Monday, May 30, 2011
I like to be busy. When I'm not doing something....I get uncomfortable...jittery....nervous. Old tapes begin to play from childhood...I get depressed.
So, I routinely overschedule myself to avoid thinking. Not great, really, and tho I know it....I continue to do it. I work 40 hours, have dance practice for 2 hours x2 a week, have private students 2-3 nights a week, and teach a dance class on sundays. Typically, I have tuesday and saturday nights "off" and that's it. All of the dance class stuff takes prep time on top of it...so along with the mundane stuff of laundry and grocery shopping...I keep myself busy.
i took today completely off. Cancelled my dance practice and no work. Yep, i did some dance prep stuff...but I'm working on "just being today".
Yep. I can feel the uncomfortable thoughts hovering already. Thoughts of loss...failure...not good enough. For years, I soothed those thoughts with food. Hence, I weigh 240ish pounds on a 5 foot frame.
Now, I try to soothe those thoughts with excerise, therapy, and journaling. You would think when a 250 pound woman starts the exercise, the weight would fall off. Not so, for many reasons. Too much estrogen (way too much)...sometimes eating too much...arthritis....depression....
The numbers on the scale go up and down up and down...(sung to the tune of the wheels on the bus...)
It is so easy to give up. To eat the cake. To comfort my hurting heart with food. To skip the walk. To "rest" - when I've been"resting" for years.
Nonethless, I'm proud of myself. last week I worked out 180 minutes and burned 1390 calories. Compared to doing "nothing" that's a lot. Nor did I start off too fast/hard and injure myself, which is a repeating theme for me.
Goals for this week:
190 minutes exercise
exercise 10 minutes a day or more for 6 days
DRINK THE FREAKIN' WATER!
5 fruits veggies a day
Reasonable goals. goals that will help me feel better and live longer, regardless of what the scale says at the end of the week.