Thursday, June 14, 2012
Really, I'm just tired. A largely sleepless night has left me bleary eyed and exhausted.
One of the doctors I work for had a terrible bike wreck and is in ICU - brain/head trauma, facial and rib fractures, on a ventilator after surgery to remove blood clots and pressure on the brain. Her prognosis is unknown. I think she's 54. A very active, vibrant woman.
Again this year, I'm reminded of the fragility of life....of how in 30 seconds, everything can change, whether it's an accident, a diagnosis, the loss of a loved one.
All we really have is the next beat of our heart, the next breath. Yet, we spend so much time worried about money, or status, or whose turn it is to do the dishes or take out the trash.
Yep, I'm maudlin...but 3 hours of sleep will do that.
So health wise, I've been avoiding wheat very well. Having a hard time with other "white carbs" like potatos and rice, but they aren't in excess. I'm working on being happy that I've avoided wheat so well this week and not beating myself up over a couple potatoes and a little rice.
That all or nothing thinking? It's responsible for part of my health issues. Learning to be more accepting of myself, enjoying the journey to health instead of making it all or nothing, is a better way for me to look at it.
I'm not weighing for awhile. I get too obsessed with the numbers and then I am ruled by the numbers, and I don't like that. I'm seeing some changes in my body, and I'll be measuring this weekend. The scale? Nope. Don't need it right now.
I've been doing a lot of interesting reading, thanks to suggestions from sparkers from other posts, thanks folks! Especially enjoying the Daily Apple.
Okay, I guess work isn't going to come to me...so I better pry myself up and get going. Have a fabulous day, and enjoy every minute, cuz that's all we've got, the next minute.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I'm home from a huge bellydance weekend - had an awesome time!
One intentional wheat item - Sunday night we had to eat while judging and they brought me a club sandwich and I ate it gratefully, LOL. Other than that, I refrained and didn't have to deal with digestive problems, whew!
After reading Wheat Belly and thinking a lot about food, how it's been altered so far from it's original state etc, I noticed people's body styles more. There was one group who danced multiple times as soloists and then as a group. They had literally explosive performance energy! They were amazing - and they had practiced long and hard, so they didn't really even break a sweat on stage when they did this incredibly high energy routines (the only words I have to describe it are: Salsa Freight Train at 110 MPH). And as I watched them I thought, like me, these women should NOT be overweight. To practice the amount they MUST to be that good and that high energy, they really should be able to eat quite a lot of food and not be that heavy. So, yet again, I am convinced that the quality of our food is changing our bodies and not for the better.
I got a lot of great feedback on my performance, my partner said it was the best she's ever seen from me which was really nice. I haven't watched it yet, not quite ready.
I was pleased to see a plethora of amazing women who were out there ROCKING the stage - and just happened to be curvy women. If you think it's hard to put on a swim suit and go to the pool when you are overweight, imagine, just imagine, putting on a belly dance costume, stepping on a stage and being JUDGED. So those women? They are rock stars in my eyes!
Now, back to real life. Whew. :)
PS another plus, I got to meet my first Spark Friend from online! A sparker who bellydances, woo hoo!!! :)
Friday, June 08, 2012
*Thank you, ever so much, for the very kind and supportive words yesterday, it means more than you can know.*
So, later today we're off to Belly Dancer USA - a longtime bellydance competition in Southern Oregon. My daughter will compete again, I'll judge categories, my partner will be her outgoing, funny self emceeing, I'll get to hang out with my oldest daughter who lives in the area, and I'll get to see, no kidding, around 100 of my closest friends, LOL.
Belly dance has brought me friendships that have lasted 30 years, many of them are our "Family of choice" - they replace the family we no longer have.
I'm DETERMINED to avoid wheat on this trip! I may not avoid sugar or potato stringently, but no wheat! I've been wheat free again for about 48 hours and I'm already starting to feel better - a spring in my step as it were - and I'm not going back!! I'm taking my raw almonds and stopping at a local store when we get close and getting my veggie packs, yogurt.
If you had told me I'd cut wheat out 6 months ago, willingly, I would have laughed in your face. I LOVE BREAD. I love to bake (hello, making cakes is a thing for me!). I've been addicted to bread my entire life.
That's the key I think, addicted. The things Dr. Davis writes about in Wheat Belly make so much SENSE to me...It gives me true hope. Yes, when I originally started this about a month ago, and I gave up wheat, I was dismayed that I didn't drop the weight people talk about the first week. In fact, I lost...nothing. But what I did notice? My belly began to .....
The fat - the firm adipose tissue of my significant belly - began to un-firm...to get softer, much less dense. I lost about 2 inches off my waist in 2 weeks! And I felt.. GOOD. I stopped needing to lay down after work for 30-60 min because I was sooooooo tired. Why did I go back, then you ask? Why eat wheat if I can see differences?
Um, well, it's a process. One, giving up your longest held addiction isn't easy, I was discouraged because I'd hoped for some immediate loss to cheer me on, and at the same time, my PCP was saying, "you really need a workup by an endocrinologist, I really think you need to be on metformin"....Between all that, I slid back into a lil wheat here and a lil wheat there.
After the disaster endo appointment, I knew - heck I knew sitting there listening to him drone on trying to sell me Medifast! - GO OFF THE WHEAT. Be patient. Enjoy FEELING GOOD again!
So, here I am. And...I'm not getting on the scale for awhile. Right now, the weight is sort of secondary to feeling good. If I feel good and have more vitality, more energy, heck with the scales. It will come in time.
As I jaunt off to see many sparkly people, LOL, and have a wonderful weekend, I'm truly motivated to Just. Say. No to WHEAT! (and over time getting more and more angry that everywhere I look I see "eat HEALTHY WHOLE GRAINS!!!" Thank you, thank you, for trying to kill us!)
I know, I'm rambling, but one more thing.....We watched X-Men the other night, and I was struck..the part where the nasty senator has been mutated, and he is getting sick and toward at his end, his body swells and he bloats up and then dissolves into a big puddle...that's how I've felt, that I was getting bigger and bigger, I had no control of stopping it, and I was going to develop into a huge blob and....explode. And I really, really, REALLY believe, if I kept eating those healthy whole grains....that's close to what would have happened to me, slowly and inevitably.
Now, so much to do! Have an awesome weekend Spark peeps!
Thursday, June 07, 2012
**This is not a weight loss journal entry. Those who only want to share that part of my journal may prefer to run along now. Come back tomorrow, and I'll post about that process.
I use this journal to chronicle my weight loss issues, but I've also written a bit about other issues in my life. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse. I have a child who has had mental health issues. I came out of the closet in 1998, after 14 years of marriage and 4 children.
Everything in our lives contributes to who we are. "That which does not kill us...." makes us...stronger. Crazy. it makes us a lot of things.
I broke off all relationship with my mother and her family about 10 years ago. Long story short: Her second husband was a pedophile, she agreed to participate/allow him access to me for financial security for herself. I was 5 years old and it continued for around 4-5 years...until apparently I got too old for him.
Ten years ago, I had a nervous breakdown. These are not "recovered" memories, unfortunately I've never forgot those things. I wish I could have. Rather, I pushed them as far back as I could into a taped up box in my mind and tried to pretend it didn't happen.
I was successful until I was about 32. Then suddenly, I couldn't NOT think about it. Barraged by constant images, sounds, smells, and memories. Once the faucet of memory was turned on....I couldn't shut it off. I lost about a month of work, and it took a good year of therapy and hard work to return to a "normal" life.
At that point, I chose to break off relationship with my mother. She has refused to admit responsibility, saying only, "it wasn't my fault". I could no longer have relationship with her if she couldn't admit her responsibility. That meant, I broke off relationship with her entire family - because they'd spent their entire lives protecting Rosemary - even when it meant turning their head when I went to some of them as a child.
People don't understand. "But that's your MOTHER!" Of course, they don't want to hear WHY I don't have relationship with my mother. It's uncomfortable.
My mother's family has begun a campaign to try to get me to see my mother. Her health is failing badly, and she likely is not long for this world. They found me through the internet and my dance website and have begun emailing me with pleas to see her.
Just the few emails this last week - it's brought so much roiling through me again. One aunt urged me to forgive....and I realized, mostly, i have forgiven my mother. For one, I know now she was profoundly mentally ill her entire life (another long story I won't go into). She made a terrible decision to not protect me. Perhaps I even forgive that.
But that doesn't mean I can have relationship with her. That doesn't mean I can see her.
as far as I'm concerned, the mother who loved and protected me died in 1970, when she married a pedophile and chose to not protect me. The person who is dying now....I'm sorry, but I can't see her. My own sanity and well being has been too hard won. I've built stability and sanity in my life. I simply can not open the door to crazy again.
Will I regret not seeing my mom before she dies? I don't believe so. Frankly, I've been grieving the loss of my mom for about 10 years now. Will it be hard when I finally hear that she is gone? Yes, I know it will.
Today's entry was brought to you by post-traumatic stress disorder, dysfunctional families, and the never ending quest to just keep trying to be the best person I can be.....
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
When you get back in the habit of eating garbage...sugar, white flour, etc...and then you cut it out again...you feel lousy. How much simpler to just not give in to temptation and eat the stuff you know isn't going to make you feel good?
I'm in the first day zone...headache, cravings and hunger. I've eaten completely on plan, and will have had a great day of tracked food. Just have to get through this first couple days of withdrawl......
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