Monday, February 28, 2011
You can take me away from my computers and such, you can make me more active, and feed me nutritious foods. But I'll always be a geek at heart. Numbers fascinate me.
Yesterday, I had a 6 mile walk planned, part of my training for the half marathon May 1st. I was doing it on the treadmill, the weather being what the weather is. I had my old episodes of Murder, She Wrote keyed up to keep me company (as opposed to MP3 tunes or basketball on TV, my other considered options). And I thought in terms of time, as I'm starting to do more and more. I have been doing about 90 minutes on my "long" walks, which at 4 miles and hour would be the requisite six miles. But since I crank the speed up a shade above that 4 mph, I usually finish the six and have time for a brief cool down in that 90.
The geek brain: My treadmill clock only has two digits in its "minutes". What would it do if I just added ten minutes to my workout? Would it switch to Hours:Minutes? Or would it reset to 00:00 and, most important, would I lose my miles and other statistics when it did?
I kept going to the 100 minute mark and found that it does reset to 00:00, but I don't lose my other statistics. It then becomes my job to remember the extra hundred minutes. Should not be a problem... nobody forgets having been on there for 100 minutes! And... the mileage for the day turned into seven miles, instead of the planned six, including the warm up and cool down parts. That's more than halfway to the half marathon distance.
Another goofy statistic that intrigued me this weekend was something I saw in "Angry Fat Girls" by Frances Kuffel. She quotes Pam Peeke, the author of "Body for Life", as saying "For every twenty-five pounds removed, it takes one year to mentally adjust. So be kind to yourself, okay?" Not having looked up the source, can't say that's an exact quote, but it jumped off the page at me. No WONDER I feel a little alien... I'm still adjusting.
Based on that statistic, I have a couple of years of adjustment yet to go to really feel this me (with my "tiny little body" to quote one consultant) is the genuine article. My Spark Friends, if you, like I, have lost or are in the process of losing a considerable sum of pounds... be kind to yourself while you adjust to it. And, if you have NOT lost as much, or have re-gained, give yourself a break.
Everyone, be kind to yourselves. Because we're worth it! The dignity of humanity rules, Geek or Not.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
By the time I got to the end of yesterday's blog, I went and looked: it had been 3 weeks since I'd taken my most recent vitamin D "booster" pill (the big dosage my Dr. put me on)... so I took one. And I got through the day, without resorting to overeating. It also helped to see the messages of support from my Spark friends, who never fail to encourage when a whine comes out. We all know there will be days like that! The trick is to live through them and do as little damage as possible, because the next day is bound to be better for it.
That said, it IS the end of the month, and that means progress photos. Once again, I've tried to match the pose from last year's photo. I even dug out the same sports bra, but the old sweat pants I was wearing then? No way they would stay on my hips today.
Last year, this was me, at the end of February:
And me, this morning, trying to mug the same shot:
I know I said last month I wasn't going to show you the loose skin, but, well, there 'tis. It's not too terrible... but I'm not going to wear this outfit in public, either.
Here's to today being a better day than yesterday, mood-wise. On the agenda: 6 miles on that half-marathon training schedule.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
End of February, 1990: I joined Weight Watchers at Work, for the first time. I was 37 years old. My son was 5. I had to go in my husband's coat because he had me locked out of my room in a fit of rebellion against my taking more time than my job and church away from HIM.
I was in tears, but I knew I needed to do SOMETHING about my weight. After all, my mother in law had recently asked me was I running when I took five steps across the room to answer the telephone.
Here is it, 21 years later. I'm 100 pounds less than I was that first weigh-in. A lot of life, losing, regaining, and "stuff" has happened in those years.
Two years ago, sitting in my doctor's office about this same time of year, I was in tears, again, miserable. I had regained, yet again. I felt so... worthless. The doctor, who had seen me get my act together and have it fall apart again, put me on Vitamin D and reminded me that I could do this.
It is the end of February. I feel... restless, sad, frustrated. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with weight, exercise, nutrition... and a lot to do with the time of year? Now is the time to re-evaluate. Now is the time to reassess goals and desires. Spring IS right around the corner. Do I even know what I hope for?
Must be time for another vitamin D capsule! This is a "hang in there" day for me.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Well, I finished reading "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel in honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness week. It was both disturbingly similar and disturbingly alien... if you know what I mean. My reading experience was colored by the fact that I already knew there is a sequel: "Angry Fat Girls" about her relapse while the book was being published, and her subsequent re-recovery again. I've started that one now. If you classify yourself as a compulsive eater, these are worth the read, even if your life experience doesn't quite match that of the featured people in them.
In some ways, these books validate what SparkPeople does: in recovery, we need support. Learning to take better care of ourselves, for that matter peeling back the layers of why we aren't doing so especially if we truly do know how... and recovery... is not usually a solo activity! Even being able to come on here, write a blog to vent about a tough day (or week, or trip, or whatever), come clean and move on is part of a "one step back, two steps forward" healthy attitude toward recovery.
I'm writing from a world of white this morning. White, slick, heavy, wet. I only cleared enough to get the car out because I'm a little short on time... dental appointment before work. I am a weather wimp, but I will make the trip to work unless I hit something really nasty out there, because I have things I really need to get done (meetings with other people) today.
Have a great Friday, all!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Spark calendar proclaimed this at me yesterday morning as I turned the page: National Eating Disorders Awareness Week begins Sunday (today).
As normal as my body size may look (right now), I do suffer from an Eating Disorder. I am a compulsive over-eater. I have accepted this, it's a fact about me.
Some days I get stronger reminders than others of my condition. Turning the calendar page yesterday was one such reminder. Reading a blog by PonyFarmer yesterday was the beginning of another. She mentioned a book in her entry, "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel.
The title alone spoke to me: "Passing for Thin" evokes some inner feelings, because despite my body size, despite having been "in maintenance" for over a year... there are times when I feel I am just pretending to be this fit, active, slim person.
One incident from about 1994 or 1995 comes to mind. I had dropped the weight then, too. I was in a new-to-me city, working, and at a work event. A dinner, no less. I was sitting with other normal sized people and treated (if you can call it that) to some conversation about another person in the room, who was a size I used to be.
These people did not know my history, and clearly did not INTEND to be cruel. They honestly did not "get" what it is like to live with addiction, or for that matter, that food could be a substance of addiction. That evening, I made them uncomfortable by enlightening them.
That, in turn, made ME uncomfortable, and within a year of that dinner... I had regained about 50 of those pounds I had worked so hard to shed. At that time, it was very important to me to be understood, and it was as though a switch was thrown: "these people" would never understand.
What's different today? I no longer care whether normal people understand. It is more important that I understand it. I know I have this disease. I know that eating certain things will make me want more of them. And that's OK. It is within my power to decide how to act, based on that knowledge.
This disease has several faces: over-eating and carrying the excessive weight, over-restriction and over-exercising, and binging and purging. That is its practice. But its roots are in the mind, as well: when food is at the center of one's universe... and all things revolve around it, to the exclusion of the enjoyment of the rest of life, that's a danger sign.
Here's to recovery: It's the best thing that has ever happened to me... one day, one decision at a time.
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