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Rededication to the Journey

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Yesterday, I felt so despondent over my health that I wrote to a Spark Buddy "I'm afraid I'm going to eat myself to death"

Signficantly, this was on the 2nd anniversary of my father's death from morbid obesity.

I struggled with those same emotions the obese person has gone through so many times, yet again. Feelings of failure, fear and hopelessness.

After my meeting with the doctor last month, I followed the plan she set for me for about a week. Then school started, work stress started mounting, and the plan sank into oblivion. A coworker "threw me under the bus"....and at first I was so angry and so hurt....and after a bit I realized my own contribution to the mess was that I kept silent, yet again, stuffed my feelings and emotions often with food....I hoped that though people would hear the ugly things she said, if I just went on about my business they would see me for who I am and know those things weren't true. During an episonde of great stress at work, I got up from my desk and my left shoulder was aching so i was rubbing it...and one of the girls worriedly asked if I could be having a heart attack.

WAKE UP CALL. Big, big BIG wakeup call. Cuz I wasn't having a heart attack, but I sure could have been.

I realized I have to do something, yet again. I thought about gyms and (very unrealistically) weight loss surgery and i cried and I wallowed in pain yesterday.

Then last night I went to B&N and purchased The Spark. I laid in the bathtub and read the success story pages....and heard the voice of scorn inside that I can't do that - I can't be those people who shed hundreds of pounds, because I'm lazy and lack discipline. I cried and read, cried and read. I went to bed and lay in the dark thinking.

Before i went to sleep, I turned to jodie and said - "this week, I'm going to do it. I'm going to put my all into it."

Today, I'm dancing in a local bellydance showcase at 240+ pounds. I want to dance in six months with energy and the joy that eludes me today. I want to be alive - joyously, actively, healthfully ALIVE.

Today is once again "Day 1". How many obese people have had so many "day 1's" they can't count them, and they lose the trust and hope that they CAN succeed? I'm pushing those feelings of fear and failure away, and working on being hopeful and excited about DOING IT.

today is Day 1.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEGALLYBLONDE81 1/17/2011 9:51PM

    You CAN do this. I weighted over 250 at one time and I did it. Start with baby steps. Set small goals so that you can't fail and let yourself be proud for achieving them. Set your sights on the long term (because it will take time). Remember your ultimate goal and know that all the little goals will build upon each other and get you there.

Losing weight is really about changing your habits. It's not about deprivation but replacing the old habits with new, better ones.

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SPARKIE1964 1/16/2011 4:25PM

    Proud of you for making the commitment to YOU and for beginning to read THE SPARK. It took you a life time to develop your current habits, so give yourself some time to build new healthier habits. You CAN and WILL do this, with one foot in front of the other. Remember to reward yourself when you have even small success. Use the set backs to learn and fine tune what you need to do in order to reach your goals. The Spark Spirits are right by your side....

emoticon emoticon

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IMAGINE_IT 1/16/2011 4:09PM

    It took me way too many years (years where i gained and gained even more pounds!!) before i finally said "enough" and that was almost 2yrs ago. I got serious about losing weight but most of all i want to stay healthy..or be the healthiest i can be!! I got involved here on Spark..i may spent way too much time here but it works..because i like the little challenges my team throws out..and i am somewhat it has been working for me...what am i saying??
It is different for everyone..some will 'jump right into it' and go strong from Day1..for others it may take longer..and then there are people who will start over and over again..or quit right away only to be never seen again.
You have to ask yourself just how badly you want to succeed at badly you want to be badly you want to enjoy life with your loved ones. I can tell that you are ready..if you can keep that "Spark' that is ignited right now..going you are well on your way.
Stay strong..and keep moving..and you will succeed at this weight loss..i promise you!! emoticon emoticon
Anytime you need an extra 'push' feel free to stop by my page! emoticon emoticon

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ILIKECACTI 1/16/2011 1:43PM

    You can do it! The thing that matters most is that you keep on trying. I too have had many day 1s... but that's ok.

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RAINCITYGAL 1/16/2011 12:42PM

  You can do anything. One step (or belly wiggle!) at a time. Dry your tears, make your plan and then live the plan. Set your goals, it is so much easier when you have something you are working for. AND, be kind to yourself. You are unique and special, you are the only you. Choose to be your best, no matter what your weight or health. Today is a gift, enjoy it!

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CARRIE310 1/16/2011 12:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

All of these icons describe the person you are. I hope one day to belly dance. It is such a good exercise. You will be fine. Do not give up. This journey is about you and being healthy. Hang in there.

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    Yes you can do it!! You must believe in yourself and we will all be here to support you!! Beside i think you are awesome for being able to do belly dance!! You have no idea how jealous i am, i'd loooooooooooove to learn!!
emoticon emoticon

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"Mama called the doctor and the doctor said...."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

No more monkeys jumpin' on the bed....or in my case, MORE jumping, LOL. More about that in a minute...

I had my followup to my initial consultation yesterday. When I saw her last month (she only comes to my city 1x a month), she ordered a lot of blood work.

Let me be clear, I have seen doctors. I have told them that no matter WHAT I do, I can lose a little weight - maybe up to 20 pounds- and then it ends, no matter how dedicated I am. They said, "oh, have you tried weight watchers?" that's about it. I even tried a medically supervised fast, same thing. These were not bad doctors, they just saw that I was overweight and should lose it, and it "shouldn't be that hard". Obviously, it WAS.

Yesterday, I was given real reasons WHY I'm not losing weight, for the first time in the 20+ years I've been struggling:
#1: My hormones are out of whack. I have too little estrogen and too much progesterone. She said in some women, even a small imbalance here can make losing weight nigh impossible, and one of the multiple things impacting my metabolism.
#2: My Vit D level was 14. Optimally, it should be between 60-100. Low vit
D contributes to fatigue and depression, and is likely impacting my metabolism.
#3: The insulin resistance - my fasting blood glucose was too high, not quite diabetes, but high enough that the insulin resistance is in full swing.

She said these three things by themselves could impact someone's weight loss efforts, all three? she said I've been basically beating my head against a brick wall, trying but with no success.

WOW. Do you know for YEARS I have tried. i TRIED. I followed the diets - weight watchers, jenny craig, low carb, whatever, and I lost no weight. i exercised and i lost little. It took a herculean effort to lose ANY weight. I thought I was lazy, I thought I was doomed to be fat. Finally, a real reason I'm not losing weight, and ways to FIX it so I CAN lose weight with all this freaking effort!!

The doc's RX;
1. prescription vit D
2. progesterone cream
3. A specific regimen of supplements (pharmaceutical grade to be ordered online).
4. A mammogram, with hormonal imbalance like this, breast cancer is a risk.
5. 30 minutes MORE cardio a day, my cholesterol is good, but the good kind is too low and exercise and diet are the ways to try to change it first.
6. The low glycemic food plan.

A reason i can't lose weight, a real reason. That, my friends was my best christmas gift! I'm not lazy! I'm not "not trying hard enough". there's been a reason! I can't tell you how happy I am!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRY2KEEPGOING 12/31/2010 10:13PM

    What a relief!!!! It's a bummer to have these issues but a blessing now to know it. I hope the new regimen helps you a lot! emoticon

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GR8VIEWS 12/31/2010 9:02PM

    YEAH!!! You knew it... This is not a willpower, laziness issue - it's your body being an enemy instead. You now have the tools to fight a better battle and YOU WILL WIN!!!

Wishing you the best now, and in the New Year!

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SPARKIE1964 12/28/2010 2:09PM

    Thanks for posting your outcome as it gives me hope. DH has been telling me for years that my hormones are out of whack & recent bloodwork showed low levels of Vitamin D. Feel that I'm allergic to bread/rice/pasta (my comfort foods). Will look into the link & see what I can find here in NY.

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STEPHIEKNITS 12/28/2010 1:44PM

    It is always a relief to get answers along with a game plan. Congratulations!

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41SUSAN14 12/28/2010 12:16PM

    Nope, you're NOT lazy!

Go for this! It's going to be a tough row to hoe, but you're one toughie, and up to the challenge!

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TERRYT55 12/28/2010 11:40AM

    Wow.....what a great Christmas gift and what a terrific way to enter the new year! I know all the the changes you are making will have such a positive impact on your life. I'm looking forward to hearing about it.

Take care and Happy New Year!


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MARYANNGI 12/28/2010 10:32AM

    Totally emoticon news. Isn't it great to finally have a doctor who listens?!

Good luck in 2011 emoticon

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MAGGIEBAASE 12/28/2010 9:27AM

  Sounds like you found one of those doctors like mine! I don't have the other two, but getting diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency (mine was 16) in the spring really made a difference in chronic chest pain (costochondritis) I'd been experiencing for three years. Other doctors wanted to just give me 800 mg Ibuprofen "as needed" and told me it should go away. This lady ran some blood work and then got me moving through the pain. The vitamin D and extra exercise has gotten me through depression-type emotions and abnormal body pains.

It might feel like a lot of vitamin D, but keep taking it! Even after the prescribed kind I need to take at least 2,000 IUs a day. My last check was 35 at the end of the summer. I'm sure you'll do this, but make sure to get it checked so you know you are taking enough. (My 35 was after skipping occasionally because it was summer...)

I'm very glad that you have a new starting point and that you can get results for the effort you are actually putting in. AND congratulations for not stopping when the doctors contributed you not losing weight to what you were (or weren't) doing. They sometimes see only a glimpse of us, and we must search for the one that will try to see the whole picture.

Thank you for your inspiring post!

(And sorry for such a long comment!)

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IMAGINE_IT 12/28/2010 9:13AM

    Wonderful News.. Thank you for the info....and i am very happy for you!! What a great Doctor....and now you have the tools..or Knowledge to make that change you have been wanting for so long...good for you!!
You will have a great New Year..Best wishes to you..and please keep us updated of your Success!! I am cheering for you emoticon emoticon
P.S.I am taking some Vitamin D right now!!! And i will have to check on some of those Hormone testing myself...very interesting..and i thank you again for sharing with us....

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MINIDRIVER63 12/28/2010 8:54AM

    Excellent! I hope this gives you the tools for a super-sucessful 2011!

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ROZELL99 12/28/2010 8:51AM

  I hope it works. Good luck.

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PERKOLADY 12/28/2010 8:48AM

  I am so happy for you I could weep. Genuinely. Consider yourself hugged today, good and hard! Congrats!

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SHELLEYNALLS 12/28/2010 8:45AM

    It is an awesome relief to be given concrete answers!!!! You must have felt like you shed 20 pounds in sheer burden to be justified!!!!!! Here's to a wonderful New Year!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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Reflections on 2010 - Food

Monday, December 27, 2010

End of November, I met with a new doc who took a lot of blood for a lot of tests, and put me on a low glycemic diet because I am insulin resistant and have metabolic syndrome.

When I ate according to plan, I lost some weight. But more than that, I really FELT good. I had energy, I wasn't exhausted constantly, and I noticed my allergies were almost gone.

This last 2 weeks I've eaten everything and anything and I feel like CRAPOLA! My energy is right back to nuthin, and my allergies are terrible!

So, my plan for 2011 food will be to continue on the low glycemic diet she gave me, eating six small meals a day, concentrating on combining proteins when I eat any kind of carb, no sugar, no flour, no rice, etc.

I'll admit I'm a lil nervous, she only comes to my town 1X a month, and today is the return visit where she will go over the results of the 9 vials of blood they took - the hormone testing, etc. I'm nervous. I'm a little afraid of what she's going to say - that I'm in worse shape than I thought, I guess. The reality? I know I'm not doing well. My arthritis is rampant, I look like I'm aging at light speed....So I'm ready to hear what she says and ACT on it.

Here's to food in 2011....nutritious, delicious and designed to fix my insulin problems.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GR8VIEWS 12/31/2010 8:56PM

    Hope you will update me on what you found out from the dr...

Here's to a GREAT 2011 for all of us!!! emoticon

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SPARKIE1964 12/27/2010 10:00AM

    You are a winner for getting equipped with the right information. You WILL reach your goals with this invaluable knowledge.

What kind of doc did you see and what is the test called as I feel like foods with high glycemic index have a negative impact on my body, my mood, weight loss goals.

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PRPLGRL 12/27/2010 9:13AM

    Hope everything works out!

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IMAGINE_IT 12/27/2010 9:09AM

    The Best thing is you already know and realized what does work..and you have been acting on just stay on that track...and later if and when the tests show something where you need to improve start working on that...just go day by day..and think 'healthy' and you will be just fine...don't be scared...stay positive and remember Knowledge is Power!! emoticon emoticon

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Reflections on 2010 - Exercise

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The week between Christmas and New Years is always one of reflection for me. This week my posts will be exploring the last year, and looking to 2011.

Last year, I think I decided on around 15 minutes of exercise a day (what I felt was the minimum I could ask of myself) would be 5385 minutes of exercise for the year. I blew by that a couple months ago and as of today, my exercise minutes have accumulated to 7579. With dance classes off till January, I don't really expect that to move a whole lot this week so i'm fine with using that as my year-end result.

A few ideas for deciding on my exercise goal for 2011 rolled around in my head, but I decided on adding 10 minutes a day (x 365 = 3650) to this years result for a goal of 11230 for 2011. That seems crazy when I look at it, but if I can have the minutes I did this year when I didn't track all year, I think it's doable, which is a big factor for me in goals.

I'm very good at setting unreasonable goals, LOL, so doable is a big thing for me!

I'm 8 months out from going to a weeklong "bootcamp" for bellydance and trying to achieve level II in a very physically demanding format. Right now, I am totally and completely not ready! I can't get through the level 1 warmups right now, level 2 is longer and harder. I must make a goal - a plan - for this or I'm going to crash and burn in August. Considering this is going to be a hefty chunk o' change i'll have to save and devote to this, I MUST BE AS READY AS POSSIBLE, not to mention the emotional readiness of knowing I have worked hard so that I CAN do the warmups when I get there (sit ups, push ups, hours of intensive dance training) without feeling like a failure and saying "I wish I would have prepped more...." i don't want that regret!!! i want to feel I prepped as best as I could, and if i don't make it, okay, but at least I really gave it my all!

I have the tools to train: Online classes (90 min classes, 45 of which is "warm up" - physical fitness basically, and 45 of dance) are paid up til April and i have several audio training drills I can use with my ipod that are from 15-30 minutes in duration to build up cardio stamina and train technique. So I can't say I don't have the tools I need. I just need to set a training schedule and KEEP it - while working full time, teaching dance part time, going to school part time and keeping my family rolling along.

Someone said to me, "you do too much. you should give up something so you are not overdoing it". Frankly, there is nothing I am wiling to give up! If I didn't teach dance, i wouldn't be getting a lot of the exercise i need, not to mention i really need the extra income. I am not willing to give up school yet. I've worked hard and I want to finish my AA degree before i take a break. That leaves giving up work family or troupe. Troupe is a highlight in my life, a competitive family of women who travel, compete and bring out the best in each other. I'm not giving it up. So, right now there is nothing to give up, in my eyes.

That means setting a doable schedule and then....actually....doing it. that, my friends, is the trick. I'll be thinking on that for a future post.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKIE1964 12/27/2010 9:49AM

    See you racked up serious fitness minutes already this week. Proud of ya! The trick is to find a routine that you can sustain regularly with your lifestyle. I struggle from all or nothing goals myself so I know it's a challenge. I'm learning that even 10 minutes is better than nothing when I can't get in a more vigorous work out. Changing the routine up & making it fun is another key ingredient. I had been spinning for months which got boring, so I did C25K & became a runner. That too soon got boring. With winter here, I'm back to spinning. Also, got the WII fit out for some fun family fitness this week with the kids...Belly dancing sounds fun...You CAN do it!

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LRSILVER 12/26/2010 11:42AM

    It sounds do-able, but make sure you have some down time in there.
Good luck emoticon

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GR8VIEWS 12/26/2010 10:55AM

    You have been doing great with your schedule. Ramping it up should be 'doable' like you are aiming for right now...

Creatively finding ways to ensure your family time is incorporated with your dancing or studying is one coping tactic you could use. You probably already do that, so it's OK to tell me to 'shut up!'... emoticon

We've talked about living intentionally and being good stewards of our time, money, and other resources. You are on your way with very specific goals... I need to learn from you!!!

Let's do this together... I'm taking a few days off the first of January to do this type of intentional review, as well as start my new semester off right... Know you have support from NM at any time!!!


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MARYANNGI 12/26/2010 9:48AM

    Sounds like you have a very full plate. Making a doable schedule is a must.

Let me know if it works. I am alsways creating them and them have a hard time following them emoticon. If it works, PLEASE let me know what worked! (LOL).

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I've been MIA...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Grateful for sparkpeople - it's here whether I am or not! Grateful for my spark friend Diane who sent me a goodie...for Spark Spirit team mates who checked on me.

Been a week. A hard week. A week of holiday parties, bipolar children meltdowns, an alcoholic daughter's roller coaster, sleepless nights, money's been a week.

I over ate some. I under ate some. I've cried. had my own meltdown. Been depressed - the holidays are supposed to be so happy, but I often find the reality not quite so. I'm on the cusp of the anniversary of my dad's death. On top of my own depression/PTSD, all of this is a bit much.

But I'm hanging on. I'm doing things to keep me sane. Knitting on some of my breaks at work. Exercising on some. Watching silly movies I can laugh at. Trying to keep it simple. Taking my own meds! Not a time to go awol on my own antidepressant, for sure!

Weight loss? yep, some. I will be relieved when this is done and there aren't any more deliveries of goodies to work! I'll be more so when just the pressure is done - people say "relax, enjoy it!"

Um, with a special needs kid, and alcoholic kid, a depressed partner and all the other stress of the holidays? Relax? buddy, I'm grittin' my teeth to get throgh it all, LOL.

Grateful for another day to work on getting it right. Thanks for listening.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GR8VIEWS 12/25/2010 5:35PM

    Whatever it takes... I'm glad to see you back, though I didn't check for a few days so missed your post.

Looking forward to 2011.... How about you? Have been in my own funk for a few weeks but am now looking up and out instead of in and down...

We can do this together! emoticon

Take care, friend...

Comment edited on: 12/25/2010 5:35:37 PM

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1BEACHWALKER 12/21/2010 10:32PM

    Hang in there! Here is a good quote for you:

I will take inventory of who I am, what I want and I will set my goals high and let nothing (or no one) stop me from reaching them! Richard Simmons

Stay strong-don't ever give up no matter what life throws at you! Take care! emoticon

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LOVESTODJ 12/21/2010 8:09PM

Glad to see you're back. I do hope your holidays give you some peace and rest to get ready for the new year.
Take care of yourself.

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JLPEASE 12/21/2010 7:05PM

    I've been thinking about you since your last post and hoping you were OK. You have a lot to deal with and this is probably about the toughest time of year for these challenges. I hope you know that we're all here for you and sending you our best wishes.

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MNABOY 12/21/2010 11:16AM

    Sounds like you are focusing on the good and fighting the Grinch trying to steal your happiness, keep it up. You are in my prayer

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EMTFF376 12/21/2010 7:59AM

    Wow. You are strong! emoticon

I had my own meltdown, but nothing like that. Thank you for reminding me of everything I need to be grateful for.

I live by the philosophy "don't ever tell yourself it can't get any worse... because it can"... and it has.

Great job for trying to focus on the positives and keep on gritting those teeth! :)

I hope your road smooths out soon.

R> emoticon

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