Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Oh good grief.
I had to run to the store on my lunch for a couple of things I'll need for dinner tonight. Who do I run into, but woman associated with the local dance scene.
When she sees me, she grabs my arm and says "I had a dream about you the other night!! I dreamed you lost a lot of weight! You were so happy you had tears in your eyes and I was so happy for you I cried too!" (this from a woman who has been extremely snide to me more times than I can count).
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said "oh, well....hmm, sounds like a good dream!" She then says to me "Did you have that birth control they put in your arm and leave there? My daughter had that and she ballooned up, just HUUUUUGE, just like YOU. She could never lose the weight after that...she just got bigger and bigger, LIKE YOU".
I made my escape. Do I think she was being "ugly" to me? No. I think she was thoughtless and entertained by the sound of her own voice. It was just one of those interactions that obese people have...that make you sad, hurt you, make you angry....and always enforces to me just how helpless I feel at times.
Nope, not gonna jump off a bridge or anything, LOL, nor jump into a Twinkie truck....just had to get it off my chest so it wouldn't fester there and make me feel bad the rest of the day.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Well, let's see - wow time has passed quickly since my last journal post.
Remember when you were a kid and summer lasted FOREVER? Now I'm "old" and I'm having a hard time understanding how we got to July 13 SO FAST!!
All in all, been doing really well! Sort of been going with the concept of "replace carbs/starchs with veggies" and that's gone well. Overall, I'm wheat free with an occassional indulgence (which usually leads to gastric distress of some sort - so it's getting easier and easier to avoid the wheat completely!).
Working on adding veggies to every meal, even breakfast, which for me has been a bit of a challenge. Fruit? You betcha, happy to add fruit always, but veggies? um. Not so easy. So I've been focusing on that.
Adding in more activity on the weekends, and when it's not scorching, walks with my partner (gotta get ready for Disneyland in October!). Slowly working on adding up to 5 hours a week exercise. I can easily hit 3, consistently getting 5 in has been a problem.
Pretty much stationary, lost about 2 pounds in the last few weeks. I haven't measured recently, but I am definitely noticing changes in my body, how it looks and how it feels. Nothing amazing - my pants aren't falling off, LOL, but I can SEE differences and that's pretty darn cool.
Overall, I feel so much better eating this way. Makes it much easier to do it!
Monday, July 02, 2012
I was thinking of Mondays. Of how my mom was on a perpetual diet - that would always begin on Monday. "Oh well, I'll start Monday...." was something I've heard not only from her but so many over the years..often being said on a Friday night...during a holiday etc.
What's one thing I've learned? Don't wait till Monday. Giving myself permission to pig out for 2 or 3 (or more!) days with the expectation that on Monday I would be magically motivated and able to jump right into whatever food plan I'd decided on...never benefited me in any way.
I've spent 3 of the last 4 weekends on the road at dance events. If I'd let those weekends "go" and planned on reigning myself in on Mondays I sort of shudder at the "cost".
Frankly I'm not losing weight right now for a multitude of reasons. But I'm not GAINING weight either. Run wild on the weekend and that might change, LOL!
Was I uber strict on my trips? Nope. I had an "adult beverage" on one of them, had a dessert on one or maybe two. Had drive thru coffee on all of them, LOL. But I didn't run wild. Each weekend, I used less and less wheat - until this weekend, I believe I was pretty much wheat free unless is was lurking someplace I didn't realize it.
And I didn't feel deprived or hungry. I enjoyed myself, I ate good food, and I didn't binge with the attitude "oh well, I'll start on Monday".
Sometimes, it's really tempting. Tempting to just let go and do whatever I want for a day or two...or three...or... yeah. I don't expect perfection out of myself, I've learned the hard way, it's not happening! I've been working on making conscious choices - and living with the consequences.
Today, I just don't like the consequences of waiting till Monday (or after the 4th, or whatever your thought process is). It's really just not worth it to me anymore.
I'd rather feel good....and not have the guilt, the bloat, the misery of waking up Monday hung over from binging or eating "food" that makes me sick.
But once again, I sure notice those mindsets haven't disappeared from my thinking, have they? or I probably wouldn't have written this post.....
Friday, June 29, 2012
I have a guilty pleasure - YouTube Makeup videos. I subscribe to a few "gurus" and enjoy watching them in the morning when I have my coffee.
Today, one of them lead to a YouTuber who was unpacking her first MediFast shipment. The thought processes that went through my head in just the 2 minutes of it that I watched were amazing.
"hmm. maybe I should try that again" (WTH??? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? - but honestly, it DID go through my brain first thing).
"Sigh. I've done that already. It was the same thing - I lost about 20 pounds then got stuck, then couldn't afford to keep going and ended up gaining it all back plus some."
"Good grief, what am I thinking? Why am I even watching this? I know full well I don't EVER want to pay someone for fake food again. Just say no!!" and I ended the video.
This is not to say I don't respect people's choices to try this and I know it works for some folks. It didn't work for me. And the harder I tried, and the lack of weight loss made me feel really BAD about myself. I was spending $ I couldn't afford and I STILL wasn't losing weight.
But, isn't it funny that my first thought was "hmmm....."? I think that mentality (what can I try next?) is definitely somewhat responsible for the start/stop journey I've had.
What's my TRUTH? My truth is this: It's taken me about 12 years to get to this weight. My hormones are all effed up - and I know this from a lot of expensive testing, not guessing. I'm hitting that lovely menopause phase where losing weight can be a real booger anyway. I am insulin resistant. I work a very sedentary job.
Losing this belly is going to take time. It's going to take dedication and more good days than bad days. It's going to mean continuing to avoid the wheat/grains that puff me up like a balloon.
I've tried the quick fixes, and they didn't fix anything. I'm in this for my LIFE. My vitality my health my life. I will continue to enjoy REAL FOOD - fruits and veggies, hormone-free antibiotic-free meats and proteins.
Whew. I feel like I sort of dodged an emotional bullet this a.m. I could have chosen the fork in the road that said "Here for quick fix (and quick disappointment!)".
never again. Period.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
What a long week it's been! Work has been crazy and we've been short staffed on top of it.
Some things have gone well and some things haven't. Food wise, I've done well until last night. You know that last day or two before payday where you have to just eat what's in the house, like it or not? That's where I've been. I've had a bit of wheat - when you're hungry, you're hungry.
Staying off the scale, but still feel like I'm seeing visible changes in my "wheat belly". Small, perhaps even tiny, changes, but changes.
Trying to stay positive has been a struggle. There are many wonderful things in my life, amazing loving people, etc. As my grandma would have said "you have no reason to be blue!" But, chronic depression is what it is....it knows no social class or income bracket and strikes even when things are good. Working on taking my antidepressant and supplements, reminding myself of all I'm grateful for, and cutting myself a little slack.
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