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So let's talk about that full rebellion mode

Sunday, October 02, 2011

OK, we all know weekends are hard. But it's been a very long time since I went into full and blatant rebellion mode. As in make a list of target foods and go to the grocery store and purchase them with the express purpose in mind to eat without recording.

Good, healthy foods? Heck no. We are talking Halloween candy, a full month before the holiday. And chips. Yes, sour cream and onion potato chips. And full fat-laden natural processed cheese. I bought them, I brought them home. And I ate them. Not all of them, yet, but enough to feel full and bloated.

I was supposed to go run a 5K in Omaha this morning. When I got up at 4:20 a.m. I hit this wall of full rebellion. In fact it was already in progress yesterday afternoon. The run was in a very good cause. But I wasn't doing it "with" anyone else. And I did NOT feel like taking my today and using it that way. And I took the bit in my teeth and chose NOT to go. I paid them my money. They mailed me my shirt. But I did not go run. I had a bad case of the "I don't wannas." OK, I was also hiding from the Autumn allergens.

Instead I laid around the house, watched old TV shows on Netflix, and vegged. And by mid afternoon, it escalated to the grocery trip. And there you have it... confession. Not sure when this mood will end. But it is this kind of attitude that can undermine everything I've done for the past two and a half years!

Sigh. The roller coaster goes on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNY1432 10/3/2011 10:21PM

    It happens everyone, I've been there the last few days myself. I got back on the horse today and you'll do it when your ready. emoticon

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STARL_73 10/3/2011 11:37AM

    I've found that if I indulge my attitude, accept it and don't feel guilty about it, it goes away faster. I can lessen it by not putting it off for so long. It's like a rubber band you keep pulling and pulling.. once in a while, lighten the tension, just a little and you'll be able to pull a little longer. .. ok, not the best analogy. But remember you need to give your body a break - or it will demand it.
As for the chips and stuff - if you realize you don't want to finish them - don't. You indulged, you enjoyed - now back on the trail.


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MSLZZY 10/3/2011 8:36AM

    Roller coasters are such a nuisance but it is a part of life. You'll get back in the mood, and sooner that you think.

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SHARON2014 10/3/2011 7:55AM

    Sounds like a "comfort food" day to me! Glad you got it out of your system and lived to tell about it! My hunch is that the roller coaster ride will soon be over and you will be back on track very soon if not already! Take care of yourself! emoticon

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DEBRA0818 10/3/2011 7:40AM

    Only you can decide what is happening inside you -- a normal down day or scraping back and forth at the top of the slide.

As much as I love eating this way and exercising, I can imagine that a day of indulgence would feel just right at some point in the future. After all, this is the way I managed myself for most of my 56 years (although my mother had to help me when I was a baby and she did by giving me extra bottles when I was fussy), so it seems likely that it will always be the default impulse when I feel like I need a day of withdrawal from the world.

Are there healthier ways to do it? Heck, yeah! But, are there more expedient ways to do it that connect with all my deepest longings and belief? Maybe not.

And, not to excuse or make light of what is going on, but, according to some of the diet gurus, a cheat day once a week is the way to maintain long term.

Be kind to yourself.


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_LINDA 10/3/2011 2:02AM

    Sounded like you really wanted some 'me' time and wanted to go back to the bad old days where you were most comfortable.
It does remain to be seen if your stomach agrees with this. The old story one weekend does not break a healthy lifestyle. So many people have lapses on weekends you might as well call their plans the work week diet. We are actually all allowed to be human in this lifestyle, hence the 80/20 rule. I know I blew my 20 out of the water this weekend -I can't say no to thick slabs of whole wheat garlic bread dripping with old cheddar cheese -I do not buy processed cheese -it has to be old (the older the better and I will pay through the nose to have it), and full fat. I do not eat this stuff at home and that is probably what keeps me going. Once in a while treat, its not going to be there 24/7. We usually only have it on special occasions actually, but Mom was wanting to clean out her deep freeze and didn't want to save it until Thanksgiving.
I am able to allow myself a slice of cheese a day, in the past it would be one 900g package a week.. It is possible to have things in moderation.
So put this weekend to rest and work it Monday! You can get back on that horse! Its been a rough ride, but you have a proven track record!

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DEBRITA01 10/2/2011 8:42PM

    O.K., so Barbie came out to play today. She rebelled against the 5k and she ate some snacks. I'm sure she's gone now and you are left feeling kinda icky from the food and are ready to get back to it. Although we don't always know why this happens, we do know that this will only be a temporary glitch. Remember 80/20? Tomorrow is a new day, so be kind to yourself and carry on. You are such an inspiration to us all, but we don't expect you to be perfect ALL of the time :) emoticon

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 10/2/2011 8:24PM

    Having gone throught the exact same scenario recently (and frequently, for that matter), I can truly feel your pain. I'm not sure what triggers it. Stress? Fatigue? Emotional or psychological "breaks." It really doesn't matter too much what the trigger is -- as long as we "own" it and get back on track. And, as you and I have discussed previously (when I was in that boat) we come to our senses much quicker now. And our bodies are very quick at reminding us how awful we feel when we eat poorly. Confession is good -- it relieves those inner (demonic) voices. I hope your roller coaster ride has hit bottom and is beginning the climb up again. Be kind to yourself -- you are doing well and you are an inspiration to MANY of us on SP. We all have our weak moments -- isn't it nice to have a place like SP to go to to get it out, deal with it and move on?

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MOBYCARP 10/2/2011 8:01PM

    That's so wrong. You were supposed to have that fit when I was there to put the chips and cheese on my waist instead of yours.

FWIW--Friday I ate too much, though not as much as I would have at the same event, pre-Spark. Saturday I was rewarded with mildly uncomfortable twinges in my intestines, which I interpret as my body processing stuff it's no longer used to.

Your body is going to give you a wake up call, too. Listen to it.

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HOT4FITNESS 10/2/2011 7:35PM

    Alright. Finish the chips and cheese and lets move forward. These kind of things happen. I have been in the I dont wanna mood for a couple of weeks. Thursday, I saw the trainer and oops.. when I stepped on that scale, my attitude changed back rather quickly.

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WATERMELLEN 10/2/2011 6:45PM

    Don't believe it for a moment: that "it is this kind of attitude that can undermine everything I've done for the past two and a half years".

The rebellion is temporary. Enough! You didn't wanna! So you didn't get up to go and run! And you ate potato chips instead!

That's a T-shirt I've got too -- in fact, a whole closet full of 'em. Really.

But: run the remaining chips under the tap . . . or through the garburetor. Cheese maybe at the back of the freezer?

I'm betting that once you flush through the sodium, not even a 1 pound difference. Highly unlikely you ate 3500 calories worth of potato chips and cheese. Temporary blip. Reminding us that we can't be perfect 100% of the time!

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Design, vision, fantasy...

Friday, September 30, 2011

The word "design" popped into my brain today. Maybe it is because I'm in the design phase of a project at work, but maybe it's just one of those random things. Either way, where the brain went was, "Live your life by design".

I think this is very similar to creating a vision for what I want the next phase of my life to be... weaving a fantasy that can turn into a reality, one day at a time. Perhaps it is the natural optimism that I tend to wake up with every day. I can't explain it exactly, where it comes from, but I seem to have had it since childhood. Oh, yes, I've had some darker times and moods, and "I don't care" and "this is NOT working" periods in my life, but left to my own devices, a good night's sleep seems to make almost everything better.

I wake up this way. It is a gift. One that I think might be cultivated, nurtured and encouraged, but at its base, I was blessed with it from birth, I think. Just ask Moby! We used to have long conversations as teenagers. Or ask my kid... we've had a few.

But I digress, rejoicing in the gift... this morning "live your life by design". Maybe this is the phrase that I'll use to refurbish the "do one thing". I know I feel better when I am taking action... so the design of my life is around doing just that: taking action to live the life I am meant to live. After all, the journey on this plane is not forever. I mean to make the most of what's really important in it.

Hug your loved ones, and live by design! Life's good... Spark on! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 10/2/2011 6:48PM

    Oh gosh I've got that cheerful Pollyanna thing too: happy most of the time, like pretty much everybody. Grrrrrrr, it's annoying to others.

All perfectly genuine. I regret that it's annoying to others but there it is.

(And then every once in a while in catches up to me and I'm flat on my butt in full rebellion mode . . . )

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MSLZZY 10/1/2011 6:47PM

    Very positive and a wonderful, inspiring blog. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUNNY332 10/1/2011 3:32PM

    What a great thought. Thanks for another awesome post.

Here's a emoticon to living life by design.

Hugs, Sunny

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MEDDYPEDDY 10/1/2011 1:50AM

    Yes that is a nice thought - to life my life by design. For today I will design a calm and loving atmosphere.

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_LINDA 10/1/2011 1:24AM

    So nice to hear this! Nothing like waking up positive after a good night's sleep! You are already living a good life by design and adding new patterns daily to Spark it!

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LOVESTHEBEACH83 9/30/2011 1:43PM

    That is amazing! I love that mantra! I do wish I was blessed with the ability to be optimistic every morning but it is something I am working on. Thank you for this nugget of wisdom emoticon

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GOHUSKERS2 9/30/2011 8:30AM

    What a great way to be! Being positive, taking action and living by design are the only ways to do it.

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DEBRITA01 9/30/2011 8:23AM

    "After all, the journey on this plane is not forever. I mean to make the most of what's really important in it." Good reminder...we need to seize each day! emoticon

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DEBRA0818 9/30/2011 8:06AM

    I was similarly blessed by a good nature and whilst it can sometimes be perceived of by others as persistent naivete, it sure does make my internal life a pleasure and a blessing to others.

I'm a hugger too!


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Not a pretty topic, but it weighs on my mind today

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The topic? Suicide. What an ugly word. Made uglier when it enters your life through someone you know. Made more so when "nobody saw it coming".

Last night my son clued me in to some FB statusses I had seen from people I met during his deployment. I am not a real active communicant with them, but still have them on my contact list, and I'd seen some things out there that led me to conclude someone had lost their life. They were vague though, and I don't know these folks well enough to barge in and say "What happened, who?"

My son told me he didn't know if I'd met ____ and his family, but as I had got to know so many at the Yellow Ribbon events while he was away, I'd probably want to know... and I did want to know. Nearly a year after coming home, one of the unit members attached to his sister reserve unit chose to end his own life on Sunday. He leaves behind a little girl.

Suicide is hard to understand from the outside. It's particularly hard from the "nearby" outside. But clearly from the inside, that person believes it to be a solution to his or her problems.

A few years ago, a young man who worked in my small team also died by his own hand. The very day he did it I had seen him at noon... he was laughing and joking, always had a kind word for everyone. This news brought that all back. And especially the feeling "If I had only known..."

I don't have answers. I have faith, and a heavy heart. I have concerns about loved ones... we all do. May God be gentle with those who knew this man best... and with all of us trying to make sense of the senseless.

And God, while you're at the answering prayers job, help me remember that eating well and moving help not just the ordinary stresses of day to day, but help with the big things, too.

All you Spark Friends out there... if you get one thing from my blog today, let it be this: YOU are a person of value. YOU contribute to the world. Take good care of YOU, because you're worth it. And I love you. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNYWBL 12/18/2011 3:39PM

    Too true! Every last one of us is 'worth it'. I need to say it to others much more often.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEDDYPEDDY 10/5/2011 12:49AM

    Last week the brother of my boss commited suicide. Three years ago, when I lost the legal fight about where my daugther should live, I was so close to letting go that I claim to know what it is about. Of course to me only, everybody is not the same - I could have been cheerful a couple of hours before total desperation because to me it came very suddenly, just BANG! total desperation and pain and feeling that I could not ope any more...

Thanks to my experience I could tell my boss what it is like to be in the fearful state of anting toend ones life. Since that horrible night I have worked hard to pu up some good prevention walls in my life, when I am "normal" I know that it does not benefiyt my daughter that her mother leaves, but when I am in that blak hole... I can seriously convince myself that it is the best I can do. So I can´t afford to go in that black hole and I can dreat a life when I am as far from it as possible.

I know today that I have very weak spots. I know that I have to protect and take care of myself. I am very grateful for that insight.

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SUNNY1432 10/1/2011 11:21PM

    Suicide is a hard subject to approach and to deal with. I'll be praying for the little girl. emoticon

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SHELL- 10/1/2011 11:17PM

    My experience with suicide was with my immediate family. My mother's depression was because of horrible, unmanageable pain was suicidal when I was in high school, luckily her treatment for depression was successful.
18 years ago my husband of 20 yrs was "I'll show you and ruin your life" suicide those are the words of a psychiatrist's not mine, it was a tragic loss of a brilliant man. Then my son was put on medication to treat his emotions about losing his dad. The medication was one that they NOW warn to NOT put teenagers on, and it was double the recommended dose, within one week he was gone.
The crushing depression I felt at losing my whole family within 3 months was beyond words but I was blessed to have a friend who got me to a wonderful counselor who had first hand knowledge of suicide (her father, brother).
18 years and I'm still recovering... Your blog is an important contribution to people understanding depression and suicide and the long lasting effects suicide has on those that are left behind. emoticon

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    I am so glad Linda mentioned your blog so I would come and read it. Suicide is so tragic! 17 years ago, a dear friend of mine ended her life leaving behind a 4 month old baby girl with a husband who "never saw the signs" to raise her by himself. Just last month, one of our students at the university where I work lost his big brother to suicide... and he's still just trying to grasp the why. I wish those who choose to end their lives would realize the pain that is left when they are gone. But maybe that's part of the problem; they think others would be better off without them. I find that never to be the case. Thank you for a good blog even though it was a sad subject.

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PCOH051610 9/30/2011 7:43AM

    A wonderful blog and trust me, as somebody who has been suicidal, the fun upbeat mannerisms of this guy were because he had his mind made up and he was happy about it. Sad but true.

I hid my depression for years but since I joined Spark I now am more open. There is a horrible stigma about any mental illness so I think public awareness is the answer. I look and act "normal" but when I am really under the weather you wouldn't recognize me - I don't recognize myself!

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DEBRITA01 9/29/2011 8:28PM

    One never really knows the thoughts behind someone choosing to take their own life...often times it is totally unexpected and leaves their loved ones with so many unanswered questions. Prayers for comfort and strength for this man's family as they mourn the loss of their loved one. Such a tragic loss...I'm so sorry.

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_LINDA 9/29/2011 8:28PM

    So very sorry :(( It was difficult reading all these tragic stories. I can't imagine the feeling of hopelessness that leads to this action.. May people who have these thoughts have someone to rescue them before they take the plunge..

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KIKI0531 9/29/2011 7:39PM


My cousin's fiance' took his life some time ago. Out of nowhere - just after finishing a lazy Saturday morning breakfast. No note. No answers to so many of her questions.

I will keep his daughter in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard this can be on those left behind.

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WATERMELLEN 9/29/2011 6:57PM

    Suicide is such an important topic: thanks for writing about it today. And reminding us all of how much caring for each other can do to change the world.

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DEBRA0818 9/29/2011 3:43PM

    My heart goes out to those whose world has become so filled with pain that they feel they have no other choice but to end it, and to those left behind to wonder. Feeling valuable, connected, needed, necessary are all such wonderful things to feel but hard to inculcate in another. It adds a dimension of helplessness to an otherwise incalculable tragedy. May the loving arms of God be felt by each and every person who was a witness to this light going out of the world.


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BUGGYS 9/29/2011 1:45PM

    The brother of a friend of mine dies in a horrific accident when he was traveling with some buddies. Although the funeral was so very hard for everyone, it was especially hard for the mom. She decided she couldn't live without her son and committed suicide by sitting in her car in her friend found her. She lost two family members in 5 weeks. Life is worth it and help is out there for those who think it's just too much to bear. The ones who are left behind suffer the friend has never been the same...depression is the killer...reach out to those you know are suffering, help yourself if you are suffering but please seek the help you so deserve!

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ELSEEBEE 9/29/2011 12:18PM

    Suicides are so very difficult to understand and to deal with. It especially saddens me to hear it was a young person who gave so much to our country. May his death remind us all to take good care of our military and let them know how much we love and appreciate them.

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BBORDEN86 9/29/2011 10:51AM

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's truely unfortunate that it coudln't be prevented. "YOU are a person of value. YOU contribute to the world. Take good care of YOU, because you're worth it. And I love you." Those are powerful words right there. EVERYONE is worth it!

I will never forget being a teenager and having to deal with this very issue firsthand. We always learned about it in school. I took it serious, but never thought it'd hit home. My next door neighbor and I were REALLY close friends. Same grade, and everything. She had been contemplating suicide, I don't know for how long. I remember one day her coming to me and asking me if my dad had a gun. He did, but I NEVER told her that. At this point I knew she was somewhat serious, but didn't know how to go about dealing with this sort of thing. Her next step was writing letters to everyone close to us and asking me to give them to those people. I told her I couldn't, started crying, and she walked away. I called my dad SOBBING telling him that she was thinking about commiting suicide, how she asked for a gun, and then had all these letters for me to give to people. I think right after we got off the phone he called her and asked her how she was doing. I'm not even sure how the conversation went, that's something I never asked him. The NEXT day she came and apologized, and we cried. She thanked me for caring. I was just VERY thankful that I possibly stopped her from ruining her life.

It still gets me teary thinking about it today. Now, she is almost done with college, and has an absolutely beautiful baby girl!


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JOSIEISHEALTHY 9/29/2011 10:30AM

    Suicide is such a tragedy on so many levels. I have a family member who committed suicide that left behind a daughter. The hurt my family members have felt run very deep. It's been over 30 years and I know it still affects them. I didn't know him since he died before I was born. My heart goes out to you and everyone else that has gone through a tragedy like that.

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HOT4FITNESS 9/29/2011 9:29AM

    Thanks for sharing this blog today. It is hard to believe that just about a year ago I was in a situation where I was contemplating ending my own life. Thank goodness for friends and family. God definitely intervened and put the right people in my life at the right time. I get tearful thinking of those moments but then I look at how much stronger I am today! Spark on!!

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 9/29/2011 9:24AM

    How very sad and tragic. May those left behind feel God's loving arms around them.

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KARIDIAN1 9/29/2011 8:24AM

    Suicide has touched so many in one way or another. Posting your thoughts helped you and others deal with the often silent killer of depression.

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MSLZZY 9/29/2011 8:10AM

    As my pastor said, we never know what is going through another person's mind or the demons they are facing. So sorry for the family and those who knew him.

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SAMI199 9/29/2011 8:06AM

    I'm sorry...It is the hardest thing of all to wrap our heads around.I would like to add that depression is a very insidious illness that makes "knowing" when a person is @ that point is almost impossible.They are not to blame,or selfish-just very ill( Thanks for sharing your thoughts & love) *hugs*

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Classic morning pep talk

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

emoticon Yep! Feeling charged up this morning. Wondering what changed from yesterday to today, because yesterday morning I was stomach-clenched to the point of had to take a 20 minute walk before going in to the office.

Breaking it down: yesterday I had no meetings! I put people off so that I could sit down at my desk and do some writing / analysis that very much needed to get done in preparation for a review next week. I have been so overbooked and had my focus split in so many directions that I was feeling badly stressed. I made a point to leave work "on time"... which I define as no more than 15 minutes late.

What a difference half an hour of OT makes in my mood! Why is that? Is it because of the tendency to obsess and try to do it all myself? "Mmmm... could be!" Anyhow, when I go in to work this morning it will be with at least a part of the planning behind me! That makes me feel a little more in control. And maybe that's the issue: feeling out of control is a huge driver of bad behavior with food. At least for me. More specifically, feeling out of control of something that I feel I should be in control of!

Note the subtle difference. Few of us are truly "in control" of most of the events in the world. The serenity prayer goes right to it: the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. But it goes on to the courage to change the things we can! One of the things I can change is my attitude.

I voiced that to myself yesterday morning as I briskly walked an extra mile before walking in the office door: "I cannot afford to have a bad attitude." That is bald truth. I can't afford to have a bad attitude. Who can? What does a bad attitude give you but bad health?

So here's to today: changing the things I can, accepting the things I cannot, and praying for that sometimes elusive wisdom to know the difference! With an attitude of gratitude to be alive on the planet.

emoticon Life's good. Spark on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELL- 9/29/2011 12:03AM

    You are in good company. “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”
winston Churchill

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WATERMELLEN 9/28/2011 8:44PM

    Ya know, I cannot afford to have a bad attitude either!! And: thanks for reminding me about that!

When my life feels out of control, that's when I "deserve" a treat . . . yeah! *aka binge*

Not good. Not a treat.

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SUNNYWBL 9/28/2011 7:22PM

    Your self-awareness is beautiful and healthy! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KALIGIRL 9/28/2011 9:23AM

    Bad attitude = bad health.
Logical, perfect equation.

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_LINDA 9/28/2011 8:58AM

    So sorry you have to deal with such a high stress job. I get that you think you can do it better then anyone else so you have to try do it all. I have a little of that in my job, but now they want me to find my own assistant. The one they picked out had to quit for family reasons, which was a shame because he was so promising ;( Its very hard to get volunteers at the club as the board well knows so they are laying it at my feet. I have to find someone who can drive (not hard they all do), computer literate (much harder) and is willing to put time in (the worst). People will be quick to volunteer for a one time job, but hate long term commitment :(( I would be happy to dole out some of my work, but its going to be hell finding someone. If there is any way you can pass on some of your work, you should just DO IT. Not only does stress lead to binging, it can lead to ulcers and you don't want to go there. I did once, going to university as a mature student and not being able to handle it because of poor study habits and not knowing how to handle the volume of information being thrown at me. It also worsened my RA and gave me severe anemia. The bottom line? I have learned not to stress out over things anymore. What will be will be. Roll with the punches and come up fighting. I have a very tough skin, well developed over the years of insults.
Here is hoping you can find a way to have less stress at work.. Life is too short to worry.
Have a wonderful working wisely Wednesday!

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HOT4FITNESS 9/28/2011 8:42AM

    Amen to this blog!! I have had to make some adjustments i the attitude. Here'sto a great day with a positive attitude al the way!!!

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DEBRA0818 9/28/2011 8:12AM

    I'm with you on the need to have a plan in order to feel comfortable going into situations. My food plan totally removes the angst around eating, and my relatively structured life gives me a measure of peace about the day. Yet, it is the underlying confidence that I can handle whatever comes up (that I have no control over) that leads to ultimate peace. I'm working on that!


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MSLZZY 9/28/2011 8:08AM

    emoticonThat's the spirit! HUGS!

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This line was too good not to pass around

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Credit my brother in law the writer. In his newly refurbished blog, he references, " a wife whose family makes The Brady Bunch look like rejects from The Jersey Shore." I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted. But I'm laughing. emoticon

This is a funny man. I never know what he's going to pull out, and you may see something you say show up on the mellodrama stage or a veiled reference to the family in the plays (my dad's middle name and a grandfather's ended up together as a character in one).

Anyway, as someone who draws upon family in my own blogging I get it. Another gal that I work with wrote her first novel last year during November's NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) and published it. She got a phone call from her sister who greeted her as one of the characters in the book.

Here as Spark Friends we kind of become like family, too. I talk anonymously about "my Spark Friend who..." at work... hope y'all don't mind, but you're slightly famous in my circle. You are source material for motivation. Because every one of us who keeps trying is a reason for the rest of us to remember...

We're worth it! Life's good... Spark on!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DRB13_1 9/28/2011 1:37AM

    isn't there an old saying "write what you know"? emoticon

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_LINDA 9/28/2011 1:21AM

    Most funny stuff does come from real life. Nothing zanier then the human race. We are a strange bunch!!

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MSLZZY 9/27/2011 11:12PM

    I had to have DS explain it to me, too. What a riot!

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MOBYCARP 9/27/2011 10:10PM

    That line was a lot funnier after my daughter gave me a two-bit summary of what The Jersey Shore is. If daughter got it right, we should be flattered.

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