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Needing another self-pep talk

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Yesterday was a bad day. I won't go into details, because "other people" are involved, and my reaction to "other people"... no, none of my Spark buds, we're talking people in "meat space."

When I say "my reaction" we are talking about two levels: emotions, and actions. The emotions one has little control over. They come. The actions we *do* have choices about, and I didn't make the best ones yesterday in response to the emotions.

I have in the past mentioned that sometimes I don't even know I'm having an emotional reaction until I catch myself in the kitchen. Well, this one I knew I was having an emotional reaction but I had myself in that spot where I *did not care*! That's a dangerous spot.

Even before I left work, I found myself with peanut M&M's from the vending machine. I managed to drive home without taking a detour to acquire bingy foods. But I still had a few little nasty things sitting dormant in my cupboards. And I indulged, but at some point, I realized it was NOT satisfying me, and I stopped.

I still managed to bump the scale up for the morning weigh-in but I was ready to take a look at it and go through the assessment process. OK, I was feeling overburdened at work. And I was feeling resentful of what it is doing to my available time to work on athletic training goals. And then it moved on to feeling anger at myself for putting myself in the position of thinking I might fail in those goals. I reminded myself of my "line in the sand", and found the "I don't care" attitude. I resented having to drop back to that line in the sand.

I have fears about letting people down. Letting myself down. Not living up to the me I like to think myself to be. And I'm angry with some other people for not being up to certain challenges, too... and dumping their burdens on me... breaking the camel's back, as it were.

I feel weary of the cycle. I've been through it so many times. What is becoming more clear over the years is the part that some of these emotions play: how I set myself up to be dumped on by my personal style of being oh-so-helpful! Of not being able to refuse requests. Of being a people pleaser, never wanting to make people dislike me.

The thrill of losing weight and being successful lasts to a point then one of these patches shows up, and I start slipping and sliding, choosing to burden myself with all these things, and eating my resentment and rebellion... which leads to regain.

I'm sitting here, about 10 pounds above the lowest I got (I would panic when I dropped below 120 and eat extra to stay above it). Scared of gaining it all back. Scared of saying things that need to be said to people. Scared of changing me. But recognizing there is a need to do so.

My prayer is for the courage to change *me* in ways that will support *staying* healthy and active. Just for today. We'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MNTWINSGAL 2/15/2012 11:03PM

    Sorry to hear about your rough patch, Barb. Without prying, I don't know exactly what bothered you so much....but I do know it's bound to get better. And you'll get back on an even keel, and back into a place where you feel good about your successes again. Good ol' emotional eating will get back under control....because that's just how you roll!

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KARIDIAN1 2/15/2012 10:26PM

    Sounds like today was the day everything just caught up with you and something had to give. Feels good to vent on the blog and know that your SP buddies will be there for you.

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SUE_2U 2/15/2012 8:36PM

    emoticon It's so frustrating to be in that place, where we know we are not doing the right thing, but we are so angry about something else that we are doing it almost to spite ourselves?
I was there myself, yesterday. Not because of anything anyone else said, but because of my own body not cooperating with what I want it to do.
It's an ongoing struggle we have.
Just for today. Wise words I needed to hear, right now. Thank you. And bless you. You are one of those wise crones that tribes revered. One of those who knows mankind with true empathy and understanding, because you have learned so much through your own life and struggles and heart. (BTW "Crone" in such circles is quite a compliment, just in case you didn't know. I'm told that I'm definitely there, and have been for some time).






Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 8:38:46 PM

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WATERMELLEN 2/15/2012 8:32PM

    Bad bad day: sorry. Great great blog: thanks.

That "I don't care" spot is looking kinda crowded, and there I thought I was the only one occupying it.

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 2/15/2012 5:24PM

    Dude. Maybe it's time to take up your cat-lifting regime, again.
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Seriously, though, on Monday I found myself 10 lbs above where I wanted to be, too, and if Freaked Me Out.

I knew there was a problem last Wednesday but it took me 5 days and about 4 more pounds to get me to actually react.
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So Tired Of The Cycle, Too.
I will be a very happy person when I can finally demonstrate to myself that I can use a goal range limit for immediate correction.

As far as those pesky emotions, I have always wished I could be 100% Vulcan. Even Spock seemed a bit too emotional for my tastes. But there we are, sometimes my feelings just go there, - not very good at staying on a leash, LOL

And yeah not only do they go off leash, but they SNEAK over there and I don't find out until I'm having cravings or feeling down or a sudden realization hits me and then I'm in crisis mode having to deal with it Right Now, before any more damage is done.

Ugh.

I guess it's the price of being human.

Hang in there. You get to choose your actions, as you said.

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LJCANNON 2/15/2012 2:28PM

    emoticonYou mean I am not the Only One with an "I Don't Care" Spot?! We need to find some kind of Fence with No Gate to build around that thing!!
emoticonYou are hanging in there, and you are helping A Lot Of Us hang in there with you. Having a Bad Moment--or Day!--just makes us more Human.

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MSLZZY 2/15/2012 2:11PM

    Change is scary but you recognize signs that some
things must change. How or when will be up to you
to decide. Being taken advantage of, due to your
helpful nature, just puts a target on your back
for the next time. I'd be resentful, too, when it
has become so easy for someone to palm off their
responsibility because they know I would get it
done. Sit back, relax, reflect and then move on.
Take time for "you" and change what needs to
be changed. You have the power! HUGS!

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KRISZTA11 2/15/2012 2:09PM

    I'm sorry you had such a bad day : (
But it's good you realized the binge does not satisfy and you stopped.

It would be really really great if you could say no more often.
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Many years ago the company I worked with organized assertiveness trainings for us, and one of the key points was exactly this: everyone has the right to say no, without explanation (except the few obvious exceptions).
It did not help me immediately, but at least I realized that saying no is an option, and I got better at it gradually.
It is very useful with colleagues who try to dump their work on me, and with my kids who are the embodiment of assertiveness.

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KALIGIRL 2/15/2012 1:49PM

    Not caring is indeed a dangerous spot for me. Opens the door to my 'bad child' who relishes in rebellion. I have never used food as comfort, but resorted to other destructive behaviors including isolating myself to avoid the trigger emotions.

I too added those 10 pounds 'celebrating' (another term for rebelling against) the holidays and am slowly starting to take them off. We are not the same, my friend - you with your childlike joy of exercise and me with my love of freggies, but perhaps we can react the same. Perhaps we both can keep our bags in the car and take our frustrations out in the 'bright light' of the gym?

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_LINDA 2/15/2012 1:35PM

    Getting over being a people pleaser is hard when you have done it all your life. Women struggle to get out of this trap and that is why we have so much emotional eating and weight problems among others. We are supposed to be the nuturers, the supporters the comforters. That has always be our role nature gave us. How do you break out what is so natural?? How do we learn to say th words NO. I am a strange duck. I prefer to please myself more than others, and don't suffer fools easily. But on the other hand, I have found myself slipping into wanting to be all things to all people. That is when I have to take a step back, deep breath, slap upside the head and think what am I doing here. How far is it getting me, why waste the energy? Is this acomplishing anything? If the answer is no its time to get off the wagon. If they are dumping on you, its time to take a stand. You can't do everything and you certainly can't do other people's jobs for them. The hardest word in the language for a woman to use. NO. Start practicing.
Good luck..
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MIZCATHI 2/15/2012 1:32PM

    It's so frustrating when we find ourselves in a weakened state and reverting. But you have the right attitude - you seem to be able to take it one day at a time when you experience a setback. Like you, reaching for food is a knee jerk reaction rather than identifying the source first and coping... BUT, the point is that you recognized the pattern, and came to the realization that you have. It's ok, you've made it to another day.

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HOT4FITNESS 2/15/2012 9:24AM

    I can so relate. I have been so down lately. I am barely sparking, haven't blogged. May be time today. Hang in there. I am cheering you on all along the way.

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KATHRYNLP 2/15/2012 9:00AM

    Oprah's new Life Classes explains this dilemma as our ego taking over, and not our true self in control. I'm also trying to get a handle on my reactions to life situations.
The ego isn't always arrogance... it's sometimes what we feel, when we feel inadequate, or less than we think we are. Then we react negatively. I know that feeling, and I hate it. I'm going to watch another of Oprahs Life Classes... they're eye opening, to our real selves. I found it on oprah.com/lifeclasses. Please don't beat up on yourself... emoticon emoticon

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DEBRA0818 2/15/2012 8:14AM

    I can so relate to the idea of being scared by oneself -- we seem to have two minds, one of which is definitely not on our side, the other of which looks on in horror and shock at how duplicitous and self-defeating the other side feels and acts. Yet, our rational mind is capable of thinking through, not reacting (or stopping a bad reaction in its tracks) and falling back on the tried and true disciplines that help -- the best of which is Just For Today.

In that sense it is always emoticon.

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Happy Winter, people!

Monday, February 13, 2012

What? It wasn't an anomaly? It snowed *again*? Hey, by middle of January, I was thinking I had re-located, the Winter had been so mild. Then we had that wet, heavy snow a week ago, the deep freeze lows the weekend just ended... and a nice, fresh white coating this morning.

Anyway, that scotched my plotting on possibly swimming after work, as the legal homeowner "clear the walks" ordinance sort of dictated I needed to do something else active, instead.

I cooked down some cabbage and onion and added a beef bouillion cube to it... tastes almost like Runzas... only without the bread bakes around it. Nums! Good cold weather comfort foot.

The cats are rather clingy this evening. I think one of them bonded with my son yesterday, and wants me to be as interactive as he was (wore the cat out). But they shall have to wait, as Ariel the siren treadmill is calling my name. Must build mileage... gently!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNY332 2/14/2012 7:30PM

    I love Runzas. In Kansas, we call them Bierocks.

Anyway you look at it, they are pretty good and your version was a great substitute.

Hugs, Sunny

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LJCANNON 2/14/2012 10:42AM

    Definitely prefer the Snow to the Ice!! Stay safe while you are out there Shoveling!!
emoticonThe Cat / Heating Pads sounds like a Great Idea!!

Comment edited on: 2/14/2012 10:42:37 AM

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LEANJEAN6 2/14/2012 10:30AM

    Hi there!!--Happy Valentine's Day to you---- inspirational Lady!!--Lynda emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KATHRYNLP 2/14/2012 9:04AM

    I love the four seasons, and I'm glad it finally snowed. How else can I pine for Spring to get here... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KALIGIRL 2/14/2012 8:23AM

    Here's to opportunities to play or work-out!

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_LINDA 2/13/2012 10:39PM

    You are actually getting some winter? Wow? I thought we were too, but the temperatures are back up to near freezing and what little snow we had this winter melted yet again, adding to more icy streets and sidewalks. Its impossible to walk anywhere without encountering it. Oh how nice it would be to have a good heavy snow dump to cover this mess!!! There is nothing more fun then walking through a fresh fall of carpet like snow or have the snowflakes floating down, although with our usual winds, more like being piledrived in your face. I don't have to shovel, that is the caretaker's job, one of the few benefits of living in a mass dwelling unit. Sorry you missed the pool, I know I am missing my therapy pool already..
Never heard of Runzas. I would have cabbage boiled with some butter, that was all I needed to eat it :) The way you are having it sounds good though!
You can always use the cats as heating pads for your muscles after your workout if they are in a clingy mood ;)
Have a good evening!

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KARIDIAN1 2/13/2012 9:23PM

    Very light dusting that started around 4pm here in MN. Hopefully it will end soon, Have been very spoiled this winter without much snow.

Dinner sounded yummy.

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MSLZZY 2/13/2012 9:14PM

    Just a light dusting to us as we were north of the
snowline. It warmed up enough so even sweeping
was ruled out. The cats got clingy after one day,
huh? Poor things miss him already.
Hope your workout with Ariel went well. HUGS!

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WATERMELLEN 2/13/2012 8:53PM

    Lots of fluffy white stuff yesterday here too . . . and sparkly with today's sunshine too.

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SUNNY1432 2/13/2012 8:40PM

    So you missed your swim but Way To Go with hitting the treadmill. Find a laser for the cat and hit will be hours of entertainment for you and it'll wear him work too.
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Sunday afternoon

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Spend a "semi-productive" visit with my son, while he borrowed my garage for a painting project. We walked over the hill to Subway for some lunch, while we waited for the primer coats to dry, then walked around the neighborhood while waiting for the top coat to dry.

I made arrangements to chauffeur him to the airport Thursday morning (at O-dark-thirty), so he won't have to leave a car there. Instead, he'll leave his vehicle in my garage, probably at this point "for the duration". I've promised to exercise it while he's gone, rotating between my own vehicle and his. Guess I'd best get that side of the garage good and cleaned out before Thursday, huh?

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNYWBL 2/13/2012 3:54PM

    What in the world was he painting with the short waits between coats?


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KALIGIRL 2/13/2012 1:26PM

    Sending hugs to you both.
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MSLZZY 2/13/2012 10:16AM

    I know you will miss him but you had some
quality time together. HUGS!

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KATHRYNLP 2/13/2012 9:10AM

    Our children always have need for us... for life! emoticon

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LEANJEAN6 2/13/2012 8:01AM

    You are a good Mom to herlp your son----- Happy Valentine;s Day to you too!--Lynda emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 2/12/2012 11:37PM

    So glad you got an afternoon with your son before he goes! I love Subway too, but as I don't have one near me, never get to go :(
Hope you can get some sleep tonight..
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KARIDIAN1 2/12/2012 9:30PM

    Sounds like you had a wonderful Sunday.

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 2/12/2012 6:59PM

    Good luck and God's blessings to your son. Happy to hear you had a good afternoon with him.

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APRILLSCOTT 2/12/2012 6:16PM

    Much prayers for your son. Love how you have made a project out of this though. I know it helps.

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ANDI571 2/12/2012 5:51PM

    I had the same question as Sunny. Send him lots of love and thanks from Ohio. Love to mom too. emoticon

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SUNNY332 2/12/2012 5:46PM

    Is it this week he goes back to duty? Wow - seems like the time has flown. Is he going to Afganistan?

Let me know so I can put him in my prayer journal.

Love Subway.

Sunny

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Workout #4 - it's about trust and balance

Saturday, February 11, 2012

This was not a challenging workout in terms of the weights lifted. Heaviest was a 15 pound kettlebell. Several of the exercises were body weight only. BUT... there was this one done on this funky machine where I was sitting on this pad about chest high for me. The exercise calls for me to have my lower legs between pads to hold them in place while I lean back into the void, and crunch back up.

For most folks, this might not sound like a big deal, but for those of us who are a bit on the "scared of heights" side... ummmm.... errrr... That's where the "trust" comes in... see, a part of me is scared if I let myself lean back, I'll overbalance and bring the whole contraption crashing down, me head first with my back arched.

Didn't happen, of course. The trainer cajoled me into it, and I found if I closed my eyes, I didn't freak out as much.

The rest? Lots of balance things... like a one-legged deadlift with a kettlebell. Cross-over reverse lunges. Stepups with a lunge on the step off. A couple of plank exercises, including T-planks. Oh, and "shelving" a 10 pound kettle bell... starts in a squat, extends to an overhead shelf on the opposite side.

One of my legs is *not* fond of the lunge... kept wanting to tilt me over and lose balance. Same leg has just as much to say about that one-legged deadlift. I swear I was wind-milling and then starting to laugh at myself, which is fatal to balance, let me tell you.

Still, we soldiered through. I'm back in the gym. And glad to be there.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNYWBL 2/13/2012 3:48PM

    Whoops, my comment went on the wrong blog!

It sounds like you are getting wonderful and varied workouts. Yea for you!

Comment edited on: 2/13/2012 3:52:07 PM

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MSLZZY 2/12/2012 2:48PM

    Sounds interesting! Can I be a mouse in the corner
and watch? If I was a fly on the wall, I know what
would happen LOL! Good luck and enjoy the gym.

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SUNNY332 2/12/2012 7:27AM

    Sounds to me like you did good with Workout 4.

Awesome. Do have a good day.

Sunny

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_LINDA 2/12/2012 12:46AM

    What a tough workout!! I have the same problem with lunges. I have good on balance on one side of my body, but look out for the other side!!
I wonder why that contraption had to be so high? I have seen something similar, but you lie back on a tilted table and lift up from there,so no chance to fall back into nothing. Don't know if I would ever be advanced enough to try those moves.
Good for you!!!

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FITFABJENN 2/11/2012 9:24PM

    Sounds to me like you rocked workout #4!

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SUE_2U 2/11/2012 9:09PM

    emoticon You rocked it out! emoticon

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KARIDIAN1 2/11/2012 8:45PM

    Sounds like a good workout.

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MOBYCARP 2/11/2012 7:58PM

    OMG. Next thing I know, you're going to be a hardcore Crossfit addict!

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BARBAELLEN 2/11/2012 6:47PM

    Good going!

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WATERMELLEN 2/11/2012 5:47PM

    Nice workout! Hope you enjoy your son run tomorrow!!

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Things are looking up

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Another good night's sleep, feeling rested as I contemplate the day ahead. Last night I e-mailed the trainer and confirmed my next session with her for Saturday morning. Yes!

I might just do a "light" strength workout after work tonight, to remind my muscles they have jobs beyond the snow shovel... guess *that* episode last week has to count! emoticon emoticon

Knock wood, it's Thursday already and I've worked every day... only two more to go and I can say I've worked my second full five day week in 2012... gee, this year is flying already!

Step count is increasing again, back to the normal break walk totals, as my pace picks up. And son has invited me to jog with him Sunday, which will probably be my last opportunity to do this in 2012, and I'm counting it as a bonus, because I thought the one we did January 15th was going to be the last.

Life *is* good. We *are* worth taking care of! Spark on! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNNYWBL 2/10/2012 5:42PM

    We are all SO worth it! emoticon

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SUNNY332 2/10/2012 5:28PM

    Awesome news, Barb. You have really had a tough start to 2012 but now are on the mend.

Way to go continuing your walking no matter what.

I am totally impressed.

Sunny

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KARIDIAN1 2/9/2012 9:36PM

    Glad you are on the mend and getting back to normal.

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 2/9/2012 7:28PM

    Glad to hear that you're feeling better and getting closer to 100%. I have to admit that now that we're back home, I'm actually looking forward to getting back on the elliptical again.

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COMETER 2/9/2012 7:16PM

    So glad that you're doing better, and able to enjoy doing the things you like with the people you love.

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_LINDA 2/9/2012 1:09PM

    Great news!! Enjoy getting back into exercising, especially that wonderful bonus jog with your son!!

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MSLZZY 2/9/2012 10:19AM

    Things are getting back to normal. Enjoy your
jog and have a great weekend!

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KALIGIRL 2/9/2012 8:33AM

    Sounds like things are indeed looking up - glad to have you back 100%!

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