Monday, August 01, 2011
One pic from last nights local Guild Showcase...It's a funny pic because everyone else is spinning and I'm not...It wasn't my turn yet, LOL.
I really struggled with my feelings about my body last night when I was trying to figure out what to wear for the show. I've been morbidly obese for a long time and it's usually not fun for me to try to come up with a costume that doesn't highlight my belly size. This worked since it was a very casual event. I had the fleeting thought while I was going through the process of selecting something "wow, I don't know what it's like to enjoy getting ready for a show and feeling good about how I look. I wonder what that would feel like?" When I was thinner, I thought I was fat (palm to forehead here) and worried unnecessarily over how I looked. Naturally, 25 years later and 100 pounds more, I WISH I looked like that!
I woke up this morning relieved I didn't have to run, LOL. I'd left it till around 8ish on Saturday and it was already too warm and I was miserable! Won't be doing that the rest of the week!
I realized I had another success or two in July I didn't list in my last post: Last month was my highest Spark point accumulation since my joining Sparkpeople FIVE years ago! That tells me I was on the site daily, reading the articles, tracking etc. AND my calorie burn for the month was the 2nd highest ever: 4951 calories burned in July! June and July hav been my two strongest months in those five years for calories burned and points. No....no discernable weight loss. But I certainly count the high points and calories burned as "non-scale victories"!
I'm working on a "five years on Sparkpeople" post. Yes, a part of me is sad I can't say I've lost the weight and kept it off for years like some can. But I've learned a lot, I've changed a lot - inside and out- in those five years. Stay tuned for that post sometime this month.
Ah Monday...time to hit it! A new week, a fresh start...let's try to get it right!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I know I say this all the time, LOL, but where did this month go???? Seriously, seems like it was just 4th of July...
C25K: Started and most importantly, continued, C25K...next run will be day 7.
Distance: I can now jog an entire block's distance. When I started jogging, I could literally only go a few yards.
Time: I whittled my time on my original route from 30 minutes to 20 minutes, and added more distance to that this week. Best time this month was a 17 minute mile.
There was no scale success this month, as I continue to cycle those same freaking 2 pounds. Measurements are changing, but are odd - lose here and gain there.
We video'd our rehearsal Friday night to see that we were all doing the same things...and I noticed my body looks different. My butt appears less pronounced and my belly is now hanging to touch my upper thighs. Ever so attractive, let me tell you....ewww! After seeing that, I'll be choosing my costuming for todays performance carefully to minimize that!
So things are changing. Perhaps not in the way I would like...I would prefer my belly go in and up...not sag down and flop! But let's be realistic here, I've carried the majority of my 100 surplus pounds right in front on my belly. As that loosens and changes, it's not realistic that it's going to just go back to what it was before the weight. It's alllll streeeeetched ooooouuuuuut.
The real success is that I started and stuck to C25K and I can see differences in my body - even if they aren't the ones I'd like to have. Good enough.
Continue C25K - even if that means continuing to repeat week 1. In order to repeat a week, you have to leave and rejoin the group, which is sort of annoying, but it is what it is. I can't yet do 5x of interval walk/run. I have made it up to about a minute of run time for 4 intervals tho, so that is improvement. My goal for C25K for August: Get into week 2.
More water. It's been hot, and I'm not getting enough water. Goal for August: Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
Stretching: Bad about this. Goal for August: Stretch after EVERY run and stretch for 5 minutes on non-run days.
Freggies: Not as good as could be, money is an issue. Goal for August: Get 5 Freggies a day.
Someone I was acquainted with died from cancer last night. I'm reminded to be thrilled I am here and that I CAN work on this stuff. Gratitude that I have life and the ability to change for the better.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I've been running three weeks - two of those weeks with C25K. I've had salads for every work lunch, forgoing pizza brought in to work and ignored the craving for a juicy burger instead. I've done strength training and I did a 90 minute bootcamp workout this week. Gave up my coffee drive through and had a healthy low fat, high protein, high fiber breakfast 5 out of 7 days a week.
It's a good thing I decided to change my goals to a very slow route...because for the 11th weigh in straight (11 weeks), I've cycled the same 2 pounds...this week it went back up 2 pounds.
I stood there on the scale and said "Really?"
When I've had this kind of lackluster response to working really hard with little result there have been a couple different responses through my adult life.
#1) "Eff this. I'm done. This is too freaking hard and I'm not going to do it any more! I'm fat, I'm always going to BE fat and I might as well accept it!" At that point, I let exercise go and ate whatever the dickens I wanted.
#2) "I'll show YOU scales!!! I'm going to be sooo strict on my food...I'm going to work out 2 hours every day!! I'LL SHOW YOU!!!!" Which would last about a week - the end of which I would be so hungry, exhausted and burned out I was useless, and often resulted in negligible, if any, weight loss.
Today, I begin a new response. HOLD STEADY. Continue healthy eating. Continue C25K. Continue strength training. Don't up it to some unrealistic level you can't maintain. Don't give up. HOLD STEADY.
On the drive in this a.m. - there was a war in my mind. "Well, you have given up one of your few vices - Dutch Bro Dutch Freeze (granita) - for NOTHING. You DESERVE to have one today!! Let go today. Eat what you want and get back on track tomorrow. It doesn't appear to matter anyway!" And right until I drove past that war was raging. I switched to the lane closest....hesitated...and kept going. This is not to say that I don't EVER have it again....I think I had 2 in July. Infrequent treats, the small size. But I didn't need it today...I just wanted it to soothe my ruffled feathers. I also looked at McDonalds fleetingly...and drove by.
Instead, I came the rest of the way into work...dished out my low-fat yogurt and frozen berries, sprinkled on a bit of low-fat granola and that is breakfast.
Hold steady. HOLD STEADY. H-o-l-d S-t-e-a-d-y.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
C25K day 5, done. Urgh. Still waiting for the enjoyment to kick in, LOL. Again, I am amazed that every single day I run, I can run farther than the day before. Sort of a miracle to me.
Other than that...not much to report on. Bipolar son has been in an absolutely horrid mood for about three days and my patience is wearing thin. Daughter has best friend who moved to another city staying for a week. Partner's OCD is in high gear...and again, my patience is running thin. Work issues and some other relationship issues are a bit tangled - I'm having to discipline someone at work on Friday and I'm really dreading it. Working on kind, but firm. Really hate this part of leadership!
That's it from the fast lane folks.....if you are going outside today, please, PLEASE wear sunscreen. I typed a report on a friend yesterday...invasive melanoma. Made me very sad.
Wear. Your. Sunscreen.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Are ya sure? Cuz it sure seems like a long week already....
Today is my rest day from walk/jog. Yay! LOL. I have 1.5 hours of dance rehearsal tonight tho, so not exactly "rest" day.
After careful thinking, I've decided to go for the goal change - 100 pounds in 40 months. That's 2.5 pounds a month - super, incredibly slow. Can I hope it will go faster than that? Yes, I can hope! That would put me at 150ish by my 50th birthday. Still heavier than the "charts" say for my height (5') and build...but I truly can't imagine myself at less than 150. I think that is a fine goal - a reasonable goal - and at 2.5 pounds a month, an ACHIEVABLE goal.
See...I've been "trying to lose weight" for a long time. And not really going anywhere. I change my diet, I increase exercise...and the weight does not fall off. It redistributes some, and I look better...but I don't seem to lose weight. I've had the tests, I've been checked out....not much good reason why it's not happening except for one concrete result: No progesterone, meaning my estrogen is running rampant. Most importantly, this is called "unopposed estrogen" (meaning nothing is being done to fix it) and is a leading cause of cancer in women - and the biggest reason it needed to be addressed. The doc felt this has probably been going on for YEARS and could be a significant reason why I'm having problems losing weight. The solution? Progesterone cream to help balance the estrogen. I've been doing the progesterone about 3 months now. While I hoped it would magically fix me, LOL, it hasn't. Who knows how long it takes to get balanced when you've been THIS unbalanced for years? Add perimenopause in there along with some insulin resistance...and I've struggled terribly to lose weight.
I set a seemingly reasonable goal, work very hard at it..with little or no result. Then I get discouraged and quit trying for awhile. That was my cycle for YEARS.
Now, I'm making this a VERY long term program. Less than a pound a week is sort of crazy slow, I know. But it occurred to me, if I'm trying like crazy and nothing is happening, I get really discouraged and fall off. Perhaps this is like running for me, success is in "go slower than you think you can".
Every obese person wants to go to wake up one morning and be miraculously at a healthy weight. Doesn't work like that tho, does it? It takes a long time of consistent activity and effort, retraining ourselves - the way we eat and more importantly the way we think.
As stubborn as I am, 3 years is likely about as long as retraining my thinking is going to take!
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