Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Last I left you it was Saturday, my daughter was going to compete and I was going to perform in the evening show....
My daughter placed 2nd out of 14 in the Hobbyist (2 years and over experience) and I danced in the evening show and actually had a good time and liked my performance (both surprising and a relief!)
It was a great weekend...a motivating weekend for sure. today? back to real life....work, stress, worry....and EXERCISE and HEALTHY EATING! this weekend was not bad as far as eating, I wasn't tracking - but i didn't go overboard either. I'll weigh in this morning before I hit the shower and the last week of walking and the weekend being off routine will tell the tale...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I'm checking in from 7 Feathers Casino in Canyonville, Oregon where Belly Dancer USA (www.bellydancerusa.com) is being held....
Today I will judge several categories and my daughter will compete for the first time in the Hobbyist category (dancing more than 2 years).
I've already met some old friends and some acquaintances....and had an interaction that made me ..... sad. I won't go into the long details, but someone I've known for about 30 years tried to "boost" me up by telling me I needed to "try to look younger" - and the implied "you need to lose weight" was thinly veiled. She loves me, you bet. But it's sort of like that older aunty who might say less than nice things while she's trying to "help" if you know what I mean. It bummed me out for a little bit last night, but I got over it.
And that's sort of freakin' cool. That I could get over it. Five years ago....I would have stuffed my feelings down with food, for one. I would have obsessed over the things she said and there would have been a lot of self doubt going on...likely for weeks.
Today, my sense of self is much stronger....and after a bit of feeling like I'd been run over by a truck...i thought "eh, take what you can use and leave the rest". Nothing she said could I really use, LOL, but I could use the realization that I'm far more centered and secure in myself than I was for a large portion of my life - celebrate that and move on.
Today is a good time to make a lot of connections, build relationships and have fun! Woo hoo! Hope your saturday is awesome!
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
One of the things that has been a struggle for me is emotions. I was taught to stuff my emotions (with sugar!) and to feel and/or express them is really hard for me. I spent YEARS shoving my anger down my own throat with food...to feel those feelings now is not easy.
I'm angry. My ex husband is $35K behind in child support. He recently had his child support obligation reduced by 75% because of lack of income. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy...but it's limited. He didn't pay for YEARS - years that I am the one that kept our children fed, clothed and housed, without a penny from him and no parenting from him either since he moved to the opposite side of the country.
Now that his child support has been drastically reduced....he is still not paying. Every day that goes by that he does not pay, I get more and more angry. He has never helped with medical costs (tho required by the court), not paid child support, and called his kids maybe 10 times in as many years.
I'm so angry. I've found myself thinking about food when this anger comes up...and I've stopped myself from eating to soothe myself and worked on FEELING the feelings. Anger, rage even. Epic sadness for my children that their dad just dropped them and left the area to avoid responsibility.
Stuffing myself with food to self medicate these feelings is not going to help anything. So I won't. Instead, I wrote it out (here). I'm talking about it in therapy. Food does not solve problems.
Just keep swimmin'....
Monday, June 06, 2011
whew, that weekend FLEW by!
The 5k went GREAT! Here i worried that because she hadn't trained at ALL, the walk would be pretty hard for Jodie...and yes, lol, there were a few times she said "I hate you" in a joking way - but she did GREAT! We did the 5K in 75 minutes, which breaks down to 25 minute miles - I'm very very satisfied with that!
I also shared my idea of working toward walking the Portland Marathon the year we turn 50...three years from now, and using this event as a spring board for that. She was pretty nonpulsed when she learned how far a marathon is, LOL! But I told her it's MY goal, she does not have to participate in it at all if she doesn't want to. We'll see......
And, just as I knew it would - writing about my feelings of resentment/envy of friends who have lost weight (unhealth-fully) has taken some of the edge off of those feelings for me. I have today - that's all we ever really have - to make a difference in my health, my weight, my stamina, my life. Feeling down about other's "unfair" success is perhaps normal, albeit not something I'm proud of. But, they are "feelings"and I get to have them! So, today, if I get that "aw, I don't really want to walk" feeling on my break, I will use those feelings to propel me out the door!
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Two people i know have lost a lot of weight. I'm having a hard time with jealousy and resentment.
These aren't necessarily people I'm close to...and being aware that neither of them accomplished it in very healthy ways (diet pills etc) isn't helping me.
I'm seeing one of them this weekend...and I'm having a hard time thinking about it. She was successful - and I have not been. Yes, she used diet pills and other means I'm not interested in pursuing...
But I have a bad attitude about it in both of these cases. I'm envious. I'm jealous. I'm ticked off. The diet pills/crazy diets etc aren't supposed to work...but it did for both of these women and here I sit.
I'm writing about this in the hope I can get it out of my system. That I can get the ugly feeling out of my head...and heart....
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