Saturday, January 14, 2012
Remember those hair color commercials, where the end tag was "because I'm worth it!"
This has always been a hard thing for me to grasp...that I'm worthy. Oh, I know why, and that is a long and sad story filled with a parent with mental illness, abandonment, and abuse. At 47, I'm still struggling with self esteem and worthiness issues.
Interestingly, I coach - sort of a bellydance meets life coach thing - and I am very good at helping other women move past their crap and take care of themselves.
Crazy, huh? When I can help others...but I can't help myself.
As I contemplated new year goals - no I'm still not done, LOL - I knew exercise had to be a big one. And not, unfortunately, the 10 min a day kind. I've been slowly gaining over the last few months and the reality is, I sit for 8-10 hours a day for my job, with very little opportunity to get up and move around. 6 nights a week, I do some kind of dance - either teaching, coaching, or my own dance or a workout, but overall, it's not getting me aerobically fit.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again now, yes, small changes do add up....but for some of us, they don't do the job we need done. I need a minimum of 30 min a day of raised-heartbeat, breaking-a-sweat exercise, period. And I'm not getting it. The dance stuff is too start/stop - it doesn't get my heartbeat up and keep it up.
It's winter, dark and cold and - if the weatherman is right - snow will finally be arriving. All that means that my morning walks aren't going to happen. Good intentions to do a workout DVD don't always get me there, because my house is full and there are always soooo many interruptions.
So I considered some kind of gym membership. I researched the local options. And for about a week, I have warred with myself. Not about the cost, because some significant changes happened and I actually could do it with no problem (YAY!). It was about should I put that kind of time into myself. It takes TIME to go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week. I typically put my energy and my most precious commodity, time, to other people. Not myself.
And look where that's gotten me? 250 pounds on a 5 foot body, worsening arthritis, and I can't do the things I want to do.
So after about 5 days of thinking, deep thinking about myself and who I am and why I am this way, and what would it be like to really invest in ME...I went to the local park and rec last night and bought a family membership for 3 months. I got the basic package, everything but fitness classes. Weight room, cardio room and pool.
Typically I am exhausted. I get up at 5, work on choreography or coaching materials for students, get to work by 7, I come home at 4, take a nap till 5ish, get up and deal with whatever dance student I'm training, have dinner and fall into bed. I am well aware, it takes energy to make energy. That if I exercised, I would feel so much better and have more energy. So...instead of coming home for that nap, my 17yo (who is a fitness fanatic - takes 2 workout classes at school and does hard core ROTC) will be going to the gym on the way home. I can trade off from pool to weights to cardio.
I'm investing in me. Yep, part of me is still screaming internally - terrified at what might happen if we focus on ourself.
I told her to shut up.
Monday, January 09, 2012
So last week, I got back on the food program my doctor recommended last fall and began exercising again.
This a.m, I weighed exactly the same as I did last Monday. Now, I could have let myself get down about it, and I'll be frank, I teetered on the brink of self pity for a tiny bit.
But then, I thought, let's make this an experiment! Okay, so you ate as well as you could have this week, all things (no money) considered. You exercised quite a bit and worked up a sweat 4 x this week. What can you add to this equation? Did you drink the water? Um, no. Okay, let's add that! Did you take all your meds and prescribed supplements? Umm, uh, no I didn't. Well then, add those two.
Just those two things on top of planned eating and exercise, and let's see what NEXT Monday's weigh in holds...
Woo hoo. :)
Monday, January 02, 2012
In 2009, my dad died. I dedicated 2010 to being a year of no regret. Of not ending the year regretting that I didn't take better care of myself, that I didn't live life to the fullest.
2011 did not succeed in either of those arenas. When I weighed in for the first time in about 6 weeks, I was up 10 pounds, no joke and I believe it, because my clothes are not fitting.
So, I'm carefully planning 2012 to be another year of no regret. Went and stocked up on healthy foods, and so far, so good.
My resolutions are going to be carefully planned to be reasonable and doable...and I don't want to rush them. They may take me all month to decide upon.
Hanging in there. Life continues to be .... life. Difficult and challenging, with some wonderful things in there too. Here's to no regrets when 2013 rolls around.
Monday, December 26, 2011
I guess part of getting older is wonder how the year flew by so fast...
I'm thinking about what I've learned this year. Some of it I didn't appreciate learning...but no knowledge is wasted in my opinion.
In no specific order:
1) When I don't take my antidepressant, vitamin D, or progesterone...I am more tired, crabbier, and less productive. No likey.
2) I make a mean veggie omlet. Likey.
3) It's very expensive to think you are having a heart attack and go to the hospital. Worth it, mind you to go...but very expensive. Also scary. Again, no likey.
4) Ill health can befall anyone...and in the end our health makes everything else we want to do more or less possible. The silver lining in this is that while we can't control all our risk factors for health problems, disease etc, a healthy body fights better against those things and we do have power to change. Mostly likey.
5) When I "rest" too much...my body hurts. When I don't have some kind of cardio/movement going on, preferrably to a sweaty state, at least 3 x a week....my arthritis rages, my back hurts, and my stamina drains right away. This would be where I am right now. Very very much, no likey.
6) Learning to love myself, warts and all, is truly getting easier. This is pretty profound frankly, after a lifetime of rigid self-criticism and poor self esteem. Am I "there" yet? um, no, most definitely not. Am I better at it than I was last year? YES. Likey.
The inactivity = pain, stoved up joints, and increased fatigue has meant I'm trying to get back on the horse and workout every a.m., even if it's only for 20 minutes. Working on health, health, and health.
How about you? What is an end 'o year thought for YOU?
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