Saturday, March 05, 2011
In half an hour or so I'll be going in for my monthly maintenance consultation. I've been thinking about what I'm going to say to the first question (and of course any such plans of what to say are pure speculation... they fly out the window as soon as I walk in the door at my center)! Oh? The first question? "How was your month?"
Well, Gina, the day after we last met, I got the phone call about my nephew dying. I have been trying to coax the tears ever since, but I'm still in denial. I've tried sappy movies. I've tried sitting with thoughts of him. Come close, know the emotions are under there... but I've buried them!
Now my dog is struggling. Clearly not herself. Having trouble standing, walking, doing stairs. Not as annoyingly "barky" as she has been. Last night she got herself tangled up in the phone cord in the middle of the night and managed to pull both the phone and the hand vacuum that sits on the same chest onto the floor with a large clatter. She was scared by all of this.
Yesterday I was fragile at work. On the verge of having that dam break and the tears start to flow. But I got busy and didn't make a spectacle at work, although I did confide in a couple of coworkers about the grieving thing.
What's that got to do with weight loss / maintenance, you ask? Food is a comfort... even "naturally" normal sized people will turn to food for comfort in times of stress (especially those of us who eschew alcohol or other "pure" drugs). Those of us with life-long stress - emotional connections to eating? A greater tendency is there.
After decades of living as "me", I know this reality: eating over this stuff does not make it better in the long run. It just transfers what I'm feeling bad about to self-condemnation over being "bad" with food. I have made the conscious decision to stop doing that to myself. I'm worth more than that. My bad feelings like sorrow and anger deserve the respect to be recognized and allowed. I do not need to numb them with food, or if I choose to do so temporarily, I do not need to magnify the problem by continuing to do so!
So, it's been a good month in that even though all these crazy things are going on in my life, I've only had three binge-y days, way over the calorie range. And the statistics show me to be on an average at a slight calorie deficit. The scale SHOULD show maintenance.
Here's to a good weekend. Hope I get some of those tears out.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
"Mann ist was man isst." OK, I don't have a German keyboard, and Spark doesn't let me type HTML, but this is an approximation the original of "One is what one eats" or "You are what you eat." We quote it a lot, in a joking sort of a way. Eat healthy, be healthy.
Mentally, are we what we read? Well, reading encouraging Spark posts, success stories, motivational things tends to make me feel more motivated, for sure.
Lately, I've been dipping into the literature of the psychology of weight loss and gain. Currently it's "Angry Fat Girls". Like its predecessor, "Passing for Thin" (same author, Frances Kuffel), it is disturbingly familiar and disturbingly alien at the same time. Since I have inhabited "the rooms" I know the language. But some things about the author's experience never seemed to apply to my own. This doesn't make either of our journeys less valid.
I keep reading, because it is valuable to keep memories green in order to maintain healthy habits. However, the difference between the retrospective this gives and Spark seems to me like the difference between Freudian psychology, seeking to understand "why", and behaviorism that seeks to change "what". You need elements of both in recovery: why helps you past the self-condemnation, but you need to actively change the what. On the other hand, changing the what without understanding the why can lead to relapse and giving up!
I think after this book, though, I'll take a break from this genre for a while, get myself back to the fiction I so enjoy! Here's to a healthy rest of the week folks.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Yesterday was an "off" day from the half-marathon training. I did a total body strength workout from Spark, instead. Felt good keeping that commitment. Why? Because I love that muscle definition in the progress photos & don't want to lose it! I can't believe it, but there's this little shred of vanity going.
Today, the schedule called for 3-4 "long hills", and the notes indicate the total mileage including warm up and cool down and those hills should be about 4 miles. So, again, tossed something on the TV to keep the mind going while the body moved. This time it was "The Closer". An hour later, 4 faux hills (incline 8) of 3/4, 3/4, 3/4, and 1/2 mile each... with 1/4 mile lesser inclines in between.
And the endorphins start to flow, leaving a feeling of well-being. A good stretch session after, and I know I'll sleep well tonight. Less than nine weeks to that half marathon!
Monday, February 28, 2011
You can take me away from my computers and such, you can make me more active, and feed me nutritious foods. But I'll always be a geek at heart. Numbers fascinate me.
Yesterday, I had a 6 mile walk planned, part of my training for the half marathon May 1st. I was doing it on the treadmill, the weather being what the weather is. I had my old episodes of Murder, She Wrote keyed up to keep me company (as opposed to MP3 tunes or basketball on TV, my other considered options). And I thought in terms of time, as I'm starting to do more and more. I have been doing about 90 minutes on my "long" walks, which at 4 miles and hour would be the requisite six miles. But since I crank the speed up a shade above that 4 mph, I usually finish the six and have time for a brief cool down in that 90.
The geek brain: My treadmill clock only has two digits in its "minutes". What would it do if I just added ten minutes to my workout? Would it switch to Hours:Minutes? Or would it reset to 00:00 and, most important, would I lose my miles and other statistics when it did?
I kept going to the 100 minute mark and found that it does reset to 00:00, but I don't lose my other statistics. It then becomes my job to remember the extra hundred minutes. Should not be a problem... nobody forgets having been on there for 100 minutes! And... the mileage for the day turned into seven miles, instead of the planned six, including the warm up and cool down parts. That's more than halfway to the half marathon distance.
Another goofy statistic that intrigued me this weekend was something I saw in "Angry Fat Girls" by Frances Kuffel. She quotes Pam Peeke, the author of "Body for Life", as saying "For every twenty-five pounds removed, it takes one year to mentally adjust. So be kind to yourself, okay?" Not having looked up the source, can't say that's an exact quote, but it jumped off the page at me. No WONDER I feel a little alien... I'm still adjusting.
Based on that statistic, I have a couple of years of adjustment yet to go to really feel this me (with my "tiny little body" to quote one consultant) is the genuine article. My Spark Friends, if you, like I, have lost or are in the process of losing a considerable sum of pounds... be kind to yourself while you adjust to it. And, if you have NOT lost as much, or have re-gained, give yourself a break.
Everyone, be kind to yourselves. Because we're worth it! The dignity of humanity rules, Geek or Not.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
By the time I got to the end of yesterday's blog, I went and looked: it had been 3 weeks since I'd taken my most recent vitamin D "booster" pill (the big dosage my Dr. put me on)... so I took one. And I got through the day, without resorting to overeating. It also helped to see the messages of support from my Spark friends, who never fail to encourage when a whine comes out. We all know there will be days like that! The trick is to live through them and do as little damage as possible, because the next day is bound to be better for it.
That said, it IS the end of the month, and that means progress photos. Once again, I've tried to match the pose from last year's photo. I even dug out the same sports bra, but the old sweat pants I was wearing then? No way they would stay on my hips today.
Last year, this was me, at the end of February:
And me, this morning, trying to mug the same shot:
I know I said last month I wasn't going to show you the loose skin, but, well, there 'tis. It's not too terrible... but I'm not going to wear this outfit in public, either.
Here's to today being a better day than yesterday, mood-wise. On the agenda: 6 miles on that half-marathon training schedule.
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