Monday, December 16, 2013
I've heard it said that the state of your bedroom is a reflection of your mental state. If that's true then I fear for my sanity!
So today I'm going to spend some time sorting out my bombsite of a room, and also trying to process some of the things that have happened over the last year and a bit. Starting with something that never fails to make me raging angry: the ex.
A lot of that anger comes from feeling that I wasted 18 months of my life on a sexist pig with a God complex. But, as Mum keeps reminding me, no time is ever wasted unless we let it be. So I'm going to dig deep and find some good things from my time with him.
Okay first up I learned some things and also confirmed some things about myself.
1. I need to work on letting people tell me what to do when it's for my own good.
2. But if any man comes in all "wives obey your husbands" then he will be out so fast he gets whiplash.
3. I really, really, really hate people trying to 'fix' me.
4. But I'm strong enough not to change myself just to please others. If anyone doesn't like me the way I am they can get lost.
5. I care too much, and that means I get hurt very easily, but I wouldn't change that part of me for anything.
6. I really can't take people making fun of me, even when I make fun of them. I know this is a hangover from being bullied and something else I need to work on.
7. English as a first language is important to me. I admit it, I'm a vocabulary snob.
8. I need to take some regular time to focus on myself and realise how I'm feeling. I would have married the douchemonkey because I didn't let myself see how horribly unhappy I was with him.
Another good thing about it was that waaaaay back at the start I gave him my number. Instead of being a Disney princess and waiting for a prince to come and save me, he somehow gave me the confidence to start things moving myself. I never ever would have given a guy my number before then, but I have done it since.
He also introduced me to some reeeeeeeally tasty African food. Y'know the few things that aren't so spicy they make me cry.
Plus I just feel like a completely different person to the me before I met him. In both good and bad ways, but I'll take bad change over staying exactly the same person for the rest of my life.
Overall I still can't say that I'm glad I was with him, and I'm still kinda angry at what he said when we broke up. But I can say that it wasn't a complete waste of my time, and it helped me grow and grow up. I guess that'll do.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
So guess who just got signed off work for a week. I'll give you a hint; she looks and sounds a lot like me.
I went to see my nice doctor and it was good, I was smiling, she said I should still go see the counsellor when an appointment finally appears but it looked like I was doing good with helping myself. Then she asked me how work was going, and I burst into tears. And then I couldn't stop for an awkwardly long time. You know what I really hate? My voice when I'm crying and try to speak. Sound like I've been inhaling helium.
So yeah, no work for me until at least next Tuesday. I am hoping to fill quite a bit of all this suddenly-free time with exercise. This could be a good thing for me : )
Monday, December 02, 2013
I've finally found a way to stop shoving food into my mouth even when I'm not hungry for it! It's very simple; as soon as I binge on something, I have to throw it away.
That includes 'good' and 'bad' food, healthy and unhealthy, marshmallows, cake, bananas, Greek yoghurt, peanuts, anything AT ALL that I binge on.
Bingeing (for me) counts as:-
- eating more than I planned or wanted to
- eating something when I know I'm not hungry
- eating anything without weighing or counting it (I do this so when I track it I can tell myself "oh, it can't have been more than X amount" even though I know full well it must have been, but PROVE IT! Self-delusion at its finest)
- standing in the kitchen, shoving food straight from the packaging into my mouth
- going back for another portion of something when I've already put it away.
So, for example, if I cut a slice of cake for myself and just use the knife to transfer it straight to my mouth then the rest of the cake has to go in the bin. If I go at a jar of peanut butter with a heaping spoon and refuse to count how many times I dip it in then the jar goes in the bin.
Sounds terribly wasteful, doesn't it? But so far all I've had to throw away is 2 shortbread biscuits. My subconscious is smart enough to realise that a little bit is far better than a big bit if a big bit means it won't get any more tomorrow. It also really hates throwing things in the bin.
So there you go. If will power fails, threats of wastage just might work!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
On the way home from yet another night out last night (what is happening to me?) I got to thinking about this new guy. Who, by the way, is definitely not just after a friendship. He IS leaving the country in about 2 weeks and not coming back for 2 months...or maybe ever. Yet another reason to push him away and not bother.
But thinking about it, this guy liking me feels like the first good thing to happen to me in about 15 months. After reaching a place where I seriously believed I would keep on losing until everything and everyone I cared about was gone, I need to grab on to this one positive thing with all I've got.
And then this morning I heard that a helicopter crashed through the roof of a pub in my city. 8 people have been confirmed dead and some people are still not accounted for.
Life. Is. Too. Short.
I need to grab on to any shred of happiness that comes my way, even if it would only last a day. That could be my last day, and how much better to live it happy.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Or at the very least a date is on the cards.
There is a guy at work, he was there on that wonderful Friday last week when I went out with some work people. He was also there this Monday when I went to see my friend's band play. Both times we got talking, and it was nice in an "AAAAH I'm still such a mess, I can't deal with this, but I really want to be able to!!" kind of way.
We will be doing something tomorrow at some point (yes, that's as specific as I can get. I'm guessing the cinema), and I'm really quite nervous about it. I do like him, he's lovely and built like a rugby player (mmm) and can make me laugh, but as I said before I'm still such a mess. I'm still not done dealing with all the people I've lost and I'm not entirely sure that the nagging part of my brain will let me get close to someone new. It won't quite let go of "what's the point when you'll just lose him in the end too?"
Then there's another part that's just distrustful of all men because 3 out of 3 of my boyfriends turned out to be douchemonkeys. Oh boy. This guy has a lot to get through if he's really that interested...
Get An Email Alert Each Time OLIVIANIGHT Posts