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Approaching "home" - the OTHER challenge of maintenance

Thursday, September 02, 2010

One of my major problems in past efforts at "maintenance" has been knowing when "done" is "done". You can get hooked on the numbers drifting downward, you know.

Sometime in August, the scale dipped below 130 for the first time and I kind of freaked. The last time I saw the scale register "12X", I was entering college. Um... 39 years ago. I began to wonder if I had reached that point of "too far".

The past couple of weeks I've been thinking more and more that "this is home", meaning that I'm where I want to be, in terms of number on the scale, size of clothing, etc. I don't really want to go lower: I feel healthy. I think I look healthy.

So... this is my declaration of residence... between 125 and 130 is my new "home range". And I'm going to do my best to "keep house" here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APRILLSCOTT 9/3/2010 11:26PM

    I once lost 60 pounds! Maintenance is where I could not hold the show in the road! To me it is worse than losing the weight! I look forward to turning to you and some of the others to be able to tell me where I went wrong last time! So get it all down pat before I get there! emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYJEAN13 9/3/2010 9:07AM

    It is hard to know when to stop and once you decide where the stopping point is, how to manage it. Just another puzzle to figure out.

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KASEYCOFF 9/3/2010 5:08AM

    I think REJ has hit the nail on the head: maintenance really is very much an 'ongoing' process. It's not as tho you reach a certain point - in terms of weightloss, or BMI, or fitness - and say 'Well, I've arrived. I can get off the train and stop now.' It's continual. There's the proof that it truly is a lifestyle change, because you are figuring out the details of your 'new' lifestyle. People who have never been overweight still weigh themselves, and (I assume, not having been there myself for very long at any one time, lol) if they see their clothing sizes suddenly going up (or down) it signals them to find out what's going on. I like that you have given yourself a range; it sounds like a very good plan to keep you at your healthiest. Kind of like Alice - keep adjusting until you hit the 'just right' balance in the middle. :-)

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REJ7777 9/2/2010 9:51PM

    emoticon Maintenance is just as much of a challenge as weight loss, if not more so. I've succeeded in losing weight several times, but I've never succeeded at staying at goal. You've put together a healthy lifestyle that will enable to do just that! "Keeping house" is work, but oh so worth it!

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MNTWINSGAL 9/2/2010 9:48PM

    Way to go Barb! You look great, you feel great, you are at a healthy weight. You are definitely home!

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ANDI571 9/2/2010 9:40PM

    I'm glad you finally made it home. I wish I would have done that when I orginally lost my weight. I never made it home. It was like 5 or 10 more pounds. I think I put way to much pressure on myself. It wasn't until I gained 30 pounds back and look at old pictures, that I see I had made it home and didn't realize it.

Good for you! emoticon

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PATRISNA 9/2/2010 4:48PM

    Congratulations! I think you are paving the way and learning the best method for the rest of us. We are proud of you! Maintenance in a range of 5 pounds is a good idea. Feeling healthy and comfortable where you are is the way to go. You look wonderful!

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WALKINGANNIE 9/2/2010 4:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

Welcome home Barb!

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Wishing you a long and happy stay.

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NELLIEC 9/2/2010 3:26PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KATIEJO5 9/2/2010 11:50AM

    I followed Mary over here, since I am dealing with this right now. I am 6ft tall and originally set a goal of 170 just because! I have been at 175 for several months now and the scale is not budging! I feel good, I look healthy...but it seems like failure to change my goal! Dumb, huh? I decided yesterday to quit beating my head against the wall and work hard on maintaining right here.

Thanks for the insight into home!

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 9/2/2010 10:54AM

    Well, if you'e going to have a housewarming party, make sure you serve healthy foods. LOL! I think home should be where you feel most comfortable and not dictated by the number on the scale. If you're most comfortable within that weight range, then by all means that's where you should plant your roots and call it "home." Congratulations on making it home!

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GOHUSKERS2 9/2/2010 10:46AM

    What you have accomplished is truely awesome in every way. I hope that you are very proud of yourself....you should be!!! And I feel really happy for you. Contratulations!!!
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LJCANNON 9/2/2010 9:47AM

    emoticon emoticonWelcome Home!!!

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SROUS1340 9/2/2010 9:38AM

    Congrats on reaching home! I can't wait to find that spot myself!

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KALIGIRL 9/2/2010 8:25AM

    Good place to keep house. I'm staying between 115 and 120 for the same reasons.
Isn't it great to break from the number and find a safe place in a range?

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SLENDERELLA61 9/2/2010 8:18AM

    CONGRATS on finding your home weight. I can totally relate. Deciding to quit losing is tricky. I've decided several times and changed my mind, but there truly comes a time to stop. You should celebrate that you have found it!! Congrats on reaching your ideal weight. Keep up the good eating and activity!!

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Odd thoughts

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Subtitled: "Thoughts that pop into Barb's head while under the influence of endorphins"

Most of the time when working on weight / body image issues, I'm looking at my belly, my butt, and my sagging skin. But this week it's been the armpits. Yeah, ewww!

Seriously, ladies, if you've lost considerable weight and been working out, have you noticed a change in shape of the armpits? Mine have become deeper, curvier... harder to shave! Which of course is why I noticed in the first place. Who knew? Fat lives in the oddest places, and serves some unusual functions (like making it easier to shave my underarms)!

Another area that's odd that I notice is the neck and collarbones... when those start appearing to have texture and definition... it must mean something is working in those workouts.

Do you have any "unusual" spots where you notice your shape changing? Or just feel free to laugh at mine, if you don't want to say! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APRILLSCOTT 9/3/2010 11:29PM

    emoticon emoticon my arm pits are the same! emoticon When you find out what to do for them let me know!

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PENNYAN45 9/3/2010 9:37PM

    Yes, I have noticed changes in the tops of my arms, my neck, and the tops of my thighs. Unfortunately, it is not a pretty sight! Oh well.



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ANDI571 9/2/2010 9:42PM

    My inner thighs are sinking to the south. Eww! Or it could be my boobs down there, who knows. I may have to buy bigger shoes if they go any farther down.

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ANONALEE 9/2/2010 9:40AM

    I've tightened my watch, my rings are looser and I've noticed wrinkles under my arms that weren't there before (ewwwww). Of course, all my clothes fit better and I'm especially grateful for the bra not biting into my back anymore. And this is just from 25% of goal. I imagine the changes will keep on coming if I do.

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KALIGIRL 9/2/2010 8:26AM

    Glad you blogged about it - I thought it was only me...
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LINDAJOYWK 9/2/2010 7:34AM

    I'm "beginning" again,so no change-I've been there before though & it is fun
hearing about your changes!

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MSLZZY 9/2/2010 12:01AM

    I'm waiting for my lower body to catch up. Anything happening? Better work on it! LOL!

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WALKINGANNIE 9/1/2010 12:43PM

    Yes! My armpits ARE deeper! emoticon

I've also noticed that some shoes are 'sloppy' now and I've tightened my watch strap by a notch or 2 .....

I still tend to think that my fat was all on my belly - and recognise that, unfortunately, some still is - but it has shifted from other unexpected places.

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 9/1/2010 11:49AM

    I haven't lost enough weight to notice much change, but I am enjoying the changes you describe. You crack me up.

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NURSECLARA 9/1/2010 8:47AM

    I've got CRAZY bat-wings! But it's weird, your body does change shape, for sure. I've lost a whole shoe size and width. 9 wide to 8 normal.

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PEGGYJEAN13 9/1/2010 8:21AM

    I have noticed crazy things like my rings don't fit. My arms look better but I have this crazy fat under my armpit. How do I get rid of that? It probably was there before but I was too busy looking at my belly!

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BUGGYS 9/1/2010 8:13AM

    Hven't noticed much, but then I haven't lost a ton of weight yet but I have noticed that my bad right knee is feeling oh so good now!!!

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JHADZHIA 9/1/2010 8:07AM

    I noticed the same thing, but mostly my sandals falling off my feet is kind of irritating LOL. I also look a little bony in my shoulders too.

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SUNNY332 9/1/2010 8:06AM

    My legs are more defined as are my upper arms/shoulders. It is amazing where fat can hide out. September, I am working on overall fitness - getting back to the treadmill and dancing.

Have a Wonderful Wednesday, Barb!

Sunny



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PATRISNA 9/1/2010 7:50AM

    My legs are more defined and muscular looking. This is weird my feet have lost weight. I did notice losing fat in the under arm pits. However, I'll use Kasey words I do have a few saggy baggy places that need work.

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ELLEN0407 9/1/2010 7:21AM

  didn't notice this but i'll check it out in 30 min or so.

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KASEYCOFF 9/1/2010 7:21AM

    The sagging skin, fer sher - there's an old Golden Book called 'The Saggy Baggy Elephant.' Somehow, I can identify with that, LOL!

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Spark Friends and collective wisdom

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I love the interaction here and how we all boost one another up! The response to yesterday's blog about my own reaction to the imagined reaction / feelings of others around me was incredible, varied, and wise. Thanks to you all, even if I didn't get to your page to say so individually.

Often my blogs are something like a 12-step meeting "share"... they are about experience, strength and hope. That's why you see "I" a lot in my blogs. I can't share what I don't have. I can't fix other people (and need not "preach"), and other people can't fix me. What I can share is my own experience, and my own hope. While I may sometimes say "fear", hope is its counterpoint.

When I respect my own voice (spoken or written) and listen to what comes out... I sometimes am surprised. It strengthens my resolve. And the comments of others shows me their experience, strength and hope.

Together, we go down the path to recovery. One day at a time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDI571 9/2/2010 9:43PM

    So true....

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MSLZZY 9/1/2010 5:30AM

    Makes perfect sense to me! HUGS!

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FIT-AT-50 8/31/2010 10:18PM

    You said it so well! The mutual support of our spark friends is awesome!

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WALKINGANNIE 8/31/2010 4:28PM

    Together, indeed, we can.

I have learnt a great deal from you, from the way that you have recognised and dealt with issues and from the way that you prompt thoughts that wouldn't have occured to me otherwise.

I love the way the way that we pull and push each other along this path, sometimes taking detours, but ending up in step again.

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REJ7777 8/31/2010 2:06PM

    That's been my experience too. When I speak about what I'm living to a trusted friend, it helps me to make sense out of the mess in my own mind. I have to think things through in order to communicate them. And the feedback I receive helps me to see things from another point of view. I really appreciate my Sparkfriends!

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 8/31/2010 11:48AM

    Amen, sister!

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JHADZHIA 8/31/2010 8:28AM

    It is all about sharing. I have been here a year and love sharing my experience with others. Made a lot of friends and have no intention of leaving. I still track my food and fitness and want to continue to do so. But the bottom line is its all about improving yourself and no one can do that except yourself. So its a very individual thing, but with great support.
Enjoy your Tuesday!

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KALIGIRL 8/31/2010 8:26AM

    Amen sister! (sorry couldn't resist) emoticon
Your blogs are always full of thoughtful recognition which helps the rest of us along our journeys.
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Comment edited on: 8/31/2010 8:27:03 AM

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SUNNY332 8/31/2010 8:06AM

    Yep it sure is a togetherness kind of thing and that is definitely a win-win situation for all of us.

Take care and do have a Terrific Tuesday.

Hugs, Sunny

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PEGGYJEAN13 8/31/2010 7:39AM

    Your experience often coincides with what I am feeling so it gives me a chance to relate to someone else so THANK YOU.

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Do you feel discouraged when you see someone else succeed?

Monday, August 30, 2010

OK, yes, this is another "personal" one, and partly based on my conditioning and experience.

The personal part: My daughter in law got me started on my latest fitness efforts, the one that started with joining Jenny Craig to "support" her efforts. I wasn't convinced that this program would do a blamed thing for me. I didn't pick it. But on looking at it, the program did have a balanced diet, and emphasized activity and working on emotions and mind-set, too. So I "went along". That was May of 2009.

Problem: I've succeeded. About the time I reached my goal weight, my daughter in law reached her halfway point. She backed off the program after his leave. She was going to try it on her own, she'd learned a lot, etc... we know the drill, those of us who have cycled many times. I could see the seeds of what was to come next, but kind of pretended for my own comfort that it wasn't happening and would not happen.

The traditional elephant in the room: she's regained, and here I am, maintaining and still losing. It was the "bonding" element between us while my son, her husband was in the process of deploying. And now? The anxious co-dependent in me reads every nuance coming from her as a "change back" message.

I fear self-sabotage in some kind of warped attempt to improve the relationship with my daughter in law. I know I need to continue healthy habits to live a healthy life. But I well remember seeing successful people when I was NOT being successful and thinking things like: "Yeah, sure it's easy for HER!" Yes, I was either a jealous overweight person OR one in denial about my own desire for a healthy body size... take your pick, depending on the day.

No everyone responds to their own jealous feelings with resolve to improve, and not everyone takes action. I love my son and my daughter in law. I want them to be happy.

Yes, wise people, the problem is not with them. It's with me. I need to get a grip on my own co-dependent impulses here!

Breathe deep, pray that serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - other people's internal thoughts and feelings.

I can't change how other people feel about my body size. I can try to hide it with sloppy clothing, but it's there. And if I hide it from others, I'm also hiding it from myself... and that may NOT be a good thing. I need the feedback of "normal" being a healthy size.

The courage to change the things I can: I need to practice good self-care. This is something over which I DO have control. I need to face my feelings about my perception of her feelings, and keep doing healthy things anyway.

I need to communicate that I value and love her no matter what her size, as best I can. No matter how much I'd like her to feel the feelings I feel being fit, her life is her own... and she has to make her own choices in her own time.

And the wisdom to know the difference! And let it go because the things I cannot control? Those things belong to God.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNYAN45 8/31/2010 12:55PM

    You are a very sensitive and caring mother-in-law. Your daughter-in-law is fortunate to have you.

I think the answer lies in something you said - which is that you will show her you love her no matter what weight she is at. And I imagine your son will too.

Also, when the right opportunity presents itself, you could speak honestly with her about how LONG it took you to reach a point where you could keep it off, and how many times you took it off but didn't keep it off. Your own life experience makes you more understanding of your daughter-in-law's problem. You have been there yourself.

If you are able to keep this weight off for the long term - you are showing her that it is possible. You are holding out to her a model for success that she could one day be grateful for.










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ANDI571 8/30/2010 10:05PM

    I think it's according what day it is. If I am feeling a bit discouraged in myself, then I might feel that way if someone else is doing it. Most of the time it is just wishful thinking that I was where they are.

I have a cousin who I used to be really close to. She deals a lot with depression. I noticed after I originally lost my 60 pounds and she was still struggling, she backed off. We were out one day and she said how does it feel to be at goal weight. I think I knew then, my losing intimidated her. She used to go to Weight Watchers with me, but won't anymore.

One thing I learned a couple of years ago. I can't make other people happy. They have to do it. The same with weight issues. I can't do it for them, I can only do it for myself, and hopefully be a role model.

I think we get in the mode of wanting to help other people, that we do sabotage ourselves. But in the long run, that's all we do, harm ourselves. Because our self sabotage doesn't get them to do it. I had to learn that the hard way.

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REJ7777 8/30/2010 9:45PM

    I'm sure that you realize that it wouldn't help your DIL one bit if you stopped taking care of your health. As I read your blog, I was glad to see that you realize that this is about how YOU feel about being thin, when she isn't, and not about what she might think. You're the one who can sabotage yourself (as you wrote). And being aware of the possible danger, you can use truth to counter the lies you might tell yourself. The Serenity Prayer is a great place to start! I'm convinced you will succeed! And you will be modeling healthy living choices (and their results!) for your DIL.

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HSKRGRL87 8/30/2010 1:58PM

  I think you're over analyzing her reactions, and reading too deeply into what she may think of you. Her behavior might stem from something entirely unrelated to the fact that you've maintained the goal while she hasn't.


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WALKINGANNIE 8/30/2010 1:30PM

    What a sensitive MIL you are Barb.

I agree with the others' comments. Another way of looking at this is to consider what message you would send to her if you put the weight back on again. She will have seen your temporary success and think that it was unsustainable after all.

Perhaps you could have a memory lane trip through family photos of your son if you appear in them at different sizes, showing without words that you know the ups and downs of weight control all too well? How about you at her age or thereabouts?

I'm sure you'll deal with it sensitively and with great empathy, however you deal with the situation. In the meantime, please stay healthy for yourself and as a loving Mom and MIL.

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ARYEAL 8/30/2010 12:16PM

    Very perceptive of you to realize that you are in danger of losing track to please someone else (although if asked, I'll bet your daughter-in-law really doesn't want you to fail - she wants to succeed!). Once she realizes you are not judging her, I predict you will be the one she chooses to confide in when she's ready to take a crack at it again. emoticon

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LOVE_2_LAUGH 8/30/2010 11:00AM

    I don't know that I necessarily feel discouraged when I see someone else succeed. I think envy might be what I feel. I think you're taking a wise approach (Serenity Prayer) approach with your DIL. It IS her life and she has to make the decision whether to proceed as usual or try again to lose some weight. All you can do is what you're doing now. Be loving and supportive of her regardless of her size. And, pray for her. Deep inside she knows what she needs to do - she just needs the strength to do it. So pray for that. And when she's ready, she'll have one of the best supporters on her side: YOU!

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KASEYCOFF 8/30/2010 10:42AM

    'Do I feel discouraged when I see someone else succeed?' Sometimes... (she said slowly). I work really hard at feeling happy for somebody else, tho. I think it's important, both for them AND for me. After all, we talk about SP and our lifestyle changes as being a 'journey.' Part of the 'journey' (to me) is improving as a person, and that means not just healthy diet and exercise, it also means my perceptions and attitude and emotional health. I don't know how old your daughter-in-law is (30-ish?) but reading your blog put me in mind of 'with age comes wisdom.' When they are little kids, we really struggle not to keep them from falling when they are learning to walk. Then they are in school, and we strive to let them make their own mistakes, even as we try to provide a safety net. And they grow up and leave home - and we bite our tongues as we watch them struggle with the same issues and problems and decisions that we struggled with when we were 20-something, and when we were newlyweds, and when we were figuring out Life As Adults. I (probably too often!) look back now and think 'Why didn't anybody tell me--?' But I know if they had - and maybe they tried - I wouldn't have heard it. I try not to dispense advice, but sometimes my heart aches when I see people suffering the same angst I did over the same kinds of problems. You said it right, Barb: she will have to make her own choices, her own decisions, in her own time. Maybe that's the best gift you can give her: she will benefit from your patience most of all. emoticon

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ANONALEE 8/30/2010 9:35AM

    This is one of the Big Kahunas of weight control -- allowing yourself to succeed, which, by the way, puts you in a very unique category if you're able to keep your weight off for 5 years -- only 3-5% of individuals who lose weight are able to do that. So, not only will you be successful, but you'll be unique amongst most people you know.

We are all separate centers of initiative. It may feel like what we do affects other people, but they are the primary movers of themselves.

Such a hard lesson to learn.

xoxo
Debra
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KALIGIRL 8/30/2010 8:57AM

    Wise blog, Barb.
I'm hopeful you will show her the way by your example.


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LIBRATAH 8/30/2010 8:43AM

    All we can do is be happy within ourselves for being who we are. Some people get to that place faster than others. Just keep showing your daughter-in-law love.

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SLENDERELLA61 8/30/2010 8:15AM

    Good insight. You know what to do and you'll do it. She may even come around. I started with my daughter and she succeeded, although I lost more and got smaller. Now she's pregnant and already talking about us going together to WW where we both lost before. I hope so much for success for both of us. It makes it easier, no doubt. But I choose health for me no matter what.

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CARRIE1948 8/30/2010 8:10AM

    Do what you need to do for yourself. I work out with a friend. At least that's the plan. Most days, I do it alone 'cause she has a conflict. When she gets upset that I've been more successful than her, I just shrug.

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PATRISNA 8/30/2010 8:03AM

    That is a very interesting blog. I hope it all works out for her. maybe now that your son is home she will get back on track.

I think you are really doing a great job of figuring out what makes you tick. I think we all need to keep this blog in mind. We do pick up those change back signals from others. You are right to resist them for your own health.

Am I jealous of others success? Yes, but only people who win those huge lottery jackpots.

Am I discouraged by observing people who are succeeding in their effort to get healthy? No, they inspire me to work harder.

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PEGGYJEAN13 8/30/2010 8:03AM

    I have felt jealous of other's success in the past but mostly because I felt inadequate to do the same thing. I did not want to put forth the effort to succeed and it did not seem worth the effort to change. I see how I was making excuses. I think an individual has to have the right mindset in order to succeed.

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SUNNY332 8/30/2010 7:55AM

    It is hard Barb. Bless your heart! Hang in there and keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Your DIL will have to come to terms with what she needs to do and make those changes on her own. In doing so she will develop strength for the journey. She is more disappointed in what she is doing and it may seem like she is jealous of your success when in all reality, she knows she let herself down.

Do have a GREAT week. You are much more of an inspiration to many so keep up the good work.

Hugs, Sunny

Comment edited on: 8/30/2010 7:57:06 AM

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PEGGYJEAN13 8/30/2010 7:43AM

    I have the urge to tell others "how" and I have had to learn to keep quiet. Most people don't acknowledge you have lost any weight and choose to ignore the subject! I am leaving you another comment after thinking about this awhile!

Comment edited on: 8/30/2010 8:06:04 AM

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AMBERZADE 8/30/2010 7:19AM

    It sounds like you're on the right track.

But to answer the question in your title, sometimes I am jealous of other people's success. I don't like it when I feel that way so I try real hard not to. I think it comes from an idea that there is only so much success to go around. But that's not how it works. There's plenty for everyone.

I'm sure all you need to do with your daughter in law is be there for her - not be overweight for her :) - It'll all work out.

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Joy and conditioning

Sunday, August 29, 2010

emoticon This is intensely personal & if you don't want to know... you've been warned to stop reading here.

I was married for nearly twenty-two years to a man who for all the good things I saw in him, could not stand me expressing joy. He didn't like it if I sang (my son to this day associates me singing with arguments in the house). This is NOT because I have a bad voice, people. I'm passable. And singing is a way to express the internal joy and happiness that just bubbles over at times!

If I came home bubbly and happy over something that happened at work, I was chastised for it. "How do you think I feel?" He was miserable and wanted me to be down there with him.

For years I conditioned myself to take the happiness I felt and "stuff it" away so I wouldn't make him upset. I pretended to not be happy unless I tested the waters of HIS emotional state first.

I ran away from the misery... my earlids shut down on him... I played video games. I read books. I went to work and was happy there. But when I went home, I shut down the happy.

Even now, with so much joy... I don't particularly want to phone him to rejoice over our son's homecoming because I know what will come next: "how do you think I feel? I haven't seen *son* in X years."

I never said the honest words to him: "Well, sorry. I love you still, despite being divorced for seven years, but I can't live with this attitude. You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, but I cannot respect an attitude that doesn't TRY to improve your situation. You are alone because you wouldn't let those around you be happy independently of your control."

I wish he was happy. But that's one of the things I cannot change. It took me a very long time to come to that realization.

What I could change is this: I am no longer afraid to be happy myself.

Today, I am full of joy. I hold in my heart the recognition that not everyone in the world shares my joy today... that is the gift of my 22 years with ex. But this I now know: having personal joy does not mean you don't have compassion for others. It does not mean you are unkind. It just means that right now, in this moment, something has come for you that needs to be cherished, because if you ONLY feel the bad emotions, and never the good... you won't like yourself or anyone else. Joy is the reward after working through the pain... if you never accept the reward... where are you?

Today, I choose to feel this joy. Today I pray for the comfort of others who may be feeling sorrow, or pain, grief, or anger, or fear. But for me, today there is joy, and I intend to cherish it.

emoticon And that is a mental / emotional health victory.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDI571 8/30/2010 10:28PM

    I am so glad you have chosen JOY! As I shared on your other blog, we are only in control of our own emotions. As women, I think we try to make everyone happy, and it's not possible.

Thank you for sharing.

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REJ7777 8/30/2010 8:30PM

    First of all, I want to thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself with us.

I'm so glad your ex was not able to destroy your capacity to be joyful! He wasn't able to pull you into the black hole of his self-imposed misery.

It makes me think of a quote I read that said something like: "We don't see the world as it is, but as we are."

So, rejoice! Why be miserable when you can be happy! Why see the glass as half empty rather than as half full? Don't worry, Be happy! (as the song says)

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KALIGIRL 8/30/2010 1:14PM

    Hooray for your victory! emoticon
I can relate to your feeling of joy as my dad was often not 'happy' unless he was miserable. I too needed relief and would tell him I was going to (and did) hang up the phone if the conversations went 'down'hill. He @ least laughed with us, so I have those wonderful memories.
Sad that you can't share your joy with someone you love, but you are showing him love by respecting who he is.


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PATRISNA 8/30/2010 7:48AM

    I have to agree with Tornado40. My poor MIL was like that. I do believe that we either choose happiness or misery. I am sure that feeling and acknowledging your joy is much healthier than "stuffing it away."

I think you are liberated. Pure Joy Oh what a feeling....




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ICANIKNOW 8/29/2010 9:02PM

  Wow, what an inspirational post. I too dealt with a man who couldn't/wouldn't be happy. I still wish he could find that happiness in life but have long accepted it won't be with me. All I can do is wish and pray for his well being. Nice reminder that I should do that today. (we've been divorced 18 years, and I haven't even seen him in 2+).
Thanks for sharing.


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NELLIEC 8/29/2010 6:34PM

    Yes, a victory.

How sad that he CHOOSES sadness.

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NELLIEC 8/29/2010 6:34PM

    Yes, a victory.

How sad that he CHOOSES sadness.

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KASEYCOFF 8/29/2010 6:06PM

    You said some good stuff there, Barb. People will often tell us we have the 'right' to cry, to feel sad, to get angry. How seldom we hear 'You have the right to be happy.' Even the Constitution only guarantees us we have a right to the PURSUIT of happiness. So you go right ahead and sing - when the cup runneth over with joy, shout it out loud! :-D

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WALKINGANNIE 8/29/2010 3:21PM

    You sound liberated!

You have a great deal of empathy and compassion - as well as a joyful spirit that wants to celebrate.

Enjoy your joy.

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ANONALEE 8/29/2010 10:39AM

    It is a sorrowful thing to try to mold yourself to someone else's moods, ideas and preferences. Sometimes we do that to temporarily soothe another person, but, as you unfortunately discovered, a lifetime of it is intolerable. I am glad for your joy and hope you're singing all week!



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LOVE_2_LAUGH 8/29/2010 10:36AM

    GREAT blog! I have sensed your joy for a long time now. You are such an inspiration.

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TORNADO40 8/29/2010 9:35AM

    There are some people that are going to be unhappy no matter what. Sometimes I think they actually enjoy being miserable. Enjoy your happiness...you deserve it. emoticon

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PEGGYJEAN13 8/29/2010 8:34AM

    I think you should say your honest words to him. What do you have to lose? It may be enough to make him look at things and see what his life of negatism has done to himself. Good for you for gettig past the unhappiness and finding the joy. Life has to be lonely for You have to feel sad for your ex though and you have to imagine of all the "ups" he has missed in his life(including a son and the joy of reunion).

Life is all about the joy after the pain in so many situations and that is what keeps us going.

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SUNNY332 8/29/2010 8:29AM

    Wow - Bless his heart. I can not imagine how it would be not to feel and celebrate JOY. It is one of those gifts from God that get us through the best of times and stays around to see us though the worst of times.

Someone once told me that JOY comes when we put Jesus First, Others Second, and Yourself last. I do believe JOY is what radiates back to us because of this and if people can not feel JOY then their hearts are cold like stone.

I will be praying for you x-husband that he comes to know Jesus and the wonderful love Jesus has for him.

Hugs, Sunny





Comment edited on: 8/29/2010 8:30:22 AM

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