NOREGRET2010   48,811
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A Rude Awakening

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I pulled the scales out of my closet this a.m.

I checked to make sure they were still balanced...it had been months (a year? more?) since I used them...I've just been using the Wii board. Minor adjustment...and they were set at zero.

I stepped on.....

Holy freakin' cow.

A lil different? um, try TEN POUNDS different...in the wrong direction. that means I am 252 pounds, not 242 pounds as I had imagined myself to be.

My heart sank like a lead weight. A wave of hopelessness crashed over me.

Talk about a motivator for a new month....crap. crap crap crapitty crap crap.

those goals I posted yesterday? I feel like I have to jump up and make everything twice as hard to make up for being heavier than I thought. That's not realistic - and I know it. but the FEELING is intense.

But...you can't really know where you are or see where you're going till you know the Truth.

This a.m. the Truth sucked.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRY2KEEPGOING 6/5/2011 12:12PM

    Ouch! But...bravo for staring the truth in the face!!!! You can do it!

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MILLIE5522 6/3/2011 9:00AM

    I know exactly how you feel emoticon I had a faulty bathroom scales that told me I was 146 lbs which I was fairly pleased with until my daughter told me that she weighed 146 lbs and suspecting something amiss I weighed the dog & yes he weighed 146lbs too!!
Needless to say I bought some new scales and had to face the awful truth that I weighed 161 lbs emoticon emoticon emoticon
Luckily my daughter told me about SP and I have since lost 17 lbs and am half way to my goal. emoticon emoticon

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TERRYT55 6/1/2011 11:28AM

    Yikes.....talk about feeling like you've been slapped in the face. Not having a victory on the scale can send you into a tailspin but I know you can rise above this.

You exercise now and are stronger than you were when you started this journey no matter what the scale says. You will keep moving forward by sticking to the goals you've set for yourself. Don't let the scale dictate how you feel about yourself......sometimes that is easier said than done. Take a walk or an exercise class and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself!

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June Goals

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

grrr. I stepped on the Wii this a.m.....and apparently it's having a senior moment. For one, it said I hadn't weighed in recently, which is incorrect. It then said that my weight was the same as "last" time (whenver it thinks that was) and that was incorrect as well. We've had it two years....and I've noticed it did this before - but I thought i was the one having a senior moment, LOL. I know the Wii "scale" isn't particularly accurate - at least mine on the carpet isn't. Perhaps that means it's time to drag out The Real Scales. I banished them to the closet a long time ago.....I'll think on that.

Goals for June:
Up my cardio from May by 10% - that's around 770 minutes
Walk a minimum of 10 minutes a day - Several days a week I do more than this, but this needs to be the baseline and it needs to happen 6-7 days a week.
WATER. This is my poorest "goal" - I'm embarrassed to say I've not made it but one out of many, many days.
Five freggies...this has gone by the wayside as well as funds got tight and i've been living on cheap carbs.
I walked about 20 miles this month - up that by 1 mile more a week.

These are reasonable goals - reasonable being the key word.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERRYT55 6/1/2011 11:19AM

    Great goal.......as Shar140 said, they are attainable. As for the Wii, did you try changing the batteries in the balance board. Sometimes when the batteries in mine are getting low my Wii has many senior moments!

Have a terrific June......

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SHAR140 5/31/2011 9:27PM

    Awesome goals - good job making them measurable, attainable, and increasing them!!

emoticon

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KATCHAGIRL 5/31/2011 5:48PM

    Sound like GREAT goals and CONGRATS on May's accomplishments! Just keep workin' on that water intake... Try to think of it as your favorite beverage and just drink! ;-)

Like the sayin' goes: "JUST DO IT!" :-) I have found that it REALLY can be THAT simple, amazingly!

Thanks for "Liking" my recent status'... makes me feel like there's actually someone out there! LOL

Have a WONDERFUL rest of the week!

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A real day off...

Monday, May 30, 2011

I like to be busy. When I'm not doing something....I get uncomfortable...jittery....nervous. Old tapes begin to play from childhood...I get depressed.

So, I routinely overschedule myself to avoid thinking. Not great, really, and tho I know it....I continue to do it. I work 40 hours, have dance practice for 2 hours x2 a week, have private students 2-3 nights a week, and teach a dance class on sundays. Typically, I have tuesday and saturday nights "off" and that's it. All of the dance class stuff takes prep time on top of it...so along with the mundane stuff of laundry and grocery shopping...I keep myself busy.

i took today completely off. Cancelled my dance practice and no work. Yep, i did some dance prep stuff...but I'm working on "just being today".

Yep. I can feel the uncomfortable thoughts hovering already. Thoughts of loss...failure...not good enough. For years, I soothed those thoughts with food. Hence, I weigh 240ish pounds on a 5 foot frame.

Now, I try to soothe those thoughts with excerise, therapy, and journaling. You would think when a 250 pound woman starts the exercise, the weight would fall off. Not so, for many reasons. Too much estrogen (way too much)...sometimes eating too much...arthritis....depression....

The numbers on the scale go up and down up and down...(sung to the tune of the wheels on the bus...)

It is so easy to give up. To eat the cake. To comfort my hurting heart with food. To skip the walk. To "rest" - when I've been"resting" for years.

Nonethless, I'm proud of myself. last week I worked out 180 minutes and burned 1390 calories. Compared to doing "nothing" that's a lot. Nor did I start off too fast/hard and injure myself, which is a repeating theme for me.

Goals for this week:
190 minutes exercise
exercise 10 minutes a day or more for 6 days
DRINK THE FREAKIN' WATER!
5 fruits veggies a day

Reasonable goals. goals that will help me feel better and live longer, regardless of what the scale says at the end of the week.

  


Saturday check in

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Three day weekend beginith! Of course, the skies are overcast and we're supposed to have crappy weather...where is the Central Oregon sunshine I love? We usually have 300+ days of sunshine, even in winter the sun shines....but not this year.....

I bit the bullet and approached a friend for help financially, and she can help. This takes a huge load off of me - HUGE. I'm too prideful to ask for help usually...I'd rather bite the bullet and eat peanut butter sandwiches every meal than ask...but it was bad enough I needed to do something - pride or no pride. No family left to ask...my dad and aunt are gone and my mom's family disowned me when I came out. That means - my friends ARE my family.

Whew. Can't express how relieved I am. Really. It will get me through till my partner gets her financial aid check in July and then i can repay her and be back on solid ground again.

Sorta sucks to be 47 years old and live paycheck to paycheck. But, i remind myself it could be a lot worse. i could live in Joplin and have lost everything - including my life or the lives of people I love. In comparison, money is nothing!

Going to lace up the shoes...walking half the 5K I'm doing next week...I need to see how I do on half. I've been walking daily, but I'm not confident I'm fully ready for a 5k without injury. We'll find out today - if I can do half today I am confident i can get through it all next weekend.

have a fabulous weekend spark friends!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHAR140 5/28/2011 2:50PM

    emoticon emoticon

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1HELPLESSMOM 5/28/2011 10:33AM

    I'm glad things are working out for you. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I know that I am. I hate having to ask for help. I have had really bad experiences whenever I have done so, especially from family. So I totally relate.

Good luck to you on the 5k. I am sure you will do well. Enjoy your weekend. emoticon

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Three day weekend...

Friday, May 27, 2011

*I'm planning to walk half of the route for the Heaven Can Wait Breast Cancer walk that will happen in a week....
*Do some major dance choreography...for classes, students, troupe, and me
*Catch up on some laundry - it's taking over the world....
*BBQ some burgers maybe?
*Relax - or try to.

Last night was an important step in dealing with my son's mental health issues. For the first time, the therapist used the word "psychosis" in conjunction with Mike. Until now, the last 2 months of being in this special program, they would only say "well....something's going on. We don't want to label him too soon....". And bringing a med on board again was confirmed and a date set.

This is HUGE. We've been living through hell - and so has he - for months. To have a confirmed diagnosis of some kind of psychotic disorder (bipolar, who knows?) and get him back on a med is huge. Like...the light just went on at the end of a very dark tunnel that you began to think had no end.

Going into the weekend hopeful!

  


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