Sunday, May 13, 2012
Today is Mother's Day. It's a mixed bag for me. In the US, the phrase "Mom, baseball and apple pie" comes to mind. But when your mom wasn't an "apple pie" mom, but was devastatingly mentally ill and abusive, well, today triggers memories of cards and gifts not being "good enough". Of being berated for not getting the right kind of flowers or a plant without enough blooms. Of screaming meltdowns.
On the bright side of all that, I had four beautiful children of my own and if I can say nothing else, I can say I broke that cycle - My children are happy, confident young people who don't hold the same scars I do. This a.m., my 15-year-old son made me scrambled eggs and coffee....this from a teen who typically would rather go hungry than fix his OWN food, much less someone else's. LOL. My daughters have made my day special with small gifts and love.
Their memories of Mother's Day will be of me smiling and saying how proud of them I am and how much I love them. A far cry from my own. That's something to be proud of, and I am.
Now, on to health. Fleeting, elusive health.
Yesterday, i signed up for a 30-day free trial at Curves. It was...so so. The staff member who walked me through the routine was so incredibly chirpy and bouncy, I thought I would scream, LOL. "Can you feel that? Can you feel it? Isn't it GREAT? Do you FEEL IT?" argh. As an introvert, I felt like she was so far in side my personal space bubble I couldn't breathe. But hey, she was positive!! The other patrons consisted entirely of much older women who animatedly discussed church the entire 45 minutes I was there (I'm lesbian, I've been hounded out of churches and my family of origin won't speak to me because of my "sin".) While I'm sure these are lovely older women, it made me anxious. The workout, however, was good. And in the end, that's what I'm there for, right? My knees have degenerated to the point we had to avoid two of the machines entirely due to instant pain. Perhaps after I get stronger, I will be able to add them in, or maybe not. I figure I have 30 free days to figure out does this work for me, will I do it, and will I see results.
I really want to see results. The video from a local dance show I did two weeks ago was posted and I asked for it to be removed. When I saw it, I cried. That's not what I want for myself. This body isn't what I want for myself.
Still off wheat, tho going completely grain free is troublesome when the food budget is low. I'm used to padding that budget with sandwiches and pasta. That's much harder to avoid than the cakes and cookies I used to focus on avoiding. It's worth it tho, DO feel better. I have lost 2" off my waist and almost that off my hips. But more than anything, I feel better when I'm not eating the wheat. Makes it easier to stick with when I have some positive outcome, especially when there hasn't been a significant weight loss.
I signed up for a 5K that I have done several years in a row, Heaven Can Wait, benefiting a local breast cancer non-profit. The walk/run is June 3. Today as part of Mother's Day, the two teens at home and I will walk part of the route to start training.
Right now, I just keep reminding myself: Patience and Perseverance. Keep going, keep trying, and the change will come. The skills will come. It will get easier.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
One of the things I really didn't want to hear last year after my round of tests was "cut out the bread, the flour, the pasta, and the potatoes".
This was because of my borderline diabetic results and blood sugar problems. She felt these things are causing blood sugar spikes...keeping me hungry for one, and keeping my glucose too high all the time overall.
I quit them...for about a month. I felt greatand was losing weight! Then...I began cheating a little. Still felt good...but stopped losing weight...then I gave up completely...
and I'm right back where I started.
So yesterday, I pulled the "wagon" out of the shed, hitched it up..and ...I'm back on the wagon. No bread, flour, pasta or potatoes for over 24 hours now. And, again, she was right. I'm not constantly hungry. I eat a variety of lean proteins, veggies and fruit..and I feel good.
Give in to the temptation of a "treat"...and I start feeling yucko. You'd think I would learn: Follow her suggestions and feel good. Don't follow her suggestions and feel like crap.
Shouldn't be hard, now should it?
Monday, April 16, 2012
If you've seen my motivation hanging around...would you send it home?
I need it.
No exercise, no dancing. No preparing for a show I have in 13 days.
I MUST get off this apathy ride I seem to be trapped on.
Funnily, I spend several hours a week coaching and motivating OTHER dancers....and I can't seem to motivate MYSELF.
It's sort of freakin' embarrassing if you want the truth.
"Which do you prefer? The pain of self discipline, or the pain of regret?" Well, if I don't get my butt in gear, it's going to be a lot of pain of regret.
No one can do it but me. No one can make me do anything. No one can motivate me in the end...but me.
However, I'm going to be hitting some serious spark people time trying to find some INSPIRATION.....
I'm also going to spend a few minutes writing myself a letter about how disappointed I'm going to be if I don't do something soon...
I'm in a RUT. Ugh!
Okay, spark people peeps...how do YOU get out of a rut? How do YOU dredge up that indefineable thing that gets you off your butt and out of your head...and on your feet? Help! Share your tips, tricks, and secrets!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
This week has flown!
Bijou the dog is waaaay better, my partner is finally getting better...and life has been hectic.
1) Put on a little makeup every day last week. Not quite so good this week, but still a huge improvement. Investing a few minutes into my self is good.
2) Meds - On track with allergy meds/antidepressant for a week. Finally. Now trying to add in some of the other things that make me feel so much better - Vitamin D and chondrotin/glucosamine.
What needs more attention:
The antidepressant is key to the rest. If I'm not taking it regularly, I fall into apathy and do none of it. Note to self: Take it. Doh.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
I'm here - I've logged in, spun the wheel, and started my day by at least thinking about my health.
No workout, had to take partner for CT scan due to the continuing woes with the concussion. Here's to hoping it all comes out negative, meaning she's "just" having a hard time getting over a nasty concussion and there's not a blood clot or something.
I did choose to say "No, I have a plan for dinner" when she suggested we "just" do drive through at McD's for dinner. Came home and made quiche instead. Calorie wise probably not the most healthy dinner, but it was made from real food, and that was my goal.
Going to make today day 3 in my run of "putting a little effort" into getting ready in the a.m. - because it makes me feel good, not because I need other people's approval, LOL.
Remembered to drink water yesterday, at least a few times.
All in all not a bad day.
1) Drink water again. What an idea....
2) Continue putting on a bit of a face before I leave the house
3) Organize a bit for upcoming commitments
4) Practice relaxing and not stressing over money. Stressing about it isn't going to change anything and only makes me feel crappy.
5) Take my meds. Can't emphasize that enough...such a simple thing that makes me feel better, gives me better coping skills, and I have energy when I take my vitamins.
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