Monday, May 30, 2011
I like to be busy. When I'm not doing something....I get uncomfortable...jittery....nervous. Old tapes begin to play from childhood...I get depressed.
So, I routinely overschedule myself to avoid thinking. Not great, really, and tho I know it....I continue to do it. I work 40 hours, have dance practice for 2 hours x2 a week, have private students 2-3 nights a week, and teach a dance class on sundays. Typically, I have tuesday and saturday nights "off" and that's it. All of the dance class stuff takes prep time on top of it...so along with the mundane stuff of laundry and grocery shopping...I keep myself busy.
i took today completely off. Cancelled my dance practice and no work. Yep, i did some dance prep stuff...but I'm working on "just being today".
Yep. I can feel the uncomfortable thoughts hovering already. Thoughts of loss...failure...not good enough. For years, I soothed those thoughts with food. Hence, I weigh 240ish pounds on a 5 foot frame.
Now, I try to soothe those thoughts with excerise, therapy, and journaling. You would think when a 250 pound woman starts the exercise, the weight would fall off. Not so, for many reasons. Too much estrogen (way too much)...sometimes eating too much...arthritis....depression....
The numbers on the scale go up and down up and down...(sung to the tune of the wheels on the bus...)
It is so easy to give up. To eat the cake. To comfort my hurting heart with food. To skip the walk. To "rest" - when I've been"resting" for years.
Nonethless, I'm proud of myself. last week I worked out 180 minutes and burned 1390 calories. Compared to doing "nothing" that's a lot. Nor did I start off too fast/hard and injure myself, which is a repeating theme for me.
Goals for this week:
190 minutes exercise
exercise 10 minutes a day or more for 6 days
DRINK THE FREAKIN' WATER!
5 fruits veggies a day
Reasonable goals. goals that will help me feel better and live longer, regardless of what the scale says at the end of the week.
Friday, May 27, 2011
*I'm planning to walk half of the route for the Heaven Can Wait Breast Cancer walk that will happen in a week....
*Do some major dance choreography...for classes, students, troupe, and me
*Catch up on some laundry - it's taking over the world....
*BBQ some burgers maybe?
*Relax - or try to.
Last night was an important step in dealing with my son's mental health issues. For the first time, the therapist used the word "psychosis" in conjunction with Mike. Until now, the last 2 months of being in this special program, they would only say "well....something's going on. We don't want to label him too soon....". And bringing a med on board again was confirmed and a date set.
This is HUGE. We've been living through hell - and so has he - for months. To have a confirmed diagnosis of some kind of psychotic disorder (bipolar, who knows?) and get him back on a med is huge. Like...the light just went on at the end of a very dark tunnel that you began to think had no end.
Going into the weekend hopeful!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Measured today....couple inches total off hips/waist. I keep measuring at specific spots to try to be accurate..but as my body changes, droops, softens....it's hard to tell. Still, I'm taking the measurements at face value - my clothes fit differently so that's an affirmation that the measurements aren't far off.
I've exercised consistently for three weeks - at least 10 minutes a day, sometimes 90 minutes a day. I've done strength training, cardio, and stretching. I've cut my food consumption considerably...I haven't been "perfect" but I've been consistent.
Yesterday, when it was raining I chose not to do my morning walk. By afternoon, I felt like I was about to crawl out of my skin...so even tho it was still windy and drippy, I walked anyway and it helped. I think my body has hit that point of wanting the movement - which is a good thing.
Mood is still low - directly corresponding to finances and issues with my son. But...nonetheless....I got up and came to work. I did my hair, I showered and did my makeup. I wore my walking shoes and brought my ipod so I can walk on my break. I brought pears and string cheese for snack, and have crystal light in the battle to get more water down.
I'm low emotionally...but I'm not out. One foot in front of the other. One day after another. One workout, one meal, one thing....All I have to do is get through to the next thing, eh?
So today's question: What's on your ipod for working out? Currently, I'm listening to Pink's "Raise your glass" - repeated during my walk. I like the beat, I like the sentiment...."wrong in all the right ways" sort of fits me....So what do YOU listen to most?
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