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It's the first day of school...and I'm scared!

Monday, July 30, 2007

The first day of school was always such a mixed bag for me....excitement and dread. Looking back, I can see the dread was probably tied into my perfectionism.

I had no intention of signing up for the Lesbian Cafe Back to School Challenge. Absolutely no way. Too much pressure. Too hard. Too much work. What if I failed? It would be so, that's not for me.

Then a thought crossed my mind.... "yeah, like what you've got going on is working SO well for you." And I signed up, just like that.

Of course, my secret thought was...anything but "math" class....I just don't want to be in math class right away. I'll do anything to stay out of math class...and what did I get assigned to? Well math class of course!

Have I been tracking? Hell no. Be accountable for every bite I put in my mouth? Ugh. Work! Self disappointment leading to self loathing...forget THAT!

Sooooo, along comes math class. Whaddya do in math class? Well track of course and then TELL everyone how many calories?

I started getting nervous yesterday...and this morning...very nervous. But ya know what? it also made me DO it. Which is why it's called a challenge in the first place, eh?

I thought, God, I can't start a day without my coffee (and sugar and creamer!!). I had the "just don't track that" line run through my head and I BANISHED IT! Who am I hurting if I lie to myself and my tracker?? ME.

so i made my coffee...and I substituted Splenda for half the sugar I would usually use..and ya know what? It's pretty good. In fact, I think I could easily sub 2/3 splenda to 1/3 sugar and be pretty good with it for awhile and then eventually switch to all Splenda.

A small success, on the first day of school. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can DO this!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OBLIVIA 7/30/2007 12:49PM

    You can definitely do this!!

You know, I've been doing this thing for a while now, and the one key, the one thing that the second I stop doing it, I start gaining or stalling is the tracking what I eat. I've tracked a variety of ways: my palm pilot, here on SP, a lil' notebook... and ultimately, tracking is the one thing that keeps me on track, because being accountable...actually writing down what you're eating.. it does change things... it is that tiny little bit of accountability that often helps me put down the extra serving and most of all it keeps me from mindlessly eating.

I know how scary it is, but you deserve a major pat on the back for following through... Way to go!!

See ya in class! :)

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It's too soon to give up!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

In the last nine days, I've carefully and purposefully increased my steps from less than 2000 to almost 5000 a day...I've been concious of what I ate, how much I ate and how often I ate. I've drank...shudder....water.

No change. No change in weight, no change in measurements.

The part of me that has given up so easily in the past says "see!! it IS too hard! why bother??" had a lot to say this a.m.

But I'm not listening to her. I'm going to keep trudging ahead, one foot at a time, one cup of water at a time.

I went to Seattle the last three days to see my aunt who has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. She found her soulmate 9 years ago. It struck me right between the eyes...I want more than 9 years with Jodie. I know something could happen to us at any moment...but my health is starting to slip, largely due to my weight. I have to take better care of myself if I want to live a long healthy life...and if I want to be able to ENJOY it! Not getting winded going up a flight of stairs or being too tired to do anything.

So....this week's goals:
1. Make the minimum steps suggested by my profile, track my steps every day, and allow myself to be proud of my progress!
2. Eat breakfast every day.
3. Continue to get my fruits/veggies in every day.
4. Read more about goal setting on SparkPeople and other places and consider my goals and how to make them work!
5. Keep reading spark people articles, keep reading the boards, talking to my weight loss buddy...being active on this site and anywhere else I find support, ideas and encouragement.

I'm not giving up. 'Nough said.



Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I've started my first-ever Spark Streak! I have a large # 1 with smiley faces on my monitor noting one day of goal fact, I exceeded yesterday's step goal by 200+ steps! I also kept the "no fast food" promise.....

but I didn't do so hot on the water. I'm still of the mindset water is what you bathe in...not drink, lol!

Today's goals: 3258 steps, no fast food and WATER!

Tomorrow, Jodie and I leave for Seattle to see my aunt who has just been diagnosed with cancer. I hate cancer. I'm already looking fwd to doing Relay for Life next year. I've done it almost every year for the last 10 years...this year I took a, even more reason to be back at walking with a vengence!


One step at a 10,000 steps!

Monday, July 23, 2007

After purchasing the pedometer, I wanted a way to track it that would be fun! I found, a free website that you can log your steps on...and it takes you through a trail of your choice...get to a viewpoint, and there is a little reward of seeing stuff about the "trail" you're on, etc. Like spark people's points, this is something that motivates me!

They also take your first three days steps, average them, and then add steps daily to give you a goal to help you work up to 10K reasonably. So, today's goal is 3128 steps! Doable, but I'll definitely have to get in a walk on at least one break to make it, maybe both breaks.

I made the decision to not get on the scale today or for awhile. Instead I measured my waist - 47 inches. Good God! At 5'1", I'm almost as big around as I am tall! OY! I'd rather look at measurements than weight for awhile. i get too obsessive about the numbers on the scale and allow them to dictate how I feel for the rest of the day, or week!

So, today's goals:
1. no fast food. I do this wayyyy too often.
2. 3128 steps
3. Water. I'm really not good at getting the water today, I'm making it a priority.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEEKYPOET 7/23/2007 9:20AM

    What a great idea - thanks for sharing the website. Great goals too - I think that's becoming my fav part of Monday. It's like a reset button,

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Standing up...again

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Back to fall down...and get back up.

We went out to eat at a local restaurant. There were Jodie and I and my two youngest kids. The server was very young, and he put us in a tiny, tiny booth. I suspect a more experienced server would have taken one look at me and put us in a larger booth...but that's not what happened.

I knew the minute I tried to sit down in the booth and scoot to the inside...that I was too big for the seat. The booth seat and table were fixed in place, so there was no moving it out of the way. I had a brief thought about asking to sit somewhere else, but I was embarrassed and thought - just eat and forget it.

I did not enjoy our time there, I was wedged in and I felt like a sardine in a can.

Shortly before we finished eating, a group of young 20's or so were seated across the aisle from us. When it was time for us to leave, I had a much harder time getting out of the booth. It was low to the ground, and I was wedged in there...and it took me several minutes to get out of it.

Meanwhile...those 20 year olds watched me struggling to get myself out of that booth with a mixture of expressions on their faces...some thought it was funny...some, it was easy to see they were disgusted.

I can't explain how I felt. The closest I can come to you ever have those dreams where suddenly you realize you're naked at work or at school...and how you want to hide? THAT is very close to how I felt.

So...what am I going to do about it?
1. Realize that bellydance isn't cutting it. It obviously isn't cutting it if I'm dancing more than ever...and weighing as much as I weigh. Other exercise has to come into the equation for health and fitness reasons.

To that end, I purchased a pedometor and have been walking every day. On work days, that may mean two 10 minute walks but it's a start. Today is saturday so I went to a local park and walked the trail for 35 minutes. It equaled 3,000 steps! I was also all to aware of how out of shape I was at the end of that 35 minutes.

2. Keep the horror of the realization of "oh my god, I am too fat to get out of this booth" in the forefront of my mind. No other motivator has ever been this powerful - I need to use it.

3. Stop my all or nothing thinking. I either use Spark People perfectly (all the components) or not at all. that's ridiculous. Take what I can use and don't beat myself up for the rest. Right now, that means tracking my walking and reading, reading, reading, and making myself journal. That is good enough for me right this minute.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    God, I can't imagine how that felt for you. Good for you for turning it into something positive. I remember one time when I was waitressing a group of kids were at a table and one of them said, "call that fat waitress over here"... hell, I was only 180 then! Gawsh, what would they say now??

Anyway, I too wanted to do belly dancing -- I still do ... I think it's sexy! :) But for the weightloss stuff, it's that darn treadmill and elliptical torture device, er, I mean machine for me.

If we lived closer, I'd totally go to belly dancing classes w/ you... not that I know where you live.. lol

Anyway, I'm proud what you're doing.

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TERJEGOLD 7/22/2007 3:19PM

    Crystal said everything I am thinking in a way far more eloquent and powerful than I could. I have tears in my eyes right now just imagining what you had to go through, and with your children watching, no less. I honor and commend you for your determination to succeed no matter what. Also know that your journey might not take just one day to "arrive" and that's perfectly fine. It takes as long as it takes but, once there, it is no less sweet for having been a longer journey.

I remember once, a couple of years ago, when my SIL was visiting us. She weighed almost 600 pounds at the time and it was a struggle to just get into the house from the car. She sat on one of the dining room chairs and the leg broke. My heart broke for her because she was mortified. The good news from that, however, is that she made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery fairly soon after that and now, two years later, she is a little under 200 pounds, a weight she has not been at since Middle School! Her quality of life is so much better and she will undoubtedly live to see her 5 year old daughter graduate from college and marry. She is my hero and you will be too!

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A_PRESENCE 7/21/2007 8:14PM

    I can feel your frustration thru your writing.
I can feel your MOTIVATION thru your writing.

It amazes me, how you are using this experience to change!
Use it, Use it, Use it!!

I say go back to the resturant & take a picture of this booth; YOU WILL CONQUER... hang the picture EVERYWHERE.

126 lbs ago I was very anxious when I would get on roller coasters, just because I wasn't sure if the overhead bars would lock down. I remember seeing a young lady, get asked to get off the roller coaster.... it hurt me, and affected me to see her, waving at her friends as we pulled off. I wanted to get off the roller coaster & comfort her.. to stand with a determination that bigger ppl were being descriminated against!!!

I still have a picture of a roller coaster hanging on my office refrigerator.

Keep Blogging! You are helping other people stay motivated :)

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