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Tuesday. More emotional I&D. Remembering Boston.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

IIRC, blogging really helped me lose the weight in 2008. So after yesterday's blogging the story, today will be focused on goals.

I know that I am feeling better and more focused now that I am no longer under the cloud of the evil job. I have had some space in which to sort things out.... and I have been using just about every means possible... drawing, writing, knitting, spinning, planning an Etsy store. The one thing that has been lacking, and should have been foremost, has been my exercise. Exercise has long been one of my central rock when times get tough, but I lost that core in the miasma of depression.

I think I am suffering PTSD to a certain extent, not like a battlefield soldier, but enough. We all have our own battles to face on any given day. It's important to not judge others, because what stops you dead in your tracks might not even stymie another... and vice versa. I have learned a great deal about compassion for myself and, insodoing, am finding more compassion for others.

I have learned that I'm not perfect... and I have found that I have to accept that. I have been a perfectionist all my life... more for myself than others. It's okay to be flawed.

So Miss Perfect has gained about 18 lbs since hitting her lowest weight in 2008. I'm not proud of this. The last 6-8 months have been especially difficult. I made the 2000 mile move after an exceptionally long hot summer in Missouri (which made it had to get out)... and then there were the 12 hour days (w/ commute) which found me so worn out & depressed that I just wanted to eat and not move. I needed a place in which I could let go and feel like I had control, and that was about all I had... or thought I had. What I *thought* I was controlling was really just another way of losing control.

So now I am in a safe place and I am remembering and enjoying taking control back over my life... real control. I have loosened my death grip on life & living so that I'm enjoying it all again. I'm counting calories more days than not and being honest about it. I'm concentrating on the little things like 8 glasses of water per day and 10K steps and staying in calorie range (or at least getting enough movement according to my FitBit to cover what I eat). Numbers are easy things for me to hang onto... I can see them and I know when they are right or wrong... whether I record it or not. "Above all, to thine own self be true." And blogging DOES make me more accountable.

I wish I was home and watching to Boston Marathon today. I did see some reporting about it this morning and I nearly cried seeing the picture of the survivors on the finish line. It brought back to my mind the poem I wrote last year and strengthened my resolve to go run the Boston Marathon 5K next year. I will also be meeting my longtime sparkfriend ANNIEONLI for the first time FTF. I'll see if I can find the poem and add it to this blog shortly.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOTTIEJANE1 4/15/2014 6:55PM

    Step by step , little by little you will become stronger .Looks like you are on your way . emoticon

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NITTINNANA 4/15/2014 5:11PM

    You have not missed BAA marathon, Jenni. Fabulous memorial service today (anniversary of). But it's the 3rd Mon for the race. Are you off then? Sorry things were so rough for awhile , but glad to see you Sparking again!

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Finding bottom and climbing out...

Monday, April 14, 2014

Well, I moved up to the Pacific NW with a great job, or at least what I *thought* was a great job. The work itself really wasn't that hard, but little did I know, the environment I was going to enter was to prove to be the MOST TOXIC work environment I have ever encountered... and mostly because of 2 people, my direct co-supervisors. So 20 days after my last blog I was fired.

The whole experience was brutal and I was pretty much paralyzed, battered & bruised emotionally from the experience. The official line is that that it was not a good fit, which is true, but it goes much deeper than that. I am not saying I was perfect or blameless, but it became clear fairly early on that nothing I did would be enough, let alone *good* enough. Everything I did was absolutely micromanaged and picked apart and it got to the point that I would get sick on the way to work out of dread. It drove me to seek counseling for depression and just trying to figure out how to cope. I started looking at myself and eventually started looking at the situation and saw that the best I could do was try to hang on.... and I got booted before I made it through the probationary period.

Before this job, the worst job I ever had would either have been as a cook in the Air Force, or as a dishwasher in a restaurant with b***chy waitresses. Honestly, I would go back to either of those jobs before I would go back to work for King County Public Health. At least the rules were clear... and the ground was solid one way or the other. I have never been so demoralized, humiliated or torn down in any job I have ever had. In addition, I got up every day at 6, was on the train by 7, getting back home on the train by 6 and then off to get groceries or other errands and into bed by 9. I was existing and not living, which only added to the stress of the situation. When the weekend came, I was so wiped out that I mostly slept and was a hermit in my apartment. This was all compounded by the fact that I was out here alone without family or kitties.

So I took a few days to lick my wounds before I started looking for a new job. I am blessed that we had enough money for me to slow down and breathe and not have that extra stress on my back. Luckily, my resume and references are exceptionally strong, so I was getting calls from headhunters before very long... and callbacks on my submitted resumes. I probably had a great job with amazing advancement potential at a job that was part time to start, but the commute was long and I was kind of done with long commutes. So instead I took a temporary job with a nursing agency as a school nurse in an LPN role... it's part time, but there are advantages... I am working close to home, I get to do something different everyday, it's part time but enough money for now, I'm not tied down to a permanent position and I love what I'm doing... the kids and staff I get the pleasure to work with. It's also giving me a chance to just kind of breathe and learn the area I'm living in better.

So, all in all, it was a good thing... but one in which you often can only see the advantages on the other side. The job got me out here where I wanted to be... it got me counseling that the bad job paid for (which they certainly should have, considering most of the stress was caused by them)... I got 2 new friends... and I got this job that I am loving. I have also rediscovered my love of art and creativity... and found time to do it. I also have new confidence in myself... which I have had to rebuild myself after they tried to take it from me.

My weight kept going up too. I was up to 160.2 just a few weeks ago. I am pretty much at a solid 158.2 right now. I dropped one morning on the scale to 156.6, but scales can be weird... so I feel confident in saying that I have lost 2 lbs. I have been mostly working on getting more active again... I pretty much sat for 6 months with minimal exercise. I am starting kind of slow, just trying to get in that precious 10,000 steps per day or at least 70,000 per week. It can be a challenge but it's getting better and easier.

I am also using my creative outlets when I feel I need to, or when I get a picture in my head. It's sort of like a bloodletting ala the Middle Ages... or a modern I&D (incision & drainage). Or Ron Weasley coughing up the slugs in the Harry Potter books, as Hagrid said, "Better out than in!"

I am starting to run again, which feels amazing, but during the month of February, my left knee kind of froze into place and got very stiff and painful. So I've been working that out, slowly. It's pretty much healed at this point... but I think my right side was compensating, so on my 2nd day of a Couch to 10K program, I pulled a muscle in my right calf, so now I'm recovering from that. I will (hopefully) restart that next week. Sigh. My next scheduled 5K is 24th May, so I have a few weeks to get back to running form.

Despite everything that has happened, I am optimistic. Life is good. Mark and the kitties arrived from Missouri the week after I was fired, which was the plan. So having part of my support system here has been amazing. We are also enjoying time together in a way that we've not had in years. Once this job assignment and my July Army assignment are over, we are planning on relocating to Portland OR.

Now that I am getting my MOJO back, I'm not going to let it go for a long time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSET09 4/15/2014 8:12AM

  emoticon We go through to get to and at first, I wasn't going to read your blog as it was a tad long! It would have been my lost and so glad that I read it! So feeling your pain as I had been with a company for 12 years and when they were bought out, the demands became more that I was willing to handle. The dread was there, getting up, getting dressed and going in. Well, my thinking was, I can get more money by being fired than a going away gift and have the Lord paved my way after that! (It helps that I already had a job lined up!) Imagine how that dreaded job put you in such a lighten path and a place where you wanna be. emoticon I loved my Air Force job and know that where we've been, brings us to where we are! emoticon and emoticon emoticon emoticon

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It's been a long time.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

My live has undergone a slew of changes since I last blogged:
*I am now living in Seattle, Washington
*I have a new job
*I have gained 15 lbs
*I am in a new Army unit
*I'm living alone until my husband can join me here
*My son will be graduating & joining the Air Force in May
*I am starting counselling

In some ways I almost feel like I've been hanging on by a thread in the last few months. I've been out here all by myself except for 2 weeks at Christmas, feeling lost, floundering and just not coping well. So I am fighting to get myself back on an even keel until a new normal can be established once Mark gets out here.

It's been very very hard and I am just now starting to feel like I have a grip. Getting my eating, especially in the evenings, under control has been awful. I also am having to restart my excercise program under very different conditions.

Before, I got off at 4:30 and was home by 5, leaving me plenty of time to work out, spend time with family, etc. And now I'm living alone and feeling like I barely have time to fit everything else in, let alone working out. Weekends that I have Army drill are a challenge too... they basically have me working a stretch of very long days, 12 in a row. My normal day here has me up at 6 and not home until 6... it's a long day.

Despite all that, I really do love it up here. It's fun and exciting to be in a new city. I even ran my first 5K in December, The Ugly Sweater Dash. It was a blast and I met some really nice people. My next race is scheduled for 26 December at Seward Park. My goal is to run some sort of race, fun or competetive every month this year. I will be running the Go Girl Run back in Missouri when I am home in May.

So it's a lot going on. I'm trying to get back into journalling, tracking, excercising and all the things that I know work to get this 15# off!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOTTIEJANE1 1/20/2014 1:16PM

    Wow you have a lot going on. But I know that you will get the 15 pounds off . Girl emoticon When you can you should visit Pike peir

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JEWELS571 1/15/2014 12:15PM

    You can do it!! You have had a lot to cope with, but you are back now and you can drop that 15 pounds and you will!

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DEEEBEE 1/15/2014 12:27AM

    I missed hearing from you, and glad to know you're doing okay. I think it's always difficult having to move, make hundreds of adjustments, not seeing your husband, being alone, being overworked (12-hour days!), and probably there's not much sunshine in Washington. I think as things fall into place, you will acclimate and get back in the groove again and feel more like yourself.

Best to you!

DeAnne, Missourians Team

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Gonna blog it today!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

So much has been going on, blogging has been kind on the back burner lately. Writing much of anything anywhere has been on the back burner.

I had interviews with the Seattle/King County Department of Health Monday this week and the Washington County DHHS (Oregon) on Tuesday. I think both of the interviews went well. So now I am just waiting to see if I get a job offer in the first instance or a call for a 2nd interview in the latter. I don't know how this is going to go exactly, but I do feel like I will be moving soon. The coincidences and synchronicity surrounding all this has been really weird. Things just falling into place... I "feel" the movement, if that make any sense at all. My mind is just wrapped up thinking about what to pack and finding an apartment, etc. But the reality is that I don't know until I hear something.

So I am having to adopt what I am calling the Peace of Patience:

I have never been good at waiting and having patience with the process that must unfold in its own time. In the meantime, I try to breathe deep, swallow hard and run... run a lot.

I am really doing better at getting back on track after kind of a crappy summer. I was really sparked by about 10 days of 70 degree weather in Missouri in August... I was getting out and really enjoying it... but then August came back... we are currently humid and in the upper 90s, which means I cannot get out. I had a heat injury in 2007, so I am very heat sensitive. Despite all my complaints about cold runs this year, I would much prefer a cold run to a hot one.

So I had good week/bad week/good week... this being the 3rd one there. Despite just having the treadmill, I am making the best of it and working back up slowly from some great 6+ mile courses during the cool week. Part of what made last week so bad was my treadmill getting computer alzheimer's.... the nice tech guy helped me fix it, so all is well in my happy treadmill land again. Of course, after that, my fitbit lost its mind, but they are sending me a new one free as a replacement... that is customer service.

So I run, breathe, swallow hard and run... and do my best to practice the Peace of Patience.

I am also excited to be volunteering for the Heart of America marathon on Labor Day, right here in Columbia. Later in September, I will be volunteering for the Tough Mudder. I like giving back to those who have made my enjoyable runs happen. My last run in Columbia (if I get one of the jobs) will be either the College Ave. 1 miler or the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. I am just waiting until later to sign up since I really don't know where I will be.

Saturday I am going to the Bethel MO World Sheep Festival! Wonderful wool and BAH!


And the battle cry was "Turtles in Peanut Butter"!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

I know I haven't blogged for 2 months, I can hardly believe that. I feel like I fell off the wagon and then got run over by it, and backed over by it.... repeatedly. I was so crazy busy for most of the last 2 months...it's unreal.

The first half of June was Army Annual Training and then I was back home and things were insanely busy with disease cases and other health department things... and some very very sick people. July was continuing at a similarly busy pace and then I went to a weeklong Disaster Response training in Alabama that was amazing! I finally have some breathing room, back to regular life... as regular as it ever gets around here.

But of course, I am potentially about to really play snowglobe with my life... a really amazing job opportunity has opened up in the suburbs of Portland, OR. I want this job. It is perfect, exactly what I'm doing now but at nearly 2X the pay in the area that we want to relocate to. So even though Portland is more $$ than Missouri, It will still be a 25% increase in pay.

So, today, I ran the Show Me States Games 5K. My time was about 34:15. It was far from my best, but I have been trying to get my mojo back over the past month and last week was actually the best I have had in working out consistently and eating within calories for the past couple of months. Too much busy, too much sick & tired all really added into a downward spiral of bad eating and not working out enough. Somehow, though, I didn't gain weight.

I was feeling the desire to go out and run... but my body just kept saying "you didn't train enough". I feel good that I didn't walk 2/3 of the race like I did in June, when I REALLY wasn't feeling it. I'm making that my low point.

So going forward... Turtles in Peanut Butter!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASOBFALLS 8/7/2013 12:52PM

    Moving....such a chore! Let us know your final decision! emoticon

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DEEEBEE 7/31/2013 12:09AM

    It is nice to hear from you again! It sounds to me like you are just going through a low cycle, and before long you'll be up and out of there...and maybe end up in Portland, a truly beautiful city. Keep in touch!

DeAnne, Missourians Team

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PJBONARRIGO 7/29/2013 10:39AM

    I love turtles! You are lapping all the couch potatoes! Fingers crossed about your job- that's exciting news for sure :-)

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