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Another day...another 10 cents

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Work is really cramping my style, lol....lots of things I'd like to be doing today, but I'll be responsible and do my thing, get my hours, and earn my pennies.

Things with son are a bit better...we've gone back to a highly structured routine, which seems to really help him. He'd done well for awhile and we'd slipped out of it...and here we are. Not out of the woods by any means, but on the right track.

Last night at troupe rehearsal, I could really FEEL I have more energy, that was VERY COOL!! When I danced at Taj Palace Friday night, I danced for about 8-9 minutes (that dosen't sound long, but to me it is LONG) and while I did have my asthma flare when I was done, usually I wouldn't have made it much past 5 minutes, so that is also a huge improvement! SP is working it's good juju on me, fer sure! :)



Monday, November 05, 2007

Having problems with my 11-year-old son....feeling overwhelmed and worried.

His disrespectful mouth is taking him over...he's lying....some manipulative behavior going on.

I feel like he is right on the edge - where I could lose him.

He is a sweet kid with an anger management problem dating back to first he is as tall as I am, not that that is saying much, but it also means I can't physically MAKE him do something....

Calling around to see about therapy for him- again. Also going to call Big Brother/Big Sister andsee if I can get a man in his life. His dad is an alcoholic on the other side of the country....and there are just no men in his life outside of school, and obviously, that is not enough. I've tried getting him into sports, scouting other things where he could build relationships with men, but he didn't like it.

I just see so much resentment in him....and this weekend was BAD.

i don't know what to do. Turned to food over it too, which really just brings me lower than I can explain. I had such a great week...felt strong....then this stuff with him just pushed me right back to the food.

It's monday. Time to get to work and earn my pennies. Feel more like hiding in the bed.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARTY611 11/5/2007 9:10PM

    My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for this chaos in your life.

I had a student in my class for 3 years (2xs as a 5th grader and 1x as a 6th) who was the most angry student I had ever met. He had a mom and a dad that both taught at a local university and they tried everything to "help" him. No one could seem to find what is was that he needed. I cannot tell you how many times his mom would pick up her son from school in tears because she was afraid to bring him home. I longer work at the school but he is no longer there either since finally the best decsion has been to send him to a VERY structured theraputic school.

My point is not that you send your son away, or that would even be an option for you (I don't know) but that you are not alone. This was not my son, I have no children, but that did not stop me from sharing in the pain of wanting to help this young boy who scared the pants off me at times.

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2BSKINNY4ME 11/5/2007 9:05PM

    It looks like you are in need of a hug today as well!!!
{{{ HUGS}}}}}

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NOREGRET2010 11/5/2007 10:19AM

    Oh, believe me....many loss of priviledges have occurred.

By physically making him do something...I'm referring to stopping him whaling blows on his sister....breaking things...when he physically lashes out...I do not have the advantage any more of stopping him.

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AMLDIXON 11/5/2007 8:37AM

    I hope positive changes come your way with your son! It has got to be hard being a single parent with a tween. BB/BS is a great idea. Some of my friends are active with that and they love every minute because they get to help others that remind them of that age/stage.

Maybe some solid one on one time with you throwing the football or training for a fun 5k together would help? Anger issues are definitely sad to see, especially in our kids whom we love so deeply. It is nice to see a parent taking the necessary steps to help their child before it is too late.

Remember that we shouldn't physically have to make our kids do something and tough love of taking away video games or any other prized possession would work better as at that age aren't they testing their parents every day and then feel guilty if they make one of them cry which makes them even more angry and take it out on the one consistent person in their life....a parent.

I say this from experience as I was out of control at 14...three years later than your child but I was angry all the time. Fought with my mom all the time and was pretty much all around nasty.

I wish you the best of luck!

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HUSKY_HANK 11/5/2007 8:35AM

    Hang in there. *hugs*

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Working it....

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I'm on my own little mini streak and I love the momentum!! I keep messing with the same pound or so the last week, BUT I lost an inch in my waist and half inch off my hips, so I'm not obsessing....much, lol.

Joining the Lesbian Cafe challenge was the best thing I could have done for myself. The first challenge I joined, back to school, really got me tracking again, and that was a huge step. it's so easy for me to slide off SP without intending to...keeping up with the Challenge really keeps me active on the site!

Challenging myself to stay in the top 20 on the LC leaderboard has also really made a difference. I'm not terribly competitive, so one-one-one challenges haven't done too much for me, but challenging MYSELF seems to work pretty good.

It's a new week....and I'm committed to working my program with SP! hoooo RAH!! GOOOOOO MARINES!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUSKY_HANK 11/5/2007 8:21AM

    Yeah for losing inches!

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READYCANADIAN 11/4/2007 2:57PM

    I look forward to your your blogs, SARHARA64. Keep working it sista!

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Made it through

Saturday, November 03, 2007

So...the performance last night is over and done. I did well enough. I tend to be a perfectionist about my own dancing...I can be much more supportive and forgiving of other's dancing than my own.

Mostly what I remembered was the students and friends who came, came because they love bellydance and they love me. I didn't have to be perfect, that was my own restriction, not theirs.

Perfectionism has dogged me my entire life and I'm sure has a lot to do with where I am with my weight - if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't do it, period.

This a.m.'s healthy reflection was about persistance, really struck home. Persistance, not perfection is going to help me attain my goals - weight, dance and otherwise.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANDINI/PATTI 11/3/2007 3:53PM

    Well, I'm glad it went well - and yes, the people there loved YOU, not the perfection of what you did. Chill!!!!

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READYCANADIAN 11/3/2007 2:10PM

    I understand what you mean about being tough on yourself....I have beaten myself up one too many times. We'll get it done, SAHARA64! One day at a time. Congrats on facing your fear...and coming out the other side with a smile on your face.

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HUSKY_HANK 11/3/2007 11:21AM

    Glad things went well.

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Dancing tonight....

Friday, November 02, 2007

So....I bellydance. More specifically, I teach two classes, run a beginner student troupe and a "professional" troupe (meaning we compete, etc), and have private students.

In the last year, I've been so down on myself because of my weight..I haven't been doing solo performances much at all. It's become this huge THING in my mind....feeling inadequate.

Tonight, I'm soloing at a local restaurant that has bellydancers on Fridays. I thought a few people would show up...but it sounds like all my students are showing and bringing friends - meaning a packed audience.

I'm nervous. Really nervous.

My partner went home to Louisiana a week ago. They do not understand her being gay, and most of them do not understand her wife being a bellydancer! She showed our wedding pics...and one aunt said "oh my god Jodie...Lisa is HUGE!! She must weigh at least 250 pounds...and you say she belly dances?? That's awful!!"

While I've largely put her nastiness behind me...I have to admit it has really affected my confidence for this evening. Yep, I'm fat. I'm 5 feet tall and weigh 244 pounds. That makes me about as round as I am tall!

I tell my students that size has nothing to do with talent, and I believe that, except apparently when it comes to myself. Working hard on letting go...enjoying my time tonight...but I'm feeling the anxiety.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

G.I.JANE 11/2/2007 6:38PM

    I am sure all will go great and you will forget about those nasty statements as you are gonna have a great time! Have fun!

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READYCANADIAN 11/2/2007 3:51PM

    You'll be awesome....just focus on a few friendly faces / smiles and feel the music. Your anxiety will melt away. Have fun!

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SAFEHAVEN 11/2/2007 10:55AM

    Everyone has an opinion however the fact remains those opinions that should matter to you are the ones who love you for who you are and want the best for you. So, does Jodie believe in you? Do your students believe in you and anyone else that matters to your heart believe in you? Then you should believe in yourself! :-) Apparently, those that are showing up to see you are because they believe in you and accept you for you! HAVE FUN! ENJOY THE TALENT YOU ARE GIVEN!

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HUSKY_HANK 11/2/2007 10:08AM

    I am sure you will rock tonight. Definately let us know how it goes. Good Luck

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