Wednesday, January 30, 2013
So after my "ex" vent yesterday, I went out on foot in the chilly damp morning to find a flower shop, because I wanted to see the physical blossoms I was ordering in ex and son's names. And it gave me a nice 3.44 mile walk in weather that was "bracing". Sometimes bracing is good. Heck, almost always bracing is good.
Then it was a day of waiting on the airlines, watching the flight schedules and alerts, and that mixed emotions hug at the airport. So relieved son is home! One last hug in the garage, sending him off with his wife for their own homecoming... I think I saw her turn the car toward the house they are buying for a drive by on their way home.
He was so exuberant on that last hug, though, he showed off, by lifting his mom off her feet. It's an odd feeling, being picked up by your offspring. But he's young and strong. And home.
Ex called about an hour later because he was fretting over the weather and flight delays, too. NOW it's hitting him that he's not going to be there. He said he didn't think he could take seeing her empty house. Sigh.
Later in the evening Son called to make arrangements for us to go to this morning's funeral as a three-some. So I went to bed in the comfort of knowing that whatever the weather was going to do, we had a plan.
This morning, clear off then get over to the kids' apartment in a few hours, and we shall proceed to the church. I had to snap a picture of God's laughter, or "today's workout is sponsored by Mother Nature":
Public and catholic schools are closed, but I don't think that applies to funerals. So... this weather wimp had best get her rear in gear and get that driveway cleared. Judging from the neighbor's drive half handled, we're talking about four inches, kind of wet and heavy... very pretty. And a workout.
Live today, TODAY, in the moment. Spark on!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Yesterday afternoon, I stayed at work a little longer, about 45 minutes, to get things wrapped up before I left. I had made the decision with the family uncertainty about travel arrangements and my role, I would be better off just planning to not come in today as well as the day of the service itself.
I got home to an e-mail from my ex that he's NOT making the trip. So, no 4 a.m. train meeting. It dawned on me this morning that I am both disappointed that he's not coming and angry that he's not making the effort. So many emotions from the past.
I know, intellectually, that I can't live someone else's life, or make their decisions for them. Yet for 22 years of marriage (and some time before that) I believe I may have been (heck with the "may have been" - WAS) trying to "fix" his life and make him happy.
You can "wish" all you want for someone else to "do something"... but it's NOT your job to manipulate them into doing it. Yet it would be foolish to allow them through their inaction / unhappiness to manipulate YOU into paralysis, waiting for them to settle on and start pursuing a dream so you can share it. In my case, I would have been waiting forever. I am sad that he is not taking control and making things happen in his life any more now than he was back before we wed or while we were married.
I thought over the mistakes of our relationship. I could not seem to stop short of getting out of the marriage. I grieve over that, too.
===== the Spark intersection ========
In Spark this morning, I found the featured article about whether we should SHAME the obese into losing weight, the way the social stigma related to smoking reduced the rate of smoking. While this may work for some people, for others I honestly believe that the social stigma attached to something they don't believe they can change can make things worse. Statistically it might work well, but for certain individuals (including myself back in the day)? No way. Is it worth the sacrifice of those individuals to get a statistical result? Obviously some folks in public policy / health must believe so.
I pondered over the differences in how people are motivated. Some of us need to be given slack / give ourselves slack, permission to not be perfect, therefore freeing us to action. Others need to be told to "man up". It's all so very internal. One might find inspiration in others, but in the end, the action step has to be taken by oneself. As sad and angry as I might become over the choices of someone I care about, they are his to make. And I must let go all thoughts of control, and make my own.
So today, I shall LIVE this day, jumbled emotions and all. The choice is for LIFE. Which is good, even when it is sad. Spark on!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Unexpected things happen all the time. The best deal is to have a plan, but not be so tied to it that anything "unexpected" derails it. And be committed to the spirit of the plan, even if the letter of it gets screweed up.
This week I have hanging over my head the possibility although not the liklihood of my ex showing up and calling at an odd hour. He lives 1200 miles away, and doesn't fly, has lots of excuses for not driving, had talked about possibly catching a train. I offered up housing and local transport should he make the effort to come.
He's always been unpredictable and it used to drive me crazy (one of the reasons we are ex-es). But this is his sister that we are bidding farewell and godspeed to, so for this week the rule is "cut him some slack", but don't let him get in the way of taking care of my own health needs.
I also have the uncertainty of whether my son will get released on leave early enough to make the service... I mentioned that yesterday, but he's 95% hopeful at this point, and I look forward to his homecoming whether it comes in the midst of or in the wake of the funeral activities. But we don't control the airline schedules or the speed of the military wheels.
Woven in around all of that are the normal events of life, attempting to *be* normal. I will go to work in a few moments... meetings to have, topics / puzzles to distract me... potentially interrupted by requests for support in the efforts to expedite getting home from my son. If those happen, my workplace already knows what I'm facing, and is incredibly supportive... for which I, in turn, am extremely grateful.
At times like this, the big times... we see it coming and brace ourselves with the stability of an eating / exercise plan. It's a ritual of self-care habit that underpins as the rest of life swirls about.
But is this not also true of EVERY week in our lives? Every week has the potential of disruption. Taking care of ourselves, accepting that we cannot control every little thing, and letting God or other people take care of their part is a key to living well... and to recovery from compulsions.
This is life. LIVE today! Spark on.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
I posted on my status that I ran / walked 12.35 miles yesterday, but the numbers only tell such a small fraction of a run. I was running with Carol (my sister in law who passed) on my shoulder. I was talking with her as I ran. And my choices of where to turn and continue were partly guided by the process of dealing with life.
I ended up taking a turn into a neighborhood I hadn't been in to in a long time. Down that street was a house where I babysat as a teen. The mom of that family happened to depart too soon, too. At the end of that same block, the house where a math teacher I had adored had lived. He, too, it turns out, passed way too young.
I kept on running, up toward a Mall, by the site of a church (that is no longer there, neighborhood's changed) that was the place of much of my childhood Sunday School training. Past a nursing home, and into another neighborhood, where one of the church ladies who was widowed the same year as my dad had lived. Then to the gym, and back around the lake one more loop.
It was a memory run. A good opportunity to contemplate, process, assimilate the events swirling around, and for that matter, life in general. Some tears in spots (someone commented yesterday about runs with tears streaming)... not the first such run I've done. But also some smiles as the sun would break through the clouds and warm my back or my face.
Got home, stretched, showered, made the family phone calls appropriate to the day, and chilled 'til bedtime. Funeral is not until Wednesday, it will be touch and go if my son gets home, but he's working with his command chain to get exempted from one mandated class and home a shade early.
In short... took care of my own grieving needs, and made sure others have their "oxygen masks" on, too. It was a good day.
And we shall weather these life events... living them in the moment, and moving onward. Spark on, dear friends. Hug your loved ones. And nurture yourselves.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
For all of 2012, as I did event after event, I invoked two names at the starting lines. One was my sister in law's, the other my son's. Son is now safely stateside. Sister in law has passed at long last, peacefully with her daughter by her side.
This morning, when I leave the front door for my long run, my training run... it will be with her on my mind. The workout today, is in her honor and memory.
A strange transition has happened for me mentally in these, the Spark years. Some "bad things" have happened around me, I won't repeat them or count them, over these years.
In some years (my youth and young adulthood) I let bad things that happened paralyze me... I sank into myself, with the food, felt bad for those who were affected, but used this odd form of self-punishment as my way to feel a common bond, I guess. Because I felt bad that the bad thing happened to someone else, and guilty that it was them and not me. Warped, yeah.
Some people learn this lesson early, and it is a natural part of them. For me, it had to happen after age 50. We learn our lessons in our own order. Lesson one is the recognition that I can't wish bad things away. They are a part of life. I can't undo bad things that have happened. Lesson two is the "what can I do?" part: I can go forward to honor those who have suffered or are suffering. I can't live their lives for them. But I can hold them in my heart and do the things I can.
I need to take care of myself to do those things. And in the end, I run because I can. But I can run *for* those who cannot. Whole different mind set.
And it honors both that life is good, and that the bad is mixed in, and it's OK. Spark on, dear friends. Take care of yourselves, and honor LIFE! Namaste.
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