Sunday, July 25, 2010
weekends are out of routine for me...and I get busy and forget to eat. This weekend I was running errands and shopping and suddenly started to feel not so great...headache..super tired...wondered what's going on? A bit later I started to notice an odd feeling in my stomach...which evolved into discomfort/pain....and it hit me
I was hungry. i was experiencing hunger pangs.
I got something to eat and began to feel much, much better. It was a huge reminder to me. Not eating till you're hungry. Huh. what a concept.
I eat because the clock tells me to...or something looks/smells good...because I'm bored...because others are eating...
it wouldn't hurt me to wait until I feel hunger more often...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
When I was 13 or 14, I went to my grandma's farm for the summer. Suddenly I had chores....and a lot of them...that I wasn't used to. Specifically, a chore I hated was the dishes.
At Grandma's house, every meal was cooked from scratch. I don't know how she did it, but every meal - grandma seemed to be able to dirty what seemed like every dish in her kitchen...and it fell to me to do them by hand of course because this was the late 70's and grandma's farmhouse certainly had no dishwasher save me. Grandma expected the dishes done immediately after each meal, along with the counters wiped down and the floor swept.
Of course, being a 13 yo who wanted to be doing other things..instead of just digging in and getting it done quickly, I often dawdled and then complained about how much time I was spending doing all those dishes, LOL. To my embarrassment, I can even recall some of the things I said and did regarding those dishes...and I blush. I was pretty whiny!
About midsummer, my favorite uncle came for a couple weeks. While I don't remember whining to him, I'm quite sure I did. One summer evening, I overheard he and his wife talking on the porch about how lazy I was.
I was crushed - totally crushed. My favorite uncle and he said I was LAZY???
Those overheard remarks stayed with me. Many times they inspired me to dig in and get things done...sometimes they allowed me a cop out "well, after all everyone knows I'm lazy". As an adult...I've had my battles with it, mostly in the form of procrastination. I've gone back and forth with myself about how lazy (bad, terrible, stupid etc) I am and I've talked about it in therapy a lot. It became a definition for me that I would use to beat myself up and an excuse to give up.
Funny how we take something relatively small - some overheard remarks 30 years past - and use them to both motivate and denigrate, depending on the situation.
This morning this all comes to me, because I didn't wanna get on the bike. I wanted to sit on my arse in my nightgown, drinking coffee and surfing th net. I had 15-20 minutes of argument with my internal demon, Lazy.
"I don't wanna".
too bad. we're going.
"But I have coffee and I'm tired. You're dancing tonight, what does it matter?"
I am going to do this.
"Hurts my butt."
Never going to get over that if we don't DO it.
"Whyyyyyyy???? c'mon...just sit here."
It's a 10 minute ride - you can do anything for 10 minutes. GET UP.
Lazy grumbled, whined, begged and pouted through getting dressed, getting the helmet on, opening the garage door and the first 5 minutes of the ride. Lazy's game is the path of least resistance...of excuses...and will if I let her, be the death of me. Today on the ride, I found myself again standing in the shadow and hearing my uncle say he couldn't believe how lazy I was. This is a complex issue for me apparently...But today, despite Lazy...I did the ride.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
When Jodie's gone, I don't sleep well. I have a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. Last night I thought I'd read a bit....but then got so involved in the book I couldn't put it down and ended up finishing it before I turned out the light....at 11:30 pm. I'm asleep most nights by 10 pm, and up daily by 5 a.m.....so today, after several nights of not sleeping well and then last night pushing the envelope till 11:30...I'm feeling zombified.
Note to self: You are a person who needs sleep and when you don't get it...you are unproductive, crabby, and tend to shove food in your mouth to help stay awake. You KNOW better...but here you are.
What went right yesterday:
1) 5+ fruits and veggies
2) 8 glasses of water (on the same day as hitting my fruits/veggies is a blinking miracle)
3) Exercised when I didn't want to - even if it was "only" a 10 min bike ride.
What could have been better:
1) See above, the sleep thing.
2) The pervasive attitude in my head that if I'm not working out for an hour, it's not "good enough". Let's see...10 minutes...or nothing - hmm, 10 minutes is much better than nothing - stop belittling it. Period. Unhelpful attitudes about what is "good enough" is part of why I'm 100 pounds overweight - I have to accept that until I change my thinking/attitudes, this is going to be harder than it needs to be.
Can she hit the wate AND fruits and veggies mark two days in a row, folks? i think she can...
Too tired to bike this a.m., so I WILL...I MUST...do it tonight, feel like it or not.
I'm reminded again of one of the most powerful things I've ever heard about weight/exercise/life...was a couple seasons of BL ago when a guy sat down to "rest" - he had a really crappy attitude - and Jillian yelled "you've been 'resting' for YEARS!!!!"
She didn't know it, but she was talking to ME!! You know, walk 2 blocks to the store and so I'd think I "deserved" a treat. Do a dance class and then sit on my arse for the next 4 days because "well I worked out on Monday!!"
DOH!! I've likely used up all my lifetime of "rest" and it's time to MOVE IT!
Wow, I'm rambly...at least it's HUMP day!!!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Last night I was going to run out to the video store for the next installment of True Blood. My 14-year-old son said he'd like to go along so off we went. We were on the way home when he said, "I have something I want to say to you and I don't want you to get mad at me."
Several things flitted through my head...he's lost something....he had a fight with his sister and thinks she should be grounded for life....and I said, "Okay, shoot."
"I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because I'm your son and you're my mom and I love you. You need to be eating more healthy and exercising, because I don't want you to die. I know you've been trying...but I've only had you for 14 years and I need you mom, I don't want you to die."
Can I just tell you.....I felt like I'd been struck by lightning.
I talked to him about the things I've been doing, we talked a bit about it took me a long time to get this way and it wasn't going to change over night, and he offered to walk or bike with me to encourage me to exercise.
Since I've had pretty similar conversations with myself for the last 18 months since my dad died, it wasn't as painful or as shocking as it could have been...but to hear him say how afraid he was that I would die and how much he needed me...well, yeah, I'm sure you can imagine.
Needless to say, it's another (huge) incentive to keep on keeping on...to keep moving, to work on building my health.
1) Water...why is this so hard? Getting a little better, but it's always WORK to get it in...
2) Move - I'm taking my son up on his offer and will bike with him this evening...
3) Meds - I've not been taking my meds/supplements as I should...and my arthritis is telling me about it.
Just do it....just do it. day in and day out...Just do it.
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