Friday, August 20, 2010
Yesterday I completely forgot that the director was providing lunch. Of course these things are never healthy foods, but I usually make do by packing my healthy snacks and eating a salad before I head down. Last year I planned in advance and took my own chips (smaller bag with counts I trusted). Given I forgot, I packed my normal healthy lunch and snacks. I ended up leaving lunch and the afternoon snacks in the 'fridge for today.
They provided hot dogs in white rolls, baked beans, various toppings for the hot dogs, chips, and sweetened tea and lemonade. There was a cheesecake sale (for charity) and a bake sale (also for charity) concurrent. My friend caught me to go down early as her lunch time is earlier than mine. I had eaten my mid-morning snacks, so I wasn't ravenous.
I had the hot dog, skipped the beans, picked the least fat grams chips bag (baked, multi-grain), and had a little chili and some chopped onions on the hot dog. Skipped the sweetened drinks and the dessert. Still felt pretty full, but not bad for being a trifle blind sided.
On the son front: I got to exchange IM's with him after work last night (for me) which would have been the middle of the night where he is. I commented on his being up late. He responded that he's trying to re-adjust time zones in advance. He is in a holding spot for a while yet, but he's moving in the right direction - one step closer to home. My mom-gut feels so much better, and I'll deal with the uncertainty of timing.
Today's adventure is the dentist. Keep that smile intact.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm not sure I'll ever understand fully the "why" of the years of getting close to fit and back-sliding. But it is a reality of my history that I have tried again and again to get to where I am today... and managed not to stay here.
Some elements / pitfalls:
1. Thinking you're done, just because you reached a number on the scale or achieved an athletic goal.
2. Injuries, and not recovering well.
3. Losing focus as something else in life became more urgent and old stress-coping habits take over.
4. Boredom and rebellion.
5. Over-doing it and having your body scream "You're starving me" and go into self-preservation mode.
I think elements of these have plagued me several times. This is on my mind because three years ago yesterday was the "Feather Woman Invitational" - my joke informal triathlon that I invited my four siblings to participate in with me. It was an attempt on my part to keep the fitness gains I had achieved over the year and a half leading up to then... and over the course of the next six months I continued to try a lot of things to "keep motivated".
I tried participating in motion studies based on my then weight and height. I tried going a month without sugar. I tried Overeaters Anonymous because I was having periodic binges that scared me. I tried a volunteer coaching program that my work place and a local university sponsored. But I was slipping, and I knew it. I added one goal too many to the top, and then I tripped over the dog and messed up my toes and it hurt to walk! And all my "things to do" just got to be too much.
I spent a year and a bit in a huge emotional and motivational downward spiral. And my weight went the other way. It wasn't until my daughter in law started doing something about her own weight / fitness that I came along for the ride, a year ago last May. I was skeptical... but my goal was simple: I wanted to get back to that level of fitness I had in August 2007. I loved being fit. I wanted to get it back. I didn't care what the scale would say (OK, maybe a bit) I mostly cared about how I felt.
Today, I can honestly say that I have it back. I could use some further conditioning to get to true 5K shape, but I feel fit and able. One amazing thing about this particular time "around the block" is that I didn't stay in that depressed heavy spot AS LONG. My doctor helped. My daughter in law helped. The weight loss professionals helped.
Spark People helped, too, finding an amazing group of fellow travelers. I learned I won't die if I write something that says I wasn't perfect. I learned I actually get support if I write of my discouragement. I learned that reading their blogs and thinking and commenting on them boosted my own motivation and resolve, too.
Life is changing, as it always does. I can feel the change in seasons coming on. There will be challenges ahead: physical, emotional, mental, financial, spiritual. There always are. I believe the key to staying "here"... in that good spot of functional fitness... is to keep it a priority. Recognize how important it really is to me, and not let other distractions interfere with what I need to do to stay in shape for whatever life throws my way.
Here's to living today! And here's to having fellow travelers and kindred spirits for the journey! We can do this, we can be fit for life. Because life needs us, and we need it. And we're worth it!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It's hard when you are anticipating some joyous event, or even when you are dreading some unpleasant one, to stay anchored in "right now". I noticed this in myself this morning. It's been going on for a while now. It's the whole son coming home from overseas thing. Anticipation: good and not so good.
He could be in transit even as I type. Or not. It's hard to tell, and of course they can't tell you: security! And uncertainty, for that matter. Haven't seen his presence on line since Sunday, and have not heard from my daughter in law either (when she gets the phone call, she usually passes that kind of news along)!
The problem, emotionally, is that I so deeply desire a particular outcome: safe arrival, obviously. And at the same time, there are unknowns: how will he have been changed by his experience? We've been in this situation with him gone for close to a year... how will re-integration turn out?
So, hovering around with this anticipation uppermost, I'm up early. I'll pamper myself with a veggie omelet for breakfast, since I have the time. Maybe head to work a little early and get an extra walk around the block in the cool of the morning. Whatever it takes to anchor me in the present... because part of me wants to get to the future already!
On the note of time passing: it's the first day of school here! Remember to drive carefully!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
This is inspired by a blog this morning by JUST_TRI_IT, where she observed her own goal-orientation.
Goals are a slippery thing for me... I'm not sure HOW I feel about them at this point in my life! Goals can become obsessions with me. And once met, an emptiness... what do I do now?
One problem: I'm a competitor at heart - I want the A, I want the applause, I want to be first... but the reality is, I am NOT gifted in every area of life. I learned in childhood that I would rather "not try" than come in second! I could lie to myself "If I really wanted to, I would win".
Also, from youth I'd been taught that it was WRONG to brag or put oneself above others. So there is this internal conflict between wanting recognition and achievement and NOT wanting it, if you know what I mean.
Consequently, I have issues when people begin to compliment my successes, and I will tend to self-sabotage. At the same time, I love to encourage others in the common struggle... because we really CAN do this, and it's important for our collective health and well-being.
Human beings are complex things. A huge win for me was learning to compete not with others but with myself. That works great when you are young and fit... as I get older, I fear that even competing with myself might become a problem! After all, my personal best 5K time is getting close to 20 years ago. I haven't competed in one in many years.
When I said I wanted to do this one in November, because it is a meaningful cause... I had to be very careful to NOT set up expectations in myself of beating that 20 years ago time! So... my goal at this point is to just DO it. Old ad campaigns rule.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Fessing up: I got cocky with how well I'd done with the cheesecake on Saturday, and on Sunday succumbed to nervous nibbling. I was craving salty things. And I had made the mistake of purchasing some of those "100 calorie" packets of things like cheese curls and baked chips.
Got news... I'm sure NOBODY knows this... but 100 calories is still 100 calories and one little packet nibbled after another can add up in a hurry. I was well over my limit by the end of the day and am paying the price this morning for the excess sodium with swollen sinus passages. Funny how the consequences show up so much faster these days.
So, halo slipped there. Time to take my own advice and treat myself gently and get back on track starting right now. With my steel cut oats breakfast and a gentle but firm attitude toward that inner toddler who was pressing her limits yesterday!
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