NOREGRET2010   49,206
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wednesday check in

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Weigh ins looking a bit more stable, nice!

I'm overwhelmed by the support and kindness I received yesterday, thank you!

Mary's first experience with recovery started at 15...then she decided when she was 21 she was "cured" - that was just a problem she had when she was a kid. I became well acquainted with the 12 steps then, and even joined OA myself for a time. I'm all too aware no one can force the addict/alcoholic to change - they must want it for themselves. Watching her decline the last couple of years has been really, really hard.

My son's bipolar is up and down and up and down and you never know what the day will bring. Figuring how to parent that can sometimes be really hard - but I've joined an online support group, I'm reading and learning what I can...and i'm trying to be hopeful. Right this minute - it's not so easy. But I'm trying.

Food yesterday was completely off program. I'm broke, sugar abounds in the office, and it's the holidays. So today, I'm working the food plan, the water and trying to avoid the freaking sugar!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEAN111766 12/15/2010 12:28PM

    I just read your posts- yesterday and todays. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am so sorry your kids have to go through these problems as well. My brother *was* an addict and had severe mental illness with schizophrenia (thought to be drug induced around the time he was 18ish)... he got on the right meds and got his life turned around for about 15 years, so we had some great times with him. Unfortunately he had a major relapse and passed away approx 4 years ago. Mental Illness is never cured... just put into remission... much like cancer. It sounds like you are doing everything you can from your end... the only thing I can say is, take care of yourself. You cannot change the situation... just how you respond to it. Make a committment to yourself to stay on your program no matter what stressor hits you... that is what I have decided I have to do. Sending emoticon your way!!!

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So Sad

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Many things swirling in my head.

24yo daughter - lots of alcohol happening last couple years...culminating in one-night stands, black outs...Extreme fear and worry culminated the last couple days through phone conversations. She called me last night, and said through her tears "i'm an alcoholic". She found an AA meeting and went, first one in about 9 years. She spent 69 days in inpatient rehab at 16...then decided she was "cured" and was no longer an alcoholic/addict. began drinking again, told me to mind my own business - she didn't have a 'problem'.

Of course, that very first drink was her first step on the road she is on today - no self resect, needs alcohol to "make it through the day"...

I'm so incredibly glad she made the leap, called to find a meeting and went. I cried with her on the phone (she lives 4 hours away).This a.m. I had an email "I don't know, maybe I really don't have a problem. I'm confused. I guess I'll go to another meeting tomorrow and try to figure out if I really have a problem".

Needless to say, up and down rollercoaster for her mom.

Son's bipolar causing issues at school/home. Partner not really understanding, thinks maybe we just need to "be more strict with him." Um, that's not the answer - that we're just bad parents and he is acting out. He has a disease that makes his brain act different...and he has only been on meds a few weeks, it takes awhile to find the right combo etc.....but i'm feeling sort of alone with this. i asked her to read some things to help her understand his diagnoses...she did...then she went right back to 'being firm" with him - but not in what I think is a helpful way.

Yesterday was so stressful. I ran a hot bath before bed and laid in it and cried. I binged on goodies at work. How do I know an alcoholic? because i recognize addiction in myself, LOL. I can't have 'just one" peice of candy.

This morning I am so sad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZLOIE2 12/15/2010 9:10AM

    Having a son who has suffered through a motorcyle accident and left as a parapelgic with brain injury I really understand and share alot to the same feelings. My partner of 11 years does try very hard to understand and be helpful. We were together when this happened so she has walked the road with me. I do hope your partner comes to understand your son and gives you the support you really need. I have to take a day to just let it all out and cry and then pull myself back up the next day and get it going again. Sending you good thoughts and understanding.

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SCROOKS26 12/15/2010 8:00AM

    Dont be sad, which I know is hard to say or feel. We do our best for our children. We can only hope they take our advice and learn from our mistakes. Its hard for people to understand bi-polar children. We seem to always think they need more strict handling and thats just not it. They hae a chemical imbalance that makes discipline almost impossible. I have a nephew that I have had custody of who is 14 with bi polar disorder and we have been on a roller coaster ride his whole life. Not to mention all the meds we have tried. You are not alone my friend. Try to stay positive and be there for them when they fall.

Comment edited on: 12/15/2010 8:00:28 AM

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LOVESTODJ 12/14/2010 10:45PM

    This roller coaster of addiction is a hard, but you're strong and can handle it. Be there for your family and for yourself to get through the tough times. Know that you have others that support you virtually and are pretty good listeners.
emoticon emoticon

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SPARKIE1964 12/14/2010 8:42PM

    A BIG virtual hug to you during a difficult time. It is difficult to be a parent under any circumstance. How do we watch our children experience challenges? We don't always have the answers ourselves which is frustrating because we so much want to help them. At these times, I personally fall back on therapy where I can find the answers I seek with some help from a professional. Thinking of you my friend...

emoticon emoticon

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JLPEASE 12/14/2010 3:00PM

    So emoticon to read your blog. My sister is bipolar and it's a very tough diagnosis. It does take a while for the meds to kick in and even then they have to be monitored. There is no quick "fix" for this, that's for sure. And to have your daughter's alcohol addiction added to it, I can't even imagine how much you are going through right now. However, like GRAPHICKAT said, even though we'd like to be able to always fix everything for our kids, once they reach a certain age, there is not a lot we can do except watch from the sidelines and be there when they ask for help.
Stay strong and lean on us when you need to.


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GRAPHICKAT 12/14/2010 10:13AM

    Stay strong, be there for your children but do not try to fix them. They are now adults and as hard as it is to watch they need to WANT to fix it before they can. You cannot change them! You can throw help in their path, but it's up to them to latch on and use it. It's probably the hardest thing you can ever do is watch while someone you love is hurting themselves this way and you can't stop it.

Tough time of year to deal with these issues, but as you can see here, many others share your pain. Try an al-anon meeting.

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1CRAZYDOG 12/14/2010 9:27AM

    Well first of all prayers and hugs. Either aoloholism or bi-polar on it's own is VERY difficult but you're dealing with both.

Sounds like your DD is "hitting bottom" if she attended a meeting. If she keeps going and has a sponsor worth his/her salt, she'll "stay the path" and work the steps. It is hard as a parent to KNOW what the rigth answer is but not be able to make your child do it!! And at 24 she is still a child (from where I sit!!)

My DS is 18 and was diagnosed with ADHD, depression mood disorder (I would have to say at least emerging bi-polar) and recovering from cutting. He left home (long story) 2 days after his 18th birthday. **SIGH** You think problems cease when they're out of the house, but that's not how it goes! With him, it's one thing after another. High School was very, very stressful with the constant calls, etc. I don't miss that part, but in many ways it is more difficult to worry about our kids from a distance!

I "get it!" GRRRR . . . the attitude about bad parenting really, really gets under my skin!!!

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

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DLDROST 12/14/2010 9:18AM

  We;re here for you just take it one day at a time and in the meanwhile take care of yourself

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DEBBIEKAY1 12/14/2010 8:58AM

    emoticonyou have to go through this. my daughter is bipolar it is a hard disease to handle at times, but with the right med's it will all work out. I am so glad your daughter is going to AA just remember she is the only one that can change herself and a suggestion read an Al-anon book oh my it helped me so much it really did! i was married to an alcoholic
try not to be sad and think of all the things you have to be thankful for!

Sending you big hugs Debbie

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Sunday check in

Sunday, December 12, 2010

today's gratitude: That I have the opportunity to be alive and enjoy this holiday season!

Today's weigh in, back down to 241.6, continuing the up down up down cycle.

Whatever! LOL

Last nights party: I had one drink, I did eat a few appetizers but they were mostly protein so that wasn't bad, I had one roll with butter and enjoyed every bite! and I split a dessert with jodie. Ate a large portion of veggie, fruit and salmon off the buffet. All in all, I feel GOOD about it!

Today, we discussed it and the truth is I really wanna make cupcakes - so we're going to make them today, and jodie went on FB last night and said we're making cupcakes, who wants some? so they are already given away! I'm going to have one - and that's it.

if this does not go according to said plan, I will not be doing any more baking! It's something i really really enjoy, so i want to give it a try. i also liked the idea of giving them to people who want them, so I don't unwittingly surprise someone with something they are trying to avoid like me! So, we'll see how that turns out.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVESTODJ 12/12/2010 9:30PM

A weak spot for me at times. I do love baking and have to curb what I create. Making treats to share is a great idea.

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GR8VIEWS 12/12/2010 9:11PM

    What a great idea! You can enjoy baking, taste one, and share your talents with others. That's the best Christmas gift ever!!!

Sounds like you did well at the party... Our company party was Friday night. I put salad on 1/3 of my plate, just to take up room so I would choose what I REALLY wanted to eat, and just a little bit of it. I did eat mahi mahi and prime rib, as well as sweet potato/pear 'hash' and some vegetables. Oh, and dessert. I didn't eat the whole thing, which was probably 2 servings, but I did eat more than half. AND ENJOYED IT!!! Had a glass of wine and one vodka tonic. All in all, not TOO bad.

Have a WONDERFUL week, friend. Enjoy making and sharing those cupcakes...

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FUTUREHOPE49 12/12/2010 3:42PM

    Well done for doing so well at the party! Enjoy your baking!

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Not such an auspicious start..

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Mmm, Saturday weigh in for Spark Spirit 5% challenge is not what I'd hoped or anticipated. Thoughts:

1) Historically, it seems to take about a week for change to register on the scale for me. Is this the result of being sick last week and not getting any cardio in?
2) Went for blood draw this a.m. (9 tubes!) and subsequently my weigh in was not my normal pattern of 6 a.m. after coffee and breakfast, it was 2 hours later.
3) Is this just the continued up and down of the last week, and today's weigh in unfortunately hit that up spot?
4) My 90 minute dance class was cancelled due to weather last night - not sure what if any impact this might have had except I notice I'm puffy this a.m. with water retention and that's one of the things exercise seems to really help with.

Lastly, I had some emotional eating last night, bordering on a binge. It was a very long week and finals week on top of it, my partner had a meltdown over her own issues, and my ADHD son had some school problems. I found myself eating when I wasn't hungry and eating things definitely not on my plan...and once I started, i couldn't walk away. Not quite a binge, but definitely very out of place for my eating plan.

So, this weekend is about regrouping, refocusing, planning and stopping this freaking rollercoaster ride on my weigh in report!

Lastly, no I do NOT usually weigh in daily and I'm well aware of the pitfalls of it: you can get discouraged by the day-to-day fluctuations etc. However, I am going to continue for one more week before I give up on the daily weigh in part of one of my team goals - if, indeed, the historical thing of my body needing a week to really show the work I've done, etc, next week should be freaking stellar. Sort of interested to see how that plays out.

Tonight, my work party. This is one of the 4 meals I gave myself to not be on plan during the challenge. I'm not going with the idea of binging by any means, but if I want a roll or bit of potato, i'm having it. It's been two weeks of being on plan 95% of the time. It's buffet and I plan on making the best food choices I can and allow myself that bit of leeway.

Every year i do a lot of holiday baking which we give to friends, I especially like making a variety of fancy cookies...I'm thinking maybe I should skip that this year - I really do not need cookies in the house. If I do decide to do it, I'm going to pack them the same day and deliver them the next day so they aren't in my face. if I do it at all.

Feeling grumpy. sigh. perhaps I'll work on some relaxation, get my workout in and i'll feel better. here's to a better weigh in next saturday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAPHICKAT 12/12/2010 8:45AM

    Missing your aerobic exercise most definitely will cause water retention. I have hereditary lymphodema in my ankles. If I run or do other aerobic exercise they will not swell for a couple of days. If I don't, well fat ankles. Pretty good motivation for me.

Ok, you had a tough week. Shake it off and get out there and do good this week. If we can lose weight in the month of December, think how easy it should be for next year!

Good idea to give up the holiday baking for this year. Pretty sure most recipients of baked goods are trying to watch what they eat as well.

By the way, a friend pointed out to me once that when you binge or don't exercise "it takes two days to show and two days to go". I've found this to be pretty true so if you overindulge or don't get enough exercise get right back on track and look for your results in two days!

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TERRYT55 12/11/2010 2:01PM

    Don't beat yourself up......we all have ups & downs! This is such a hectic time of year! I find myself mindlessly popping nuts in my mouth every time I pass my dining room table. Our minds are on so many things that it's easy to slide a bit.

I hope you have a great time at your work party tonight.

I have been arguing with myself for two months now about my usual holiday baking and candy making. I love giving homemade treats this time of year. So far I've made three cookie doughs and three types of candy and haven't tasted any.....hubby is my taster. I chew cinnamon gum to keep myself from sampling and so far it's working.

I know you'll have a better weigh in next Saturday. Take care and have a great week. Merry Christmas!

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Donuts in the break room...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Yesterday, it was bagels.

I have not succumbed, despite the fact no less than FOUR people have come to make sure I knew they were there, and one even offered to get me one.

No, no, no!!! Back, foul pastry, back! you are not welcome here....

work is being a bit annoying today, and any other time (before my doc apt) I would have had at least 2 donuts to help me through the gripey complaining childish stuff that seems to happen when way too many women work together, LOL. Yes, yes, I know, men can be that way too...but there's something um, "special" about having a ratio of 4:1 women:men that can happen...sigh.

But, it's friday. Today, the scale is back down to that low weight, and the weekend is at my door. A great workout is planned for not all is lost.

And if I'm lucky, the donuts will be gone by the time I get back from lunch!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVESTODJ 12/10/2010 8:24PM

    That's such great news!
Stay strong and enjoy your weekend away from their temptation.

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CALIKIKI 12/10/2010 4:04PM

    YAY you!!

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LADYBIRD82 12/10/2010 3:23PM

    Boy it sounds like you work with such a great bunch, they all were nice enough to tell you about the doughnuts. Great job turning them down, what do they say, "Once on the lips forever on the hips". emoticon emoticon Have a great weekend emoticon

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FUTUREHOPE49 12/10/2010 3:05PM

    Well done for resisting the temptation! Hope the scales are still low for the weigh in! Good luck!

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MARATHONBOUND 12/10/2010 2:54PM

    Awesome that you are resisting! I am on Day 10 and haven't succumbed yet! So proud of you! Have an awesome weekend! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LYNNOTT 12/10/2010 2:13PM

    What fortitude! You didn't cave when "reminded" (how nice of people) about the donuts! I've had a crappy week at work as well, but we can cheer up - the weekend is almost upon us! Hope you have a great, healthy weekend!

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WISEGIRL 12/10/2010 1:47PM

    Hang in there. I feel your pain. We have a gift basket of chocolates and carmel corn in our break room today. The sweets are calling me, but I am trying very hard to ignore them. I am thinking "A minute on the lips and a lifetime on the hips".

Besides that, I had a loss of almost 2# this week. This is the start of the weekend and it is difficult for me to maintain a loss over the weekend. I don't need to sabotage my efforts even before the weekend starts. Good luck! emoticon

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