Thursday, April 10, 2014
Joined the Sweets Team again
I have quit it a few times before, never accomplishing anything.
No time like the present to really give it my all again.
One of the real problems that keeps me from losing weight is Peanut Butter M & M's, it has become a severe addiction and source of comfort, what an awful thing to do to me. I have really been out of control for years.
If I eat a Jumbo bag of M & M's, like a grazing cow, I could consume 1760 calories as I drift off to sleep. I checked what a 12.70 oz bag would add up too, it is a life threatening problem that I am starting to realize, like an alcoholic.
What could bring such eating on, marriage problems, BIG time, issues w/family, health, a lot.
I just chose today for no particular reason, I just feel strong enough to finally give the candy up.
I seem to have slowly made some positive changes this week, here's to the New Beginnings I face and to that terrible baggage of sweets. I leave behind.
Saturday, March 02, 2013
I've been going on a sentimental journey re-tracing my early bad eating habits, my roots, actually my root of all evil. After writing my last blog, I find myself a chubby pre-teen, solution, buying diet pills, they would sell them to kids back in 1977, no problem. I did take them without my parents knowledge, and also ate less because of them. I also started to take a nap, probably because I was exhausted from not having the proper fuel in my body. I did get skinny in Jr. High, I remember meeting a cute boy who liked the way I looked. I liked being thin and being able to tuck my shirt in without a flabby stomach. My dad also kidded me and said he didn't want me to weigh over 100 pounds, so I stayed that way for a while. A few years later, I got my driver's license, and a little bit after I graduated from High School, I began dating and when I would drive home from my boyfriends house I would go and buy 3 donuts to eat all alone in the car on my way home.
Looking back I think the relationships were not right and I felt empty, the boys were using me most likely, and I did not like myself, so I ate to fill what was missing. My donut phase didn't last too long, but it was another brick in my wall of a lifelong battle against food, that now I tear down to reach my full potential, to cleanse my-self, to reach wholeness and a new beginning, after years of a lifetime of self-medication, abuse to myself with food. I am slowly recovering, but it is a long process. I appreciate my fellow Spark friends, helping me along the way!
You light my path, as only Spark Angels can do!
More entries to come, it feels amazing to come clean!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So I have realized my bad eating habits began as a child, I have to ask myself why. Well, first I had to have money to buy my candy, my parents gave it to me, not knowing I would not use that money wisely and buy sweets, they just thought they were being nice. But something was not right within me, I was eating those treats to make me feel better, because I did not feel good about myself. The instant gratification of a treat, covered deeper problems that a child may not know how to handle. Unfortunately I had suffered some very unkind situations, which may be defined as abusive by some. I have been trying to make peace about these things and God is by my side now as an adult. But as a child, I was really alone from these episodes, already being an only child didn't help, I was withdrawn inside myself, I was also bullied for my unusual name, Ingrid, the kids preferred calling me Ignorant, it hurt. I didn't know it was making me not like myself, and I needed food to fill the void to make me feel better, to mask the pain inside. Something inside me was bigger than this, it was God. God led me all by myself to groups were I could draw closer to Him, to learn, study, have fellowship and fun with other Christian kids. I found out about a bible camp in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, I asked my parents if I could go, they were not sure, but I begged, then they let me go and I ended up going for 6 summers, I became a born-again Christian in 1976 at that camp and it put a seed into me of how I wanted to live my life. Sadly at one of my camp physicals, I was touched inappropriately by my dr. in a private area with my mom behind a curtain. I had trouble having eye contact with people after that, I didn't tell anyone until later in my adult years, I felt awful for a long time after that happened, kind of a dirty feeling. I also found another club in my hometown called Awana, I joined, rode the big church bus and had the best of times learning bible verses, singing, playing in the gym, I worked for the highest Awana award and did make it, I earned the Timothy award for learning many Bible memory verses. I thank God for giving me these activities in Jesus Name. I believe I was led to them in a divine manner to help me, a lonely, abused, only child with a funny name. He is still seeing me through. I see that these rough times should have taught me to rely more on the Lord, but my human side, my sinful side had a stronghold on me, I loved God, but still loved my sweets. I was struggling with an inner battle, I know around age 12, I looked at myself and I had got quite chubby, very round face, maybe even a double chin. I knew I had to do something. I started exercising in my basement, I also jogged from time to time. This was the start of the weight loss and weight gaining journey, more like a roller coaster that would keep taking me up and down into adulthood. As I release the negative experiences and toxic events of my childhood, let me gain inner peace and a fresh new perspective and how to live my live as God would have me honoring the body He gave me with healthy and nourishing food.
I can do this.
more entries to follow.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I have come to a realization that I need to unload things about my whole life, I have been a member of Spark People for five years, learned alot, fought cancer and won. but my weight has increased. I started here at 148, my weight has gone up and down. Unfortunately it has not sticked, I now weigh 155 and have been stuck here forever, it creeped up and won't go down. I exercise alot, last 3 days started adding a fitness club weight routine in addition to my home workouts on my elliptical trainer and my stationary bike. The true problem is my emotional eating, I have not been able to I started digging deep, I remember as a kid we would go to stores in the neighborhood, I would buy a few packs of Reese's peanut butter cups and eat them all. I got it my eating disorder started in childhood, it has been ingrained in me for almost my whole life. I remember being on a diet almost all the time starting at age 12. It is time to get it all out, my stomach is large, heavy, uncomfortable, it hangs off me, it carries the weight of the garbage that I have put into my mouth trying to take away what is wearing me down, only to find it has knocked me to the ground. I must begin anew today. I promise myself to release all that has been dragging me down and get rid of the chocolate and cookie crumbs on my bedsheets.
Inga, that's what I tell myself!
more entries to come.
and going strong!
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