Saturday, May 21, 2011
As I gained weight...I stopped looking at my body. I avoided mirrors and pretty much looked at myself from the chest up. After losing 15-20 pounds I realized my full, round, apple-shaped belly had "fallen".
Since beginning more exercise - pretty insanely slowly I might add - I haven't noticed much decrease in weight...but the belly is "evolving". Lower belly soft, flabby...now hangs down and touches the top of my thighs.
Dead sexy let me tell you, LOL.
The whole belly button thing sliding down that I mentioned yesterday...it makes sense, but it disturbs me just the same, lol...My upper arms are looser...and flap more.
These things are not what we imagine for ourselves when we begin to change our bodies. We imagine ourselves shrinking....and not leaving flaps of loose skin and flab waving in the wind!
But you know what, I'll take them. I'll take them as badges of honor....that I'm DOING this. That I'm making changes....
This week i walked three miles, did two 90 minute dance classes, and burned 650 calories. That's the best i've done in months. I also gave myself some incentive and signed up for "Heaven Can Wait" - a charity cancer walk in my city. And all this walking the last few weeks had an amazing benefit:
My partner, who has not walked anywhere willingly by herself in the 6 years she's been here....took a mile walk this week. Her own idea, she just did it.
I inspired someone I love to get up and do something. That really rocks.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Yesterday I had a break through.... a change in thinking that I think will incredible for my journey of gaining health.
It was a day. Short staffed at work, one of the docs dropped a huge project on me and expected it would get done in a snap, LOL, I had a massage which was actually painful because I was SO. FREAKIN. TIGHT....and when I walked out of the massage...found I'd left my lights on (it'd been raining) and my car was dead on a very busy downtown street...
That kinda day.
The breakthrough came when I was finally on my way home I thought to myself: "I've had a crappy day....I could just swing into DQ for some ice cream to make myself feel better.....eh, that's not a good idea. I need to lace up the shoes and walk the dog. Even if it's only 10 minutes...I really need the stress relief".
Boom! it hit me....this is the first time in my life I chose exercise to reduce my stress WILLINGLY. yep, i'd done it before...but it was grudging. Oh man, WAS it! I was pissy and felt sorry for myself when it happened.
Until last night, I have exercised SOLELY because I "should" or "I have to exercise because I'm trying to lose weight". Exercise has not been "fun" to me...it's been another chore in a long line of chores. I started realizing when I started the bellydance 'bootcamp' class again (the kick but 45 minute "warmup" of planks, push ups, crunches followed by 45 min of hard dancing class) that it was reducing my stress....but i didn't choose to do it for that.
To willingly choose exercise is a huge breakthrough for me. HUGE. I know, the shift there is small...but it's an internal shift i didn't think would ever happen for me...especially when there's a DQ on the way home, LOL!
Today's a new day....and I'm ready to see the end of this week. Happy thursday!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Yesterday was a day.
Work stress, after work my son was agitated, and I ended up with a killer headache that is lingering this a.m.
What went right:
while I ate over calories again, it wasn't by much - less than 200. I noticed I felt afraid to enter every item, sure it would be HUGE...can you say "skewed thinking"?
I worked all my hours and was productive at work - even tho I'm feeling blue and overwhelmed.
I didn't kill anyone. Yep, that's a success for yesterday. It really was that kind of day.
The water, the exercise, all below goal.
I had problems choreographing something for a student...my confidence was low and I felt I couldn't produce anything.
But that's okay, cuz i have today, right?
I feel like I'm losing....but I also know all to well that half the time when I feel like I've lost, I haven't....and when i feel like I've gained - well usually I have LOL but sometimes I haven't. Still not getting on the scale today because I will not be ruled by the numbers? right? right!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday doesn't have a whole lot going for it in my book...but here we are, just the same.
Tracked all my food - 1974 cal, that's 400+ over...but ya know, right now it's A) about writing it down, the good and the bad and B) I'm dead broke and living on the cheapest food there is - Carbs (bread, potatoes and rice) until Thursday. So it is what it is. the deal is...I haven't tracked every bite in a Very. Long. Time.
Workout: 10 minute walk, 90 minute kick butt dance class. I'm sore today, and that says it all!
Spark time: Again, working on getting points which keeps me active on the site and my goals in front of me, reached out to others, read some of The Spark again.
EIGHT CUPS OF WATER - like the tracking, hasn't happened in a looong time.
Refusing to get on the scale, because i don't need to get all whacked out by the numbers. "The numbers do not define me...." needs to be my goal, because I let those numbers on the scale, on the food tracker...too often dictate my feelings and subsequently my ACTIONS. I'll stick to one weigh in a week in order to not sabotage myself.
Therapist asked me this week - because I was wanting to talk about my health - "How is your weight serving you? What makes it worth hurting your health, limiting your life..etc?"
Being fat makes me feel invisible. I feel like people don't expect as much out of me...and that is a relief as I expect so many unreasonable things of myself, I suppose I couldn't stand it if others had expectations on top of mine! If I lost the weight...I would become visible and then people might have more expectations of me.
Just one of the things that goes on in my head about being obese. Is it reality? Of course not. Many people have expectations of me right now and I meet their expectations as best i can and mostly do a fine job of it. So that is really an "escape" thinking. But, one I've struggled with for about 30 years - even before I was fat - being "invisible".
1) CONTINUE to track the food
2) 10 minute exercise - walk on my break? dance continuously? dunno. something!
3) WATER again. It. Was. Freakin'. Hard to get 8 cups in. this aspect is going to take some will!
4) Tonight is my "me" night - partner has class in another town for 3 hours. It's my time to recharge my introvert batteries ... much needed with the stress I'm feelin'.
5) spark time. Keep active on the site - keeps my goals in sight. Not on spark people? goals go out the window....
how do YOU keep your goals in front of you??
Get An Email Alert Each Time NOREGRET2010 Posts