Saturday, May 19, 2012
"I want you to have a workup by an endocrinologist because of your weight and your metabolic syndrome (i.e. insulin resistance)."
So, that's what I'll do.
I didn't go in for weight, I went in for a med refill. He said, "so, do you exercise?" and I told him I dance 3-4 nights a week, I joined Curves, and i walk a couple times a week. He said "And you aren't losing weight?" and I said no...and started to say "and I don't eat a lot either!" and he cut me off and said, "no i don't think you do...i think it's time for an endocrinologist to look you over. Your belly fat really concerns me, if you are doing that much exercise, you should be able to eat quite a bit and still not be this heavy, I think it's time for metformin or whatever he thinks needs to happen. I think you are in that critical window...the next time I see you, you might be diabetic".
I cried. But in some respects, it was justification. I burn a lot of calories a week, sometimes I don't bother logging it all, but I do a lot. I'm pretty damn careful about my food, and in the last month have gave up wheat - meaning no bread, no pasta, no flour. I have cut way, way back on potato. Upped my exericise even more...and lost no weight.
If seeing an endocrinologist will help, I'm there. We reviewd my blood work, and yep, my hormones continue to be effed up. Overloaded on estrogen, too much testosterone, and other hormones/hormone controllers out of whack. Between that and the insulin resistance, I'm facing an uphill battle to lose weight. Yes, I've heard that before, and no, it doesn't really encourage me, LOL. I said, Then why bother with an endocrinologist if this is just the reality of my life? he said, "because there are new drugs, new things out there to help you, and I think it's worth a try". Okay. One more time. I'll try.
Today, I did curves, 3rd time this week. I'm learning the times I prefer going, less people, less perky staff, LOL. I just want the music loud, and leave me alone and let me do my thing! I don't want to chat, I just want to sweat for 30 minutes and get out of there.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Yesterday was my son's 16th birthday. We went to the movies (where I indulged in popcorn) and had pizza. I did NOT want to track my food after that. God knows, I felt like crap after eating pizza, even tho I got the "de-lite" crust that was more like a sheet of paper than crust! But I decided to just do it, and .... I ended up only 100 or so calories over for the day. The nutrition wasn't there, that's for sure, but the ginormous calorie load I'd imagined didn't manifest either.
But again, I'm noticing I felt like crap. Note to self: Wheat. Not my friend.
Today: Curves. I have an appointment to do my first full workout, with a staff member keeping an eye on me for form and using the equipment safely. That certainly wasn't how they did it when I did Curves years ago, and I think it's great. Going at a different time of day, curious to see what the clientele is like at a different day/time. Will everyone be 75 again, LOL? Then again, I'm thrilled there are 75 year olds working out, that is AWESOME! It just made me feel...old. Really old. And incredibly...um...old. But, even if it is all old ladies (discussing church unendingly)...it's a chance to get some momentum going, and God knows, I need some momentum.
Starting to walk daily for prep for the annual 5K on June 3. Wow. Did I lose my walking stamina over the winter. Actually, just in the few weeks since my community center pass expired and I stopped using the treadmill...wow. Starting over again, at least that's how it felt.
Lucky that I can start over again tho. So I'll take it! Feeling a lil blue and overwhelmed this week. Jodie is in Louisiana visiting her family, finances have been tight as all get out, and I've just been...sorta low. Trying to use this time while she's gone to focus on ME and my HEALTH. I'd say I'm doing it, but I'm struggling with some unrealistic expectations.
Patience and perseverance. I just keep saying that to myself.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Today is Mother's Day. It's a mixed bag for me. In the US, the phrase "Mom, baseball and apple pie" comes to mind. But when your mom wasn't an "apple pie" mom, but was devastatingly mentally ill and abusive, well, today triggers memories of cards and gifts not being "good enough". Of being berated for not getting the right kind of flowers or a plant without enough blooms. Of screaming meltdowns.
On the bright side of all that, I had four beautiful children of my own and if I can say nothing else, I can say I broke that cycle - My children are happy, confident young people who don't hold the same scars I do. This a.m., my 15-year-old son made me scrambled eggs and coffee....this from a teen who typically would rather go hungry than fix his OWN food, much less someone else's. LOL. My daughters have made my day special with small gifts and love.
Their memories of Mother's Day will be of me smiling and saying how proud of them I am and how much I love them. A far cry from my own. That's something to be proud of, and I am.
Now, on to health. Fleeting, elusive health.
Yesterday, i signed up for a 30-day free trial at Curves. It was...so so. The staff member who walked me through the routine was so incredibly chirpy and bouncy, I thought I would scream, LOL. "Can you feel that? Can you feel it? Isn't it GREAT? Do you FEEL IT?" argh. As an introvert, I felt like she was so far in side my personal space bubble I couldn't breathe. But hey, she was positive!! The other patrons consisted entirely of much older women who animatedly discussed church the entire 45 minutes I was there (I'm lesbian, I've been hounded out of churches and my family of origin won't speak to me because of my "sin".) While I'm sure these are lovely older women, it made me anxious. The workout, however, was good. And in the end, that's what I'm there for, right? My knees have degenerated to the point we had to avoid two of the machines entirely due to instant pain. Perhaps after I get stronger, I will be able to add them in, or maybe not. I figure I have 30 free days to figure out does this work for me, will I do it, and will I see results.
I really want to see results. The video from a local dance show I did two weeks ago was posted and I asked for it to be removed. When I saw it, I cried. That's not what I want for myself. This body isn't what I want for myself.
Still off wheat, tho going completely grain free is troublesome when the food budget is low. I'm used to padding that budget with sandwiches and pasta. That's much harder to avoid than the cakes and cookies I used to focus on avoiding. It's worth it tho, DO feel better. I have lost 2" off my waist and almost that off my hips. But more than anything, I feel better when I'm not eating the wheat. Makes it easier to stick with when I have some positive outcome, especially when there hasn't been a significant weight loss.
I signed up for a 5K that I have done several years in a row, Heaven Can Wait, benefiting a local breast cancer non-profit. The walk/run is June 3. Today as part of Mother's Day, the two teens at home and I will walk part of the route to start training.
Right now, I just keep reminding myself: Patience and Perseverance. Keep going, keep trying, and the change will come. The skills will come. It will get easier.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
One of the things I really didn't want to hear last year after my round of tests was "cut out the bread, the flour, the pasta, and the potatoes".
This was because of my borderline diabetic results and blood sugar problems. She felt these things are causing blood sugar spikes...keeping me hungry for one, and keeping my glucose too high all the time overall.
I quit them...for about a month. I felt greatand was losing weight! Then...I began cheating a little. Still felt good...but stopped losing weight...then I gave up completely...
and I'm right back where I started.
So yesterday, I pulled the "wagon" out of the shed, hitched it up..and ...I'm back on the wagon. No bread, flour, pasta or potatoes for over 24 hours now. And, again, she was right. I'm not constantly hungry. I eat a variety of lean proteins, veggies and fruit..and I feel good.
Give in to the temptation of a "treat"...and I start feeling yucko. You'd think I would learn: Follow her suggestions and feel good. Don't follow her suggestions and feel like crap.
Shouldn't be hard, now should it?
Monday, April 16, 2012
If you've seen my motivation hanging around...would you send it home?
I need it.
No exercise, no dancing. No preparing for a show I have in 13 days.
I MUST get off this apathy ride I seem to be trapped on.
Funnily, I spend several hours a week coaching and motivating OTHER dancers....and I can't seem to motivate MYSELF.
It's sort of freakin' embarrassing if you want the truth.
"Which do you prefer? The pain of self discipline, or the pain of regret?" Well, if I don't get my butt in gear, it's going to be a lot of pain of regret.
No one can do it but me. No one can make me do anything. No one can motivate me in the end...but me.
However, I'm going to be hitting some serious spark people time trying to find some INSPIRATION.....
I'm also going to spend a few minutes writing myself a letter about how disappointed I'm going to be if I don't do something soon...
I'm in a RUT. Ugh!
Okay, spark people peeps...how do YOU get out of a rut? How do YOU dredge up that indefineable thing that gets you off your butt and out of your head...and on your feet? Help! Share your tips, tricks, and secrets!
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