NOREGRET2010   44,815
SparkPoints
40,000-49,999 SparkPoints
 
 
NOREGRET2010's Recent Blog Entries

The camera adds 100 pounds....

Sunday, May 01, 2011

As long as I can remember, people make the comment "oh the camera adds 10 pounds!" - first with still pictures then when video came out (yes, I am that old, LOL) as a panacea for not liking the way they looked when represented on fillm....

I did my performance piece yesterday. The goal was to just freakin' DO IT - I wasn't worried about technique or anything else, to just get out there and DO IT - and at least look comfortable doing it.

Goal met. I did it, I looked like I was having fun and I looked relaxed - versus that deer in the headlights look that can happen when nerves overcome...

That said, I'm proud I dragged my 240 pound butt up there and did it. However...

when we came back into the motel room and popped the DVD into the laptop, my eyes filled with tears. Not happy tears. Tears of recognition of just what I look like and that I did not dance to my skill level. Think "Russian ballerina dances the hokey pokey". I didn't look stupid - that's not the point. The point is my skill set is much higher than what I put out there yesterday - but my body is not able to physically do it in this shape. The arthritis is flaring, we spent 6 hours on concrete slab as flooring, and not enough sleep.

I looked like a dancer who was past her prime. Not bad, not bad at all...but "past it".

Before you hit comment and say "oh don't be so mean to yourself!" this is a reality check for me. This is not me bashing myself, it's me realizing ('out loud' in a relatively safe zone) that my dancing is being affected by my weight - period.

I am a better dancer than what I showed out there. Weight or no, I can improve that. The weight, I can also improve. With my son in a mental health crisis at 15, working full time to support our family I cannot and will not declare I'm going to lose those 100 pounds RIGHT NOW...but I can say this:

you know those events that happen that make you turn down that cookie, that make you lace up your shoes when you really don't wanna run, that re-motivate and inspire you to get off your butt?

Yesterday was such an event. I'm ready to turn it up!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEGENNAN 5/2/2011 12:53PM

    Congrats on performing this weekend, and showing them what you CAN do emoticon

Sounds like you found some new motivation and from now, you'll be working just that much harder to get the walking and other fitness minutes into your busy, busy schedule emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRY2KEEPGOING 5/1/2011 10:10AM

    I am proud of you for getting up there and doing it! Not everyone has the motivation or courage to dance in front of others. I am also proud of your determination to use what you have discovered to continue to motivate yourself. Good for you!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Robbing myself with obesity...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I had an epiphany.

Seems pretty clear and quite simple now that I've realized it...you know, like "well DUH!" But our thinking patterns aren't always that clear, are they, especially when tied to something emotional - like morbid obesity.

I've mentioned before I bellydance, have since the 80s. I teach to packed classes, have an award-winning dance troupe, and a few times a year I get hired to teach a workshop up and down the West coast. I was asking myself the other day, as I have several times before, "why am I not getting hired more?" Literally, women with less bellydance "credentials" than I get hired repeatedly...why not me? My workshops always get great feedback...I know I'm a good teacher...what's the problem?

Um, well, DUH Lisa....you are morbidly obese. Would you hire a morbidly obese dancer to come teach in your town? that's a trick question...because I have. One of the most talented teachers I ever knew was always heavy, and then when she became morbidly obese, she pretty much quit teaching/dancing and became a vendor of bellydance things to sell at events, so she was still in the community. I had her come teach because I KNEW she was amazing and I didn't care about her weight. At that workshop, several women said the same thing to me in a variety of ways "once she started dancing - i forgot all about her weight, becuase she was AMAZING!"

I think that's beautiful, really.

But the reality is...obese bellydancers very rarely get hired to teach anywhere, despite their level of accomplishment, ability, etc.

My obesity is robbing me of the career in bellydance i could be having. Yes, I am booked for two workshops this year, and I'm pleased and grateful for those bookings....but how many could I have if I lost even a part of the weight that I'm dragging around?

This week I've danced more, walked more, and generally been more active...which only served to highight to me again the need for more cardio in my life! I will perform a solo at an Oregon bellydance festival (Saqra's Showcase in Hillsboro Oregon) for the first time in....five years. I dance with my troupe there every year...but soloing? very intimidating to me at this weight because I have seen with my own eyes the way people's attention drifts the minute they see a larger woman come to the side of the stage to be called up next...suddenly, that's a good time to get a drink of water or go shop the vendors....because in our culture - obese women, heavy women, or women who don't fit societies norm are undervalued. Period.

But this year, I'm doing it. I'm doing it for myself, and I'm doing it for the other women out there who struggle with their weight. That last time I danced, five years ago, after I danced at least five, no joke - five, larger women found me after the performance and said "You made me realize I can do this, i can perform, I don't have to wait till I lose weight".

So while my obesity IS likely robbing me of bookings (and yes, years of life), it will not rob me of the nerve-wracking, scary-fabulousness of hitting that stage Saturday solo....for all the fat chicks!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNIT4U 4/28/2011 11:48AM

    Wow - this post made me tear up. How true your words are. You have reminded me that I really need to tune in to Spark People more.....the undervaluation I feel every day has been like the prison that has kept me morbidly obese. I need to let the love and support available here be the key that opens the lock on my prison doors. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PANBOOKS 4/28/2011 9:29AM

    You are inspiring! Not only are heavy women undervalued, most guys/ people either avoid looking at us or look at us in disgust. cI am new to SparkPeople and I have found the support, the articles, and the trackers to be exactly what I needed. I have learned so much. Please let us know about your performance on Saturday. I'll be there in spirit - I'll be your virtual cheerleader!

Report Inappropriate Comment


Slow and steady....

Monday, April 18, 2011

Yep, things are still chaotic for me. Working out son's meds...second opinions...is it bipolar? is it psychosis? None of the above? Slow process.

In the meantime, I'm gearing up for health - again. Guess you can't start over too many times!

This time, however, one small difference - I'm not over doing it right out of the gate. Taking a reasonable walk...doing some kind of exercise daily...but not those huge expectations I tend to make of myself that only lead to one place for me: Injury.

Baker's cyst in knee, arthritis flares, back going out....I'm avoiding all that so far (knock on wood) by going slow and steady. Nothing like ending up having to take it easy or worse yet, flat on my back, because I pushed it too hard too fast.

I'm walking pretty much daily, at least a 15 minute walk, sometimes two. On the weekend, maybe I take a lil longer walk.....So far so good. On top of my dance classes, I'm moving quite a bit.

Weigh in you ask? I haven't. Trying to focus on how I feel and just the doing of it, you know?

I have a goal of 230 by May 1....set when my life wasn't crazy. I don't have any clue where i am now, but I suspect not there. Does it matter? Really? No. What matters is that I'm doing something, I'm being reasonable and safe about it, and that it helps my mood, my stress level and hey, if some weight happens to fall off in there too...I won't complain. What do YOU do most days of the week for fitness?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WORKINGSTIFF 4/22/2011 11:28AM

    As I've always told my kids--"slow and steady wins the race."

It's like when you're in traffic and some nutbag zooms ahead of you and you both end up at the same red light. Zooming ahead didn't do one bit of good except to burn more gas and look like a fool in the process...

I hope you get the med situation figured out.

Take care!


Report Inappropriate Comment


Something is better than nothing

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Wow, almost a month since I've posted.

Feelin' anxious. One of the best ways I've found to deal with anxiety is gratitude. Some days on the way to work I just say out loud the whole trip what I'm grateful for...here's a bit of that

* My son has been accepted into a two-year wellness program for kids dealing with mental illness
* I have a secure job
* I have a loving partner
* I have great kids
* I have a car that runs with no payments
* I was able to pay my rent and have a place to live for another month
* I have good people in my life
* I have a little dog that makes me smile every single day
* While imperfect, I have better health than a lot of folks
* Simple pleasures like a cup of coffee, a walk in the sun on my break and seeing the trees finally beginning to bud with leaves....

Life is not perfect. Life is sometimes stinkin' hard. But life is good.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVESTODJ 4/7/2011 11:38PM

    Amen to that!
emoticon
Enjoy your weekend.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MINIDRIVER63 4/7/2011 4:19PM

    I'm so glad you checked in! I think that's a great approach to anxiety.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRYT55 4/7/2011 9:52AM

    This was the perfect blog to read first thing in the morning. It made me smile and think of all that I am grateful for. Life IS good!

Report Inappropriate Comment
HARROWJET 4/7/2011 9:36AM

    You have many things for which to be thankful. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the reminder to count our blessings.
emoticon

Judy emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


142 days...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Been a week. That's all I have to say about that. turned 47. Son had daily meltdowns. his therapist said his progrosis "isn't looking good". Thank you for that sir, you just made everything so much better. Not.

So, back to doing #1 on the list: Take care of me. If I don't care for me, i can't care for him - peroid. Worse, the stress could cause me injury or death in the form of a stroke/heart attack, and then my kid would be in big trouble - no mom to advocate for him!

So...this week I:
Signed up for a 5K walk/run for MS! I'm captaining a team, and started training!

Day 3 of C25K was supposed to be "walk a mile". I didn't make the whole mile, I made 7/10ths. I'm not discouraged. It's a beginning!

I jogged 10 min with the Wii free run, a personal best.

Dance wise, i did at least one 10 minute drill break a day (these are audio training tools to get your stamina up in bellydance. Freakin' hard).

This week:
Appointments for my son and more stress. To combat the stress:
1) Continue C25K program as well as walking the dog.
2) Do a warm up daily - and a suhaila warm up 3x this week. A suhaila warm up is 45 minutes of stretching and ab work. Pretty killer if you aren't used to it, and sad to say, I'm not used to it any more!
3) Nutrition - getting those fruits and veggies in.

I feel a lot of tension in my body, and know full well one of the things that happens when I stress is I will end up pulling my back out. those muscles you can't control get all tight and then I move "wrong" and bingo, down for a week. I can feel I'm that tight...and I must change it...and the best way I can think of is exercise for stress relief.

Here's to a week of taking good care of me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINIDRIVER63 3/14/2011 9:45AM

    YAY! You've got a terrific plan. It's both ambitious and achieveable. YAY!



Report Inappropriate Comment
JULIEIRENE 3/12/2011 3:56PM

    HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

And, so glad to read that you are remembering to care for yourself so that you can be there for your son. You're a good mama!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MACMOM57 3/12/2011 9:17AM

    Hope you have a restful weekend.

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 Last Page