Monday, August 03, 2009
"Being is my touchstone to worthiness"
Yesterday the "binge" that I had felt looming over me since Friday happened. It happened one little extra thing at a time. I'd had a good workout in the morning. I'd had a nice breakfast (and a healthy one) with my son, as is our Sunday morning "thing".
But there was this work shadow of having done something that caused someone else extra work and being chided by my boss about it that was hanging over my head since Friday. Ever since then I'd been trying to hold a sense of unworthiness at bay. There was no way of ignoring that massive sense of unworthiness. I tried to exercise it away. Didn't work. I tried to justify / self-defiend it away. No dice.
Sunday afternoon, it was almost a relief to have a mini-food binge begin and end. See, there, it's done, I'm not perfect, and I don't deserve to have a good self-care program. I've administered punishment... I only deserve to be a fat old lady because then I'll somehow escape the expectations of more from others. I made the powerful person angry... I'd better hide... I've always hidden behind my layer of fat... it's safe there... my friend, food, is there.
Those of you who read this far and are shaking your heads in dismay: "What is she thinking?" may recognize these as warped thoughts... and they are. But it's a mental / emotional trap that keeps many of us in the overweight / obese range: feelings of unworthiness, based on disappointments, failures, or critique in other areas of our lives.
It's hard to give myself permission to take better care of myself when I feel I've been thoughtless of others.
Today, I deserve to treat myself gently, because I am human, and I am alive. I deserve to have balance in my life. I deserve to be able to make amends and be at peace.
Why is feeling worthy of this so hard?