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thursday check in

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Yesterday I had a break through.... a change in thinking that I think will incredible for my journey of gaining health.

It was a day. Short staffed at work, one of the docs dropped a huge project on me and expected it would get done in a snap, LOL, I had a massage which was actually painful because I was SO. FREAKIN. TIGHT....and when I walked out of the massage...found I'd left my lights on (it'd been raining) and my car was dead on a very busy downtown street...

That kinda day.

The breakthrough came when I was finally on my way home I thought to myself: "I've had a crappy day....I could just swing into DQ for some ice cream to make myself feel, that's not a good idea. I need to lace up the shoes and walk the dog. Even if it's only 10 minutes...I really need the stress relief".

Boom! it hit me....this is the first time in my life I chose exercise to reduce my stress WILLINGLY. yep, i'd done it before...but it was grudging. Oh man, WAS it! I was pissy and felt sorry for myself when it happened.

Until last night, I have exercised SOLELY because I "should" or "I have to exercise because I'm trying to lose weight". Exercise has not been "fun" to's been another chore in a long line of chores. I started realizing when I started the bellydance 'bootcamp' class again (the kick but 45 minute "warmup" of planks, push ups, crunches followed by 45 min of hard dancing class) that it was reducing my stress....but i didn't choose to do it for that.

To willingly choose exercise is a huge breakthrough for me. HUGE. I know, the shift there is small...but it's an internal shift i didn't think would ever happen for me...especially when there's a DQ on the way home, LOL!

Today's a new day....and I'm ready to see the end of this week. Happy thursday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEGENNAN 5/19/2011 11:01AM

    That is amazing! I am used to eating to make myself feel better, too, so I know how freakin' hard it is to break that habit. It only temporarily gives you a good feeling and then you feel bad about it later AND it's bad for your health. But it's so hard to resist. That is SO AMAZING that you chose to walk the dog instead. What a rough day! I bet your dog was super happy that you made that choice, too emoticon

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Wednesday....holding steady

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Yesterday was a day.

Work stress, after work my son was agitated, and I ended up with a killer headache that is lingering this a.m.

What went right:
while I ate over calories again, it wasn't by much - less than 200. I noticed I felt afraid to enter every item, sure it would be HUGE...can you say "skewed thinking"?

I worked all my hours and was productive at work - even tho I'm feeling blue and overwhelmed.

I didn't kill anyone. Yep, that's a success for yesterday. It really was that kind of day.

The water, the exercise, all below goal.

I had problems choreographing something for a confidence was low and I felt I couldn't produce anything.

But that's okay, cuz i have today, right?

I feel like I'm losing....but I also know all to well that half the time when I feel like I've lost, I haven't....and when i feel like I've gained - well usually I have LOL but sometimes I haven't. Still not getting on the scale today because I will not be ruled by the numbers? right? right!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEGENNAN 5/18/2011 12:59PM

    No need to get on the scale at all! Just try to keep making healthy choices, chug that water, and squeeze in some cardio emoticon

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HAPPY_HANK 5/18/2011 10:04AM

    You can do it!!

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AJB121299 5/18/2011 8:50AM

    good luck today

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Tuesdays...not so much

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Tuesday doesn't have a whole lot going for it in my book...but here we are, just the same.

Tracked all my food - 1974 cal, that's 400+ over...but ya know, right now it's A) about writing it down, the good and the bad and B) I'm dead broke and living on the cheapest food there is - Carbs (bread, potatoes and rice) until Thursday. So it is what it is. the deal is...I haven't tracked every bite in a Very. Long. Time.

Workout: 10 minute walk, 90 minute kick butt dance class. I'm sore today, and that says it all!

Spark time: Again, working on getting points which keeps me active on the site and my goals in front of me, reached out to others, read some of The Spark again.

EIGHT CUPS OF WATER - like the tracking, hasn't happened in a looong time.

Refusing to get on the scale, because i don't need to get all whacked out by the numbers. "The numbers do not define me...." needs to be my goal, because I let those numbers on the scale, on the food tracker...too often dictate my feelings and subsequently my ACTIONS. I'll stick to one weigh in a week in order to not sabotage myself.

Therapist asked me this week - because I was wanting to talk about my health - "How is your weight serving you? What makes it worth hurting your health, limiting your life..etc?"

Being fat makes me feel invisible. I feel like people don't expect as much out of me...and that is a relief as I expect so many unreasonable things of myself, I suppose I couldn't stand it if others had expectations on top of mine! If I lost the weight...I would become visible and then people might have more expectations of me.

Just one of the things that goes on in my head about being obese. Is it reality? Of course not. Many people have expectations of me right now and I meet their expectations as best i can and mostly do a fine job of it. So that is really an "escape" thinking. But, one I've struggled with for about 30 years - even before I was fat - being "invisible".

1) CONTINUE to track the food
2) 10 minute exercise - walk on my break? dance continuously? dunno. something!
3) WATER again. It. Was. Freakin'. Hard to get 8 cups in. this aspect is going to take some will!
4) Tonight is my "me" night - partner has class in another town for 3 hours. It's my time to recharge my introvert batteries ... much needed with the stress I'm feelin'.
5) spark time. Keep active on the site - keeps my goals in sight. Not on spark people? goals go out the window....

how do YOU keep your goals in front of you??

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    How do I keep my goals in front of me? Right now my goal has been to not gain too much weight while pregnant. Between getting on SparkPeople and making sure to get on my Wii Fit every day, at least long enough to weigh in and do it's little exercises, I keep pretty accountable. I haven't been tracking my calories, but eating generally healthy with an unhealthy thing here and there, usually because of cravings. If I don't give in to the pregnancy cravings fairly quickly, they drive me nuts and stress me out, so the sooner I do, the better I feel.

That silly Wii Fit still has me at "Obese" which is depressing....but it doesn't know that I'm pregnant. It just sees that I weigh alot more than I should. =( But at least I'm staying active on it, and on here, which are by far the biggest helps. And blogging. Blogging has definitely helped. Encouragement from my fellow Sparkers to push myself each day.

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I love Mondays! No, really!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mondays are a fresh new start to me. yeah, sometimes I complain like everyone else....but I actually value them for that fresh start feeling!

Yesterday I spent a lot of time soul searching about my health/weight...sometimes agitated, sometimes just thinking. I broke out my copy of The Spark again, and reread parts I needed to read...looked at the success story pics....and promptly laced up my shoes and took the dog for a spin around the park, followed by a quick trip to the store to make sure I had lunch/snack foods that fit into my healthy eating plan.

This weeks goals:
1. Eat a healthy breakfast
2. 8 cups of water
3. 10 min exercise daily
4. Time to spark - journal, look at other people's sparkpages, read articles, etc
5. Focus, focus, focus....My son's ADHD doesn't come from nowhere, LOL! I'm distractable in the extreme...
Lastly, and most importantly:

Again, I will forgo the urge to jump in over my head and overdo the exercise and hurt myself. that is such a recurring pattern to me, i MUST take measures not to go there. So, the 10 min thing is a good plan. On top of that, I have two 90 min dance classes I'll be taking that include a butt-kicking "warmup" with crunches, plank, push ups followed by 45 minutes of I should do well enough for this week with cardio/strength.

The biggest thing is the food...tracking it, looking at it, being honest with myself about exactly how many calories I'm taking in.

How is it that I absolutely deplore dishonesty - in fact the quickest way to piss me off is to lie to me - but I lie to myself every stinking day about what I'm eating?

Wow, that was an epiphany right there folks...that will bear more thinking. to my fresh start Monday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPY_HANK 5/16/2011 2:47PM


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DEGENNAN 5/16/2011 10:41AM

    I thought I was the only one on the planet who felt a sense of relief when Mondays came around. Don't get me wrong - I live for my weekends, I love my weekends, and no weekend ever lasted long enough for me. But there is something so great about getting back to that daily weekday routine, eh? I find it much easier to eat healthy and stick to my exercise routines, etc on the weekdays. And just like you said, it's a fresh start to a whole new week of success.

What are you planning for today's 10 minutes of exercise?

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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Lots of introspection this last week. Feelings of frustration - I've been going slowly back into walking/working out. Slowly - because every time I jump in too fast and try to do too much, I hurt myself. Shin splints, tendonitis, knee cyst flares up...and I end up benched for a good week. So...I've been slow but consistent...and gained 2 pounds for my efforts.

That says one thing to me, my food is out of whack. Sooo I started tracking.

hello reality. yep, eating wayyyy too much. I have avoided food tracking, because I didn't want to face what I was eating, plain and simple.

Well, I'm back to it and hope that by facing what I'm eating I can begin to stop the rollercoaster and get off the ride.

Life's stresses are raging right bipolar/?schizophrenic 15 yo has been weaned off all meds to get him to ground zero and a fresh start. that means home life is pretty intense. rest of family isn't dealing with it real well either so .....yeah. Life is a party.

Finances are in the gutter - kids dad is 36K in the hole for child support and has stopped paying AGAIN...and that money makes the difference between making it and not making it.

So, all this has been weighing on me (pun intended) as I had to face what i was eating and gaining weight....and again, the fear I would have a heart attack or stroke from the pressure/unhealthy body I'm in...and I had an epiphany.

If I died today, my three daughters would be of course devastated...but they would be able to pick up and move on with their lives.

My son would not. My son is not stable, and he does not have another parent to care for him because going to live with his alcoholic dad is not an option. I MUST be there for my son, and for a long time to come.

they say, never try to lose weight for someone else, and i agree. I agree that if your spouse tells you to lose weight, or you try to lose weight for a boyfriend or whatever, the motivation is not there.

This, however, is my child. My child who really, really needs his mom. I MUST GET CONTROL OF MY HEALTH FOR MY SON.

I haven't been able to do this when I focus on myself...but I have to do this for my child. Period.

Lots of emotions rolling here...pain, fear, worry, a smidge of hope.

Lacing up the shoes to go for a walk....


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