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I can't write today's blog

Monday, May 16, 2011

I started to write about the significance of the date, and I couldn't put it out there. I'm pretty open in my blogging, but this one... oh, gee.

Thirty years ago today, you see, I said my wedding vows. Every year on this date, I am reminded that I only stuck it out for 21 years and 11 months. And it all replays in my head: the ups the downs, the love, the control issues, the final realization that I could not survive this way. And with that comes a deep sense of failure. I know it takes two. But somehow I blame myself for getting out. Not all the time, not every day... just when I think about it too much.

Thirty years should be enough, don't you think? It should be time to let go and move on. I get to about this point and erase the blog entry. It is too raw, and I sound too pathetic. It is its own special form of survivor guilt, I guess. Added to too much listening to Polly Perfectionist.

Sigh. Pray for me today, my Spark friends. I'm feeling fragile.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REJ7777 5/17/2011 6:58AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DAISY443 5/17/2011 5:46AM

    I have "been there, done that". Even after he remarried 3 more times, I still felt the guilt that I couldn't do the "Till death we part thing!" Just know that you did what you needed to do! Hugs!

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MNTWINSGAL 5/17/2011 1:06AM

    We all have those "down" moments when we feel like we did too little, or did it "all wrong...." it's what makes us human. But in your heart of hearts, you know you did the best you could do with what you were given, and while the ending of that chapter wasn't the way you would have wanted it written, it led you to where you are today - where you were meant to be all along.

It's ok to feel a little sorrow today over what might have been. But never, ever let yourself think you let anybody down. You did what you needed to do, and if you so choose, you can use today to remember the happy times of your marriage. Then remember why it had to cease. NOT your fault!

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MSLZZY 5/16/2011 11:48PM

    So sorry for your pain-hugs! emoticon

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THISYEARSMODEL 5/16/2011 8:49PM

    "ONLY" stuck it out for 21 years and 11 months? You're being way too hard on yourself. That's the lifetime of a child, plus college. As someone who never wants to get married, I can't fathom it. So give yourself some kudos and credit! emoticon

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 5/16/2011 6:28PM

    you wrote the blog.
I hope you can let it go.
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DEBRITA01 5/16/2011 5:17PM

    Today I read a blog about acceptance and how it is a gift. Sending hugs and prayers that you find acceptance in the fact that you did the best you could at the time....that's all any of us can do. Be gentle with yourself... emoticon

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TURTLETALK 5/16/2011 3:00PM

    emoticon

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_LINDA 5/16/2011 2:27PM

    So very, very sorry :(( Its hearing women's trials like this that makes me happy I am single, never been married or had a boyfriend. I really don't think they are worth all the pain and heartbreak..
My thoughts are with you in deepest sympathy,
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ANDI571 5/16/2011 2:14PM

    I hate you are still blaming yourself and have that feeling of failure. I sometimes wonder where we get those feelings. Is it society that puts it there? Is it our feeling of, what will someone think? All I know, is we are to hard on ourselves sometimes. Our mind can send us into a downward spiral if not careful.

You my friend are not a failure. You are right, it takes two. You can only be in control of your actions. We can't take blame on what others do.

"I cannot relive yesterday, and tomorrow isn't here yet, so I will just deal with today."
Hope your day starts looking up.

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MTULLY 5/16/2011 2:12PM

    You have to ask yourself, if you had stayed in that marriage, do you think you would be better off today or merely regretting that you hadn't left sooner? You tried for 21 years to make it work - that is not being a failure. I think your decision was a courageous one. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you have a better day tomorrow. emoticon

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KALIGIRL 5/16/2011 12:34PM

    A tough day for you in many ways. Reading your blogs, I believe you to be a truly responsible person and so understand your deep feelings from a societal and personal point of view.
I am not sure the sense of failure will go away just because the years tick on, but I do believe it helps to 'air' the emotion, to put it in perspective and to try to accept it.
Here's to acceptance as soon as you are able.
Namaste my friend.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/16/2011 11:15AM

    We've never met here on Spark, but we share a wonderful mutual friend (DEBRA0818). Your response to her blog brought me to yours.
Always remember that you did what needed to be done so that you could continue on in the life you wanted. Leaving an unhappy marriage is not always a failure - sometimes it's a victory - depending on the circumstances.
Stay positive.
Sheila emoticon

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FITGRL124 5/16/2011 10:37AM

    My heart goes out to you! Sending many thoughts and prayers to you today! emoticon emoticon

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SLENDERELLA61 5/16/2011 9:27AM

    Those thing that replay and replay and replay in our heads. And we know we need to let them go. And we let go, or at least we thought. And then we let go again. And again. And again.

It isn't easy. I try not to blame my mother for raising me fat. I let go and let go and let go, but it keeps coming back. There are things I have said and things I have done that I get passed, but then have to get past again. I had an early failed marriage failure failure myself....

I am with you. We know we need to get past it. We know it isn't helpful. You know you did the best you could and the right thing really. You know.

My prayers are with us both and for everyone in their struggle to let go of those things past that still weigh us down.

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BESTSUSIEYET 5/16/2011 9:19AM

    Lord, I pray for Barb today. Please wipe away her tears and remind her how much you love her! You are the Healer of the hurts we can't bear, and I pray that you will wash Barb with your healing forgiveness, grace, and peace today. You know all about the years of her marriage--the joys and the sorrows, the things she did right and the mistakes she made. You know how she wishes it hadn't ended the way it did. Thank you for new beginnings, for fresh starts, for the hope of a better tomorrow! Thank you for the way Barb helps us to move past our mistakes on this journey to health. Help her to remember the same principles as she looks back AND looks forward today. Bless her, Lord!
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MARVEEME 5/16/2011 8:59AM

    My prayers are with you. Yes, 30 years is more than enough, so stop beating yourself up about this. It was what it was, and it will always remain a building block of who you are today, so STOP PICKING AT IT! Leave that brick ALONE.....you can do more damage to your current self by loosening that brick, so smile brightly for all of the growth beyond that era of your life, and know that you are LOVED NOW for who you are.

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MIZCATHI 5/16/2011 8:38AM

    I'm glad you didn't delete this blog. Who we are is a sum result of our successes and failures, and some of those failures cause great regret. It doesn't sound like you would have made a different choice given where you were at the time and who you were. Marriage is a weird state of affairs, a joining of two human beings who made a promise. I've been married for almost 34 years, and sometimes I wonder WHY. LOL. We've come pretty close to splitting by agreement, and I'm sure both of us have harbored secret splits from time to time. I don't know who I would have been if he hadn't come into my life, and sometimes I dream about her. Your turn in the road was just that, and it sounds to me that you like who you are!

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FITFABJENN 5/16/2011 8:14AM

    emoticon

Thank you for sharing your fragile moment, even though it was so difficult for you.

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SAMI199 5/16/2011 8:00AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JUST2SWEET 5/16/2011 7:56AM

    Sorry this is such a tough day for you, hope it gets better...

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SUNNY332 5/16/2011 7:51AM

    “My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”

It takes two to do the marriage dance and two to turn the music off. I definitely see where you could have some regrets so hang in there and realize that you can not take full responsiblity to the break of the marriage. I would really worry if this day came and went and you had no regrets. You are human and for that we love you.

I will be praying for you as you go through your day. I hope that emoticon comes your way today.

Huggers, Sunny

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DEBRA0818 5/16/2011 7:51AM

    My heart goes out to you Barb and of course you have my prayers, right now, for continued healing and acceptance. There are terrible things that happen to us in this life, what Judith Viorst called "Necessary Losses," and there are hard choices we have to make that put us in the position of choosing the "least worst" option. It is worth it, as painful as it is, to reflect on how the choice you made reflected your best judgment and prayerful consideration. You could do no other which means, at a minimum, that you did not end a marriage, but a destructive relationship. For a marriage to exist, both partners have to be living out their vows to each other, it cannot be unidirectional. Without knowing your circumstances, but having a sense of the kind of person you are, I am quite sure the "uni" in "directional" was you.

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STARCHELSEA 5/16/2011 7:41AM

    I'll be sure to pray for you. emoticon

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Best laid plans...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Saturday was supposed to go like this: a quick oil change in the morning, lay in the fresh produce for the week from the grocery, then meet my son at the trail-head for a jog, maybe take him out to lunch, then veg for the remainder of the day.

The mechanic finding a leaking rear strut started the day's deterioration. They needed to keep the car for 3 or four hours, which meant hitching a ride home and letting my son know if he still wanted to take his mom for a jog, he'd need to pick me up. Well, he begged off the jog, so there I was, pacing the house, worrying about various aspects of my unraveling day.

Noon-ish I hitched a ride back to pick up the car, and went grocery shopping. I was set up to make silly decisions and pre-disposed to do so. Telling myself those little emoticon lies, I brought home some of those 100 calorie packs of treats. Three different kinds. That emoticon voice has some good lines, which by now I should recognize. "You've done this before... you can ration these out, one little treat a day or every other day..." But I could also hear it thinking further, "Your number on the scale this morning was well at the bottom of your goal range, you can afford it", and "You've had a running calorie deficit for five days in a row... you SHOULD eat a little more today, it won't hurt if some of those calories are junk." I went through several of those bags. They add up fast.

Why is it we fall for the emoticon voices? Is it to regain those couple of pounds so we can run that deficit? Maybe. Maybe that's how we operate at maintenance. But it still feels scary.

And this morning, waking up with stuffed sinus passages (probably from too much sodium in those extra processed calories) and nausea (probably from less caffeine or from dehydration)... my initial thought was "food hangover", and "why do you have to keep proving to yourself over and over again that this is the price you pay?"

The body rebelling that way makes it easier to wake up and get back on track. emoticon Being perfect is not required. Being foolish is forgivable... remaining in that foolish spot is not an option. Treat self gently... chin up, and move on.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REJ7777 5/16/2011 7:05AM

    I find that it takes a certain amount of energy and focus to stay on track. When I'm particularly stressed or tired, it's a lot easier to make decisions that are not in alignment with my goals. The secret, as you well know, is to get back on track as soon as we can! The difference, this time, is that we just won't quit!

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ELSEEBEE 5/15/2011 6:29PM

    You did a great job of listening to your body this morning and knowing and accepting the problem and moving on. emoticon

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KALIGIRL 5/15/2011 6:12PM

    Amazing how we can get sidetracked - and fall back on those familiar voices...
I'm not sure if it's part of maintenance or just part of life, but the good thing is we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move on.
You continue to serve as a mentor for treating ourselves with love and care and using everyday as a growth opportunity.
Namaste my friend.

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DEBRA0818 5/15/2011 5:10PM

    That Voice is just the living end, isn't it, and sometimes the end of living. I guess what I'm seeing all around me is that the Voice never, ever goes away completely and is always within whispering distance. Good job on catching yourself early and understanding what was going on. It usually takes me days, weeks and months.

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_LINDA 5/15/2011 4:10PM

    Sorry about the car trouble, it just snow balled on you from there. We have all had days like that where nothing goes right. We have also snacked wrong as a result too.
But the key is we know we can get right back on track without making it a continued blow out. This is the life of maintenance, as tough or tougher then losing the weight.
Hope your Sunday is better!

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SUNNY332 5/15/2011 3:25PM

    No - being perfect is not a requirement. Glad you recognized the foolishness and moving on.

Hugs, Sunny

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DADDYTREVOR 5/15/2011 2:06PM

    Thank you for the fun to read blog. You're going to be just fine.

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Write your OWN success story.

Friday, May 13, 2011

A friend's blog this morning was not intended to spark this one, but it did. My friend (you'll recognize yourself) was down on herself. Unable to see the good in herself. And it took me back to several (come to think of it) moments in my past. And quite possibly (when I'm honest with myself) in my future.

But one particular moment stands out in my memory. I remember sitting in a fast food joint in Baltimore, with a new blank journal in my hands and a pen, writing that I was tired of reading the success stories of others, I was tired of reading "how-to" books. I KNEW HOW TO, dang it! I needed to WANT to! That I needed to actually DO it. I was disgusted with my back-sliding.

In my blank book, I wrote that I was going to write my OWN how-to, my OWN journey, my OWN success... Not Oprah's, or Susan's, or Jenny's... MINE! Because this is a journey that each of us has to take for ourselves.

I've used writing a LOT in this journey... venting the lows, celebrating the highs, writing out the dreams... I'm a big fan of the journal. For the past year or more I've written them pretty publicly, right here on the Spark page blog. And when I get down on myself... I have them to go back to, to see where my mind and feelings were at other moments on the path. This is encouraging.

So to my friend, and to everyone else who is out there doubting themselves... you know who you are... you can do this. You can write the unique story of your journey through life, to health, to balance, to dignity. Everyone has a story. Live your own. Write your own. Be present and aware...

YOU can do this. And you're worth it!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REJ7777 5/15/2011 8:43AM

    I really enjoyed your blog! I used to journal a lot more than I do now. I have a box of my journals through the years. I've found that I tend to journal more during exceptionally high or low periods of my life, or during some kind of transition. I've found it helpful to help sort out my thoughts. I never thought of it as a "success journal" though. But I like the idea.

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CRYSMYS 5/15/2011 1:16AM

    I needed to hear this today.. THANK YOU for posting.

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SUNNY332 5/14/2011 1:09PM

    ...and to thine own self, be true.

Only you can write your story - only you can live your life.

I am so glad to be making this journey with you as you inspire me on so many different levels.

Sunny

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LINDAJOYWK 5/14/2011 8:35AM

    thank you...

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PENNYAN45 5/13/2011 5:43PM

    What a great message you have in this blog: "Write your own success story."

It's true that we are the authors of our own lives - inasmuch as we determine how we will respond and react to circumstances and events.

So we are writing our own life story...
...why not make it a success story?

Sometimes it takes us a while to realize this.
And some of us feel we need permission to do it.

Your blog helped in both areas.

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VTORIA3 5/13/2011 5:06PM

    Bravo! Great blog. So encouraging. emoticon

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_LINDA 5/13/2011 10:18AM

    Journalising is recommended in a lot of areas to help you with problems. Putting down your thoughts and feelings always helps you look at them closer and illustrates for you triggers for behaviors. And here on Sparks, doing it publicly means instant support and feedback. Got to love that accountability!
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DRB13_1 5/13/2011 9:23AM

    I need to sit down and do this...

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COMPUCATHY 5/13/2011 8:46AM

    You are SO right! Journaling has really helped me, too. In a blog I wrote last year around Christmas, I wrote my own Christmas Carol where I was visited by the spirits of past, present, and future. It's amazing, how, after writing that, so many of the "future" things have come to pass. This is pretty cool. We really can write and live out our futures as we desire. The future is a blank page...what we write on it is up to us. TGIF! Hope you have a great weekend! Spark on! emoticon

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MARVEEME 5/13/2011 8:09AM

    Excellent advice!
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GOYA! GOYA!

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DEBRA0818 5/13/2011 8:08AM

    In addition, "they" say that people who devise their own plan are the most successful at not just losing weight but keeping it off. You have to own your own right down to your toenails. I'm writing my success story right now!

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MSLZZY 5/13/2011 7:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonTime to wwrite my own
success story!

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Listening to morning

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Yes, another "insufferable morning person" blog. I love mornings. I love waking up without benefit of alarm. In this morning's case it was 20 minutes before it was scheduled... not too far before, certainly not startled into waking... just becoming aware and awake. Stretching. Hearing house sounds and outdoors waking up, too.

I step out onto the deck and breathe in the cool morning air. I open windows, tempting the allergy gods, but I don't care. Morning is a time of hope and promise. Yes, birds, but other things, too... not much wind, observe the wind chimes being lazy.

Into the kitchen, preparing lunch ahead, starting the steel cut oats to simmer for breakfast, the coffee perking... meander to the home office and fire up SparkPeople to see what other folks are contemplating for this new day. The quiet hum of the computer fan is white noise, as are those birds, whose voices drift through the window.

This time of year takes me back to school days, when the term was almost up... looking ahead to the promise of long, lazy days to be spent mostly outdoors. I don't have that luxury these days, my work doesn't have those weeks off in the Summer. But my mind and soul can still go there in the stillness of a morning.

This is going to be a good day! emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDAJOYWK 5/13/2011 6:22AM

    I have a love/hate realationship with mornings-I find I am up & out earlier than most,
but I still like my "peaceful" time & the "early"day at work is definitly too early!Still the
sound of the birds in the morning-that is a blessing. Thank you for reminding me.

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SUNNY1432 5/12/2011 10:05PM

    Love, Love Morning too!! Great Blog!! emoticon

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COMPUCATHY 5/12/2011 1:18PM

    Ahhhhhhhhh....nice morning post! I like it! Your imagery is BEAUTIFUL! Hope you are having a great week! Keep up the good work! Spark on! emoticon

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MSLZZY 5/12/2011 10:11AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonGo to a happy place in your mind
and have a wonderful day!

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DEBRA0818 5/12/2011 9:45AM

    Love the mornings too though I don't always get up as early as I used to when I was employed outside the home -- I let my body tell me when it's time to get up. But, fortunately for the state of our married life, Joe and I are both the most cheerful in the morning ... by evening we are less emotionally available and know not to try to discuss important things then. Just watch American Idol and walk during commercials. emoticon

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MARVEEME 5/12/2011 8:41AM

    Inspiring, to say the LEAST. Thanks for the post. May others find it more motivating than "odiously cheerful". LOL

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CONCHA77 5/12/2011 8:37AM

    I am having one of those mornings right now. I love this time of year when I can open my windows and listen to all the different sounds of life out there-It's wonderful! I think I may even go out and have my coffee on the deck for the first time this year.
Have a great day, Barb.

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KALIGIRL 5/12/2011 8:31AM

    Morning is a time of hope and promise - so glad to hear you are taking the time to soak in the quiet of the day.

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WATERMELLEN 5/12/2011 8:18AM

    Love mornings, love your morning blogs, share your pleasure in each new day: the sounds of birds, the scent of flowers, the sensation of the air, the sunshine when it's sunny and yup, even the rain when it's not!!

People have called me "odiously cheerful" and I know it can be insufferable but . . . . that's me! And I expect that's you too!! No special credit to either of us, probably genetic like eye colour or whatever. But: what a difference it makes!!

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YESWEDID 5/12/2011 7:45AM

    and tonight's going to be a good night too!
nice blog.

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Sometimes you have to NOT have a goal...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

That's where my fickle brain is going this morning. To the lazy days of Summer. Not that I'm planning on not being active... just that I need a "fun" sense about activity and "play" more. Consequently, I've decided NOT to sign up for the 10K in June. And, on the day of that infamous local 10K, I have another horseback ride planned... with others this time, so no skipping out!

I *do* have every intention on putting my focus on those sit-ups, in the hope of passing the APFT on the 4th of July. And I intend to keep up my break-walks at work, and my nutrition plan. Yet, I have some "around the house" things that need doing, and having an athletic goal tends to give me a pass and let me procrastinate more on those things. Time for them to take focus.

I'll be housing the grand-cats for a weekend later this month. So I need to cat-proof my house. These are indoor kitties and it won't be their normal territory, so I'm thinking I need to plan ahead a little bit. Kind of looking forward to having the animal company, myself. I've managed to live pet-free for nine weeks... be kind of nice to have some "on loan" for a bit.

With my windows open to the warming season, I'm feeling good about this plan for now. I reserve the right to set a more specific goal later, but the balance wheel is telling me now is the time to feed another section of the soul.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASJ57 5/11/2011 10:12AM

    When it stops being fun, I stop doing it. Sounds like you have it figured out for yourself, too.

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DEBRA0818 5/11/2011 9:41AM

    Nice to have a loose plan rather than a hard goal; I think a sense of play is just as important as the serious work we're doing to correct our bad habits. Rock on!
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ANDI571 5/11/2011 8:55AM

    Sometimes I think I do better when I just do, and not worry so much about the goals. Just living life can be so much fun.

My grand kitties only live a block down the street, so I go to their house to feed and water them when I have too. I don't think they and my fat cat would get along very well.

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FITFABJENN 5/11/2011 8:52AM

    Enjoy your time with your grandkitties!

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MIZCATHI 5/11/2011 8:40AM

    Sounds like a plan! Working around the house and yard can be great exercise and burns plenty of calories, gives you the strength you need for everyday living!

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KALIGIRL 5/11/2011 8:37AM

    I like your 'fun' plan (even the sit-up) part. emoticon
Here's to listening to your body and the seasons!

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MSLZZY 5/11/2011 8:31AM

    Good to have a plan and opening the windows clears and cleans the air! Great after the long
winter months!


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777GRACE 5/11/2011 7:53AM

    Uhmmm....You are so right. I feel very overwhelmed at times "taking care" of myself that I see other things running away from me. I can't seem to find a balance yet. I am picky about the house and get discouraged about it myself.
Good for you for modifying goals. You know, house work burns calories too!!. Sometimes I get more sore cleaning than other exercises!!
When your done, can you clean my house too?? I asked first!!!
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