Monday, February 07, 2011
My house, my life, feels like a warzone.
My partner and my kids are so at odds that I feel like I'm constantly "herding dynamite" - trying to keep them from connecting and exploding. Both sides have important points, and neither side is willing to concede.
My partner is unreasonable....and then angry that i don't "back her up".
My son has recently been diagnosed as bipolar and we are still working on medications and so he is not really capable of just letting go of stuff.
Both sides want me to defend them....but both sides have points where they are wrong and right - and I'm firmly in the middle.
I will not "back" my partner when she is unreasonable - which is unfortunately often. She has OCD and frankly, nothing can EVER be clean enough, ever. It's not reasonable for the rest of us to try to constantly meet unattainable standards, and so she complains unendingly and that sets the kids off, saying all she ever does is "b*5Xh".
Well, they're right! But I know and see the underlying reasons for it, so it's easier for me to deal with....but the last 2 months have even got on my nerves pretty bad.
So, health, fitness and wellness? Have been out the window. I spent the weekend mediating and crying and placating....and i'm so done it's not funny. i thought yestrday I would have a stroke...which simply puts me back at ....
I must care for myself or I WILL have a stroke or a heartattack and all these things will pale in comparison.
"Blended" family my arse. More like Battlezone family. Sigh
Thursday, February 03, 2011
This is midterm week, and it's kicking my butt to the curb. No time for exercise...only work school study work school study work school study.
Taking the supplements, working the food plan...still under 240. See the doc on the 21, and would like to have lost 5 more pounds by then....
If i can just make it through midterms....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I've been working my food plan, taking the supplements, the Rx Vit D, and using the hormone cream....and wearing my CPAP. I have a slight cold, but I feel pretty good anyway, so I think when the cold is gone I'll feel GREAT. I don't need a nap when I get home, I can stay up past 9 pm without falling asleep and my appetite has definitely decreased - I'm not ravenous all the time.
Yes, I did have a slight rebound from 240 as predicted, but it was very small (0.4 pounds) and today when I stepped on the scale....
238.5. Lowest weight in probably a year.
Very encouraging to keep on keepin' on!
The work tension/drama is still unfolding, but I've been able to distance myself from it and most importantly, not eat over it.
All in all, very happy with how I'm feeling and that the weight actually seems to be coming off...but still feeling a bit cautious over that because I've tried so hard and so long...if I can get past the losing 20 pounds mark and KEEP losing? That will be a huge confirmation that all the doc said was right on regarding my hormones, insulin resistance and Vit D deficiency.
so sign me, cautiously optimistic....
Monday, January 17, 2011
Today's weigh in showed me at 240.5. 240 has been my "glass floor"...I get there, and I bounce up in weight, looking at my weight chart since Dec 1, it has been within a 7 pound range, never getting below 240. I haven't been below 240 in maybe a year? Even then, it was fleeting, bounced right back up into the 240s again - regardless of how hard I was trying.
According to the doc - this is the effect of the hormone imbalance, vit D deficiency and not eating in sync with having insulin resistance.
Okay. So, I'm working my plan. This week I am very motivated to hit as many of my streaks/goals as possible and see if the hormone cream, vit D and handfulls of supplements prescribed combined with eating according to the low glycemic eating plan I was given make the difference.
I feel hopeful...
I danced a solo last night for the first time in months. I avoid solos. There's no one to look at but me...and all my weight. I worry that the hard work I've put into learning technique will not be what's seen - but the weight is what will draw people's attention. I decided however, that for mulitple reasons, I have to put myself out there more. Am I a bellydancer or just a bellydance teacher now? I am a bellydancer! The next showcase is in April...and I look forward to performing a solo....and wonder if the pics will show a difference?
Lastly, today is facing coworker who has been talking dirt behind my back. HR wants a formal meeting rather than me just addressing her, because it has affected the entire department. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to breathe and just remain true to myself.
Cross your fingers for me!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Yesterday, I felt so despondent over my health that I wrote to a Spark Buddy "I'm afraid I'm going to eat myself to death"
Signficantly, this was on the 2nd anniversary of my father's death from morbid obesity.
I struggled with those same emotions the obese person has gone through so many times, yet again. Feelings of failure, fear and hopelessness.
After my meeting with the doctor last month, I followed the plan she set for me for about a week. Then school started, work stress started mounting, and the plan sank into oblivion. A coworker "threw me under the bus"....and at first I was so angry and so hurt....and after a bit I realized my own contribution to the mess was that I kept silent, yet again, stuffed my feelings and emotions often with food....I hoped that though people would hear the ugly things she said, if I just went on about my business they would see me for who I am and know those things weren't true. During an episonde of great stress at work, I got up from my desk and my left shoulder was aching so i was rubbing it...and one of the girls worriedly asked if I could be having a heart attack.
WAKE UP CALL. Big, big BIG wakeup call. Cuz I wasn't having a heart attack, but I sure could have been.
I realized I have to do something, yet again. I thought about gyms and (very unrealistically) weight loss surgery and i cried and I wallowed in pain yesterday.
Then last night I went to B&N and purchased The Spark. I laid in the bathtub and read the success story pages....and heard the voice of scorn inside that I can't do that - I can't be those people who shed hundreds of pounds, because I'm lazy and lack discipline. I cried and read, cried and read. I went to bed and lay in the dark thinking.
Before i went to sleep, I turned to jodie and said - "this week, I'm going to do it. I'm going to put my all into it."
Today, I'm dancing in a local bellydance showcase at 240+ pounds. I want to dance in six months with energy and the joy that eludes me today. I want to be alive - joyously, actively, healthfully ALIVE.
Today is once again "Day 1". How many obese people have had so many "day 1's" they can't count them, and they lose the trust and hope that they CAN succeed? I'm pushing those feelings of fear and failure away, and working on being hopeful and excited about DOING IT.
today is Day 1.
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