NOREGRET2010   44,815
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warzone

Monday, February 07, 2011

My house, my life, feels like a warzone.

My partner and my kids are so at odds that I feel like I'm constantly "herding dynamite" - trying to keep them from connecting and exploding. Both sides have important points, and neither side is willing to concede.

My partner is unreasonable....and then angry that i don't "back her up".

My son has recently been diagnosed as bipolar and we are still working on medications and so he is not really capable of just letting go of stuff.

Both sides want me to defend them....but both sides have points where they are wrong and right - and I'm firmly in the middle.

I will not "back" my partner when she is unreasonable - which is unfortunately often. She has OCD and frankly, nothing can EVER be clean enough, ever. It's not reasonable for the rest of us to try to constantly meet unattainable standards, and so she complains unendingly and that sets the kids off, saying all she ever does is "b*5Xh".

Well, they're right! But I know and see the underlying reasons for it, so it's easier for me to deal with....but the last 2 months have even got on my nerves pretty bad.

So, health, fitness and wellness? Have been out the window. I spent the weekend mediating and crying and placating....and i'm so done it's not funny. i thought yestrday I would have a stroke...which simply puts me back at ....

I must care for myself or I WILL have a stroke or a heartattack and all these things will pale in comparison.

"Blended" family my arse. More like Battlezone family. Sigh

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EUPHRATES 2/7/2011 11:25PM

    I second (very very strongly) what MINIDRIVER63 said. Seriously.
And recommend checking out this article...
http://www.lynneforre
st.com/html/the_faces_of_victim
.html

Hang in there!
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MINIDRIVER63 2/7/2011 12:59PM

    I think at some point you need to refuse to be put in the middle and tell them to sort it out between them, with professional help if necessary. Tell them you love and support them all, but you won't be the rope in any emotional tug-of-war.

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The rule is: Pay yourself first. If you're not taking care of you, you can't take care of anyone else. And our fitness journey really is taking care of ourselves. Love yourself and all else will fall into place.

So today, love yourself enough to eat well, exercise, and drink plenty of water. It really will help with the stress.

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SUGARPUNK52 2/7/2011 12:13PM

  See if there are any groups in your area that might be able to help.Nami is one.Take some "ME" time too.You are dealing with so much right now you really need it.Good luck and GOD bless.

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PRYDEQUEEN 2/7/2011 11:39AM

    Mix blended with some bipolar and OCD! You are dealing with quite a bit. Check to see if there are NAMI groups in your area. It might be good for both of you to attend a few. This way your partner will have a better idea of bipolar and may gain some understanding. You will also find some support from other parents who are dealing with the same. Good luck! Stay strong! Take care of yourself - take some breaks and short walks if you can!

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Midterms

Thursday, February 03, 2011

This is midterm week, and it's kicking my butt to the curb. No time for exercise...only work school study work school study work school study.

Taking the supplements, working the food plan...still under 240. See the doc on the 21, and would like to have lost 5 more pounds by then....

If i can just make it through midterms....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMAGINE_IT 2/3/2011 8:54PM

    Glad to see that you are doing good..and having good results taking the supplements..and using the Hormone cream. Good Luck on your Mid terms! emoticon emoticon

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Day 4 - A Milestone

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I've been working my food plan, taking the supplements, the Rx Vit D, and using the hormone cream....and wearing my CPAP. I have a slight cold, but I feel pretty good anyway, so I think when the cold is gone I'll feel GREAT. I don't need a nap when I get home, I can stay up past 9 pm without falling asleep and my appetite has definitely decreased - I'm not ravenous all the time.

Yes, I did have a slight rebound from 240 as predicted, but it was very small (0.4 pounds) and today when I stepped on the scale....


238.5. Lowest weight in probably a year.

Very encouraging to keep on keepin' on!

The work tension/drama is still unfolding, but I've been able to distance myself from it and most importantly, not eat over it.

All in all, very happy with how I'm feeling and that the weight actually seems to be coming off...but still feeling a bit cautious over that because I've tried so hard and so long...if I can get past the losing 20 pounds mark and KEEP losing? That will be a huge confirmation that all the doc said was right on regarding my hormones, insulin resistance and Vit D deficiency.

so sign me, cautiously optimistic....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKIE1964 1/19/2011 8:28PM

    Girlfriend, keep going...You can make it happen...
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TERRYT55 1/19/2011 12:04PM

    YAY.....you are below 240! I knew you could do it! Happy you are feeling better too. Take care.

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TACONES 1/19/2011 9:58AM

    emoticon

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TONISTRELEC 1/19/2011 9:49AM

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Day 2 - I've been here before...

Monday, January 17, 2011

Today's weigh in showed me at 240.5. 240 has been my "glass floor"...I get there, and I bounce up in weight, looking at my weight chart since Dec 1, it has been within a 7 pound range, never getting below 240. I haven't been below 240 in maybe a year? Even then, it was fleeting, bounced right back up into the 240s again - regardless of how hard I was trying.

According to the doc - this is the effect of the hormone imbalance, vit D deficiency and not eating in sync with having insulin resistance.

Okay. So, I'm working my plan. This week I am very motivated to hit as many of my streaks/goals as possible and see if the hormone cream, vit D and handfulls of supplements prescribed combined with eating according to the low glycemic eating plan I was given make the difference.

I feel hopeful...

I danced a solo last night for the first time in months. I avoid solos. There's no one to look at but me...and all my weight. I worry that the hard work I've put into learning technique will not be what's seen - but the weight is what will draw people's attention. I decided however, that for mulitple reasons, I have to put myself out there more. Am I a bellydancer or just a bellydance teacher now? I am a bellydancer! The next showcase is in April...and I look forward to performing a solo....and wonder if the pics will show a difference?

Lastly, today is facing coworker who has been talking dirt behind my back. HR wants a formal meeting rather than me just addressing her, because it has affected the entire department. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to breathe and just remain true to myself.

Cross your fingers for me!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKIE1964 1/17/2011 7:40PM

    I'm stuck at a number on the scale for over 6 months which is frustrating. If I weren't here, though, the scale might have gone up. I know it will start moving again in the right direction and am learning to be patient which isn't my strength. I am confident that you WILL make it happen...
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TERRYT55 1/17/2011 3:38PM

    Congrats on dancing solo! I think it's a great idea to put yourself out there more and I really think people will see you, a lovely dancer, and not the weight.

I know you'll break through the glass floor and get below 240!

Good luck with HR and the co-worker. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. Breathing is a good way to handle it. Let me know how it goes.

Take care and have a great week, Terry

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Rededication to the Journey

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Yesterday, I felt so despondent over my health that I wrote to a Spark Buddy "I'm afraid I'm going to eat myself to death"

Signficantly, this was on the 2nd anniversary of my father's death from morbid obesity.

I struggled with those same emotions the obese person has gone through so many times, yet again. Feelings of failure, fear and hopelessness.

After my meeting with the doctor last month, I followed the plan she set for me for about a week. Then school started, work stress started mounting, and the plan sank into oblivion. A coworker "threw me under the bus"....and at first I was so angry and so hurt....and after a bit I realized my own contribution to the mess was that I kept silent, yet again, stuffed my feelings and emotions often with food....I hoped that though people would hear the ugly things she said, if I just went on about my business they would see me for who I am and know those things weren't true. During an episonde of great stress at work, I got up from my desk and my left shoulder was aching so i was rubbing it...and one of the girls worriedly asked if I could be having a heart attack.

WAKE UP CALL. Big, big BIG wakeup call. Cuz I wasn't having a heart attack, but I sure could have been.

I realized I have to do something, yet again. I thought about gyms and (very unrealistically) weight loss surgery and i cried and I wallowed in pain yesterday.

Then last night I went to B&N and purchased The Spark. I laid in the bathtub and read the success story pages....and heard the voice of scorn inside that I can't do that - I can't be those people who shed hundreds of pounds, because I'm lazy and lack discipline. I cried and read, cried and read. I went to bed and lay in the dark thinking.

Before i went to sleep, I turned to jodie and said - "this week, I'm going to do it. I'm going to put my all into it."

Today, I'm dancing in a local bellydance showcase at 240+ pounds. I want to dance in six months with energy and the joy that eludes me today. I want to be alive - joyously, actively, healthfully ALIVE.

Today is once again "Day 1". How many obese people have had so many "day 1's" they can't count them, and they lose the trust and hope that they CAN succeed? I'm pushing those feelings of fear and failure away, and working on being hopeful and excited about DOING IT.

today is Day 1.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEGALLYBLONDE81 1/17/2011 9:51PM

    You CAN do this. I weighted over 250 at one time and I did it. Start with baby steps. Set small goals so that you can't fail and let yourself be proud for achieving them. Set your sights on the long term (because it will take time). Remember your ultimate goal and know that all the little goals will build upon each other and get you there.

Losing weight is really about changing your habits. It's not about deprivation but replacing the old habits with new, better ones.

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SPARKIE1964 1/16/2011 4:25PM

    Proud of you for making the commitment to YOU and for beginning to read THE SPARK. It took you a life time to develop your current habits, so give yourself some time to build new healthier habits. You CAN and WILL do this, with one foot in front of the other. Remember to reward yourself when you have even small success. Use the set backs to learn and fine tune what you need to do in order to reach your goals. The Spark Spirits are right by your side....

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IMAGINE_IT 1/16/2011 4:09PM

    It took me way too many years (years where i gained and gained even more pounds!!) before i finally said "enough" and that was almost 2yrs ago. I got serious about losing weight but most of all i want to stay healthy..or be the healthiest i can be!! I got involved here on Spark..i may spent way too much time here but it works..because i like the little challenges my team throws out..and i am somewhat competitive..so it has been working for me...what am i saying??
It is different for everyone..some will 'jump right into it' and go strong from Day1..for others it may take longer..and then there are people who will start over and over again..or quit right away only to be never seen again.
You have to ask yourself just how badly you want to succeed at this..how badly you want to be healthier..how badly you want to enjoy life with your loved ones. I can tell that you are ready..if you can keep that "Spark' that is ignited right now..going you are well on your way.
Stay strong..and keep moving..and you will succeed at this weight loss..i promise you!! emoticon emoticon
Anytime you need an extra 'push' feel free to stop by my page! emoticon emoticon

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ILIKECACTI 1/16/2011 1:43PM

    You can do it! The thing that matters most is that you keep on trying. I too have had many day 1s... but that's ok.

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RAINCITYGAL 1/16/2011 12:42PM

  You can do anything. One step (or belly wiggle!) at a time. Dry your tears, make your plan and then live the plan. Set your goals, it is so much easier when you have something you are working for. AND, be kind to yourself. You are unique and special, you are the only you. Choose to be your best, no matter what your weight or health. Today is a gift, enjoy it!

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CARRIE310 1/16/2011 12:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

All of these icons describe the person you are. I hope one day to belly dance. It is such a good exercise. You will be fine. Do not give up. This journey is about you and being healthy. Hang in there.

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ELEANORABEMATHY 1/16/2011 9:15AM

    Yes you can do it!! You must believe in yourself and we will all be here to support you!! Beside i think you are awesome for being able to do belly dance!! You have no idea how jealous i am, i'd loooooooooooove to learn!!
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