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Side trips, wake up calls, paralysis, and all that jazz

Saturday, July 17, 2010

By the way, 26 years ago this morning, I became a mother. At the exact minute, I wrote on my son's FaceBook wall to wish him a happy birthday... yes, I'm into psychic symbolism!

On to the long personal whine about how I spent yesterday, i.e. the side trips, and all that jazz:

Some of you know that I grew up in a religion that "didn't believe in going to the doctor". It does things to your head, if the whole idea of going to doctors is an in-your-head debate anyway.

For some time I've been noticing in the night when I get up to respond to the dog's prompting, that my arm might feel "funny". I mentioned this to my doctor a while back and he asked me if it was always on the same side. I could not give him an honest answer... I'm that unaware. So, I started trying to pay more attention.

Last winter I had a weird thing happen with my middle finger becoming numb on the steering wheel on the drive home from work. When I removed my gloves, it was an icy white, compared to the other fingers. I bought thicker gloves and took care to flex my fingers when I'd stop at lights. That seemed to help that problem.

Anyway, I pondered over these things, but haven't been really doing anything about them. I have an annual physical coming up in August anyway, and started keeping a list so I can address them with the doctor then.

But YESTERDAY, on the way to work, I noticed my right foot start to tingle, and up my right leg. I remembered that my right arm had been doing the same thing when I got up to let the dog out at 2:30 a.m. The arm, well, like I said, I've been kind of ignoring it for a while... but I hadn't sat funny, and the leg added to the arm, and both on the same side. Of course, I walked around the block on the way into the office, expecting it to go away (like when your foot's asleep). Only it didn't. So, here I was at work, two hours later, debating with myself... should I do something about this or not?

Knowing the signs of a stroke, I went into the ladies room and grinned at the mirror. I wasn't lop-sided. I talked to people, and wasn't confused, and I could function, mentally. So I didn't think it could be that. Still, after a couple of hours, and with the encouragement of a work chum, I called the doctor's office and asked what I should do... and the answer came back... "get to an ER and have it checked out".

That is what I did with the rest of yesterday. In the end: they have no clue. They did an ultra sound of my carotid arteries. They did an ECG. They did a CAT scan. They did an MRI to confirm the CAT scan result wasn't anything to worry about. They ended up sending me home five or six hours later with a prescription for baby aspirin and no real results... just instructions to follow up with my regular doctor.

With my upbringing, I feel foolish. I'm still tingling. The next day. I have no clue what is really going on with my body. I kind of want to go back into that comfortable place of denial. The place that says, "You're imagining this!"

I am following the instructions to "take it easy", but there's a part of me that's afraid of how my compulsive side will interpret "taking it easy". How strange to observe oneself in this detached way!

Which brings me to another topic: recognizing what is normal for ME, and accepting that it doesn't have to be Super-Woman. But that will have to be a blog for another day. Here's to "taking it easy" in a rational, non-extreme way, and not freaking out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 7/18/2010 11:41AM

    Hmmmm. I have had the same thing and it turned out to be pernicious anemia. I don't visit the doctor often... and I usually feel pretty darn healthy so when that sensation began I was thrown off by it. It took a very persistent doctor to finally run the test for B12 deficiency to tell me that this is why I was feeling this numbness on my right side. Now I get B12 shots regularly and it has helped a lot! (I can tell when I do not get my shots as prescribed.)

This is such a complex thing: our bodies! But you are so smart to keep a list of symptoms! It could be so much and I bet your doctor will appreciate your list! They aren't mind readers nor can they actually feel what we feel so when we come in with nebulous information I would imagine it makes their job extremely difficult.

Best of luck on your search for the answer.

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WALKINGANNIE 7/18/2010 11:26AM

    Sorry that you had such a difficult day and that this was part of more general niggling concern. I'm certain that you were right to check this out and to follow it up. It's your body and you are the expert in knowing what's normal for you. Keep vigilant.

Congratulations on 26 years of proud motherhood.




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MSLZZY 7/17/2010 11:18PM

    Better to go check it out than to have something serious happen. Given time, you will get the answers you need. Taking it easy makes good sense. Have a great day tomorrow. emoticon

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ANONALEE 7/17/2010 5:05PM

    My husband and I used to be part of an emergency response team down in Florida during hurricane season and people down there usually felt pretty angry when they spent hours preparing for a hurricane that passed them by and did no damage -- there's something within us that wants to have our efforts rewarded, even strangely, with a diagnosis or some heavy wind at our door.

It has been a huge surprise to me as I've been aging that medical science is not that exact and that there is a mysterious algorithm comprised of timing, doctor, patient and who knows what that gets people to the right diagnosis.

If you can, follow up with your primary care physician regarding these symptoms -- they could be anything from a foot problem (known to cause all sorts of issues with legs and backs) to something systemic, to one of those mysterious things that happens without repeating itself.

I sympathize tremendously with the ER visit (as you know)!

Cheers,
Debra
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PENNYAN45 7/17/2010 4:11PM

    It sounds like you had a terrible day yesterday - with all the worry and with all the tests!

At least it's good that now you know it was nothing acute - or else the tests would have shown something.

Keeping a journal of your ongoing symptoms should be helpful. If your symptoms persist, you will be able to put together a better picture to share with any doctor in the future. (And you might want the future appointment to be with a neurologist, a specialist.)

Sometimes I do research on the internet - and sometimes I don't. It all depends on how comfortable I feel looking at and considering all the possibilities.

I completely relate to the problem of "taking it easy" in a rational, non-extreme way.

It feels a little like telling someone to go and sit down and, by the way, don't think about a horse. RIGHT!

I hope you have a restful weekend!

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THIAGRAM 7/17/2010 1:58PM

  Ouch! Sure hope you are ok! MS certainly would not be good neither would a stroke. My mom had a slight stroke a couple years ago and was told she was ok with the MRI and CAT scan. It showed up a couple weeks later on the MRI or CAT scan. They said it doesn't always show up right at first. She has been very blessed and has recovered very well! Sure hope you figure it all out! This kind of thing is not any fun to deal with at all. Good thing you are in good shape as you are dealing with this. I like the way you say to take it easy in a rational, non-extreme way, and not freaking out. Bless you!
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KASEYCOFF 7/17/2010 1:34PM

    1) The icy, pale finger sounds as tho it could be related to Reynaud's Syndrome.

2) If it's neurological and only on one side, could this be the precursor to shingles?

3) Knowledge IS power: start researching on the 'net to see what you can find. It's not alarmist, it's just common sense.

You a smart, perceptive lady, Barb. This is a serious enterprise, but not something to fret about. :-) p.s. Let me know what happens.

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VALI_T 7/17/2010 12:54PM

    I was going to suggest that you ask your doctor to look into the possibility of multiple sclerosis, but I see that someone has already done that.

I'm kind of on the opposite side of not liking to go to doctors. I went to doctors a lot as a kid, and I guess that was more or less okay. But as an adult I started finding that something was going on with my health and none of the doctors I went to seemed to give a darn about my symptoms. I'd go to a doctor and say "there's something wrong with me." The doctor would check me over and tell me "there's really nothing wrong with you." I got so darn sick of being treated like a hypochondriac that I just gave up on going to doctors except for my yearly pap smear.

That went on for quite a number of years. Then toward the end of 1995 my left thumb got numb. I tried to ignore it, but then my entire left hand got numb, followed bymy right hand and then both of my feet. I was driving a 120 mile round trip to work every day at that time and it was a pretty snowy winter that year. When I got to the point where I knew that I had to do something about this (or risk getting into a terrible car wreck) I went to the ER at the hospital where I worked. They checked me out and gave me a referral to see a neurologist, who got me in shortly after the start of the new year.

Anyway to make a long story a bit shorter, that's when I got my MS diagnosis. Your symptoms just sound so much like mine that I hope you'll at least talk to your doctor about the possibility of having MS. The thing about the finger turning white is not a typical MS symptom but is definitely something that you need to have looked into. I hope that your doctor is able to give you some answers soon.

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ANDI571 7/17/2010 11:18AM

    Don't feel foolish about going to the Dr. Even one of the disciples was a doctor. You did the wise thing, please take care of yourself and make sure you follow this up. emoticon

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 7/17/2010 10:36AM

    Check out the signs and symptoms of Multiple sclerosis. Maybe a neurologist should check you out. I hope you are ok. emoticon

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Milestones: day 200 soda-free

Friday, July 16, 2010

To those of you who have never been enamored of the bubbles... you can probably skip this one. It's a follow up to my pondering earlier in this blog-cycle over whether I'd let myself have a soda on 4th of July. I chose not to, aided by my sister having not stocked the bubbly!

I will tell you, I have an unopened 12-pack and two cans -- oops make that two unopened 12-packs and two cans -- in my pantry that don't even call to me, except on really hot days. But the big number 200 that I celebrated yesterday... keeps me going. There is power in streaks. Even if Spark isn't recording this one, I am (I didn't start keeping track on Day 1... I kind of backed into this streak... and Spark doesn't let you back-date a streak).

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 7/18/2010 11:32AM

    FANTABULOUS!!

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WALKINGANNIE 7/18/2010 11:19AM

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Well done Barb! Terrific!

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KASEYCOFF 7/17/2010 9:59AM

    Attagirl, Barb! That is a great streak, and a really powerful motivator, even if you didn't start recording it on Day 1. emoticon

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PENNYAN45 7/16/2010 10:05PM

    That is a really great streak.
Soda isn't good for anything.
(Except, as my husband says, it tastes good.)

GOOD for YOU!!

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PATRISNA 7/16/2010 1:34PM

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LJCANNON 7/16/2010 11:55AM

    emoticonCongratulations!! That is an AWESOME Streak!!
I never would have believed that I could break a Coke habit, but now that I have I am kind of like an Ex~Smoker. I can't imagine ever going back to it.

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HAPPYNSMILING 7/16/2010 11:36AM

    That's really awesome!!! I also quit drinking soda about a year ago. Ever so often, I take a sip of my husband's pop and I really don't like it anymore. I never thought that would happen...I absolutely loved Coca Cola (not diet).
Keep it going...you can do it!!
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CATHEITE 7/16/2010 11:23AM

    emoticon Thanks for showing that overcoming bad habits is possible, and even enjoyable. Good for you!!!

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THIAGRAM 7/16/2010 9:42AM

  Wow! This is a wonderful accomplishment! Especially with the stuff sitting in the pantry! Hooray for you!

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RITAROSE 7/16/2010 9:26AM

  Dear Barb,
Glad you posted this blog. It made my heart soar! Diet pop has been my undoing for years. Back in January on one of my teams there was a challenge to be pop-free for the month. I did it. On Feb 1 I told myself, I can have a pop now. Then I asked myself, why would I want to when I've gone a month without. That started my streak. You're right about those really hot days wanting one, but other than that I find I'm so much better off without it and I drink more water so it's a win-win situation.

A hearty Congrats to you! emoticon

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ANONALEE 7/16/2010 8:18AM

    Great going, Barb! I've tried to detox from DietCoke many times but could never give up completely. That is, until I spent the best part of a month in the hospital with "nothing by mouth" the standing order for 16 of those days. Suddenly I was Diet Coke free and now I don't like the taste or the carbonation! So, I guess unless I take a dramatic unnecessary turn back toward it, I'm free too!

Cheers, Debra
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LIBRARIAN01 7/16/2010 7:57AM

  Congratulations! That's a great accomplishment!

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COFFEEMUG2009 7/16/2010 7:56AM

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MSLZZY 7/16/2010 7:54AM

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PEGGYJEAN13 7/16/2010 7:47AM

    I think that is a streak worth noting. Congrats! I bet that was a tough one to give up!

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GIANNACIA 7/16/2010 7:46AM

    good for you; it is hard when you become addicted to something. You made a good choice by avoiding soda. Happy 200th day. emoticon

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Watch your language!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Ever notice how bad we talk to ourselves sometimes? We call ourselves "lazy", "failure" and say we'll never succeed? It's like a part of our personality has been taken over by all the monsters we ever imagined from childhood on: the bullies, the mean girls, the taunters.

Where's the nurturing voice in there? The "that's OK, they're just jealous", the "you'll do better next time", the "you're still lovable", the "you can do this" voice? The comforting arms the healing touch?

So... having a hard time with your program? Which motivates YOU better? The bully or the best friend?

Everybody's different, but the bully is not much of a motivator for me. If I'm not careful, I could start to believe what she's saying! I could go in to personal history, but the whole "I'm not worth it" thing plays in here.

The best friend is better for me. I have to be careful about choosing that "best friend"... some best friends are wolves in sheep's clothing, to use a cliche.

The best friend that says it's OK not to try? Lose her. The best friend that says "let's go get a pizza and blow off this workout"... well, shall we say, "limit contact with this one"? It's not like I can NEVER get a pizza and blow off the workout... but I need a best friend who gets that I only need one slice and I can only do this once a month, or every six weeks, if that often.

The problem with reverting to old means of coping with emotions in food is that, besides being scary ("is this the start of that downward spiral back to fat-land?"), it invites the bullies in. Sometimes it's better not to start.

The best best friend for me? The one that says, "let's go for a walk, we'll feel better", the one that says, "this, too, shall pass", the one that says, "you're worth it: look how far you've come", the one that says, "just for today, you can do this!"

Here's hoping the voice I offer to others, and the voice I give to myself, has words of encouragement... as a best friend!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 7/18/2010 11:31AM

    LOVE this blog... The BEST FRIEND is indeed the one who cares enough to keep you healthy!!! Having been the brunt of bullying for years and years, even now, I did internalize that voice. Maybe that was also what I was talking about this morning's blog. Maybe if I am positive I will fail and the bullies will be right. WHAT?!?!? That logic stinks! So, I'll keep working on the BEST FRIEND and leave the bullies behind. Perhaps this is my biggest challenge in all of this.

Thanks for sharing this. I need to listen.

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WALKINGANNIE 7/18/2010 11:15AM

    This is an example of why I keep coming back to your blogs Barb. You so get it - and you help me to get it too.

A lot of this is about how we present ideas to ourselves and to others about what our options are and the reasons behind our decisions.

Great blog!


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PEGGYJEAN13 7/15/2010 10:21PM

    There are plenty of those who try to sabotage our efforts. We should make sure we don't do it to ourselves. Thank you for saying this so well.

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THIAGRAM 7/15/2010 12:16PM

  So very well put! We are what we think and we become what we say. Thanks for your very encouraging, inspirational, and motivating words! Thanks for being my Spark friend!

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ANDI571 7/15/2010 11:21AM

    When I started gaining my weight back, the one thing my husband said he noticed was, when I was losing the weight before, I never beat myself up, or said negative things. He said he noticed I was beating myself up every time I would over eat, or not do something right.

You are right, we say things to ourselves, that we wouldn't say to a friend.

I have been trying to work on that.

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ANONALEE 7/15/2010 11:19AM

    I'm with you, Barb! Treating myself as a lovable friend is far more motivating to me than going all drill instructor on myself. Thanks for writing this.
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SMARTIEBEE 7/15/2010 10:01AM

    Barb, your blogs are always so insightful! And this one was, once again, very timely, and just what I needed to hear! I have been hearing that "best friend" voice, telling me it was ok to not do what I really needed to do. And the mean girl telling me " I don't know what made you think you could do this in the first place, you've never been athletic, you've never been a small person." But I argued back, and said "Yes, I was small once, no I wasn't all that athletic as a kid, but I AM LEARNING!" And then I went for my 4 mile run and loved it! So - Thanks for the motiviation!

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SHAPNUP 7/15/2010 8:04AM

    The words you offered to me recently were so needed and have been well-received. As you can see, I've been sucking some more encouragement from several of your blogs. Getting motivated! Thanks for listening, for responding, and for caring. emoticon emoticon

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HEIDE69 7/15/2010 8:01AM

    You are so right! We all should nicer to ourselves-sometimes it just easier to be the negative guy!

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CHELLESDOINGR8 7/15/2010 7:54AM

    Wise words of wisdom!!! Thanks for sharing!!!

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Day 22 of Blog-a-day for a month

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Goodness, it's been three weeks of daily blogs! I know I said "six days out of seven" for the next month, but I haven't missed a day yet. I think I'm getting addicted to these self-directed pep-talks!

And there are side benefits to the blogging pep talks... when I come and blog, I'm also likely to track. Tracking gives me confidence in my program.

Today's germ of truth: it's a process, not a project.

Weight loss itself can take on a little project aspect, BUT, if you notice, projects have an end point! Taking care of your health for your life time does not. So you have to cut yourself some slack, get over the deadline feeling, and do something right, just for today, or even just for the next five minutes. Then give yourself credit and hold yourself as a person with dignity.

These thoughts are not unique... you'll see them all over the Spark community. They are the reminders to ourselves that we are worth taking care of.

Bottom line: it's OK to mess up. It's NOT OK to GIVE up!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHAPNUP 7/15/2010 8:01AM

    This is just the thing I need to hear today. I'm cutting myself some slack and focusing on doing something positive!

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PENNYAN45 7/14/2010 8:12PM

    What a GOOD idea - to blog every day for a month.

I have found that when I write a blog - it keeps me so much more focused on this PROCESS (not project). (I completely agree with you that this is a process -- a LIFELONG process for me.)

At the end of your month, I would love to hear all the benefits you have derived from your daily blogging. And I'll bet there are more than just getting you to log in and track your food daily. There is something about writing that stimulates thinking in new ways.


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ANONALEE 7/14/2010 3:50PM

    Agreed! Doing the next right thing is a simple solution that many overlook for the big score, but it's a sure winner in my book and, I suspect, in yours.

Cheers,
Debra
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MSLZZY 7/14/2010 11:31AM

    I like the idea of this lifestyle being a process! You've expressed it in a very positive way. Thank you! emoticon

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THIAGRAM 7/14/2010 10:43AM

  Your blogs are such a great example and inspriation! I love the idea that this is a process not a project! Thanks!

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PEGGYJEAN13 7/14/2010 8:49AM

    I like that saying-I might steal it! I sure have had lots of experience with messing up, but I have NOT given up. Thanks for the reassurance. I'm looking forward to the rest of the month's blogs.

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PATRISNA 7/14/2010 8:44AM

    emoticon You are so right about this.



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POLARBEAR63 7/14/2010 8:13AM

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Keeping it green!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Random thoughts this morning - I read a newcomer post in my team "At Goal and Maintaining". I highly recommend reading newcomer posts as a way to keep your motivation and memories green. It dawns on me that it's been about six months since I started with that team.

Maintenance always scares me... because I'm a repeat loser, and a repeat re-gainer. I know from experience that for me, keeping healthy habits is a matter of caring, and a matter of doing, and a matter of energy and general health.

It's taken me forty years to get from where I was as a teenager worried about snide comments from classmates to the "little old lady in training" that I am today. Some of those years have been spent fit and happy. Some have been spent fat and miserable. And some have been spent in the other quadrants, too: fit and miserable, and fat and happy!

Disconnecting emotions from fitness and the number on the scale is probably one of the hardest things to do. Why is that? I think for me, it was easier to put the blame on the fat, than it was to address what else was wrong in my life.

So when I was miserable, not only did excess food serve as a comfort and as a way to mask feelings, it also served as a punishment. Once I had misbehaved with my eating, and gained weight, I could blame my unhappiness on the weight, and live with the fantasy that losing weight would solve all my problems.

Over the decades, I've learned better. I've addressed other health issues, and am continually working on things like my tendencies to perfectionism and imbalance... binge eating, binge cleaning, binge anything... I just seem to have that kind of personality: work on something to burn-out, then collapse in a heap for a while, and move on to the next thing to focus on to burn-out.

emoticon That game has stopped. Well, not completely, but at least I can see that I'm playing it, and give myself some caution signs. emoticon

That said, just for today... I am feeling grateful for a sense of balance. Just for today I will live my life one breath at a time. I will love life, because it is precious. May all who read share in that blessing, of living today just for today.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSLZZY 7/14/2010 7:05AM

    Very honest and enlightening from one perfectionist to another!Have a great day! emoticon

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THIAGRAM 7/13/2010 10:35PM

  this is so awesome that you realize all this and can put it into words so well! Bless you!

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FATESLADY 7/13/2010 1:48PM

    Sounds like the way to be. Thanks for the post.

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FIT-AT-50 7/13/2010 11:54AM

    What a great message. I like to post motivational quotes in places that I spend a few minutes a day. Your last paragraph is probably going to go on my bathroom mirror.

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Diane
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ANONALEE 7/13/2010 8:59AM

    A wise and wonderful post, Barb. Just returning from a 2 week stay in the hospital with serious complications that almost pulled me off the planet, I can testify to how sweet it is to be alive and to live in the day. My recovery, like yours and everyone's, is a long, non-stop process of learning to care for ourselves and be our own best guardians.

Cheers,
Debra<
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PEGGYJEAN13 7/13/2010 8:15AM

    Our emotions depend on much more than how much we weigh. It is a consistent battle to balance everything in our lives, and be comfortable in our heads, as well as our bodies. Knowing that does not make it easy, but should help to know that weight loss does not solve everything. I think that is a monumental realization.

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GOHUSKERS2 7/13/2010 7:58AM

    That's a hard thing to do but I thank you! And keep up the good work. I see you've lost 66 pounds, if my math is accurate. That is awesome!!!

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PATRISNA 7/13/2010 7:52AM

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