Monday, August 22, 2011
Not looking forward to Monday, even tho I usually do.
Emotions in a knot. Last night, someone that I have repeatedly given "scholarships" for my dance classesn was a lil ugly to me. My first reaction was, "seriously? after I have given you classes for FREE literally more times than I can count?"
When I was young and married, my husband was very selfish. It was okay for HIM to spend money in any way, but he resented me spending a dime. To keep the peace, I barely spent a penny. Finally he came down to refusing money even for my dance classes, which were basically my sanity. My teacher then gave me classes for free - because she knew my desire to dance and his refusal. To give back then, I give complete or partial scholarships to women who love to dance...but can't due to finances.
So, I reminded myself I was kind to this woman as a way of honoring MY teacher..I did it because I felt it was right and certainly not for any kudos or whatever.
But her words went straight to my heart. One of my first reactions was, FINE, I won't be giving classes to anyone anymore...see what happens??
But that's not true. I will continue...because there are women out there who need it and again, I can honor someone who did it for me.
I just feel sad and hurt. This has been a really sucky summer. Perhaps I'm not sad to see the end of it after all!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I've had a realization. One of my greatest pleasures in life is "art". Quilting, polymer clay, knitting, scrapbooking, collage...I've always really enjoyed artsy craftsy stuff. It feeds my spirit - playing with color and texture...
and I realized...I feel guilty making anything for myself.
I often feel guilty about ANY money spent on something "for" me - the result of years of working my butt off to keep my four children and myself housed and fed. I put myself on hold to put the needs of my family first...and it was viciously NECESSARY. It had to be done. Even today, we're struggling.
But when I DO have a bit of money to play with....I feel like I "should" use it for someone else. Christmas gifts...birthday presents, whatever.
I don't make things for myself. In fact looking back, I've given most everything I've made away. I told myself that it was the process of making it that was the enjoyable part for me, I wasn't attached to the finished product.
That is somewhat true. But it is ALSO true that I have not made anything for ME in a very long time, and when I think of it...guilt rises to a panic stage.
What's the cure for this? I believe the cure for this is to choose something pretty...with materials are comprable to those I'd chose for someone else...and just do it. My first inclination is always to spend the least amount on myelf...buy the generic. Buy the lower quality.
Are generics and low-price options bad? Of course not! But there is something wrong when you feel you must purchase the cheapest thing...because it's "only" for you!
I've no money to play with currently, so this is all in theory. But...perhaps that is good! It gives me time to look around at my options and choose something, save up for it and DO IT.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
8 days after my injury, yesterday was my first day back to dance practice. I'd toyed with the idea of running today (Saturday) even tho I told myself I would wait a FULL week after getting mobile again - which would be Tuesday.
While dance practice went well, I woke up stiff with tight muscles this a.m. and thought "let's stick to the original plan...." so while I will work out this a.m., I'm not running till Tuesday when I'll restart C25K.
I've done a lot of thinking about goals, motivation, self care this week. Lots of thought, reading, research...I think I'm in the "planning to make a plan" stage, LOL. My partner will fly out this Friday for 19 days to visit family in Louisiana. I've set that as my start date for Radical Self Care which for me includes:
* A training program to increase my cardio function - i.e. the C25K program
* Obtaining the HABIT of stretching DAILY
* Beginning training for re-certifying my level 1 SSBD format in August 2012 (more on this below).
* Vigorously planning and then making sure I follow through on ART...quilting, sewing, knitting...the playing with color and form that FEEDS my spirit.
* Step by step removing over-processed foods from my diet.
I'm working on putting a plan in place to achieve those goals, rather than as I usually do, saying "on Augst 27 I'm going to start doing all these things!!" I don't plan, and so I'm not prepared and things get in the way or don't work the way I thought....and I crash and burn.
Two years ago, I achieved one of the hardest things I've ever done, after months of training followed by a three day "bootcamp" and a LOT of money invested, I tested for and passed Level 1 in the Suhaila Salimpour Bellydance Format. This has been liked to "the army....for bellydancers" and it was HARD. It was physically demanding in a way my then 45-year-old obese body thought it might not make it through...but I did it.
To keep that certification, I needed to complete 20 hours of continuing ed or test for Level 2. I planned on doing a 5 day workshop which would have given me those CEC's and then testing. But, the stress of my son's mental illness and the financial burdens that followed made me face a choice...and I chose to let the certification expire so I could afford to do what needed to be done for my son and relieve myself of the pressure I would have to put myself under to train for that weeklong workshop, whether I tested or not.
It was VERY disappointing to make that decision. I cried. THAT disappointing. When I made that choice two months ago, I didn't know if I'd ever get back to it or it would just fade away.
I gave it a LOT of thought in those months...and this week I picked a workshop in August 2012, and set the goal of re-certifying. It will take some creative money saving and a lot of determination, but I'm going to do it....for me. I've put aside a lot in my life for others, because they needed me. I don't resent it - it's LIFE.
I'm doing this for me, because I need it.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Back to work today. Three days on muscle relaxers, ice, rest, a massage, and I'm among the walking again!
Not weighing in. While I didn't eat much I didn't do much either and right now I need to concentrate on letting my back heal....and becoming aggressive about self care. I'm so bad about putting myself last that I don't know how to take care of my body anymore, much less my spirit.
I plan on restarting C25K a week from today, probably starting all over again to protect my back and my brain from thinking I "should" be able to pick right up where I left off.
I wouldn't tell anyone else they "should" be able to start right where they were....why would I tell that to myself? Because - I - don't - take - good - care - of - ME!
I printed this quote and it is going to go everywhere with me:
"Your life is a sacred journey and it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous risks, embracing challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path exactly where you are meant to be right now...and from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, beauty, wisdome, power, dignity and love." Carolyn Joy Adams.
Monday, August 15, 2011
So, Friday I blogged about my back going out and how I was "still functioning"....Guess what I got for that idea??
Completely flat on my back Saturday and Sunday, miserable and in pain. The first weekend with my kiddos gone in TEN years to visit their dad cross country...and I was laid up with muscle relaxants and tears.
Tears of disappointment and frustration that i wasn't able to enjoy the weekend. No Harry Potter movie - couldn't sit that long. No quilt show...couldn't stay up that long.
You know what I realized? I put myself last again. I was worried about missing work, so even tho I was in some pain thurs and fri...I went. If, at the first sign of muscle spasm, I had done what I should have - bed rest, ibuprofen, muscle relaxers and tried to get in for a massage....I still might have missed the weekend, but it wouldn't have been so painful. After a very long weekend of laying there hurting, dragging myself up to do prescribed exercise/walking ...I had a lot of time to think.
Think about why I put myself last....why I push myself through pain and injury when I could have easily taken the time off from work.
Because I don't value myself. I put myself last regardless of the options.
This. Must. STOP!
Calling in to work today, trying to get into a massage...and being gentle with myself..not just with my physical self either.
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