Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Monday was a good recovery day. No "extra" exercise, stayed on the food plan, treated myself "gently" from a self-talk point of view, and began trotting out my bag of mental tools related to binge recovery:
1. As best I can, figure out the elements of "what am I missing" and "why am I missing it?"
2. Satisfy that "missing" thing.
3. Assess the goals, stated and unstated, that I have been pursuing.
4. Figure out if they are still relevant.
5. Adjust and move on!
Saturday's rebellion was a precursor to Sunday morning's. The entire rebellion started with the realization that I did not want to take the *time* to drive to Omaha and back for that 5K. This is a clue. My brother is fond of saying that time is the ultimate scarce resource. The longer I live the more I accept this. It is important to spend this scare resource on things that matter most to me.
So then we get into "why did this 5K not matter as much to me?" Truth to tell, I signed up for it late, mainly because I wanted to somehow demonstrate my support for the cause. Which is a good one. But it was one more race in an already full schedule. I just did a 5 mile one three weeks ago, and two weeks from now I was already signed on for another 5K. This one, tucked between? Just plain "too much".
What was I missing? Time to just "be". Time to indulge in some grief (yes, I watched a sappy movie Saturday morning and cried for a lot of this year's losses, including the one I wrote about earlier in the week). Time to not have to be somewhere and do something. I need this. And I need to recognize it's importance to myself, especially during a phase at work that is keeping me overtime more than "normal" and stressing me. Time to hang up the "competition" part of my nature.
The biggest error in all of this was overbooking myself. It's one I have made in the past. I doubt it's the last time I do it. I don't want it to unravel the life I envision for myself: one of dignity and order and harmony. I must pull in my horns and accept that for now, the "official" 5K's have to go. I'm not training properly for them (due to the overtime and exhaustion at the end of the day). I need to take better care of me in other ways right now.
In my heart of hearts, I want that dignified orderly life, to have my home be a refuge. I accept that, and will get back to the "one thing" goals, which have been sliding between the OT and the races. I shall nurture myself. Because I'm worth it.
I will not give up: Tracking my food and activity levels so I can maintain my healthy weight. Walking breaks at work to manage stress levels. Strength training to the evening TV shows, two or three times a week. Positive self-talk, every day, because I'm worth it.
I will give up, "for now": the scheduled races... not going to sign up for any more. I will decide closer to the race itself whether I will actually go and participate in the last one I have already signed on for.
I will re-assess, in a week or two, how this plan is going. Am I feeling less pressured by myself to do "too much"? Because having reactionary binges is *not* healthy! And healthy is the real goal.
Life's good. Spark on!
Monday, October 03, 2011
Treat yourself gently. Imagine your best friend came to you and told you what you just wrote. What would you advise him/her? Would you tell them they are a terrible person? Or would you comfort them?
That's the advice I preach to others. Today I put it into practice for me. Yesterday was just that... yesterday. In fact the whole weekend, lost or not, is that "past". It doesn't reverse the entire program.
I slept well, which I generally do when I eat more. Perhaps I had been undereating a bit, leading to stronger temptation to "overcompensate"? Take that into consideration... and don't swing too far the other way today.
So, I packed my lunch, the usual healthy stuff. And I made my breakfast of steel cut oats with fresh strawberries (they were on sale on Saturday, so I even saved money on them this time).
I shall take my walking breaks at work. And I shall keep my self-talk positive. And this *will* be a good day of recovery. Because despite the days of rebellion... majority does rule. And the majority of the time, I really *do* care.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
OK, we all know weekends are hard. But it's been a very long time since I went into full and blatant rebellion mode. As in make a list of target foods and go to the grocery store and purchase them with the express purpose in mind to eat without recording.
Good, healthy foods? Heck no. We are talking Halloween candy, a full month before the holiday. And chips. Yes, sour cream and onion potato chips. And full fat-laden natural processed cheese. I bought them, I brought them home. And I ate them. Not all of them, yet, but enough to feel full and bloated.
I was supposed to go run a 5K in Omaha this morning. When I got up at 4:20 a.m. I hit this wall of full rebellion. In fact it was already in progress yesterday afternoon. The run was in a very good cause. But I wasn't doing it "with" anyone else. And I did NOT feel like taking my today and using it that way. And I took the bit in my teeth and chose NOT to go. I paid them my money. They mailed me my shirt. But I did not go run. I had a bad case of the "I don't wannas." OK, I was also hiding from the Autumn allergens.
Instead I laid around the house, watched old TV shows on Netflix, and vegged. And by mid afternoon, it escalated to the grocery trip. And there you have it... confession. Not sure when this mood will end. But it is this kind of attitude that can undermine everything I've done for the past two and a half years!
Sigh. The roller coaster goes on.
Friday, September 30, 2011
The word "design" popped into my brain today. Maybe it is because I'm in the design phase of a project at work, but maybe it's just one of those random things. Either way, where the brain went was, "Live your life by design".
I think this is very similar to creating a vision for what I want the next phase of my life to be... weaving a fantasy that can turn into a reality, one day at a time. Perhaps it is the natural optimism that I tend to wake up with every day. I can't explain it exactly, where it comes from, but I seem to have had it since childhood. Oh, yes, I've had some darker times and moods, and "I don't care" and "this is NOT working" periods in my life, but left to my own devices, a good night's sleep seems to make almost everything better.
I wake up this way. It is a gift. One that I think might be cultivated, nurtured and encouraged, but at its base, I was blessed with it from birth, I think. Just ask Moby! We used to have long conversations as teenagers. Or ask my kid... we've had a few.
But I digress, rejoicing in the gift... this morning "live your life by design". Maybe this is the phrase that I'll use to refurbish the "do one thing". I know I feel better when I am taking action... so the design of my life is around doing just that: taking action to live the life I am meant to live. After all, the journey on this plane is not forever. I mean to make the most of what's really important in it.
Hug your loved ones, and live by design! Life's good... Spark on!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The topic? Suicide. What an ugly word. Made uglier when it enters your life through someone you know. Made more so when "nobody saw it coming".
Last night my son clued me in to some FB statusses I had seen from people I met during his deployment. I am not a real active communicant with them, but still have them on my contact list, and I'd seen some things out there that led me to conclude someone had lost their life. They were vague though, and I don't know these folks well enough to barge in and say "What happened, who?"
My son told me he didn't know if I'd met ____ and his family, but as I had got to know so many at the Yellow Ribbon events while he was away, I'd probably want to know... and I did want to know. Nearly a year after coming home, one of the unit members attached to his sister reserve unit chose to end his own life on Sunday. He leaves behind a little girl.
Suicide is hard to understand from the outside. It's particularly hard from the "nearby" outside. But clearly from the inside, that person believes it to be a solution to his or her problems.
A few years ago, a young man who worked in my small team also died by his own hand. The very day he did it I had seen him at noon... he was laughing and joking, always had a kind word for everyone. This news brought that all back. And especially the feeling "If I had only known..."
I don't have answers. I have faith, and a heavy heart. I have concerns about loved ones... we all do. May God be gentle with those who knew this man best... and with all of us trying to make sense of the senseless.
And God, while you're at the answering prayers job, help me remember that eating well and moving help not just the ordinary stresses of day to day, but help with the big things, too.
All you Spark Friends out there... if you get one thing from my blog today, let it be this: YOU are a person of value. YOU contribute to the world. Take good care of YOU, because you're worth it. And I love you.
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