Saturday, September 10, 2011
This has truly been a chopped up week. I let stuff get to me on Monday and had a fatigued, lazy, anxious, grazing day. Tuesday I handled things better, getting back into my program and pepping myself up. Had a dental appointment that morning, and work is going crazy, so a part of me stresses over even time off for health care.
Wednesday I broke a tooth, requiring a second dental visit. He took care of the broken tooth, thankfully not needing to put on a crown. Almost as soon as I was done with that and put my stuff away at work, it was back across town to be extra ears for my sister at the Cancer center.
The decision she'd been struggling with was taken out of her hands by the recommendation of the doctor we were talking with... his recommendation for her continued therapy was clear, it does not include the option she would have to fight the insurance company over... because of something in her pathology. So... thanks for all the prayers for guidance and wisdom... looks like they worked! Another layer of stress removed.
Back to work only to get faced with a challenge to another project that I had thought was going well. More stress, and a choppy day. But I had done my bit... I had written my pep talk to myself, and I was mentally prepared.
The work bottom line is that I've decided I need to go to work today. I did find an important code bug, and fixed it, but testing turned up another misinterpretation of a requirement on Friday. It is in code someone else wrote, but that coder is not available, having been moved onto another priority. I had not resolved it by end of business yesterday. I wisely came home and got a good night's sleep.
Today, I pick up my race packet for the Buffalo run tomorrow. I may just end up walking the whole thing, and that's OK. After I get my race packet, I will go to work, to catch up on status reports and maybe give that second implementation problem a look. If I get it, OK, if not, I've given it a shot.
And tomorrow? I have a great Autumn Day for a morning walk in the park, and quite possibly a distant view of the air show. We've got the Blue Angels here for the weekend!
Life is good... I am determined... let us all Spark on!
Friday, September 09, 2011
I read a blog this morning, in which a Spark person contemplates walking in her first 5K. She mentioned the fear of judgment of others and my mind went back to a 5K I ran back in 1991, I think it was. I may have blogged about it before, but it bears a revisit.
This particular 5K was in Canton, Pennsylvania. It featured a course that was pretty flat for the first mile, almost straight uphill for the second, and a huge breezy downhill to the finish, rounding a corner to cross the line.
I kept playing leapfrog the whole way with a speedwalker, while I jogged. I put in my personal best and was on a huge high. I had lost 80 pounds and was in the best shape of my life then-to-date. I hung around the finish line cheering the remaining finishers on.
One of the last finishers was a very large woman. She reminded me of myself during the journey. She walked the whole way, and as she rounded the corner, I muttered aloud (remembering well my own fear of judgment) that it took a lot of guts for her to get out there and do this. My admiration for her courage was bigger than her body size, for sure!
Some jerk nearby quipped for his friend, "Yeah, in more ways than one!" I wanted to punch him out. But seriously, there were far more people whose hearts were touched and spirits soared seeing her out there, than those who were shallow judgers. And here's the kicker: will we let those who hold jerk attitudes prevent us from fulfilling our dreams?
NO WAY! If 90% of life is showing up? Let's not miss out on that 90%. Let's go ahead and "just do it". Let the rush of doing it overpower the opinions of the small-minded. We are worth it, every last Sparker of us!
Life's good. Spark on!
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Anybody over the age of 25 has probably had at least one or two moments in life where the limits were reached: Something has to give! If you haven't, guess you're a Teela Brown (an incredibly obscure reference to a Science Fiction novel called Ringworld by Larry Niven... she was a character who lived a completely charmed life).
So... when you reach that point, where something has to give, what gives?
At various points in our lives, different things have "given". For many of us, our efforts at self-nurturing "gave", as we threw our all into some other aspect of life, or even several aspects of life, juggling the balls and dropping that one.
Often we think we'll pick it up again "once this big push is over". Only to find when this big push is over, another crisis or big push follows it. Sometimes it seems the ball has suddenly become much heavier and unbalanced, and it's not all that easy to pick it up again.
Resolved: Not going to let that happen any more! If something has to give, it will have to be something else. Because my health is worth more to me now, and I no longer take it for granted. I may dial things back a bit, change the plan a little, but there is a point beyond which I will not give up the ship:
1. I will not give up my 30 minutes of walking each day.
2. I will not give up getting sufficient sleep.
3. I will not give up eating well-planned and balanced meals and snacks (even if it means I buy pre-packaged and convenient single serving sized foods... I will read the labels).
Because I'm worth it! What about you? What's going to "give" in your life, next time push comes to shove?
Life's good. Spark on!
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Blogging is an interesting exercise. It is a personal journey, taken somewhat publicly. The writer controls what goes in to each entry, and most of what I journal (blog) about is "me", my life, how I'm coping with what comes down the pike. This helps keep me on track.
There is a benefit to being public (within the semi-sheltered scope of Spark People). It opens one up to the comments of others, which could include criticism, advice or comparison... and that can shake up one's world view.
I am a believer in allowing the help I get to come from whatever source happens along. I take the comments / advice / experience of my Spark buddies seriously, because like a step meeting where one shares experience, strength and hope... that's what comes across in the comments. I am most deeply grateful for all the comments on yesterday's blog about the unstructured time / fatigue "pattern" I deal with.
I have been given a wide selection of things to ponder and assimilate. Thank you.
Life's good. Spark on!
Oh, oh... and fellow maintainers, have you seen? Spark has introduced a whole selection of new tickers to choose from, including: ta-da... a maintenance range ticker! I'm trying it out. It doesn't show the loss, though, so I may switch back at some point, because I like to encourage others who may have a similar large mountain to lose.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
This morning I read a Spark Article that purported to tell one how to avoid weekend over eating. It talked about celebration eating and social eating. What it didn't talk about was fatigued eating, anxiety eating, unstructured time eating.
Honestly, I do worse with emotional eating when I'm home alone. Especially on those days when I have "loose" plans, i.e. I'm waiting for a phone call from my son and I have no idea if/when he will call or what our final plans will end up being. Yesterday was such a day. I was tired, woke at the usual time, got up, and kind of walked around in a fog until about 1 p.m. Did a little yard work, but was deliberately trying to have a restful day, all the time trying to conserve energy for whatever he would want to do, even just dropping over for coffee.
At this point I took a nap... my son probably was getting up about that time. This is a danger time zone for me... I'm tired, he's energetic. But he didn't call. When I got up from my nap at 2, the grazing started. It didn't stop until around 7 p.m. And he never called. I was still fatigued, and went to bed on time, and slept in this morning, making me wonder how much of my over-indulgence yesterday was self-sedating with food, i.e. fatigue related.
What bothers me most is that this is a pattern. I know I need the "down" days to recharge my batteries, but I'm reluctant to admit to the anxiety that the lack of structure, anticipation of needing to expend more energy brings. Which is why retirement scares me: having no plans is not good for me. But having too many is also not good.
I hope someday I figure it out. For now, it's virtual Monday. Structure and work return. Next weekend I have an athletic outing planned. But emotionally, I'm disappointed in me and my seeming inability to change this pattern. I'm living with it for now, I know how to recover from it. But retirement scares me, and it's only a decade away.
of a new effort. Spark on.
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