Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Got that first run in this a.m....I took it easy, stretched well after, and I'm glad it's done. Now I can go back to building my strength, time, and distance. Back at week 1 of C25K until I feel .... ready to move to week 2, LOL. Nice that it can be repeated ad nauseum until I'm ready!
Food is okay, not perfect....but the likelihood of my attaining perfection any time soon is pretty small - so I'll take "okay".
Slowly working on "me" time. Definitely working on rest - not cramming every minute of my day full is a habit.
A surprisingly hard habit to break, at that.
Monday, August 29, 2011
August is almost gone! Frankly, I'm ready. Ready for change, ready for something different!
I've begun work on my Radical Self-Care Manifesto....I've done some brainstorming and come up with three areas of self-care: Health, Balance, and Responsibility.
The last one is sort of funny, because the whole point of the project is to stop being so responsible to everything BUT me...this part of the project, responsibility ... is about responsibility to ME for things that make my life better.
I won't go on about everything, but some things I want to do for me, for FUN, for GROWTH, for a happy, VIBRANT, full life, include:
* Build a team and participate in Portland to Coast, a 130 mile relay walk
* Portland Marathon in 2014 - the year I turn 50. Walking it or walk/run is fine with me.
* Go to Disneyland
* Make quilts - and keep some of them!
* See a movie a month
* Orderly, well-maintained car...to take me where I wanna go!
My life has grown into a hectic mess...and I'm the one who did it! I'm so overwhelmed I frequently forget things, and then I feel I must be responsible to others instead of myself. This has, like weight gain, taken me a long time to arrive at this point. It will take a long time and work to get to a place of balance and vibrancy.
But I'm going to!
Tomorrow is my first day back to walk/run since my back went out, I'm sort of looking fwd to it, sort of dreading it.
On to Monday folks!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
As if I needed another reason to embark on a journey of self care, I had a crucial wake up call at my massage appointment yesterday.
Now let me start with this: Massage is a total luxury in my life. I'm dead broke just paying the bills and I don't have money for massage. Good thing I don't pay for it, LOL! I trade bellydance lessons to my massage therapist, an hour of my time for an hour of her time. That said, even tho it's "free" I often don't use my weekly appointment or give it to my partner. I think "I'm too busy for that hour today" and I put it off. One of the lines in my self-care manifesto is: USE your massage coupons!!!! So, even tho I was really tired, had a student coming in the evening and sort of wanted to reschedule it, I went.
And got a big wake up. She'd worked on my back last week when I was in pain, and this week I said I was pretty much pain free and working on getting back to normal.
When she began on my back in the problem area, she could still feel the knots, inflammation and problems. As she worked, one area not being touched began to "jump" - the muscle was fluttering and jumping all on its own and I laughed and mentioned it. She said "that's because it's getting blood again. I don't think you realize just how tight you are back here Lisa" Afterward she sat me down and said we needed to talk. This is not normal, LOL.
She said I am not better, I'm actually worse. She said some of those muscles (like the one that began to jump on its own) were so tightly seized they aren't getting appropriate blood/oxygen and I'm a walking time bomb for another back episode or worse. She talked about how my muscles are so tight that they are pulling on my bones, keeping me out of alignment. Finally she finished with "I think you are so used to this that it's "normal" for you now."
I walked out of there and felt my body and how it moved, and I knew she was right. I hold so much stress in my body that I'm in a permanent state of tightness. I MUST find ways to heal my body, heal my stress, and keep healthy...
Lastly, I saw on Facebook a woman I only new peripherally (friends' friend, not mine) has died of a massive heart attack. She was 2 years older than me and in better shape/health...but her life was stressful crazy like mine.
Ring ring ring ring. That's the alarm going off. It's time to wake up....and work on the body that's going to get me into all my tomorrows.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I pulled my back 14 days ago. Every day since then, I've had pain....from immobilizing to nagging aching.
Today is the first pain-free morning and I'm damn near giddy with it! I surprised myself with the first thought of "oooh, I could run today!!!" and felt excited about it, LOL.
I'm not going to push it tho. I've had constant pain for days, I'm going to stick to my "no running till I'm relatively pain free for one week" decision.
The constant aching and pain really zapped my motivation and made it REALLY difficult to be positive. A small taste I'm sure of what my friends with fibro and really bad arthritis deal with day in and day out for weeks/months/years at a time.
My dance troupe has an art walk performance this Saturday night, and I was truly afriad of it. Afraid for one, I would be laid up with pain right through it and not put on a decent performance much less enjoy it at all. Today, I have a glimmer of hope I can bring more of my best to it AND have a good time doing it!
My kids fly back in late tonight from their two-week visit with their dad in Florida. Two weeks out of 9-10 years hasn't been much of a break, but I do feel better emotionally. My son apparently showed some of his bipolar colors there, lol - which I think is probably good. Good his dad can see how much his kid NEEDS him and hopefully begin stepping up to the plate more.
Eh. A girl can dream can't she??
Friday, my partner flies out to Louisiana to visit her family for 19 days. That begins my "Jump Start To Radical Self Care". Self care including down time, rest, creativity and EXERCISE and HEALTHY FOOD. While I'll miss her of course, I'm excited about "my time" too.
Still no call on the jobs. She volunteersat one of the county offices she has applied at, and someone took her aside and said they had 300+ applications, and it's taking a lot of time to go through them and decide who to interview (three weeks no less). They have not even begun interviewing. We really, really need her to get a job SOON...so your continued thoughts are very, VERY appreciated.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Not looking forward to Monday, even tho I usually do.
Emotions in a knot. Last night, someone that I have repeatedly given "scholarships" for my dance classesn was a lil ugly to me. My first reaction was, "seriously? after I have given you classes for FREE literally more times than I can count?"
When I was young and married, my husband was very selfish. It was okay for HIM to spend money in any way, but he resented me spending a dime. To keep the peace, I barely spent a penny. Finally he came down to refusing money even for my dance classes, which were basically my sanity. My teacher then gave me classes for free - because she knew my desire to dance and his refusal. To give back then, I give complete or partial scholarships to women who love to dance...but can't due to finances.
So, I reminded myself I was kind to this woman as a way of honoring MY teacher..I did it because I felt it was right and certainly not for any kudos or whatever.
But her words went straight to my heart. One of my first reactions was, FINE, I won't be giving classes to anyone anymore...see what happens??
But that's not true. I will continue...because there are women out there who need it and again, I can honor someone who did it for me.
I just feel sad and hurt. This has been a really sucky summer. Perhaps I'm not sad to see the end of it after all!
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