Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday doesn't have a whole lot going for it in my book...but here we are, just the same.
Tracked all my food - 1974 cal, that's 400+ over...but ya know, right now it's A) about writing it down, the good and the bad and B) I'm dead broke and living on the cheapest food there is - Carbs (bread, potatoes and rice) until Thursday. So it is what it is. the deal is...I haven't tracked every bite in a Very. Long. Time.
Workout: 10 minute walk, 90 minute kick butt dance class. I'm sore today, and that says it all!
Spark time: Again, working on getting points which keeps me active on the site and my goals in front of me, reached out to others, read some of The Spark again.
EIGHT CUPS OF WATER - like the tracking, hasn't happened in a looong time.
Refusing to get on the scale, because i don't need to get all whacked out by the numbers. "The numbers do not define me...." needs to be my goal, because I let those numbers on the scale, on the food tracker...too often dictate my feelings and subsequently my ACTIONS. I'll stick to one weigh in a week in order to not sabotage myself.
Therapist asked me this week - because I was wanting to talk about my health - "How is your weight serving you? What makes it worth hurting your health, limiting your life..etc?"
Being fat makes me feel invisible. I feel like people don't expect as much out of me...and that is a relief as I expect so many unreasonable things of myself, I suppose I couldn't stand it if others had expectations on top of mine! If I lost the weight...I would become visible and then people might have more expectations of me.
Just one of the things that goes on in my head about being obese. Is it reality? Of course not. Many people have expectations of me right now and I meet their expectations as best i can and mostly do a fine job of it. So that is really an "escape" thinking. But, one I've struggled with for about 30 years - even before I was fat - being "invisible".
1) CONTINUE to track the food
2) 10 minute exercise - walk on my break? dance continuously? dunno. something!
3) WATER again. It. Was. Freakin'. Hard to get 8 cups in. this aspect is going to take some will!
4) Tonight is my "me" night - partner has class in another town for 3 hours. It's my time to recharge my introvert batteries ... much needed with the stress I'm feelin'.
5) spark time. Keep active on the site - keeps my goals in sight. Not on spark people? goals go out the window....
how do YOU keep your goals in front of you??
Monday, May 16, 2011
Mondays are a fresh new start to me. yeah, sometimes I complain like everyone else....but I actually value them for that fresh start feeling!
Yesterday I spent a lot of time soul searching about my health/weight...sometimes agitated, sometimes just thinking. I broke out my copy of The Spark again, and reread parts I needed to read...looked at the success story pics....and promptly laced up my shoes and took the dog for a spin around the park, followed by a quick trip to the store to make sure I had lunch/snack foods that fit into my healthy eating plan.
This weeks goals:
1. Eat a healthy breakfast
2. 8 cups of water
3. 10 min exercise daily
4. Time to spark - journal, look at other people's sparkpages, read articles, etc
5. Focus, focus, focus....My son's ADHD doesn't come from nowhere, LOL! I'm distractable in the extreme...
Lastly, and most importantly:
6. TRACK MY FOOD....
Again, I will forgo the urge to jump in over my head and overdo the exercise and hurt myself. that is such a recurring pattern to me, i MUST take measures not to go there. So, the 10 min thing is a good plan. On top of that, I have two 90 min dance classes I'll be taking that include a butt-kicking "warmup" with crunches, plank, push ups followed by 45 minutes of dancing...so I should do well enough for this week with cardio/strength.
The biggest thing is the food...tracking it, looking at it, being honest with myself about exactly how many calories I'm taking in.
How is it that I absolutely deplore dishonesty - in fact the quickest way to piss me off is to lie to me - but I lie to myself every stinking day about what I'm eating?
Wow, that was an epiphany right there folks...that will bear more thinking.
Okay...off to my fresh start Monday!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Lots of introspection this last week. Feelings of frustration - I've been going slowly back into walking/working out. Slowly - because every time I jump in too fast and try to do too much, I hurt myself. Shin splints, tendonitis, knee cyst flares up...and I end up benched for a good week. So...I've been slow but consistent...and gained 2 pounds for my efforts.
That says one thing to me, my food is out of whack. Sooo I started tracking.
hello reality. yep, eating wayyyy too much. I have avoided food tracking, because I didn't want to face what I was eating, plain and simple.
Well, I'm back to it and hope that by facing what I'm eating I can begin to stop the rollercoaster and get off the ride.
Life's stresses are raging right now...my bipolar/?schizophrenic 15 yo has been weaned off all meds to get him to ground zero and a fresh start. that means home life is pretty intense. rest of family isn't dealing with it real well either so .....yeah. Life is a party.
Finances are in the gutter - kids dad is 36K in the hole for child support and has stopped paying AGAIN...and that money makes the difference between making it and not making it.
So, all this has been weighing on me (pun intended) as I had to face what i was eating and gaining weight....and again, the fear I would have a heart attack or stroke from the pressure/unhealthy body I'm in...and I had an epiphany.
If I died today, my three daughters would be of course devastated...but they would be able to pick up and move on with their lives.
My son would not. My son is not stable, and he does not have another parent to care for him because going to live with his alcoholic dad is not an option. I MUST be there for my son, and for a long time to come.
they say, never try to lose weight for someone else, and i agree. I agree that if your spouse tells you to lose weight, or you try to lose weight for a boyfriend or whatever, the motivation is not there.
This, however, is my child. My child who really, really needs his mom. I MUST GET CONTROL OF MY HEALTH FOR MY SON.
I haven't been able to do this when I focus on myself...but I have to do this for my child. Period.
Lots of emotions rolling here...pain, fear, worry, a smidge of hope.
Lacing up the shoes to go for a walk....
Sunday, May 01, 2011
As long as I can remember, people make the comment "oh the camera adds 10 pounds!" - first with still pictures then when video came out (yes, I am that old, LOL) as a panacea for not liking the way they looked when represented on fillm....
I did my performance piece yesterday. The goal was to just freakin' DO IT - I wasn't worried about technique or anything else, to just get out there and DO IT - and at least look comfortable doing it.
Goal met. I did it, I looked like I was having fun and I looked relaxed - versus that deer in the headlights look that can happen when nerves overcome...
That said, I'm proud I dragged my 240 pound butt up there and did it. However...
when we came back into the motel room and popped the DVD into the laptop, my eyes filled with tears. Not happy tears. Tears of recognition of just what I look like and that I did not dance to my skill level. Think "Russian ballerina dances the hokey pokey". I didn't look stupid - that's not the point. The point is my skill set is much higher than what I put out there yesterday - but my body is not able to physically do it in this shape. The arthritis is flaring, we spent 6 hours on concrete slab as flooring, and not enough sleep.
I looked like a dancer who was past her prime. Not bad, not bad at all...but "past it".
Before you hit comment and say "oh don't be so mean to yourself!" this is a reality check for me. This is not me bashing myself, it's me realizing ('out loud' in a relatively safe zone) that my dancing is being affected by my weight - period.
I am a better dancer than what I showed out there. Weight or no, I can improve that. The weight, I can also improve. With my son in a mental health crisis at 15, working full time to support our family I cannot and will not declare I'm going to lose those 100 pounds RIGHT NOW...but I can say this:
you know those events that happen that make you turn down that cookie, that make you lace up your shoes when you really don't wanna run, that re-motivate and inspire you to get off your butt?
Yesterday was such an event. I'm ready to turn it up!
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