after what equals only a few steps. I also need to appreciate what is good - today my Achilles tendonitis is almost gone...my arthritis is okay for today...I'm doing better at getting my fruits and veggies in...and I'm exercising more. Those are all good things.
Today I will put one foot in front of the other on my cross-country journey to health and weight loss.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
weekends are out of routine for me...and I get busy and forget to eat. This weekend I was running errands and shopping and suddenly started to feel not so great...headache..super tired...wondered what's going on? A bit later I started to notice an odd feeling in my stomach...which evolved into discomfort/pain....and it hit me
I was hungry. i was experiencing hunger pangs.
I got something to eat and began to feel much, much better. It was a huge reminder to me. Not eating till you're hungry. Huh. what a concept.
I eat because the clock tells me to...or something looks/smells good...because I'm bored...because others are eating...
it wouldn't hurt me to wait until I feel hunger more often...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
When I was 13 or 14, I went to my grandma's farm for the summer. Suddenly I had chores....and a lot of them...that I wasn't used to. Specifically, a chore I hated was the dishes.
At Grandma's house, every meal was cooked from scratch. I don't know how she did it, but every meal - grandma seemed to be able to dirty what seemed like every dish in her kitchen...and it fell to me to do them by hand of course because this was the late 70's and grandma's farmhouse certainly had no dishwasher save me. Grandma expected the dishes done immediately after each meal, along with the counters wiped down and the floor swept.
Of course, being a 13 yo who wanted to be doing other things..instead of just digging in and getting it done quickly, I often dawdled and then complained about how much time I was spending doing all those dishes, LOL. To my embarrassment, I can even recall some of the things I said and did regarding those dishes...and I blush. I was pretty whiny!
About midsummer, my favorite uncle came for a couple weeks. While I don't remember whining to him, I'm quite sure I did. One summer evening, I overheard he and his wife talking on the porch about how lazy I was.
I was crushed - totally crushed. My favorite uncle and he said I was LAZY???
Those overheard remarks stayed with me. Many times they inspired me to dig in and get things done...sometimes they allowed me a cop out "well, after all everyone knows I'm lazy". As an adult...I've had my battles with it, mostly in the form of procrastination. I've gone back and forth with myself about how lazy (bad, terrible, stupid etc) I am and I've talked about it in therapy a lot. It became a definition for me that I would use to beat myself up and an excuse to give up.
Funny how we take something relatively small - some overheard remarks 30 years past - and use them to both motivate and denigrate, depending on the situation.
This morning this all comes to me, because I didn't wanna get on the bike. I wanted to sit on my arse in my nightgown, drinking coffee and surfing th net. I had 15-20 minutes of argument with my internal demon, Lazy.
"I don't wanna".
too bad. we're going.
"But I have coffee and I'm tired. You're dancing tonight, what does it matter?"
I am going to do this.
"Hurts my butt."
Never going to get over that if we don't DO it.
"Whyyyyyyy???? c'mon...just sit here."
It's a 10 minute ride - you can do anything for 10 minutes. GET UP.
Lazy grumbled, whined, begged and pouted through getting dressed, getting the helmet on, opening the garage door and the first 5 minutes of the ride. Lazy's game is the path of least resistance...of excuses...and will if I let her, be the death of me. Today on the ride, I found myself again standing in the shadow and hearing my uncle say he couldn't believe how lazy I was. This is a complex issue for me apparently...But today, despite Lazy...I did the ride.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
When Jodie's gone, I don't sleep well. I have a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. Last night I thought I'd read a bit....but then got so involved in the book I couldn't put it down and ended up finishing it before I turned out the light....at 11:30 pm. I'm asleep most nights by 10 pm, and up daily by 5 a.m.....so today, after several nights of not sleeping well and then last night pushing the envelope till 11:30...I'm feeling zombified.
Note to self: You are a person who needs sleep and when you don't get it...you are unproductive, crabby, and tend to shove food in your mouth to help stay awake. You KNOW better...but here you are.
What went right yesterday:
1) 5+ fruits and veggies
2) 8 glasses of water (on the same day as hitting my fruits/veggies is a blinking miracle)
3) Exercised when I didn't want to - even if it was "only" a 10 min bike ride.
What could have been better:
1) See above, the sleep thing.
2) The pervasive attitude in my head that if I'm not working out for an hour, it's not "good enough". Let's see...10 minutes...or nothing - hmm, 10 minutes is much better than nothing - stop belittling it. Period. Unhelpful attitudes about what is "good enough" is part of why I'm 100 pounds overweight - I have to accept that until I change my thinking/attitudes, this is going to be harder than it needs to be.
Can she hit the wate AND fruits and veggies mark two days in a row, folks? i think she can...
Too tired to bike this a.m., so I WILL...I MUST...do it tonight, feel like it or not.
I'm reminded again of one of the most powerful things I've ever heard about weight/exercise/life...was a couple seasons of BL ago when a guy sat down to "rest" - he had a really crappy attitude - and Jillian yelled "you've been 'resting' for YEARS!!!!"
She didn't know it, but she was talking to ME!! You know, walk 2 blocks to the store and so I'd think I "deserved" a treat. Do a dance class and then sit on my arse for the next 4 days because "well I worked out on Monday!!"
DOH!! I've likely used up all my lifetime of "rest" and it's time to MOVE IT!
Wow, I'm rambly...at least it's HUMP day!!!
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