NOREGRET2010   44,767
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Monday Check In

Monday, August 01, 2011

One pic from last nights local Guild Showcase...It's a funny pic because everyone else is spinning and I'm not...It wasn't my turn yet, LOL.

I really struggled with my feelings about my body last night when I was trying to figure out what to wear for the show. I've been morbidly obese for a long time and it's usually not fun for me to try to come up with a costume that doesn't highlight my belly size. This worked since it was a very casual event. I had the fleeting thought while I was going through the process of selecting something "wow, I don't know what it's like to enjoy getting ready for a show and feeling good about how I look. I wonder what that would feel like?" When I was thinner, I thought I was fat (palm to forehead here) and worried unnecessarily over how I looked. Naturally, 25 years later and 100 pounds more, I WISH I looked like that!

I woke up this morning relieved I didn't have to run, LOL. I'd left it till around 8ish on Saturday and it was already too warm and I was miserable! Won't be doing that the rest of the week!

I realized I had another success or two in July I didn't list in my last post: Last month was my highest Spark point accumulation since my joining Sparkpeople FIVE years ago! That tells me I was on the site daily, reading the articles, tracking etc. AND my calorie burn for the month was the 2nd highest ever: 4951 calories burned in July! June and July hav been my two strongest months in those five years for calories burned and points. discernable weight loss. But I certainly count the high points and calories burned as "non-scale victories"!

I'm working on a "five years on Sparkpeople" post. Yes, a part of me is sad I can't say I've lost the weight and kept it off for years like some can. But I've learned a lot, I've changed a lot - inside and out- in those five years. Stay tuned for that post sometime this month.

Ah Monday...time to hit it! A new week, a fresh start...let's try to get it right!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATCHAGIRL 8/1/2011 6:23PM

    Cool pic! :)

Hey... it's not just a new week, it's a new MONTH and a NEW BEGINNING!!! (At least I'm gonna try to look at it that way, myself!) :)

Keep up the good work and try not to look back too much... just keep movin' forward and staying positive!

Have a WONDERFUL week ahead!

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MINIDRIVER63 8/1/2011 10:00AM

    Great action picture!

Congratulations on such a winning July! Now, let's get excited about August!

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TAKETIMETOO 8/1/2011 8:20AM

  It's good that you're sticking with it.

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Last day of July ... August Goals

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I know I say this all the time, LOL, but where did this month go???? Seriously, seems like it was just 4th of July...

C25K: Started and most importantly, continued, run will be day 7.

Distance: I can now jog an entire block's distance. When I started jogging, I could literally only go a few yards.

Time: I whittled my time on my original route from 30 minutes to 20 minutes, and added more distance to that this week. Best time this month was a 17 minute mile.

There was no scale success this month, as I continue to cycle those same freaking 2 pounds. Measurements are changing, but are odd - lose here and gain there.

We video'd our rehearsal Friday night to see that we were all doing the same things...and I noticed my body looks different. My butt appears less pronounced and my belly is now hanging to touch my upper thighs. Ever so attractive, let me tell you....ewww! After seeing that, I'll be choosing my costuming for todays performance carefully to minimize that!

So things are changing. Perhaps not in the way I would like...I would prefer my belly go in and up...not sag down and flop! But let's be realistic here, I've carried the majority of my 100 surplus pounds right in front on my belly. As that loosens and changes, it's not realistic that it's going to just go back to what it was before the weight. It's alllll streeeeetched ooooouuuuuut.

The real success is that I started and stuck to C25K and I can see differences in my body - even if they aren't the ones I'd like to have. Good enough.

Continue C25K - even if that means continuing to repeat week 1. In order to repeat a week, you have to leave and rejoin the group, which is sort of annoying, but it is what it is. I can't yet do 5x of interval walk/run. I have made it up to about a minute of run time for 4 intervals tho, so that is improvement. My goal for C25K for August: Get into week 2.

More water. It's been hot, and I'm not getting enough water. Goal for August: Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

Stretching: Bad about this. Goal for August: Stretch after EVERY run and stretch for 5 minutes on non-run days.

Freggies: Not as good as could be, money is an issue. Goal for August: Get 5 Freggies a day.

Someone I was acquainted with died from cancer last night. I'm reminded to be thrilled I am here and that I CAN work on this stuff. Gratitude that I have life and the ability to change for the better.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAELLY 7/31/2011 10:39AM

    Hey! Congrats on the successes! And great job with the jogging! That's one I struggle with; I walk regularly, but I've recently tried to jog--just to see if I can. Let me tell you, I need to work up to it. Seeing someone else who is able to improve her jogging encourages me. :) Thanks for sharing! Good luck in August!!

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Seriously Peeved

Friday, July 29, 2011

I've been running three weeks - two of those weeks with C25K. I've had salads for every work lunch, forgoing pizza brought in to work and ignored the craving for a juicy burger instead. I've done strength training and I did a 90 minute bootcamp workout this week. Gave up my coffee drive through and had a healthy low fat, high protein, high fiber breakfast 5 out of 7 days a week.

It's a good thing I decided to change my goals to a very slow route...because for the 11th weigh in straight (11 weeks), I've cycled the same 2 pounds...this week it went back up 2 pounds.

I stood there on the scale and said "Really?"

When I've had this kind of lackluster response to working really hard with little result there have been a couple different responses through my adult life.

#1) "Eff this. I'm done. This is too freaking hard and I'm not going to do it any more! I'm fat, I'm always going to BE fat and I might as well accept it!" At that point, I let exercise go and ate whatever the dickens I wanted.

#2) "I'll show YOU scales!!! I'm going to be sooo strict on my food...I'm going to work out 2 hours every day!! I'LL SHOW YOU!!!!" Which would last about a week - the end of which I would be so hungry, exhausted and burned out I was useless, and often resulted in negligible, if any, weight loss.

Today, I begin a new response. HOLD STEADY. Continue healthy eating. Continue C25K. Continue strength training. Don't up it to some unrealistic level you can't maintain. Don't give up. HOLD STEADY.

On the drive in this a.m. - there was a war in my mind. "Well, you have given up one of your few vices - Dutch Bro Dutch Freeze (granita) - for NOTHING. You DESERVE to have one today!! Let go today. Eat what you want and get back on track tomorrow. It doesn't appear to matter anyway!" And right until I drove past that war was raging. I switched to the lane closest....hesitated...and kept going. This is not to say that I don't EVER have it again....I think I had 2 in July. Infrequent treats, the small size. But I didn't need it today...I just wanted it to soothe my ruffled feathers. I also looked at McDonalds fleetingly...and drove by.

Instead, I came the rest of the way into work...dished out my low-fat yogurt and frozen berries, sprinkled on a bit of low-fat granola and that is breakfast.

Hold steady. HOLD STEADY. H-o-l-d S-t-e-a-d-y.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATANAROGUE 7/31/2011 12:29PM

    I feel you on this one. My weight loss has been EXTREMELY slow. Sadly, thinking you deserve something really doesn't affect the reality of the situation. Adjust, resolve, don't give up!

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FITFORMYKIDS 7/31/2011 9:34AM

    You are on the right track. I have the same battle and, believe it or not, menatlly my current 15 pounds is equally as hard as the 80 pounds I lost initally. Even harder in some ways because the time needed to loose the weight is shorter and causes a lot of mental gymnastics. I have recently changed my focus. I no longer weigh and measure anything, food, self or time. I just focus on three well balanced meals. I will get where I am suposed to be eventually and I can't calculate it out. Snacks turn into "bingettes" so I have had to forego them. Even my evening snack that I looked so forward to. An innocent 200 calorie choclate covered peanut butter bar with 20 grams of protein. Can't tell you how much I looked forward to that every night. On one level it worked to keep me from binging after dinner, but I still could not get out of the diet menatlity. We are in this for life. We need a total life changing way of dealing with food and excercise that we can maintain for life. I have to be entirely honest about binge foods (candy, chips, baked goods). When I eat them they mess up my mood and create cravings. I can't seem to stick to healthy eating for more than 10 days in a row until I blow it and binge again. Then another month or so to get back on track. It just doesn't work. Your weight will come off slowly. That is okay. Just find a plan you can stick to and even if you only loose 3 pounds a month, that is 36 pounds a year from now and mostly fat with your excercise so you can be down 6 sizes. How awesome is that! HOLD STEADY!

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NETGYRL 7/29/2011 4:33PM

    Keep being strong! You know are you doing the right things, that scale will eventually confirm it. Good on ya for passing up temptation!

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DEGENNAN 7/29/2011 4:14PM

    You are a superhero. How many other people would have caved after the frustration of not seeing the scale move after working hard? I think it can be hard to jumpstart the weight loss sometime, and you do have to give your body time. You really are amazing for not giving in and enjoying the sweetness in the frozen berries with your granola and yogurt instead. Eating like that will help you when you run and do other workouts and eventually you WILL see that payoff. Hang in there, sister! You are doing such a great job - never mind the scale. That is just ONE metric and on all the others (eating choices, fitness minutes, etc) you are ROCKING THIS OUT! So kudos to you on being so strong today and every other day you are making those tough choices and not giving in to those temptations!

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MINIDRIVER63 7/29/2011 12:35PM

    Hold steady! That scale will have to knuckle under sooner or later.

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BOOMALATTY 7/29/2011 12:13PM

    First of all I've never spelled "that F word" with an "E" but I like it! Hey, if weight loss was easy, everybody would do it! You have said it right, and are doing the right thing - I always tell myself how long I ate wrong and how long the weight kept going up - so it will take at least as long to go back off! Stay the course!

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1HELPLESSMOM 7/29/2011 12:03PM

    I know it can be frustrating. The idea of holding steady is the best way to go. Don't give up on yourself. You can do this!

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CONNIER64 7/29/2011 11:06AM

    Been there,done that and have the extra pounds to prove it emoticon

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SHOOTIN4STARS 7/29/2011 10:40AM

    I can relate. I'm the only person I know who works out 90 minutes a day and isn't losing weight. It is frustrating!

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WKYWMN 7/29/2011 10:25AM

    I'm with you on holding steady. I have had similar things happen while my friends drop pounds without batting an eyelash. That's why I think this team is so important. Other members understand the frustration you are experiencing. Kudos to you for driving by McDonald's!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/29/2011 10:26:37 AM

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Thursday Check In

Thursday, July 28, 2011

C25K day 5, done. Urgh. Still waiting for the enjoyment to kick in, LOL. Again, I am amazed that every single day I run, I can run farther than the day before. Sort of a miracle to me.

Other than that...not much to report on. Bipolar son has been in an absolutely horrid mood for about three days and my patience is wearing thin. Daughter has best friend who moved to another city staying for a week. Partner's OCD is in high gear...and again, my patience is running thin. Work issues and some other relationship issues are a bit tangled - I'm having to discipline someone at work on Friday and I'm really dreading it. Working on kind, but firm. Really hate this part of leadership!

That's it from the fast lane folks.....if you are going outside today, please, PLEASE wear sunscreen. I typed a report on a friend yesterday...invasive melanoma. Made me very sad.

Wear. Your. Sunscreen.


It's only Wednesday?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Are ya sure? Cuz it sure seems like a long week already....

Today is my rest day from walk/jog. Yay! LOL. I have 1.5 hours of dance rehearsal tonight tho, so not exactly "rest" day.

After careful thinking, I've decided to go for the goal change - 100 pounds in 40 months. That's 2.5 pounds a month - super, incredibly slow. Can I hope it will go faster than that? Yes, I can hope! That would put me at 150ish by my 50th birthday. Still heavier than the "charts" say for my height (5') and build...but I truly can't imagine myself at less than 150. I think that is a fine goal - a reasonable goal - and at 2.5 pounds a month, an ACHIEVABLE goal.

See...I've been "trying to lose weight" for a long time. And not really going anywhere. I change my diet, I increase exercise...and the weight does not fall off. It redistributes some, and I look better...but I don't seem to lose weight. I've had the tests, I've been checked out....not much good reason why it's not happening except for one concrete result: No progesterone, meaning my estrogen is running rampant. Most importantly, this is called "unopposed estrogen" (meaning nothing is being done to fix it) and is a leading cause of cancer in women - and the biggest reason it needed to be addressed. The doc felt this has probably been going on for YEARS and could be a significant reason why I'm having problems losing weight. The solution? Progesterone cream to help balance the estrogen. I've been doing the progesterone about 3 months now. While I hoped it would magically fix me, LOL, it hasn't. Who knows how long it takes to get balanced when you've been THIS unbalanced for years? Add perimenopause in there along with some insulin resistance...and I've struggled terribly to lose weight.

I set a seemingly reasonable goal, work very hard at it..with little or no result. Then I get discouraged and quit trying for awhile. That was my cycle for YEARS.

Now, I'm making this a VERY long term program. Less than a pound a week is sort of crazy slow, I know. But it occurred to me, if I'm trying like crazy and nothing is happening, I get really discouraged and fall off. Perhaps this is like running for me, success is in "go slower than you think you can".

Every obese person wants to go to wake up one morning and be miraculously at a healthy weight. Doesn't work like that tho, does it? It takes a long time of consistent activity and effort, retraining ourselves - the way we eat and more importantly the way we think.

As stubborn as I am, 3 years is likely about as long as retraining my thinking is going to take!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINABUNN 7/27/2011 2:29PM

    I like the shift in thinking. Definitely attainable, and you'll have no reason at all to beat yourself up over some unrealistic goal. The secret lies in perseverance... or so I hear. lol You're moving in the right direction!!!!

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HANNELIE12 7/27/2011 12:08PM

    Hi I think your new mind set is going to work miricals. Yes I know the thing of working hard for a few months and then stop again. That did not work for me either. So little by little is my motto too.
At least I know the exercise is helping me to get more healthy and that is important too..
Good luck and keep on going... The fat must go sooner or later if you keep up what you are doing...

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MINIDRIVER63 7/27/2011 11:22AM

    The great thing about slow progress is that it leads to lasting change in habits.

If you woke up tomorrow at your goal weight, chances are you'd gain it all back in a year or so. Because you wouldn't have changed your eating and exercise habits.

And you may find as you change your habits, the weight comes off faster than anticipated. Not because you're impatient or doing crazy stuff, but because you're eating well and getting plenty of exercise - habits that will help you keep losing and keep it from piling back on.

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1HELPLESSMOM 7/27/2011 9:21AM

    I think your goals are doable. I wish all the success in the world. I understand your frustrations about not seeing results on the scale. Maybe what they say about losing weight at this stage in our lives is true. Before I could lose 10 pounds without really trying when I was in my 20s but at 45 it is a real struggle for me.
I will continue to follow your journey through your blogs. Good luck to you.

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