Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Weigh ins looking a bit more stable, nice!
I'm overwhelmed by the support and kindness I received yesterday, thank you!
Mary's first experience with recovery started at 15...then she decided when she was 21 she was "cured" - that was just a problem she had when she was a kid. I became well acquainted with the 12 steps then, and even joined OA myself for a time. I'm all too aware no one can force the addict/alcoholic to change - they must want it for themselves. Watching her decline the last couple of years has been really, really hard.
My son's bipolar is up and down and up and down and you never know what the day will bring. Figuring how to parent that can sometimes be really hard - but I've joined an online support group, I'm reading and learning what I can...and i'm trying to be hopeful. Right this minute - it's not so easy. But I'm trying.
Food yesterday was completely off program. I'm broke, sugar abounds in the office, and it's the holidays. So today, I'm working the food plan, the water and trying to avoid the freaking sugar!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Many things swirling in my head.
24yo daughter - lots of alcohol happening last couple years...culminating in one-night stands, black outs...Extreme fear and worry culminated the last couple days through phone conversations. She called me last night, and said through her tears "i'm an alcoholic". She found an AA meeting and went, first one in about 9 years. She spent 69 days in inpatient rehab at 16...then decided she was "cured" and was no longer an alcoholic/addict. began drinking again, told me to mind my own business - she didn't have a 'problem'.
Of course, that very first drink was her first step on the road she is on today - no self resect, needs alcohol to "make it through the day"...
I'm so incredibly glad she made the leap, called to find a meeting and went. I cried with her on the phone (she lives 4 hours away).This a.m. I had an email "I don't know, maybe I really don't have a problem. I'm confused. I guess I'll go to another meeting tomorrow and try to figure out if I really have a problem".
Needless to say, up and down rollercoaster for her mom.
Son's bipolar causing issues at school/home. Partner not really understanding, thinks maybe we just need to "be more strict with him." Um, that's not the answer - that we're just bad parents and he is acting out. He has a disease that makes his brain act different...and he has only been on meds a few weeks, it takes awhile to find the right combo etc.....but i'm feeling sort of alone with this. i asked her to read some things to help her understand his diagnoses...she did...then she went right back to 'being firm" with him - but not in what I think is a helpful way.
Yesterday was so stressful. I ran a hot bath before bed and laid in it and cried. I binged on goodies at work. How do I know an alcoholic? because i recognize addiction in myself, LOL. I can't have 'just one" peice of candy.
This morning I am so sad.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
today's gratitude: That I have the opportunity to be alive and enjoy this holiday season!
Today's weigh in, back down to 241.6, continuing the up down up down cycle.
Last nights party: I had one drink, I did eat a few appetizers but they were mostly protein so that wasn't bad, I had one roll with butter and enjoyed every bite! and I split a dessert with jodie. Ate a large portion of veggie, fruit and salmon off the buffet. All in all, I feel GOOD about it!
Today, we discussed it and the truth is I really wanna make cupcakes - so we're going to make them today, and jodie went on FB last night and said we're making cupcakes, who wants some? so they are already given away! I'm going to have one - and that's it.
if this does not go according to said plan, I will not be doing any more baking! It's something i really really enjoy, so i want to give it a try. i also liked the idea of giving them to people who want them, so I don't unwittingly surprise someone with something they are trying to avoid like me! So, we'll see how that turns out.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Mmm, Saturday weigh in for Spark Spirit 5% challenge is not what I'd hoped or anticipated. Thoughts:
1) Historically, it seems to take about a week for change to register on the scale for me. Is this the result of being sick last week and not getting any cardio in?
2) Went for blood draw this a.m. (9 tubes!) and subsequently my weigh in was not my normal pattern of 6 a.m. after coffee and breakfast, it was 2 hours later.
3) Is this just the continued up and down of the last week, and today's weigh in unfortunately hit that up spot?
4) My 90 minute dance class was cancelled due to weather last night - not sure what if any impact this might have had except I notice I'm puffy this a.m. with water retention and that's one of the things exercise seems to really help with.
Lastly, I had some emotional eating last night, bordering on a binge. It was a very long week and finals week on top of it, my partner had a meltdown over her own issues, and my ADHD son had some school problems. I found myself eating when I wasn't hungry and eating things definitely not on my plan...and once I started, i couldn't walk away. Not quite a binge, but definitely very out of place for my eating plan.
So, this weekend is about regrouping, refocusing, planning and stopping this freaking rollercoaster ride on my weigh in report!
Lastly, no I do NOT usually weigh in daily and I'm well aware of the pitfalls of it: you can get discouraged by the day-to-day fluctuations etc. However, I am going to continue for one more week before I give up on the daily weigh in part of one of my team goals - if, indeed, the historical thing of my body needing a week to really show the work I've done, etc, next week should be freaking stellar. Sort of interested to see how that plays out.
Tonight, my work party. This is one of the 4 meals I gave myself to not be on plan during the challenge. I'm not going with the idea of binging by any means, but if I want a roll or bit of potato, i'm having it. It's been two weeks of being on plan 95% of the time. It's buffet and I plan on making the best food choices I can and allow myself that bit of leeway.
Every year i do a lot of holiday baking which we give to friends, I especially like making a variety of fancy cookies...I'm thinking maybe I should skip that this year - I really do not need cookies in the house. If I do decide to do it, I'm going to pack them the same day and deliver them the next day so they aren't in my face. if I do it at all.
Feeling grumpy. sigh. perhaps I'll work on some relaxation, get my workout in and i'll feel better. here's to a better weigh in next saturday!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Yesterday, it was bagels.
I have not succumbed, despite the fact no less than FOUR people have come to make sure I knew they were there, and one even offered to get me one.
No, no, no!!! Back, foul pastry, back! you are not welcome here....
work is being a bit annoying today, and any other time (before my doc apt) I would have had at least 2 donuts to help me through the gripey complaining childish stuff that seems to happen when way too many women work together, LOL. Yes, yes, I know, men can be that way too...but there's something um, "special" about having a ratio of 4:1 women:men that can happen...sigh.
But, it's friday. Today, the scale is back down to that low weight, and the weekend is at my door. A great workout is planned for tonight...so not all is lost.
And if I'm lucky, the donuts will be gone by the time I get back from lunch!
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