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remembering what hungry feels like

Sunday, July 25, 2010

weekends are out of routine for me...and I get busy and forget to eat. This weekend I was running errands and shopping and suddenly started to feel not so great...headache..super tired...wondered what's going on? A bit later I started to notice an odd feeling in my stomach...which evolved into discomfort/pain....and it hit me

I was hungry. i was experiencing hunger pangs.

I got something to eat and began to feel much, much better. It was a huge reminder to me. Not eating till you're hungry. Huh. what a concept.

I eat because the clock tells me to...or something looks/smells good...because I'm bored...because others are eating...

it wouldn't hurt me to wait until I feel hunger more often...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRYDEQUEEN 7/25/2010 12:33PM

    I like the hungry feeling too.

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REDHATLADY9 7/25/2010 11:58AM

    Dang!i wish I could forget to eat.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

When I was 13 or 14, I went to my grandma's farm for the summer. Suddenly I had chores....and a lot of them...that I wasn't used to. Specifically, a chore I hated was the dishes.

At Grandma's house, every meal was cooked from scratch. I don't know how she did it, but every meal - grandma seemed to be able to dirty what seemed like every dish in her kitchen...and it fell to me to do them by hand of course because this was the late 70's and grandma's farmhouse certainly had no dishwasher save me. Grandma expected the dishes done immediately after each meal, along with the counters wiped down and the floor swept.

Of course, being a 13 yo who wanted to be doing other things..instead of just digging in and getting it done quickly, I often dawdled and then complained about how much time I was spending doing all those dishes, LOL. To my embarrassment, I can even recall some of the things I said and did regarding those dishes...and I blush. I was pretty whiny!

About midsummer, my favorite uncle came for a couple weeks. While I don't remember whining to him, I'm quite sure I did. One summer evening, I overheard he and his wife talking on the porch about how lazy I was.

I was crushed - totally crushed. My favorite uncle and he said I was LAZY???

Those overheard remarks stayed with me. Many times they inspired me to dig in and get things done...sometimes they allowed me a cop out "well, after all everyone knows I'm lazy". As an adult...I've had my battles with it, mostly in the form of procrastination. I've gone back and forth with myself about how lazy (bad, terrible, stupid etc) I am and I've talked about it in therapy a lot. It became a definition for me that I would use to beat myself up and an excuse to give up.

Funny how we take something relatively small - some overheard remarks 30 years past - and use them to both motivate and denigrate, depending on the situation.

This morning this all comes to me, because I didn't wanna get on the bike. I wanted to sit on my arse in my nightgown, drinking coffee and surfing th net. I had 15-20 minutes of argument with my internal demon, Lazy.

"I don't wanna".

too bad. we're going.

"But I have coffee and I'm tired. You're dancing tonight, what does it matter?"

I am going to do this.

"Hurts my butt."

Never going to get over that if we don't DO it.

"Whyyyyyyy???? c'mon...just sit here."

It's a 10 minute ride - you can do anything for 10 minutes. GET UP.


Lazy grumbled, whined, begged and pouted through getting dressed, getting the helmet on, opening the garage door and the first 5 minutes of the ride. Lazy's game is the path of least resistance...of excuses...and will if I let her, be the death of me. Today on the ride, I found myself again standing in the shadow and hearing my uncle say he couldn't believe how lazy I was. This is a complex issue for me apparently...But today, despite Lazy...I did the ride.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-CHARLIE27- 7/22/2010 2:35PM

  Good for you for doing it! You're right - one little thing can stick with us for a very very long time... but maybe only because it's useful / helps us meet a goal (even if the goal is getting out of something)

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KRO-BAR 7/22/2010 1:23PM

    emoticon Awesome!! I've got to make up time today because lazy won out on me yesterday. Not today! I'm going to make it up if it kills me!!

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HLEIGHH 7/22/2010 12:24PM

    breaking away from the computer/internet is The Hardest Thing for me. There's always one more link to click, one more comment to read, one more update feed to check.

I don't find it truly restful, either (like reading or napping) -- it makes me feel fidgety and restless, and at the end of an hour (or 2 or 4) I have a kind of queasy, "Where the heck did that time go? That's an hour I'll never get it back!" feeling.

I like the idea of fighting back when Lazy cajoles me to stay in bed or check another blog or watch a re-run at a time when I could be jumping on bike or walking the dog.

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MINIDRIVER63 7/22/2010 10:51AM

    YAY! Lazy is a big deal for me. I much prefer lounging around reading a book or watching tv to getting up and doing something. Even if the something is much more fun than the book or tv. I explain away part of it by "I'm a homebody" meaning I prefer being at home to going out. But it's also pure laziness.

You were smart to label Lazy something outside yourself. Not "I am lazy" but "Lazy wanted me to miss my bike ride." I'll have to try arguing with Lazy a bit more often!

Thanks for the goodie purse! I just bought a new one sorta like it!

Comment edited on: 7/22/2010 11:21:08 AM

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Put the book down....just step away from the book...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

When Jodie's gone, I don't sleep well. I have a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. Last night I thought I'd read a bit....but then got so involved in the book I couldn't put it down and ended up finishing it before I turned out the 11:30 pm. I'm asleep most nights by 10 pm, and up daily by 5 today, after several nights of not sleeping well and then last night pushing the envelope till 11:30...I'm feeling zombified.

Note to self: You are a person who needs sleep and when you don't get are unproductive, crabby, and tend to shove food in your mouth to help stay awake. You KNOW better...but here you are.

What went right yesterday:
1) 5+ fruits and veggies
2) 8 glasses of water (on the same day as hitting my fruits/veggies is a blinking miracle)
3) Exercised when I didn't want to - even if it was "only" a 10 min bike ride.

What could have been better:
1) See above, the sleep thing.
2) The pervasive attitude in my head that if I'm not working out for an hour, it's not "good enough". Let's see...10 minutes...or nothing - hmm, 10 minutes is much better than nothing - stop belittling it. Period. Unhelpful attitudes about what is "good enough" is part of why I'm 100 pounds overweight - I have to accept that until I change my thinking/attitudes, this is going to be harder than it needs to be.

Can she hit the wate AND fruits and veggies mark two days in a row, folks? i think she can...
Too tired to bike this a.m., so I WILL...I it tonight, feel like it or not.

I'm reminded again of one of the most powerful things I've ever heard about weight/exercise/life...was a couple seasons of BL ago when a guy sat down to "rest" - he had a really crappy attitude - and Jillian yelled "you've been 'resting' for YEARS!!!!"

She didn't know it, but she was talking to ME!! You know, walk 2 blocks to the store and so I'd think I "deserved" a treat. Do a dance class and then sit on my arse for the next 4 days because "well I worked out on Monday!!"

DOH!! I've likely used up all my lifetime of "rest" and it's time to MOVE IT!

Wow, I'm least it's HUMP day!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HLEIGHH 7/22/2010 1:44PM

    but what were you reading? I'm always looking for books that will keep me up at night emoticon

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KRO-BAR 7/21/2010 12:23PM

    Awesome blog!

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-CHARLIE27- 7/21/2010 12:18PM

  There is something really nice, though, about being that into a book!! And just relaxing!

I feel ya on the 'deserved' thing...

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MINIDRIVER63 7/21/2010 11:19AM

    More exercise may help you sleep better!

Other tips I give my DH (who never listens and can't sleep)
1. Take Melatonin - it's non-addictive and doesn't make you drowsy the next day.
2. Go to bed at the same time, and wake up at the same time every day. Don't let yourself nap or sleep late.
3. Don't exercise, eat, or shower within an hour of bedtime. All those things can pep you up and make it harder to relax.
4. Don't drink coffee, tea or other caffeinated drinks after noon. Don't eat chocolate after noon.

Now I'm feeling sleepy, so I'd better get some coffee!

I hope Jodie's doing ok.

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"I don't want you to die"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Last night I was going to run out to the video store for the next installment of True Blood. My 14-year-old son said he'd like to go along so off we went. We were on the way home when he said, "I have something I want to say to you and I don't want you to get mad at me."

Several things flitted through my head...he's lost something....he had a fight with his sister and thinks she should be grounded for life....and I said, "Okay, shoot."

"I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because I'm your son and you're my mom and I love you. You need to be eating more healthy and exercising, because I don't want you to die. I know you've been trying...but I've only had you for 14 years and I need you mom, I don't want you to die."

Can I just tell you.....I felt like I'd been struck by lightning.

I talked to him about the things I've been doing, we talked a bit about it took me a long time to get this way and it wasn't going to change over night, and he offered to walk or bike with me to encourage me to exercise.

Since I've had pretty similar conversations with myself for the last 18 months since my dad died, it wasn't as painful or as shocking as it could have been...but to hear him say how afraid he was that I would die and how much he needed me...well, yeah, I'm sure you can imagine.

Needless to say, it's another (huge) incentive to keep on keeping keep moving, to work on building my health.

Today's goals:
1) Water...why is this so hard? Getting a little better, but it's always WORK to get it in...
2) Move - I'm taking my son up on his offer and will bike with him this evening...
3) Meds - I've not been taking my meds/supplements as I should...and my arthritis is telling me about it.

Just do it....just do it. day in and day out...Just do it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRO-BAR 7/20/2010 10:53AM

    Oh the wake up calls we receive!

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PRYDEQUEEN 7/20/2010 9:56AM

    What a great kid! You must be a terrific mom!

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MINIDRIVER63 7/20/2010 9:46AM

    You son sounds like he is a terrific kid and will grow up to be a fantastic man. So caring and loving.

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BBGYRL4 7/20/2010 9:08AM

    Wow, I don't have any children but I could only imagine how you felt when your son told you that. He is definitely a reason to keep going each day and that's great that he wants to help you out by exercising with you. Wihing you the best on your journey!

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TURBID 7/20/2010 8:59AM

    wow, how powerful.
it's kind of different, but a note i left my dad when i was 9 years old was the wake up call he needed to finally get sober. it said something like "i went to grandpa's house because you were drunk" - it's 13 years later, and he's still sober, after checking into rehab later that night.
at least for me, food has been an addictive substance, too. maybe it's sort of a parallel situation?

whatever it is, it's clear just how much he loves you.

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Monday, July 19, 2010

As an introvert I often crave solitude and feel like I rarely get it. This weekend, I got plenty of it and was a little surprised I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would.

We'd plan to spend the weekend in Portland celebrating our anniversary, but Friday morning Jodie's dad passed away back in Louisiana. We scrambled and got her a flight out at 6 a.m. Saturday a.m....and then because we'd already prepaid for the room I thought I'd just stay in Portland and have some alone time.

Don't get me wrong, there were some nice things about it and I believe it recharged my batteries to have some alone time....but I discovered I'm not the loner I thought I was. Funny how we think we know something about ourselves, then find out differently. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be to be on my own...I was sort of lonely and bored to be truthful.

It did give me a lot of time to think about my health, about moving more etc. I splurged and got a new pair of walking shoes and ate pretty healthy as well. With Jodie gone the next two weeks, I really want to focus on health issues and put some habits in place when I'm not distracted.

That's it. That's all I've got this sunny Monday.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATCHAGIRL 7/19/2010 3:12PM

    OHH NOOO :( I'm very sorry to hear about your partner's father passing. :( I wish her and her family well.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY though! Sorry you had to spend it alone and that you didn't have all that much fun. But at least you did figure out something about yourself in the process. :)

Two weeks is a long time to be away from your partner. I know this very well, as my partner has to travel a lot for her job. I was the exact opposite as you... I couldn't STAND being by myself and ALWAYS had to have someone around me, but I found out pretty quickly, that I actually ENJOY being alone and havin' a little break away. :)

I still don't want it to be too often or for too long a period though! ;) But after 12 years of dealing with her traveling, I'm totally ok with it now. :)

Don't get too bored while she's away, and do have a little fun if ya' can!

Have a GREAT week!

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HLEIGHH 7/19/2010 1:50PM

    I've had exactly this experience -- looking forward to a day or several days "home alone" (or out of town), imagining how peaceful and focused and re-charging it's going to be -- and then finding myself anxious, lonesome, distracted. It's weird. (Being on the computer seems to make it worse for me; I can watch a whole day of precious "me time" run through my fingers on the internet.)

Good luck with your time for introspection and self-care, and with supporting your partner long-distance through a challenging time!

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MINIDRIVER63 7/19/2010 10:46AM

    Hugs to Jodie and her family - and to you too! Happy walking!

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