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Mental kindness has to include...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

accepting your strengths, not just your weaknesses.

In swapping comments with WATERMELLEN about the mental toughness coaching sessions, I told her I have little trouble with the concept of being "part of the masses" versus "the elite". I expressed that this went against my egalitarian emotional identity.

From my youth up, I've been trained and have discovered in interactions with others that EVERY human is an amazing creature. May not be crazy about each and every one, and each and every one can't be depended upon to be crazy about ME, BUT, everyone has a story.

Steve Siebold preaches that most people fail at weight loss and getting fit, but "YOU aren't one of them", that YOU can become and are becoming a success, part of the small percentage of those who succeed... and that's when my talk-back begins.

You see, deep among the things that block me from being "world class" is a desire to fit in, to belong. It's close to the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of need... survival comes first, but belonging is close behind. I think that there are times when I (and others like me) undermine my own success because I don't believe I would truly belong in a culture of the world class. That somehow they are different (and, claims Siebold, they DO think differently). And I'm trying to get back to being "a part of the masses".

Yet, do I truly belong among "the masses", either?

Truth is, human beings are complex. We are all elite. And we are all "the masses". Some of us fear our success will take us away from the familiar where even if we're miserable, we are "at home". In the end, it is mentally kind to allow ourselves to grow, to achieve, to be strong where we can be strong... and to reach for our personal goals and the stars! And along the way? You will find Spark people who ALSO are reaching for similar goals and stars... and suddenly find... that YOU BELONG!

Life is good... Spark on! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 4/21/2012 8:27PM

    I don't like the "elitism" of Siebold's "world class" talk which also sounds, frankly, a little dated -- like 1990s style "world class cities" talk. Toronto has always been too preoccupied about whether it's a "world class city". Well, yikes, of course it is!

And of course we're world class. And of course we're also part of the masses. We want to be (and are) unique. And to be recognized, accepted and celebrated for our uniqueness. But we do not want to be "braggy" (women suffer from that more than men, I think). We want to belong too. (And women will be ostracized if they are too vain, too braggy).

Fact is (I suspect, because you haven't bragged about it here!) you have accomplished a lot in your life. Have a great kid. A responsible job. Where you are well liked and respected. Are well liked within your family (MOBYCARP will attest to that!!)

Fact is: very few people lose weight and keep it off. You have. And you will continue to do that!

So -- setting aside that odious "world class" diction: Yay you!!

Comment edited on: 4/21/2012 8:28:34 PM

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_LINDA 4/20/2012 1:02AM

    We are snowflakes. No two alike. Not even identical twins -they have their differences too. Here is to being our own individual, making our mark in the world however we choose to do so. Be the Spark!
You go girl!

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REJ7777 4/19/2012 1:03PM

    When I started on SP, I was amazed to see how much I was learning from blogs written by ordinary people like me!

I agree that there's fear and insecurity when we go out of comfort zone. It can really hold us back. It takes courage to be the best we can be! emoticon

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SUE_2U 4/19/2012 2:10AM

    Excellent points and thank you.

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SHARON10002 4/18/2012 3:35PM

    You are making terrific progress! Very insightful blogging!

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1CRAZYDOG 4/18/2012 12:17PM

    Bonus points on this blog! I spent so much of my life just trying to "fit in". Never wanted to be in the masses necessarily, but lacked the self confidence to strive for the elite. You hit upon a major truth though, and that is, we are all a mix of being part of the masses in some areas of our life, and being a part of the elite in other areas of life. It ISN'T cut and dry . . . one or the other. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I always had self-esteem issues becuase of my height . . . ridiculous, I know, but that is where my head was at. THE gradually, in my career, I learned that I had a brain, was going places using that gift of my brain and it was NOT dependent on my height. I learned that those who judge me purely on my height were missing out on ME . . . and you know what? That is all right! As you said, it feels god to be liked, but you're not going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you either. And that's alright! Tolerance is definitely required for everyone, but we have to accept that we're not going to be universally liked. I'm ok with that.

My son, throughout his life, has had certain challenges and he has taught me a valuable lesson. EVERYONE has strengths and weaknesses. The key is to use those strengths to balance out the weaknesses, not deny the weaknesses. Imagine . . . my son taught ME that lesson. Proud Mom moment.

Wonderful . . . no . . . BRILLIANT blog.

Comment edited on: 4/18/2012 12:19:22 PM

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FITFABJENN 4/18/2012 8:15AM

    Life IS good! Have a terrific weekend, Spark friend. Excellent, insightful blog.

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Mental kindness is sometimes accepting help!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

For those of you (and me) in the world who feel like it's OK for everybody "except me" to need help now and then, this blog's for you!

Who appointed you as having to be more than human? Seriously, mental kindness has to include giving oneself a break now and then to holler "help" and go seek it.

Whether that help is a phone a friend (remember who wants tobe a millionaire?), a poll the audience ("hey Spark buds, whaddaya think?"), or a 50-50 (THAT one is a bad answer!)... help sometimes gets us through a rough patch, even if we go right back to independence.

The secret to long term success is recognizing that the journey never ends. It isn't really about numbers on a scale. It's about living life, fully, feeling good. Things come up. They do! Families, work, injuries, illness, loss... celebrations and sorrows alike can throw you for a loop.

After a very bad week last week, I happened across two appointments last Saturday that I had made weeks ago. Part of me didn't want to go. But I went. And I came out with help, and renewed purpose.

The first help resulted in my coming out with a pre-planned week of food. I don't have to think about it this week. I look at the paper, pull the stuff, pack the lunch and snacks, and live my day. When I get home, look at the paper again, fix what it says for supper, have the evening snack it says... and I'm done.

In my mind it is kind of like a Spa... where meals are provided. OK, not quite, I still do some prep work... but I don't have to think about it.

The second help was the personal trainer, who worked my *** off, and I'm still feeling it on Tuesday, folks. What the help there was kick-starting the motivation. I love being able to do what she asked of me.

Anyway, these two things got me thinking about "help" and how sometimes I think I don't need it, that I don't want it, and it's not worth it. I can get really stubborn about that... then when I slip up, get really upset with me, and it spirals. That's hardly kind.

But getting the help? Deciding it's not only OK, but worth the investment? Priceless!

Be kind to yourself today. Life is good. Spark on! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 4/21/2012 8:19PM

    Asking for help . . . . is tough. It helps if I think of asking for help as giving someone else the opportunity to "reciprocate" or "pass it forward". But yeah. Easier to be the helper than the helpee!!

I just remind myself of how much I dislike "friendships" where I'm always cast in the role of the recipient . . . doesn't feel good, not at all. Not really a friendship, actually.

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_LINDA 4/19/2012 6:24PM

    Unfortunately, I am used to gettting help, sometimes a little too much. Mom has done a lot of sacrificing so she could help me with my various ailments. But when the shoe is on the other foot, she won't accept any help readily..
That help you got was very timely!

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ALOHAEV1 4/17/2012 10:25PM

    As always, emoticon blog!

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COMETER 4/17/2012 9:12PM

    You've led me to think about planned eating a little more positively.

Mental kindness is a great theme--I often start beating up on myself about something, and then ask myself, what would my BFFs say about this? They would be kind. And then we'd find something to laugh about.

And then I'd find it easier to back out of the kitchen.

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SUE_2U 4/17/2012 5:01PM

    Wow! that sounds awesome!
You know, this is me. I can't usually bring myself to ask for help. I don't think it ever occurred to me when I was younger, either. I always was the one that gave but never took and felt very uncomfortable accepting anything. I think that being so ill for so long, I kind of learned to accept some help and that is a good lesson to take home. Learned the hard way, of course!
So glad you are getting such good help!

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MAYGIRL14 4/17/2012 2:23PM

    Great blog, Barb! As a matter of fact, think I will print this one out for the front of my fridge! Great reminder that it's okay to accept and to ask for help!

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DEBRA0818 4/17/2012 12:30PM

    Sounds really good, Barb! In addition to not feeling worth it, sometimes I get into the toddler-like "I can do it myself!" except that, of course, I cannot. If I could do it myself, I wouldn't still be struggling all these years later. Surrendering to the idea of help is a very, very positive step.


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1CRAZYDOG 4/17/2012 11:18AM

    Hurray! What an insightful blog. Sometimes when we ask for help things aren't done exactly the way WE'D do it, but who says there's only one way? Hard lesson that I've had to learn!

Kudos to you for seeking help and taking that help.

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AUNTB63 4/17/2012 8:42AM

    Love this blog. Your thoughts are a powerful message for so many of us. I like the fact that planning meals is such a relief during a busy week. Also those written down menus are a good reference for another week. Most of us don't look for help, not do we know what to ask for, but you are right...we don't need to be super human all the time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. emoticon

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EBEAMS 4/17/2012 8:32AM

    Good for you on both "helping hands"! You know, the best part is that you did it for yourself - to be the best you can be! I can't wait to hear about your adventures with your personal trainer! Woohoo!

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Mental Kindness begins with...

Monday, April 16, 2012

There are so many starting points to being kind to oneself. However, I'm going to start with one that folks might have vocabulary troubles with of their own (as I do with the "mental toughness" vocabulary).

"If I'm kind to myself, isn't that just another way of giving myself permission to behave however I want?"

Well, no, it's not. I think of mental kindness as mothering my inner child. Good mothers do not let their children run wild. When the child begins to misbehave, the good mother does a little diagnostic work, right?

She determines what's been different about the child's day/week/surroundings and then comes up with a plan that works... FOR THAT CHILD. Because every child is different. The plan *could* be a swat on the bottom and off to a time-out corner or "go to your room and think about it". It could be a mutual distraction: "Go outside and play until dinenr time!" It could be a hug and a shoulder to cry on. A listening ear. And sometimes it's a cookie and a glass of milk! emoticon emoticon

Yes, there is even a place in the life of a child for the occasional treat. But the treat should not become a substitute for the love and careful consideration of what the real need is. The plan doesn't always work, every time, it's something of a trial and error figuring out what works with any given child. So we might change plans the next time.

But if we skip that step of assessment of the real need, and doing something about it, the temptation is to try to "fix" things with food, which is "easy"! Mental kindness is being a good parent to yourself.

Sometimes that good parent is one of Dad's little talks about the way life is... and you can equate that to some of the Mental Toughness lessons. Especially the hard ones: people are watching you, things are expected of you because of XYZ, you are a role model, people are attracted to or make judgements about you based on your size and fitness and appearance. Hard lessons, but true, nonetheless.

And sometimes that good parent is one of Mom's hugs and the reminder that YOU are special, and precious, have value and are worth taking care of... and she's there for you! Sometimes followed by the practical suggestion of something that might help... and sometimes leaving it for the child to figure out what will work that *isn't* the whole bag of cookies!

So... are you being mentally kind to yourself? emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 4/18/2012 1:31AM

    So true. Always a struggle not to berate myself for being dumb and so forgetful.

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COMETER 4/16/2012 9:22PM

    You hit the nail on the head--food taking the place of what we really need. And kindness (combined with wisdom) being the key to working it all out. Nice!

And thanks.

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ALOHAEV1 4/16/2012 5:22PM

    This is one of those, why isn't this on the most read? I know it spoke to me, maybe this old gal can finally learn it's okay to be kind to yourself, outwardly and inwardly.

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1CRAZYDOG 4/16/2012 2:02PM

    What a wonderful blog! It IS like us parentint our inner child. Without assess situations first, you are not sure how to address the challenge. If we take that step, the challenge will be addressed appropriately and a lesson learned.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 4/16/2012 9:47AM

    I think mothering our inner child is one of the toughest skills to master. We want so badly to be accepted and loved that we sometimes are hard (mean?) on ourselves to try to become what we think other people want/expect.

I have been working hard to mother my inner child for the past few weeks. When I remember (that's the key) to stop and ask myself what it is I need, why I'm feeling this way, why I'm acting this way, etc., I can usually calm myself down and figure things out.

It's when I act first/ think later that I get myself into trouble. Very hard habits to break. But as long as we continue to keep trying, you and I both will be better off for it.

Great blog, Barb. Have a great day!

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WATERMELLEN 4/16/2012 8:04AM

    Really like this! And a lot of the time, yeah! I'm kind to myself. Fresh red raspberries; red cowgirl boots; time to listen to the red-winged blackbirds on the golf course! (There seems to be a theme here: and I'm hoping it's not self-indulgence!!).

Loved your comments on my Spark page about Siebold's "elitist" vocab, the "world class" versus the "middle class" etc. It's a core belief that doesn't work for me either . . .


Siebold tells us most of those who sign up for quit by day 3 or 4: and if not then, at day 13!! You didn't quit.

What per centage of those who sign up for SP lose weight? And what per centage drop out? SP isn't telling: but anecdotally, I see a lot of great people leaving . . . . without achieving their goals. We miss them.

And what per centage of people who lose weight keep it off? National Weight Loss Registry says . . . I think . . . 5%. You are not quitting.

So: "objective reality" indicates to me that you're probably and reluctantly "world class" in Siebold's terms! Sorry Barb. I KNOW you don't wanna be "world class", just fully human. And you are that too, yes you are!!

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SUE_2U 4/16/2012 7:59AM

    Thanks for writing this out. I loved it! And agree wholeheartedly. We do all have this inner child that needs some nurturing, and nurturing is not spoiling.
I do have trouble being mentally kind to myself. I rake myself over the coals too often. Sometimes I do things that sabotage myself. Still learning what not to do as well as what to do.
Sparking on! Thank you! And your video was awesome. I loved it!

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Mental Kindness Video Blog

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Video response to Steve Siebold's Mental Toughness coaching sessions from And I actually say some NICE things about it. emoticon

edited to add:
If you don't want to hit the play button, it's OK... this is the first time I posted a video blog and it's about five minutes long. If I do any in future, I'll probably try to make them shorter!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CURVYELVIESAYS 4/19/2012 10:55AM

    Great blog and will check out the website thank you.

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ALOHAEV1 4/16/2012 5:15PM

    Absolutely loved seeing you...super kewl. And everything that was going through my head has already been said. Except perfectionist doesn't describe me, impatient and queen of procrastination. Now to go back and revisit your blogs.

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SUE_2U 4/16/2012 6:59AM

    It's so very, VERY nice to hear you and see you in video! I can't seem to stop grinning!
Yeah with my hearing I did not get every word but I did get some and that part I think is well said. Spark On, my friend!

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_LINDA 4/15/2012 9:10PM

    Well said, and very well spoken Barb! You have made an awesome debut in a video blog!! Enjoyed hearing your voice and seeing you move, it was like having a conversation with you in my living room!! I couldn't agree more with being kind to yourself. Treating yourself like would treat your best friend is essential to success.
Spark on indeed!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WATERMELLEN 4/15/2012 8:56PM

    This is terrific: and it's so great to hear your voice! And see your certificate all printed out!!

The older I get, the more I believe that kindness is the central moral virtue. It never hurts to be kind. And if we are going to be kind to others, we have to begin by filling the well of kindness: being kind to ourselves.

I'm betting, however, that Steve Siebold would not quarrel with anything you say here. He IS kind. Incredibly so. His tone of voice, his facial expressions . . . the very fact that he had posted so much free material on the internet -- all of that speaks to a generous and kind personality.

And gotta say I love the irony (I'm sure you do too) that a video blog on mental kindness by a recovering perfectionist required retakes!!

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EBEAMS 4/15/2012 8:46PM

    THAT was awesome! It was so nice to hear you process information, to hear the rhythm of your verbal communication. It will make reading your blogs from now on even better! I'm totally with you about the need for nurturing to overcome the LOUD critical voice that hammers at my heart. So glad to have someone on my journey who understands ... Thanks for sharing ... you did GREAT!

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1CRAZYDOG 4/15/2012 8:35PM

    Excellent video blog. VERY glad that I viewed it and thank you for posting it.

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MOBYCARP 4/15/2012 8:00PM

    I usually bypass video blogs, but I can make an exception for relatives. emoticon

I appreciate your condensed version of the Mental Toughness course, as right now I'm not finding regular time for serious motivational thought. Perfectionism versus "home weight" deserves some contemplation, too; the idea of being able to not track and maintain is very attractive. I just don't trust that *I* can do it.

My perfectionist tendencies may be weaker than yours, but they're still there. I'm not sure anyone with perfectionist tendencies can ever get rid of them. Perhaps the best we can do is change the focus, and strive for the perfect balance in life rather than striving to be the perfect athlete or the perfect employee.

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CONCHA77 4/15/2012 6:53PM

    Wow, Barb! Crazy Cool emoticon
You did get this right, enjoyed it very much. I want More! haha.
Thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it very much. Hope to see more.

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SUNNYWBL 4/15/2012 6:26PM

    I finally bought a new CPU which allows me to see and hear these video blogs. It was great to see and hear you my friend!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MNTWINSGAL 4/15/2012 6:15PM

    Hi Barb....How cool, watching you speak! I admit, I didn't have the time to watch the whole blog, and will get back to it later. But I just wanted to say, you look and sound great!

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So long to Mental Toughness - Day 21 homework

Saturday, April 14, 2012

So, the motivational slump? Ends in facing the music, right? Went to see my dietary consultant this morning, and fessed up to my bad behavior with food. I know darn well I feel better when I eat better, so I have a one-week plan to start addressing THAT area.

Then I went off to keep my last appointment with the personal trainer (my birthday present to myself last November was a six-pack of PT sessions). It was a good workout, and with machines I *don't* have available at home.

She's moving! Of all things! So this really is my last chance workout with her. She gave me a reference to another gal who is currently on maternity leave but coming back in June, so if I decide I want to continue periodic sessions, I can do that.


1. On a scale of 1-7, 7 being best, how strong is your sense of urgency for getting fit?

This week, about a 3. Trying to get it up a bit. I started out this course fit. I ran a ten mile race the first week. Motivation/urgency has been unraveling the entire series of video, as I find myself emotionally "talking back".

2. What will be the next big goal you will pursue once you get fit?

Why wait? My goal is to achieve balance in my life.

3. What one big dream would you attempt if you knew you couldn't fail, now that you're thinking bigger than ever?

I already had this dream before I started, and I am on track to complete it: a triathlon, Sprint distance, this Summer.

To be honest, I'm glad to be done with this series. A lot of stuff has been swirling around emotionally, and the "Mental toughness" coaching is all about stopping from being emotional. Well, I got news. I am an emotional creature. I have to learn to deal with my emotions, not deny that they exist.

Granted, coach Siebold says one should "motivate with emotion" and "act/decide based on rational thought". But he really doesn't have much to say about dealing with and accepting emotions, so he kind of strikes me as being a "guy motivator", and I did not respond well to his style. Although, in the end, I agree with his conclusions... I have to find different ways to motivate ME.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REJ7777 4/15/2012 9:26AM

    When I read the first question, I realized that when I first got out of the hospital after the heart attack, my motivation to get healthy was 7 on 7. But it went down to about a 3 about 1-1/2 year later, when I got stuck on a plateau and then started gaining again. It helped me to reflect on that. My motivation is about a 5 right now.

Love your answer to the 2nd and 3rd questions! emoticon

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EBEAMS 4/14/2012 9:14PM

    Congrats on sticking it out. I'm sure that you learned stuff about yourself that you might not have thought about before. Growing, stretching, learning ... it's good for us! Best of luck on all your endeavors! Keep up your fabulous work!

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WATERMELLEN 4/14/2012 9:00PM

    Not so sure it's entirely a guy/gal thing because I . . . . pretty girly, actually . . . . . "read" Siebold as intensely emotional himself. He's so full of praise, of caring, of support, and so motivating! But yeah, he is mentally tough too . . . never seen anyone in action who combines these qualities so completely.

You've done this journey your way . . . and Siebold is all about being willing to consider other points of view (you did that, for 21 days) and then "thinking for yourself" (you've done that too).

Hope you printed out your graduation diploma!

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MOBYCARP 4/14/2012 8:50PM

    Your blogs about the Siebold question have been an interesting and educational echo of his system. I thought about signing up for it shortly after you did, but decided that I was so busy in the rest of my life that I was unlikely to treat it respectfully and get real value out of it. Maybe down the road, if he's really a "guy motivator." But first, I have to get through maintaining diet and exercise during crazy work season.

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CONCHA77 4/14/2012 7:06PM

    Spark On!

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_LINDA 4/14/2012 6:05PM

    That part is just wrong. We are all emotional creatures. Everything we do is based on how we feel. You can't just turn that off. Not unless you are Mr. Spock with pointed ears!!! Even with all our emotions, women are considered mentally tougher then men. Think a guy could ever go through childbirth?? We were designed to take pain and responsibility for the nuturing of life. Nothing more fierce then a momma bear protecting her cubs!!! So get out there and make your cub proud of you and Just. Do. It!

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1CRAZYDOG 4/14/2012 5:00PM

    You have definitely learned a lot about yourself going through that course, and seems to me THAT'S the bottom line. You did good!

I am an emotional creature, too, and guys just don't "get that". I am very lucky to be married to a wonderful man, but he is NOT emotional at all . . . not on MY level, I should say.

Well, have a great weekend. You're the tops!

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MNTWINSGAL 4/14/2012 4:36PM

    Well, congrats on sticking to it, even though you decided that ultimately this program isn't "for you." You gave it your best and now you can move on to the next thing on your horizon.

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KALIGIRL 4/14/2012 3:08PM

    Here's to knowing what works for us and following our own paths to health!

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 4/14/2012 3:05PM

    Just learning what you have about yourself made the journey worth it -- even if you didn't agree with his style 100%. Feel good about the progress you've made. And good luck as you continue to train to achieve your goal of the triathalon!

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