Sunday, January 16, 2011
Yesterday, I felt so despondent over my health that I wrote to a Spark Buddy "I'm afraid I'm going to eat myself to death"
Signficantly, this was on the 2nd anniversary of my father's death from morbid obesity.
I struggled with those same emotions the obese person has gone through so many times, yet again. Feelings of failure, fear and hopelessness.
After my meeting with the doctor last month, I followed the plan she set for me for about a week. Then school started, work stress started mounting, and the plan sank into oblivion. A coworker "threw me under the bus"....and at first I was so angry and so hurt....and after a bit I realized my own contribution to the mess was that I kept silent, yet again, stuffed my feelings and emotions often with food....I hoped that though people would hear the ugly things she said, if I just went on about my business they would see me for who I am and know those things weren't true. During an episonde of great stress at work, I got up from my desk and my left shoulder was aching so i was rubbing it...and one of the girls worriedly asked if I could be having a heart attack.
WAKE UP CALL. Big, big BIG wakeup call. Cuz I wasn't having a heart attack, but I sure could have been.
I realized I have to do something, yet again. I thought about gyms and (very unrealistically) weight loss surgery and i cried and I wallowed in pain yesterday.
Then last night I went to B&N and purchased The Spark. I laid in the bathtub and read the success story pages....and heard the voice of scorn inside that I can't do that - I can't be those people who shed hundreds of pounds, because I'm lazy and lack discipline. I cried and read, cried and read. I went to bed and lay in the dark thinking.
Before i went to sleep, I turned to jodie and said - "this week, I'm going to do it. I'm going to put my all into it."
Today, I'm dancing in a local bellydance showcase at 240+ pounds. I want to dance in six months with energy and the joy that eludes me today. I want to be alive - joyously, actively, healthfully ALIVE.
Today is once again "Day 1". How many obese people have had so many "day 1's" they can't count them, and they lose the trust and hope that they CAN succeed? I'm pushing those feelings of fear and failure away, and working on being hopeful and excited about DOING IT.
today is Day 1.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
No more monkeys jumpin' on the bed....or in my case, MORE jumping, LOL. More about that in a minute...
I had my followup to my initial consultation yesterday. When I saw her last month (she only comes to my city 1x a month), she ordered a lot of blood work.
Let me be clear, I have seen doctors. I have told them that no matter WHAT I do, I can lose a little weight - maybe up to 20 pounds- and then it ends, no matter how dedicated I am. They said, "oh, have you tried weight watchers?" that's about it. I even tried a medically supervised fast, same thing. These were not bad doctors, they just saw that I was overweight and should lose it, and it "shouldn't be that hard". Obviously, it WAS.
Yesterday, I was given real reasons WHY I'm not losing weight, for the first time in the 20+ years I've been struggling:
#1: My hormones are out of whack. I have too little estrogen and too much progesterone. She said in some women, even a small imbalance here can make losing weight nigh impossible, and one of the multiple things impacting my metabolism.
#2: My Vit D level was 14. Optimally, it should be between 60-100. Low vit
D contributes to fatigue and depression, and is likely impacting my metabolism.
#3: The insulin resistance - my fasting blood glucose was too high, not quite diabetes, but high enough that the insulin resistance is in full swing.
She said these three things by themselves could impact someone's weight loss efforts, all three? she said I've been basically beating my head against a brick wall, trying but with no success.
WOW. Do you know for YEARS I have tried. i TRIED. I followed the diets - weight watchers, jenny craig, low carb, whatever, and I lost no weight. i exercised and i lost little. It took a herculean effort to lose ANY weight. I thought I was lazy, I thought I was doomed to be fat. Finally, a real reason I'm not losing weight, and ways to FIX it so I CAN lose weight with all this freaking effort!!
The doc's RX;
1. prescription vit D
2. progesterone cream
3. A specific regimen of supplements (pharmaceutical grade to be ordered online).
4. A mammogram, with hormonal imbalance like this, breast cancer is a risk.
5. 30 minutes MORE cardio a day, my cholesterol is good, but the good kind is too low and exercise and diet are the ways to try to change it first.
6. The low glycemic food plan.
A reason i can't lose weight, a real reason. That, my friends was my best christmas gift! I'm not lazy! I'm not "not trying hard enough". there's been a reason! I can't tell you how happy I am!
Monday, December 27, 2010
End of November, I met with a new doc who took a lot of blood for a lot of tests, and put me on a low glycemic diet because I am insulin resistant and have metabolic syndrome.
When I ate according to plan, I lost some weight. But more than that, I really FELT good. I had energy, I wasn't exhausted constantly, and I noticed my allergies were almost gone.
This last 2 weeks I've eaten everything and anything and I feel like CRAPOLA! My energy is right back to nuthin, and my allergies are terrible!
So, my plan for 2011 food will be to continue on the low glycemic diet she gave me, eating six small meals a day, concentrating on combining proteins when I eat any kind of carb, no sugar, no flour, no rice, etc.
I'll admit I'm a lil nervous, she only comes to my town 1X a month, and today is the return visit where she will go over the results of the 9 vials of blood they took - the hormone testing, etc. I'm nervous. I'm a little afraid of what she's going to say - that I'm in worse shape than I thought, I guess. The reality? I know I'm not doing well. My arthritis is rampant, I look like I'm aging at light speed....So I'm ready to hear what she says and ACT on it.
Here's to food in 2011....nutritious, delicious and designed to fix my insulin problems.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The week between Christmas and New Years is always one of reflection for me. This week my posts will be exploring the last year, and looking to 2011.
Last year, I think I decided on around 15 minutes of exercise a day (what I felt was the minimum I could ask of myself) would be 5385 minutes of exercise for the year. I blew by that a couple months ago and as of today, my exercise minutes have accumulated to 7579. With dance classes off till January, I don't really expect that to move a whole lot this week so i'm fine with using that as my year-end result.
A few ideas for deciding on my exercise goal for 2011 rolled around in my head, but I decided on adding 10 minutes a day (x 365 = 3650) to this years result for a goal of 11230 for 2011. That seems crazy when I look at it, but if I can have the minutes I did this year when I didn't track all year, I think it's doable, which is a big factor for me in goals.
I'm very good at setting unreasonable goals, LOL, so doable is a big thing for me!
I'm 8 months out from going to a weeklong "bootcamp" for bellydance and trying to achieve level II in a very physically demanding format. Right now, I am totally and completely not ready! I can't get through the level 1 warmups right now, level 2 is longer and harder. I must make a goal - a plan - for this or I'm going to crash and burn in August. Considering this is going to be a hefty chunk o' change i'll have to save and devote to this, I MUST BE AS READY AS POSSIBLE, not to mention the emotional readiness of knowing I have worked hard so that I CAN do the warmups when I get there (sit ups, push ups, hours of intensive dance training) without feeling like a failure and saying "I wish I would have prepped more...." i don't want that regret!!! i want to feel I prepped as best as I could, and if i don't make it, okay, but at least I really gave it my all!
I have the tools to train: Online classes (90 min classes, 45 of which is "warm up" - physical fitness basically, and 45 of dance) are paid up til April and i have several audio training drills I can use with my ipod that are from 15-30 minutes in duration to build up cardio stamina and train technique. So I can't say I don't have the tools I need. I just need to set a training schedule and KEEP it - while working full time, teaching dance part time, going to school part time and keeping my family rolling along.
Someone said to me, "you do too much. you should give up something so you are not overdoing it". Frankly, there is nothing I am wiling to give up! If I didn't teach dance, i wouldn't be getting a lot of the exercise i need, not to mention i really need the extra income. I am not willing to give up school yet. I've worked hard and I want to finish my AA degree before i take a break. That leaves giving up work family or troupe. Troupe is a highlight in my life, a competitive family of women who travel, compete and bring out the best in each other. I'm not giving it up. So, right now there is nothing to give up, in my eyes.
That means setting a doable schedule and then....actually....doing it. that, my friends, is the trick. I'll be thinking on that for a future post.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Grateful for sparkpeople - it's here whether I am or not! Grateful for my spark friend Diane who sent me a goodie...for Spark Spirit team mates who checked on me.
Been a week. A hard week. A week of holiday parties, bipolar children meltdowns, an alcoholic daughter's roller coaster, sleepless nights, money issues....it's been a week.
I over ate some. I under ate some. I've cried. had my own meltdown. Been depressed - the holidays are supposed to be so happy, but I often find the reality not quite so. I'm on the cusp of the anniversary of my dad's death. On top of my own depression/PTSD, all of this is a bit much.
But I'm hanging on. I'm doing things to keep me sane. Knitting on some of my breaks at work. Exercising on some. Watching silly movies I can laugh at. Trying to keep it simple. Taking my own meds! Not a time to go awol on my own antidepressant, for sure!
Weight loss? yep, some. I will be relieved when this is done and there aren't any more deliveries of goodies to work! I'll be more so when just the pressure is done - people say "relax, enjoy it!"
Um, with a special needs kid, and alcoholic kid, a depressed partner and all the other stress of the holidays? Relax? buddy, I'm grittin' my teeth to get throgh it all, LOL.
Grateful for another day to work on getting it right. Thanks for listening.
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