Sunday, June 05, 2011
Two people i know have lost a lot of weight. I'm having a hard time with jealousy and resentment.
These aren't necessarily people I'm close to...and being aware that neither of them accomplished it in very healthy ways (diet pills etc) isn't helping me.
I'm seeing one of them this weekend...and I'm having a hard time thinking about it. She was successful - and I have not been. Yes, she used diet pills and other means I'm not interested in pursuing...
But I have a bad attitude about it in both of these cases. I'm envious. I'm jealous. I'm ticked off. The diet pills/crazy diets etc aren't supposed to work...but it did for both of these women and here I sit.
I'm writing about this in the hope I can get it out of my system. That I can get the ugly feeling out of my head...and heart....
Sunday, June 05, 2011
I took a huge leap....
I asked to dance in a show on June 10th. Following that, I could have taken a less scary (for me) route and danced to a CD...but I asked to dance to live music.
Pretty big steps outside the zone of my safety. See, I dance with my troupe and sure that is hard in some respects with my weight...but to be the only one up there is REALLY hard. And live music? Well, I'm a control freak, LOL. I want to know what's coming next, and with a live band, even the music you pick they might play a lil different....
Soooooo yeah. Scary crap for me!
But I did it to push myelf, to grow, to MAKE myself do this.
I was NOT pleased with my performance in April. first off, yep, my big belly seemed freakin' HUGE and secondly, I didn't dance to my level. I played it "safe". It was fine....but it wasn't ME if that makes any sense and I was really, really unhappy afterward.
so this time, I'm pulling out the stops......
Today: first 5K in a year! Heaven Can Wait walk/run in Bend, Oregon benefiting the Sara Fisher Breast Cancer Project. My partner's first walk EVER...and she didn't train. She signed up and sort of turned her nose up at "training". So this is going to be a very interesting walk, LOL.....5K doesn't SOUND like much but...um yeah. LOL!
THEN I teach a 1.5 hour dance class tonight. I'm hitting that calories burned mark this week for sure!
Friday, June 03, 2011
Sometimes I'm a lil slow. Some times I'm REALLY slow. Apparently, on this subject - i'm the latter.
So looking at my spark page, I looked at the recommended calories burned per week. Now, I see this daily and I see the little arrow...and I don't think too much about it.
Yesterday, I looked at it and noticed I wasn't going very far with that lil arrow. Ithought huh. I wonder what my usual weekly calorie burn is?
um - way below the recommendation. recently it's been better...but not near the goal. Not. Near. Recommdnded is 1380...and I hit around 800 on a good week.
Well DUH. Hello! Wake up lil Susie!
No wonder I'm not losing weight! Yes, this really was an epiphany to me, I'm embarrassed to say! I just have not been paying much attention...well, i'm paying attention NOW!
Add to my June goals: Burn 1380 or more calories per week! to kick that off, I went for an extra 30 minute walk last night.
I feel pretty dumb, LOL, but at least I'm finally aware!
Thursday, June 02, 2011
I weighed again today. Not because I wondered if it was different or had some idea I'd lost weight, I weighed because I needed to SEE the numbers. I need to take ownership of my weight - how much I weigh REALLY.
252 pounds on a 5' frame. Arthritis, knees worn out, back problems, sleep apnea, pre-diabetic, blood pressure creeping up.....
What am I doing about it? I've already begun a reasonable walking program and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I've made having a daily walk a habit and I don't feel "right" if I don't have it now...my body wants the activity. That's a huge success. I walked 20 miles last month...that's way more than any other month in a very long time. I've started adding more 10 minute segments of activity into my days...and I can feel I'm gaining stamina.
No, the numbers on the scale will not rule me...will not define me...but I will also look at them honestly and not stick my head in the sand anymore either.
This is going to be a high pressure two weeks...I have very tight finances yet again, and eating well is likely not going to be easy or consistent. When you are this broke...you eat rice and potatos and cheap filling food. Just the same, I will track my food and be honest with myself about what I'm eating.
I'm gaining ground on the water war! Not quite 8 cups yesterday, but very close....
Ah, another day...another dollar. Better get to work...
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
I pulled the scales out of my closet this a.m.
I checked to make sure they were still balanced...it had been months (a year? more?) since I used them...I've just been using the Wii board. Minor adjustment...and they were set at zero.
I stepped on.....
Holy freakin' cow.
A lil different? um, try TEN POUNDS different...in the wrong direction. that means I am 252 pounds, not 242 pounds as I had imagined myself to be.
My heart sank like a lead weight. A wave of hopelessness crashed over me.
Talk about a motivator for a new month....crap. crap crap crapitty crap crap.
those goals I posted yesterday? I feel like I have to jump up and make everything twice as hard to make up for being heavier than I thought. That's not realistic - and I know it. but the FEELING is intense.
But...you can't really know where you are or see where you're going till you know the Truth.
This a.m. the Truth sucked.
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