Tuesday, August 03, 2010
There are so many metaphors...
* A blog is like a personal journal, where you can celebrate or vent, remind yourself where you came from, or dream of your goals!
* Because it is public, a blog might be a little like a "share" in a group session! You're talking from your own experience, strength and hope. You put it out there and it blesses whoever it happens to bless... you have no idea who might be helped by it, you're just moved to write it!
In some ways a blog is the ultimate narcissistic exercise: it's all about me, me, me... how I feel, what I did, what I think or care about... what's happening around me, but mainly how that affects ME! Nobody really has to read it, not everybody may like it! If I write with the thought of getting applause, I may not write what I need to write today!
That said, is it cool to get supportive comments? You bet! But that can't be why I write, or I'll self-edit too much. I self-edit enough without that thought!
That said, yesterday's adventure was at the blood bank. For the first time EVER in my time of being a donor... I got "deferred" for not having enough iron in my blood (hemoglobin). They have fancier machines to measure now, and while not anemic, I didn't meet their standards.
My brother tells me he has to go longer between donations to get his built up. My one sister had the blood bank tell her "go see your doctor" this summer, because she was so low. But I've never had a problem. Of course, I haven't been in to donate since before my surgery last October! So, something has changed. Time to reassess what I'm doing with nutrition... again!
I read their list of iron-rich foods... I eat them, folks... my food journal will prove it! They mentioned calcium interfering with iron absorption. Hmmm.
Perhaps my change in vitamins and supplements (which was made pre-surgery) needs to be reassessed. They took me off almost everything, and I never resumed a lot it. Of course, it COULD just be that last week's one-day illness took its toll! In any case, it has me thinking, and I think I'll be re-introducing my multivitamin, and phasing out the "Anytime Bars" I have been using as a vitamin substitute.
I can do this. Give me a couple of weeks, and we'll try again.
Monday, August 02, 2010
In my decades of going up and down the scale I have discovered some of the things that naturally thin people don't think to tell their friends who struggle with weight. Oh, they may mentioned a few of them in passing, but many of us in our obsession with weight did not believe them!
The biggest one I ignored over the course of a lifetime was: "Losing weight won't make your life perfect".
Since my biggest lie to myself over the course of my first four decades of life was that all my problems were due to my weight... of course I firmly believed that if I only got rid of the excess pounds... oh, let's see some of the biggies...
1. The weight would stay off once I reached goal, no matter how I behaved.
2. My husband would be happy when I reached my goal weight and stay that way.
3. I myself would be happy all the time.
Wrong! On all three counts. What thin people don't tell you is that they have to deal with everything that those of us who eat to comfort ourselves deal with. Only they manage to do it without turning to excess food (a self-destructive behavior).
What I found out was what most of you already know:
1. Maintenance is as much work as losing, maybe more. "Be ever vigilant" is not a joke. It doesn't mean you can NEVER have food treats. But it does mean you have to be careful about how many, how often, and whether it's worth it! And you have to be extra careful to deal with Ms. Perfectionist who lives inside your head! The hardest part of all is remembering that it's worth it, that YOU are worth it. This is why I preach it so much in comments back to other blogs!
2. Husbands and wives, relationships in general are complex things. If you're losing weight to please somebody else... what happens when that relationship sours for other reasons?
Being a generally unhappy person, my being thinner did not make my husband happy. It just made him expect more of me. And when I was mad at him... there was a strong temptation to eat in retaliation, as well as to comfort me! The light bulb on that one came on about 15 years ago, and has stayed on, thank goodness.
If I'm going to do healthy things... I'm doing them for me... and I AM worth it.
3. Emotions that you dealt with by over-eating to suppress them... do go away, fade, become less intense as time passes. It's important to face, identify and acknowledge them so you can deal with them: fear, anger, resentment, sorrow, grief, sadness? Hey, it's OK to FEEL them! Yes, they hurt. But stuffing them down with food just transfers the feelings into something I considered more acceptable... it was OK to be angry with myself for eating. It was not OK to be angry at someone else for their behavior, in my old world-view.
What about angry words you stuffed down with that food? Weird things happen when you no longer eat to suppress them. Words may slip out you didn't intend to say out loud. You have to deal with not just the initial feelings but the consequences of words! I had been using eating as a coping mechanism rather than learning to deal with social situations and the anxiety they gave me.
Naturally thin people learned some lessons I skipped growing up! I've had to learn them later in life, and you all know about old dogs and new tricks.
My own secret: Old dogs CAN learn new tricks! Losing weight did not make my life perfect. Getting fit did not make my life perfect. But it has made it better. Here's to keeping that better, better!
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Six days out of seven, I said, back on June 24th.
So, as they say, "What's next"?
First, evaluate how it's worked out.
Very well, it appears. Blogging led to tracking. Blogging led to encouragement. Blogging kept me away from the video games... I even almost completely dropped two of the three, and cut back on the third. Blogging helped me look at my feelings.
What lessons have I learned?
I've learned I'm not as "nice" a person as I used to think I wanted to be. I learned that I'm more comfortable acknowledging my anger, resentment, and anxiety... as opposed to stuffing those nasty feelings down with an excess of food. Blogging is an outlet for them (even if I edit the worst of the nasty out before I hit the post button)!
I've learned that sometimes you can't let your feelings toward how you are treated or perceived stop you from doing what is right, even if it might look like some insensitive clods got what they wanted. I have to feel good about doing what was right in spite of lingering bad feelings. I have to pray for the bad feelings to be lifted, because you cannot "will" feelings away.
So, I'm going to continue the blogging: six out of seven days during August is my goal. Onward!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Progress photos. I've rearranged the pictures on the front page, and updated the profile shot to be "current".
But as I was messing around with the camera last night, I managed to surprise myself with the look on my face as I hugged the dog... so I had to share that one. I won't give up the one with the sisters from last weekend, though. And what I found had to move off the front page? My "really, really before" picture.
I hesitated, and then decided: it's time for me to accept and embrace this new size. To "stand tall and be small" as Kaseycoff told me to do. I love that motto. "Small pride!" I'm going to have to come up with a few more.
This doesn't change where I CAME from, mind, just a declaration that I want to stay here at "home weight", as WalkingAnnie calls it.
It's amazing what we pick up from our Spark Friends to keep us moving in the right direction.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Since last weekend was spent people-ing, I did not get anything done on the yard... regular followers may remember I'm working on "sleeping beauty's forest" otherwise known as nasty weed overgrowth. Since I *do* have to deal with things like allergens and sinus reactions to the same, I'm a little slow at this.
In any case, apparently some of the neighbors have not been happy with my rate of progress, and I got one of those neighborhood association notes in my mailbox about this tree:
I had already taken its picture (above) on July 10th. It was on my list. I just hadn't got to it yet. But oh, my goodness, we get the threat of being turned into the COUNTY, no less, for not controlling the vegetation! Does it look THAT BAD to you?
Regardless of my feelings about getting this ah-hem! embarrassing note, it must have served its purpose, because it got me outside at dusk one evening this week, at the risk of my allergies, and it now looks like this:
I wrote an imaginary insulting letter back to them, which I did NOT send, and hummed the tune to Harper Valley PTA and imagined snipping their little necks... and I'll never look at a neighbor walking their dog by my property again without just "knowing" that they are judging me... but... despite that "feelings" reaction, I do feel better when the yard looks better. So, like I said, did NOT send the letter.
Still, neighborhood associations are a little like the anonymous people who put notes in lockers in high school, telling someone they are a mess and ought to do something about their hair, makeup or weight. Just a more grown up variety. And if I really didn't want them watching over me, I shouldn't have moved into this neighborhood to begin with.
Now isn't that a better reaction than downing a pint of Ben & Jerry's?
Get An Email Alert Each Time ONEKIDSMOM Posts