Sunday, February 19, 2012
Here we go again. This was one heck of a week: I had over 21,000 steps last Sunday and another 18,000 on Monday, starting to build mileage for the half in May. I thought.
And then starting Tuesday, I just sort of crashed and burned (see vent blog and continuation). I started out well on Thursday, with somewhat improved food behavior... but then Friday was a bit of a train wreck. I had the overnight program monitoring job, and left work early. My intention was to nap, but all I ended up with was a couple of hours with my eyes closed and my brain running, then a couple of hours of real sleep before getting up at the normal time my charged task begins, a little before midnight. Next two hours were watching other things that precede it creeping at a snail's pace... and my own "child" didn't start until 2:23 a.m. Frustrating. But not a problem.
The job finished about sunrise, and I napped again for a couple of hours at 9 a.m. The weird food behavior continued, but at this point, I think I'm done with that. I started re-asserting better behaviors with some cooked cabbage and a fresh orange noonish.
Still not able to sleep, I ended up reading and pacing the house. I'm in the midst of George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones Series, and it's hard to put down. I'm getting toward the end of the third book, A Storm of Swords.
Went to bed at a normal hour. Arose at a normal hour. Have some after effects of the disruption in routine, eating, exercise, and sleep all three disrupted. While I may have had "dreams" of dealing well with it... I really didn't. But I know all I have to do to recover is go back to following the plan: gradually increase activity, drink my water, get my sleep. I will start feeling better, really I will. Because the old bad habits do *not* feel good. And the new ones *do*.
To our health. One day at a time!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Venting blogs can be very freeing. Thanks to all my Spark buds for your supportive comments yesterday.
The bad behavior with food continued ALL day yesterday, as work held a "food day" and I was still in "I need chocolate" mode! I compounded it as I went to pick up a prescription and brought some stuff home that I was craving. I caved to the crave... went with the flow, admitted to myself how much this morning's duties and their implications were influencing it.
I'm just home from the airport, sending son off. Last time I sent him on such a gig, it was six months before I saw him again. He left me his car, his keys, the works.
Anyway, waking up early to take care of this particular duty, I felt downright LOUSY! Self-inflicted. The body does not LIKE these meltdown behaviors. It WANTS to be nurtured and treated well. It's like a hangover. I've never taken a drink of alcohol, but the description of a hangover is what I see myself going through when I get bingy with salt and sugar now. My body knows what healthy feels like, and it rebels in turn to the punishment I put it through the past couple of days.
SO! Enough already. The work things that were bugging me? Re-delegated back to those who handed them to me. I'm not sure I entirely got to the point of "advising" rather than doing it for them... but I limited the amount I did, and handed it back as an example of how to continue with the next task.
I am hopeful for today. I think the food behavior will be better. And I *shall* take my break walks (I did yesterday).
One day. Every day is day one!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Yesterday was a bad day. I won't go into details, because "other people" are involved, and my reaction to "other people"... no, none of my Spark buds, we're talking people in "meat space."
When I say "my reaction" we are talking about two levels: emotions, and actions. The emotions one has little control over. They come. The actions we *do* have choices about, and I didn't make the best ones yesterday in response to the emotions.
I have in the past mentioned that sometimes I don't even know I'm having an emotional reaction until I catch myself in the kitchen. Well, this one I knew I was having an emotional reaction but I had myself in that spot where I *did not care*! That's a dangerous spot.
Even before I left work, I found myself with peanut M&M's from the vending machine. I managed to drive home without taking a detour to acquire bingy foods. But I still had a few little nasty things sitting dormant in my cupboards. And I indulged, but at some point, I realized it was NOT satisfying me, and I stopped.
I still managed to bump the scale up for the morning weigh-in but I was ready to take a look at it and go through the assessment process. OK, I was feeling overburdened at work. And I was feeling resentful of what it is doing to my available time to work on athletic training goals. And then it moved on to feeling anger at myself for putting myself in the position of thinking I might fail in those goals. I reminded myself of my "line in the sand", and found the "I don't care" attitude. I resented having to drop back to that line in the sand.
I have fears about letting people down. Letting myself down. Not living up to the me I like to think myself to be. And I'm angry with some other people for not being up to certain challenges, too... and dumping their burdens on me... breaking the camel's back, as it were.
I feel weary of the cycle. I've been through it so many times. What is becoming more clear over the years is the part that some of these emotions play: how I set myself up to be dumped on by my personal style of being oh-so-helpful! Of not being able to refuse requests. Of being a people pleaser, never wanting to make people dislike me.
The thrill of losing weight and being successful lasts to a point then one of these patches shows up, and I start slipping and sliding, choosing to burden myself with all these things, and eating my resentment and rebellion... which leads to regain.
I'm sitting here, about 10 pounds above the lowest I got (I would panic when I dropped below 120 and eat extra to stay above it). Scared of gaining it all back. Scared of saying things that need to be said to people. Scared of changing me. But recognizing there is a need to do so.
My prayer is for the courage to change *me* in ways that will support *staying* healthy and active. Just for today. We'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!
Monday, February 13, 2012
What? It wasn't an anomaly? It snowed *again*? Hey, by middle of January, I was thinking I had re-located, the Winter had been so mild. Then we had that wet, heavy snow a week ago, the deep freeze lows the weekend just ended... and a nice, fresh white coating this morning.
Anyway, that scotched my plotting on possibly swimming after work, as the legal homeowner "clear the walks" ordinance sort of dictated I needed to do something else active, instead.
I cooked down some cabbage and onion and added a beef bouillion cube to it... tastes almost like Runzas... only without the bread bakes around it. Nums! Good cold weather comfort foot.
The cats are rather clingy this evening. I think one of them bonded with my son yesterday, and wants me to be as interactive as he was (wore the cat out). But they shall have to wait, as Ariel the siren treadmill is calling my name. Must build mileage... gently!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Spend a "semi-productive" visit with my son, while he borrowed my garage for a painting project. We walked over the hill to Subway for some lunch, while we waited for the primer coats to dry, then walked around the neighborhood while waiting for the top coat to dry.
I made arrangements to chauffeur him to the airport Thursday morning (at O-dark-thirty), so he won't have to leave a car there. Instead, he'll leave his vehicle in my garage, probably at this point "for the duration". I've promised to exercise it while he's gone, rotating between my own vehicle and his. Guess I'd best get that side of the garage good and cleaned out before Thursday, huh?
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