Friday, November 25, 2011
You know the one. The one you couldn't wait to get to! The one AFTER the big holiday... or AFTER a vacation.
Truth to tell, I skipped several workouts earlier in the week, getting things wrapped up and ready for the holiday. So this morning, after dropping off the recyclables at the center... the gym is "right next door"... I went and found my fellow gym-rats doing the same thing.
I had no clue what kind of workout I was going to do: swim, bike, jog/walk? Nope, the card with the trainer's "programme" called me... and after a ten minute warm up on the elliptical, I pumped iron, pulled cables, and stretched elastic bands to her specifications. I sweated and grinned, and felt quite pleased with myself. And regained some confidence that I have NOT given up on myself, just because I took a few days of "reverses."
Yes, the scale is above what I'd like it to be in maintenance. Yes, the size 4 pants from last Spring are definitely NOT fitting well right now. But if I can keep on keeping on, they will again conform to my new normal.
Because I am a person who can be modest in a gym towel... that was my giggle point for today... this would not have been true 75 pounds ago. We can do this, Spark buddies. And we shall. Because we're worth it!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I have long maintained that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is not wrapped up in expectations of gift-giving. It is wrapped up in gratitude for what we already have!
But there is a part of me, looking back at yesterday's entry, who wonders about how the demon comes out this time of year. Mary (CookMe123) gave me great advice about taking on the role of the compassionate observer and seeing what the little girl inside me is missing in all of this!
Well! Some of you already have been introduced to "Toddler Barbie", my inner child. She wears patent leather shoes, lacy socks, a red velvet dress with a lace pinafore. Her hair is done up in red-gold curls, a-la-Shirley Temple. Believe it or not, this is how I see her. The red-gold curls match what my Aunt and her step-mother in law did with my hair when I was four years old. Which is the age I think of her being.
She is a wilful little cuss. Greedy? You betcha! She never wants to stop doing what she's doing to go do what Mom says we need to do now. She's having too much fun. And somehow, she knows there will never be enough. She has to have it ALL... all the attention. All the love. All the toys. All the food. But, she is afraid to ask for anything, because all the grownups around her tell her this is BAD.
Toddler Barbie both seeks attention and shuns it. Toddler Barbie wants to be good, and wants to be known for being good. But that often means not getting what she wants, giving it up for someone else, because their needs have to come first... that's what "being good" is all about! And when it brings attention, she feels guilty at the same time as feeling she deserves the merit. Toddler Barbie is one messed up little girl. But isn't she charming?
The funny thing about Toddler Barbie is that once she sucks it up and does what mommy says she needs to do... she feels virtuous and right with the world and her Maker. She has won over the wilfulness. But sometimes it takes a tantrum to get to doing what mommy said.
Yesterday's blog was about the tantrum. Today's blog is about how good Thanksgiving feels... now that the table's being set and memories attend each preparation step. Procrastination is over. The real grateful in your heart recognition of the season has begun.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Sparkfriends! Inner children and outer ones... may your day be filled with memories... old ones, and new ones in the making... and especially memories of gratitude. Without each day of our lives, good and bad... would we be us?
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
some days the demon wins. Some days I do.
The demon is compulsive eating. The demon tries to tell me that she is the real me. The demon uses many tacks, and knows the cracks in my armor all too well.
Yesterday the demon told me that since my co-worker brought in home baked pumpkin cheesecake, even though I'd had a rocky week, it would be a crime not to have a taste. The demon told me it was OK to have the whole slice.
After work, the demon told me it was OK to skip my workout, because I needed to come home and relax since I'll be "invaded" by guests on Thanksgiving day. Then it told me I needed to have "just an ounce" of the cheddar cheese it had convinced me to buy to make my famous baked cheese balls... and then another, and another, and another. The demon told me I needed something sugary and chocolate next.
The demon is best at kicking me when I'm already "down". Not sure when the demon will be gone, I kind of gave it free rein... the demon gives false promises that it will leave if I just let it stay for a while.
While it hangs out and I let it, it wrecks my house (body), leaving work to be done when I finally manage to kick it to the curb or put it back in its cell. Where it waits for the next opportunity to worry at a crack.
It strikes in isolation, before and after holidays more fiercely than at the gatherings and events themselves. And it does NOT deliver what it promises or leave when it said it would.
To all my fellow Sparkers who deal with demons... may today be a day when the demon loses, and WE WIN! We're worth it, no matter what the demon tries to tell us.
Every day is day one, when you live with a demon within.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I have learned, gradually, over time, to not "freak out" over a bump up on the scale. However, it is important to pay attention to trends... and the past couple of months, the trend is not looking so great.
I am still "within range", so I can rationalize my way around the regain... it's only a few pounds, right?
Rationalization will get you back to where you started if you're not careful. With the holiday temptation season ahead of me, and knowing the kinds of "episodes" I've had on weekends lately, I need to be paying attention. I promised myself I was going to blog it all, even the bad news, because although I have many, many records of success at losing, I have NEVER recorded what was happening during a regain.
Why not? Because in my head, regaining is still a shameful event, a failure. This is NOT reality, though. Regaining is a normal part of the cycle of survival. In the primitive, there were times of feast (regains) balancing the times of famine (losing). There is no morality associated with the physical phenomenon.
Oh, yes, I can point directly at the behaviors and the days where the calories were well in excess of the range. What I'm trying to do NOW, in my self-pep talking, is to make this regain season a SHORT one, and maintain my way back to center to low end of the range. Goal weight is NOT a line in the sand. It's a range of good health.
Here's to living ONE good day at a time. Today. Spark on!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday I went to visit my sister in law. The one who was recently diagnosed with ALS after a long search for answers. I really wanted to see for myself how she was doing, and the answer to that is that she is bearing up with her usual strength and humor, appreciating all the help that she receives and doing all that she can. You can tell she still has her sense of humor because her immediate response to, "How are you?" on the phone was a dry and witty, "Peachy, just peachy!"
Her eyes still sparkle. She is in the "shock and awe" response to her diagnosis, but says she doesn't know what she was thinking in trying to teach this year. She said she was unable to recognize how unrealistic that was until she tried. She also said she thinks she probably shouldn't have been teaching last year, she required so much assistance.
Nonetheless, it is her calling, and what does one do? A year ago she / her doctors did not know what the problem was. The symptoms were there, but as with many, there is overlap among various ailments in symptoms.
I came home and started working on the house... T-day minus 3 and counting. And my program kind of fell apart, and still isn't back. I have decided to cut myself a break this week... I know we're not supposed to let our workouts slide, but... time is the ultimate limited resource. I had to talk myself out the door for work this morning... but once I was there I was OK.
The gals at work have larger groups and longer events for turkey day than I do... one has 19 people descending on her house to stay for 3 days. Another has 24 for dinner. I feel just about right with my 11 who will bring food and take it away. All I have to do is shovel out the house to my own level of "OK".
The family have much to be grateful for, with the one sister off her radiation now and recovering well, and another just having dropped her meds, and a brother in law having got off his diabetes meds. It does help to remember why we ARE on programs. It's not to be "skinny" or "small" or even "sexy"... it is to be the healthy human beings we were designed to be.
And that, my Sparkling friends... is a lot to be grateful for!
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