Friday, June 17, 2011
Glad to see the end of this week! I have to work a few hours Saturday, but it will be by myself for the most part and I really don't mind.
Summer has begun - both in the weather....and the calls to work. Calls that my son is acting up again, hitting his sister, screaming....It jacks my stress level up to 10 immediately. My concern for him is overwhelming, the way he treats his sister is unacceptable...and he won't (can't?) take any responsibility for his actions at this point. If it happens in anger - he does not remember it. This is part of the psychosis they tell me, and while in some ways it's a relief to hear that there's a reason...it doesn't solve the problems.
One day at a time, sometimes one call at a time, is the only way to handle it.
Working out has been okay this week, off schedule some and I don't do well without my usual routines. I need to burn about 400 more calories by Saturday night to make my goal...I am sure i will though. Food has not been all that bad, but not all that great either. Yesterday, there was an ice cream cake for the birthdays this month in the office. I thought, wow, i haven't had dessert in forever! i will have a small piece...
made me sick as a dog. I take it to mean I'm getting away from the garbage I used to eat and now it is making me sick when I do indulge. Everyone was talking about seconds today...I won't be joining them, LOL!
I've been weighing sporadically...Down 2 pounds, up a pound. down a pound, up two pounds. I weigh to remind myself that I weigh 250 pounds, because it would be easy to conveniently 'forget'. I'm doing well at not obsessing over the numbers - allowing the number to decide if i'm having a good day or a bad day. that's been successful. I'm pleased I'm making it to the amount of calories burned a week and realize how much less exercise i was doing before that revelation a couple weeks ago.
TGIF my sparkly friends...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Last I left you it was Saturday, my daughter was going to compete and I was going to perform in the evening show....
My daughter placed 2nd out of 14 in the Hobbyist (2 years and over experience) and I danced in the evening show and actually had a good time and liked my performance (both surprising and a relief!)
It was a great weekend...a motivating weekend for sure. today? back to real life....work, stress, worry....and EXERCISE and HEALTHY EATING! this weekend was not bad as far as eating, I wasn't tracking - but i didn't go overboard either. I'll weigh in this morning before I hit the shower and the last week of walking and the weekend being off routine will tell the tale...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I'm checking in from 7 Feathers Casino in Canyonville, Oregon where Belly Dancer USA (www.bellydancerusa.com) is being held....
Today I will judge several categories and my daughter will compete for the first time in the Hobbyist category (dancing more than 2 years).
I've already met some old friends and some acquaintances....and had an interaction that made me ..... sad. I won't go into the long details, but someone I've known for about 30 years tried to "boost" me up by telling me I needed to "try to look younger" - and the implied "you need to lose weight" was thinly veiled. She loves me, you bet. But it's sort of like that older aunty who might say less than nice things while she's trying to "help" if you know what I mean. It bummed me out for a little bit last night, but I got over it.
And that's sort of freakin' cool. That I could get over it. Five years ago....I would have stuffed my feelings down with food, for one. I would have obsessed over the things she said and there would have been a lot of self doubt going on...likely for weeks.
Today, my sense of self is much stronger....and after a bit of feeling like I'd been run over by a truck...i thought "eh, take what you can use and leave the rest". Nothing she said could I really use, LOL, but I could use the realization that I'm far more centered and secure in myself than I was for a large portion of my life - celebrate that and move on.
Today is a good time to make a lot of connections, build relationships and have fun! Woo hoo! Hope your saturday is awesome!
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
One of the things that has been a struggle for me is emotions. I was taught to stuff my emotions (with sugar!) and to feel and/or express them is really hard for me. I spent YEARS shoving my anger down my own throat with food...to feel those feelings now is not easy.
I'm angry. My ex husband is $35K behind in child support. He recently had his child support obligation reduced by 75% because of lack of income. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy...but it's limited. He didn't pay for YEARS - years that I am the one that kept our children fed, clothed and housed, without a penny from him and no parenting from him either since he moved to the opposite side of the country.
Now that his child support has been drastically reduced....he is still not paying. Every day that goes by that he does not pay, I get more and more angry. He has never helped with medical costs (tho required by the court), not paid child support, and called his kids maybe 10 times in as many years.
I'm so angry. I've found myself thinking about food when this anger comes up...and I've stopped myself from eating to soothe myself and worked on FEELING the feelings. Anger, rage even. Epic sadness for my children that their dad just dropped them and left the area to avoid responsibility.
Stuffing myself with food to self medicate these feelings is not going to help anything. So I won't. Instead, I wrote it out (here). I'm talking about it in therapy. Food does not solve problems.
Just keep swimmin'....
Monday, June 06, 2011
whew, that weekend FLEW by!
The 5k went GREAT! Here i worried that because she hadn't trained at ALL, the walk would be pretty hard for Jodie...and yes, lol, there were a few times she said "I hate you" in a joking way - but she did GREAT! We did the 5K in 75 minutes, which breaks down to 25 minute miles - I'm very very satisfied with that!
I also shared my idea of working toward walking the Portland Marathon the year we turn 50...three years from now, and using this event as a spring board for that. She was pretty nonpulsed when she learned how far a marathon is, LOL! But I told her it's MY goal, she does not have to participate in it at all if she doesn't want to. We'll see......
And, just as I knew it would - writing about my feelings of resentment/envy of friends who have lost weight (unhealth-fully) has taken some of the edge off of those feelings for me. I have today - that's all we ever really have - to make a difference in my health, my weight, my stamina, my life. Feeling down about other's "unfair" success is perhaps normal, albeit not something I'm proud of. But, they are "feelings"and I get to have them! So, today, if I get that "aw, I don't really want to walk" feeling on my break, I will use those feelings to propel me out the door!
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