Friday, June 29, 2012
I have a guilty pleasure - YouTube Makeup videos. I subscribe to a few "gurus" and enjoy watching them in the morning when I have my coffee.
Today, one of them lead to a YouTuber who was unpacking her first MediFast shipment. The thought processes that went through my head in just the 2 minutes of it that I watched were amazing.
"hmm. maybe I should try that again" (WTH??? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? - but honestly, it DID go through my brain first thing).
"Sigh. I've done that already. It was the same thing - I lost about 20 pounds then got stuck, then couldn't afford to keep going and ended up gaining it all back plus some."
"Good grief, what am I thinking? Why am I even watching this? I know full well I don't EVER want to pay someone for fake food again. Just say no!!" and I ended the video.
This is not to say I don't respect people's choices to try this and I know it works for some folks. It didn't work for me. And the harder I tried, and the lack of weight loss made me feel really BAD about myself. I was spending $ I couldn't afford and I STILL wasn't losing weight.
But, isn't it funny that my first thought was "hmmm....."? I think that mentality (what can I try next?) is definitely somewhat responsible for the start/stop journey I've had.
What's my TRUTH? My truth is this: It's taken me about 12 years to get to this weight. My hormones are all effed up - and I know this from a lot of expensive testing, not guessing. I'm hitting that lovely menopause phase where losing weight can be a real booger anyway. I am insulin resistant. I work a very sedentary job.
Losing this belly is going to take time. It's going to take dedication and more good days than bad days. It's going to mean continuing to avoid the wheat/grains that puff me up like a balloon.
I've tried the quick fixes, and they didn't fix anything. I'm in this for my LIFE. My vitality my health my life. I will continue to enjoy REAL FOOD - fruits and veggies, hormone-free antibiotic-free meats and proteins.
Whew. I feel like I sort of dodged an emotional bullet this a.m. I could have chosen the fork in the road that said "Here for quick fix (and quick disappointment!)".
never again. Period.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
What a long week it's been! Work has been crazy and we've been short staffed on top of it.
Some things have gone well and some things haven't. Food wise, I've done well until last night. You know that last day or two before payday where you have to just eat what's in the house, like it or not? That's where I've been. I've had a bit of wheat - when you're hungry, you're hungry.
Staying off the scale, but still feel like I'm seeing visible changes in my "wheat belly". Small, perhaps even tiny, changes, but changes.
Trying to stay positive has been a struggle. There are many wonderful things in my life, amazing loving people, etc. As my grandma would have said "you have no reason to be blue!" But, chronic depression is what it is....it knows no social class or income bracket and strikes even when things are good. Working on taking my antidepressant and supplements, reminding myself of all I'm grateful for, and cutting myself a little slack.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Last post was all about how change takes time and for once, finally, I'm not running to the scales all the time only to get discouraged by the numbers.
Then, this a.m., a change. Not in weight, but in my appearance. There's a little pre-story to this...
I gained almost all my weight in my belly. It was very round, very out in front of my body. Yes, everywhere else got fuller, but the belly...oh the belly. Round, very very firm and sticking out in front. You know, like I'm pregnant. SIGH.
A while ago, when I started making changes to my diet, a change in the belly happened. The bottom half of my belly - basically from belly button down - deflated some. No longer a smooth long curve, now it was firm on top and floppy on the bottom part. Sort of like going from a D to P shape.
Dead sexy let me tell you.
This a.m. in the mirror, I saw a change I've never seen - a change to the top half of the balloon belly, indentation on both sides ABOVE the belly button. A definite, visible, CHANGE. After no change for YEARS in the upper balloon belly.
There was a short mental war...Jump on the scale!!!! NO - just enjoy this change and don't make it about the numbers.
I chose to just enjoy the change.
I was motivated to lose the wheat/grains because I feel better, so much better, without them and as an insulin-resistant it helped me control my carbs so much better....and I said in my last post I was willing to continue even though I wasn't seeing weight changes.
But this was a lil' gift - A small thing that is huge to me.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Great change in the political and social realms takes time. It takes determination and time.
So why do I think I "should" be able to change a history of overeating instantly? That perfectionist, unrealistic thinking is likely to be the death of me - at the least death of hope and enjoyment of the journey of life and at most death by not getting my health under control and dying or being severely limited in my older years - which is a kind of death, suffering and being miserable and unable to do anything you want to do because you are trapped in a body that doesn't work right anymore.
I've eaten very little wheat in the last couple weeks - maybe once a week have I had a wheat item at all. That's a success, because I feel better. It's also a success because I definitely notice when I'm eating wheat on a regular basis my belly is blown up like a balloon. So, cutting wheat has resulted in feeling somewhat more energetic, having less bloat, and far less cravings.
And absolutely no weight loss, LOL.
If I was in this for a quick fix, I'd be discouraged about now and thinking of falling off the wagon (negative thinking like 'why bother'). But, I'm okay with it.
This a.m., when I stepped on the scale mostly just to see where I was with a mild curiosity if any weight loss had happened, I realized that before I would have (and did) panic when there was no weight loss. It lead to thoughts like "you aren't trying hard enough!!" and began a cycle of depression and self hatred because obviously I wasn't disciplined enough, strong enough, or smart enough.
Today I looked down at the scale, saw it was right there where it had been a few weeks ago when I weighed and instead of getting upset I thought...
'Huh. no loss. must be eating too many calories'. It wasn't an angry thought, or a guilty thought, or a hopeless thought.
Just acknowledgment - I still need to keep working on tweaking my food and I definitely need to keep tracking and working on lowering my calories per day. The fact is, the last couple weeks I've noticed even tho I've dropped wheat (and therefore a lot of carbs) - I'm still regularly getting too many calories and too many carbs.
Patience, Grasshopper. All change takes time.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Another day. Another chance to get it right.
Heart heavy, the person I mentioned with the head injury from a bike accident...isn't going to make it. They are going to remove life support early next week. Find myself being teary.
Food has been good on the wheat front, okay on the rest. Calories continue to be over by a couple hundred a day. Carbs are going lower - it's a process right? Working on including a variety of fruits and veggies - I have a habit of eating the same ol thing all the time, so variety is good!
Having some post-event depression - You know when you work really hard for something and all your attention is focused on it...then it comes and finally goes you are left going..now what? I actually have plenty of "what" coming up, LOL, but many things have to wait for something to begin....
Working on creativity and growth in dance - progress not perfection. Pretty much a theme in my life!
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