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That aura of "dissatisfaction"

Friday, June 11, 2010

So, my friends, you've done well on your program. You've fought the good fight. You made it to maintenance. Maybe even have been maintaining for a while. And then, that little devil-voice comes into your head...

emoticon (yes, she's ba-ack!) "Is that all there is?"
emoticon What are you saying?
emoticon "You're still not happy."
emoticon "All that hard work didn't solve your problems."
emoticon "The world is still full of woe. Just look at the folks that have lost loved ones, or are out of work, or have some debilitating disease."
emoticon Again, just what are you saying?
emoticon "You are no better than they... you don't deserve to be happy or healthy."
emoticon OK, I'm starting to recognize you.
emoticon "Yeah, how dare you be happy when I'm not?"
emoticon You're the voice of my ex. The voice of my inner demons and self-judgment. The voice of perfectionism.
emoticon "And you know I'm right, too! I tell you who you are and what you SHOULD feel! Because, I really am you!"
emoticon No, you're not me. You're a part of me, and you can talk, but you can't take over. See this? emoticon
emoticon "Yeah, so what?"
emoticon It's a boundary. It's a reminder that even though these thoughts are talking to me... I do not have to act on them or sink down into that despondent place. I'm worth taking care of, and I am hereby surrounding myself with boundaries... no matter what you say, I don't have to give in to you...

I can go take a walk to clear my head, so I can separate out your messages from my better thoughts. emoticon

I can eat a healthy meal or snack, instead of the candy or fat-filled junk you're pushing at me. emoticon emoticon emoticon

I can talk to a friend, write a blog entry, or sing a song. And how could I POSSIBLY make a difference in the world if I give up and climb down there with you? Yes, you may have a voice, but I have a powerful weapon against that negative voice... I have a history to look at... I have a mission to complete... to do my best to live a healthy remainder of my days!

Just for today, I will rejoice in the journey... no matter what other voices present themselves to me! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REJ7777 6/12/2010 7:37AM

    What a great blog! emoticon It states so well the inner struggle we all face when dealing with our weight. I especially like the way you end the blog with the wise choices we can make rather than listening to the inner disatisfied troublemaker! Here's to choosing wisely! emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/12/2010 7:37:56 AM

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LJCANNON 6/12/2010 12:08AM

    AWESOME BLOG!! It's as if you hear the Voice in My Head!!!
How weird is that? emoticon

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DEBRITA01 6/11/2010 2:12PM

    emoticon for reminding us that those voices are always going to be playing in our heads - no matter how much we weigh. Best to focus on the positive messages and disregard those old negative ones. It's all about choices isn't it?

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ANDI571 6/11/2010 1:59PM

    Those old demons always wants to haunt us and talk us into going back. Unfortunately, I did, and I am paying for it now trying so hard to get it back off.

Don't you listen to that old devil head. Keep listening to the angel head, it knows best.


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KALIGIRL 6/11/2010 1:10PM

    "to do my best to live a healthy remainder of my days"
The most perfect life mission of all!

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ANONALEE 6/11/2010 1:05PM

    The voice is also the voice of "why bother?" It reminds me of a sermon I once heard (which I blogged about in another incarnation) wherein the priest started listing all the woes of the world and said we may not be able to do anything about these things but we're not called to do nothing. In order to do "something" of course we need to be present and capable which is where your voice of reason and sanity is so helpful. Good working through, Barb!
emoticon emoticon

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THIAGRAM 6/11/2010 11:00AM

  So true! This goes right along with what you said yesterday! I am in charge of me, not the little devil on my shoulder or the voices from the outside world! Great thinking! Great blog! emoticon emoticon

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MZLADY77 6/11/2010 10:36AM

    GREAT BLOG!! CHOOSE TO DO GOOD AND HEALTHY THINGS!! Amen!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KASEYCOFF 6/11/2010 10:04AM

    Oh, Barb, that is really good! And it's almost like you've been listening in on the dialogue that goes on in my own head, lol...

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RITAROSE 6/11/2010 9:58AM

  Loved your blog! Good to learn to recognize those voices that play in our heads and call them as they are! You're right, a good walk helps to clear the mind again! Keep up the great work!

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BUGGYS 6/11/2010 9:32AM

    It' in s all about recognizing why we give in to temptations and how we overcome them...I have slowly learned that food does not replace a problem or a thought I am having...if I am stressed, I now take a walk instead!

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SUNNY332 6/11/2010 9:22AM

    We all deserve to be happy and happiness is an inside job. When we do what we are suppose to do, we are happy with ourselves and it spreads to our outsides.

Hugs, Sunny

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/11/2010 8:08AM

    This plays out in me, in various forms, daily. Thank you!

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CONCHA77 6/11/2010 7:59AM

    Great blog Barb, Makes me think.
No "horns" for me today, only halos.
Have a wonderful day.

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Time for a thoughtful one...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

So I put a couple of endorphin bubble filled blog entries just because. This morning I have been more thoughtful. You see, that work project that I swore was NOT going to undermine my exercise and healthy habits has kicked into a phase that's different.

The phase of meeting with lots of people and documenting requirements is past. We are now in the plate spinning of integrating different sets of requirements and juggling our way through construction. And that holds a whole different set of temptations for me.

Remember I confessed to being a geek? OK, folks, I program computers for a living. I love doing this. And this particular phase of a project has a siren song all its own as I get things "almost working" by quitting time.

"Just stay for one more test", my little inner voice emoticon says.

"But you need to take care of your health! You know what happens when you use up your energy on work... you become a couch potato at home!" emoticon

emoticon "But other people are depending on your output, and tomorrow there are so many meetings, you won't have it ready for them!"

emoticon "If you don't take care of you, the output will end... remember the last project? The fifty pounds that came on while you sacrificed your body?"

emoticon "OK, I give up. You're right... I can't torment you if you aren't here!"

Think about it people... whether your inner demon is about work, or the kids, or someone you have to take care of, remember that in order to do that thing you love, you first have to show up for the game!

Hope you're having a great week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLIEC 6/10/2010 3:58PM

    emoticon Beautiful blog! And I love the little demon and saint icons!

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REJ7777 6/10/2010 1:11PM

    "We have to show up for the game." I had been really exhausted and anxious at work during the weeks before my heart attack in January, sometimes working until 6, 7 or 8 pm. Other factors contributed to the attack (diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure and genetics), but stress was undeniably a major factor. I just could not find the time or energy to take care of myself.

Well, I'm still half-time at work. Doctor's orders until September. Sometimes it takes that kind of wake up call to realize our limits. It's hard to say "No", especially when people are counting on us! But if we don't, maybe our body will say "No" for us.

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KALIGIRL 6/10/2010 1:10PM

    So glad 'you' are winning!

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ANDI571 6/10/2010 12:05PM

    I loved the statement we have to show up for the game. That is a powerful statement. Well said. emoticon

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SROUS1340 6/10/2010 10:45AM

    Great blog Barb, I have to keep reminding myself of all these things too. Too easy to blow off healthy things to take care of "business" when the real business is taking care of ourselves health wise so we can be productive, happy and healthy. Love it!

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ANONALEE 6/10/2010 10:08AM

    Barb, this is great reasoning. The fact of the matter is, for most of us, the house will never be totally clean, the tasks will never all get done, the computer testing could always use one more run, etc. There are a million reasons why we should thrash ourselves daily to do more, but even so, it will never, ever all get done. So, why not take care of ourselves as a priority and let the other things wait until tomorrow. They will still be there, and if we take care of ourselves, so will we.

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THIAGRAM 6/10/2010 9:41AM

  This is so true! I love the way you have said this! It's not easy to take care of the #1 person in life. It sometimes feels selfish. But nobody else can sleep or eat or exercise for that #1 person. I am the only one who can take care of me! I am the only one who can feel what is inside of me and I am the only one who can deal with those feelings. I have to care for myself and my physical body, because nobody can do it for me. Nobody else can do that for me! I must not love me more than I love others, because then it does become selfish.
This came thought came from 2 blogs I read so I'm going to make it my own blog too! Thanks for writing a great blog!

emoticon emoticon

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SUNNY332 6/10/2010 9:37AM

    We all fight that inner demon, don't we. Good for you to put up a great fight. Know you are an inspiration to so many of us who battle daily.

Hugs, Sunny

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KASEYCOFF 6/10/2010 9:06AM

    Barb, that's really good - and I love your use of the emoticons for the pros and cons. Good way to analyze things and to check yourself. Clever lady, you!

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Running with the round-ballers, too!

Sunday, June 06, 2010

The NBA Finals are in action, game 2 is happening as I type. As it started, I hopped up on my treadmill, and determined that I was going to do my training run for real... let's get serious!

emoticon Maybe it was in honor of Rawlings (remember the basketball I tried to flatten to ship to my son?)... maybe it was memories of watching NBA finals in the past with my boy... or even memories of dribbling down the court and playing in the driveway as a kid...

But I jogged my intervals and pulled a full three minutes off yesterday's time. 37:32 for the 5K, covering 3.57 miles in the 45 minute program. And stretching. And feeling positive! Don't you just LOVE endorphins?

Here's to a great week ahead! emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALKINGANNIE 6/7/2010 4:55PM

    Crikey ! I hope there isn't a documentary coming up on trapeze artists if you're going to keep on joining in from home!


Seriously though, very well done. You're an inspiration!


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SUNNY332 6/7/2010 9:32AM

    You are doing AWESOME. emoticon Way to go....

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CONCHA77 6/7/2010 8:25AM

    emoticonSend some of your energy this way!!! emoticon

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MSLZZY 6/7/2010 8:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Have a great week!

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KASEYCOFF 6/7/2010 3:45AM

    Now there's no mean feat, shaving three minutes off from the day before! And yep, I'd say watching the game must've given you an adrenalin rush - good reason to watch athletics while you're involved in athletics, lol... emoticon

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KALIGIRL 6/6/2010 11:40PM

You've got a handle on this!

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LJCANNON 6/6/2010 9:56PM

    I LOVE My Endorphins!!! emoticon emoticon

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SMARTIEBEE 6/6/2010 9:22PM

    Endorphins are a wonderful thing! You are doing so well! November will be here before you know it and you will have a new PR!

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THIAGRAM 6/6/2010 9:20PM

  Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Happy to seeing you loving your endorphins!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Running with the ponies - Chapter 2

Saturday, June 05, 2010

I wrote about running with the Kentucky Derby... today I ran with the TV coverage of the Belmont Stakes. I missed the Preakness this year, as that was the weekend I was in San Antonio!

Of the three triple crown horse races, I admire the endurance race the most. And that would be Belmont! And it got me moving. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALKINGANNIE 6/6/2010 3:43PM

    I bet that this as at least as good as music to keep you moving!

It's great that you're able to combine an interest with your fitness regime.

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THIAGRAM 6/6/2010 3:28PM

  Love your excitement!! Have a great time!
I love your lacey background picture!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KASEYCOFF 6/6/2010 4:11AM

    Is there a 'Belmont julep,' lol? On a different note: I love the picture of your ginger kitty in the background. What captured her (his?) interest? :-)

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KALIGIRL 6/5/2010 10:29PM

    Endurance without a doubt.

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ANDI571 6/5/2010 10:08PM

    You are so commited. I see why you are at goal. You are an inspiration. emoticon

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SROUS1340 6/5/2010 9:37PM

    Sounds like a marathon!!! emoticon

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    Fantastic! What an inspiration you are!!

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MSLZZY 6/5/2010 8:38PM

    emoticonWhatever it takes! Have a great Sunday! emoticon

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SUNNY332 6/5/2010 8:16PM

    emoticon Good for you...

Hugs, Sunny

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Feelings I am working through today

Monday, May 31, 2010

This is the first Memorial Day I have lived as the mom of a deployed service member.

I don't even know how to open up the inner space full of my feelings about my son's service. Nearly four years ago, when he tried to express his own feelings about signing up, the words were conflicting: "I don't want to go, but I also don't want to be the one who sat out my generation's responsibility. Do you know what I mean, Mom?" In every young man or woman is an inner drive for honor. And there is an inner drive for self-preservation. The conflict between these drives must be resolved, somehow.

In this nation, service is not compulsory. It is a choice. Some places this is not so. While I do have deeply locked away anxieties for his safety, I am so proud that he chose the high road. Less than 1% of our citizens do! My inner fears are balanced by my desire to also live with honor. How selfish would it be of me to keep him from living his life with honor or to dishonor his choice?

We also serve who stay at home and wait. Those of us who love the men and women who have chosen the path of service and honor owe them support and honor, too. We can be no more selfish than they have been.

Today I stand as a proud mom of a U.S. Army Reservist, who is serving with honor on foreign soil. Stand with me. Whether you agree with the conflicts or not, respect that those who serve chose a path of honor, courage, sacrifice.

I pray that my son comes home safe. I know he came all too close to NOT being safe, less than seven months ago, while right here on US soil. I have names and faces etched in my memory of those who were not. My broader prayer includes every mother's son and daughter, on all sides of every conflict. May our strength lead to peace, to go along with that honor. May our leaders make careful decisions, and weigh the costs... for Freedom is not free... may we live our lives here to show our freedom to be worth the price that's paid for it.

And to those who have paid the price... a humble and heartfelt thanks.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THIAGRAM 6/2/2010 11:13AM

  Thank you for sharing your feelings about your son and also about serving for country! Because we live in such great abundance it's not easy to see the things that are happening and have happened to give us this great abundance. So I would thank our great God and all the men and women who are willing to fight for the peace and abundance which we enjoy!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KALIGIRL 6/1/2010 1:13PM

    emoticon to you and your son.
He is a shining tribute to his mom.

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SMARTIEBEE 5/31/2010 10:36PM

    Barbara, thank you for that wonderful blog! My son-in-law, a Marine reservist, is now in Afghanistan, after having served 3 tours in Iraq. They say this will be his last deployment, and he should be home by Christmas. We feel like we are holding our breath every day. But we know, this was his choice, and we are so grateful for his contribution to our freedom here in America!

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CONCHA77 5/31/2010 6:48PM

    You surely have a wonderful way of putting thoughts into words, I thank you for that. Well said. I really do enjoy reading your blogs,
Happy Memorial Day to you and yours, I include your son in my daily prayers.

Connie-Navy mom.

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LJCANNON 5/31/2010 6:27PM

    Your Family, and your Son's Comrades are in my prayers today and EVERY Day. AS are our Leaders as they make Life Changing decisions.
emoticon emoticon

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ANDI571 5/31/2010 5:56PM

    As a mother, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what goes through your head. I am sure it is worry one minute and pride the next.

Your son sounds very special, and is very special to do this for our country. We had 2 young men at church yesterday. They are getting ready to head out for their training and they were dressed in uniform. The pastor had them come up to pray for them, and the one's mother was there. He prayed for both of them. I watched during the service as the mother had her arm around her son, and I had to fight the tears back.

You had a very nice, well written blog. My sincere gratitude goes out to your son. emoticon

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KASEYCOFF 5/31/2010 5:13PM

    Amen, Barb.

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SROUS1340 5/31/2010 5:01PM

    Thank you. That was a really special share.

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NELLIEC 5/31/2010 4:27PM

    Tell him thank you from a grateful citizen! emoticon

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WALKINGANNIE 5/31/2010 4:16PM

    What a sensitively and beautifully written piece Barb. You honour your son with your pride and your anxiety.

Like you, I hope that nations' leaders make careful decisions and weigh up the cost of their difficult choices in terms of the human lives affected. Every life lost in conflict affects not just those who make the ultimate sacrifice but also those who care about them.

I wish your son and his comrades a safe return home.


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SUNNY332 5/31/2010 4:08PM

    My Military Momma's Heart thanks you so much for a beautiful blog today.

I too am praying that our soldiers return home safe and sound.

Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (NIV)

I also believe that He is with us as we go about our days. Let us also not be discouraged as he walks with us also.

Hugs, Sunny

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MSLZZY 5/31/2010 3:59PM

    A very profound blog from a courageous mom! Thank you for sharing this and your son!

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