Thursday, November 06, 2014
Writing these blogs is a way for me to get out my husband's odd and unusual behavior against me, which has resulted in me, just plain not being good to my self in a healthy way. I need to eat a healthier diet, more balanced and get back into my regular exercise program. I know I should not play a victim role, but I did let him, my husband make me feel this way, I am getting over it everyday.
Saw my counselor today, good session, I didn't feel bad at all. Sometimes I do feel she defends Hubby, as he has never gone, she'll say things like, well he is a sinner too and isn't he a child of God, I let it roll off me. We laughed today when I told her a few weeks ago he was screaming at me saying God gave me cancer, whatever.
Hard for me to type today, another of my problems is neuropathy.
My husband leaves the house around 7 am and gets home after 9, maybe 10 or even after 11, he works way to much and takes everything out on me. He acts like an Adversary to me on EVERYTHING, it can be exhausting he is so unsupportive, unreasonable, very difficult, has to always be right. Type A personality, he has stated he is Sexist, it makes me shutter, I mean who does he think he is
I did tell my counselor if I get divorced I want it under mental cruelty, not irreconcilable differences, but she does not know if they would do that.
He is not here and won't be for many hours, God gave me this time and I must use it wisely. I am trying a little exercise and will make a nutritious dinner, I will be ok, I just need to get this out.
Tuesday, November 04, 2014
to everyone who commented on my last blog. This is going to be a daily event for me until I get this out of my system. I have been so isolated and letting it out is a good thing. I am not an unforgiving person, it is not about that, it is about helping me, and maybe helping you or someone you know who is going through this. Living in an abusive situation can lead to anything I suppose, to escape the pain, one might indulge in food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, probably other things which I don't know of. Well I fall into the category of the over indulgent, night time over eater, it comforts me, gives me that feel good feeling, it's a type of addiction, it's hard to overcome. I am stuck in my marriage. why you may ask, well I turned 50 this year, been married over 20 years and really have never worked. I don't have any money, sounds silly, but I don't. My husband writes me 2 checks a month, one of my counselors says he keeps me on a shoe-string budget, whatever you want to call it, it has caused me to sometime resort to using my own credit cards for things, ya, I have a little debt along with my spar tire around my middle, they both weigh me down a bit. I am trying to get my bills down, but I cannot ask my husband for help, he would not be supportive, so I have been whittling away those accounts, I stay out of stores like Kohls, JCP, Target and only buy what I need, I only have one pair of jeans that fit tightly, but have many clothes in many sizes so I will have a wardrobe if I work hard.
I saw my dr. today, I have terrible arm/nerve/chest wall pain and also got my flu shot. I also have a double curve in my spine Lordosis and Kyphosis which was a side effect of my surgeries and losing alot of my front/ my chest, it make me have a little bit of bad posture, but I am trying some exercise to help this, and losing my stomach, Dr. said after Breast cancer you get more belly fat, nice.
So as you can see I am not totally well and need medical care, but I truly hope in a few years this changes. I pray for deliverance everyday. I also study my Bible.
To get back to the dr., he said a low-carb diet may be helpful to me, so I am going to try that.
Today I want to purge some of the evil and unkind things my husband said recently.
No one cares about your crappy church or crappy religion.
Christianity is not relevant.
You are not a Christian.
You are a Hypocrite.
Hates Susan G. Koman
Hates the song, I'm gonna love you through it, by Martina McBride, it's about breast cancer
A few years back I bought him a pink sweatshirt and he said take it back
There's much more, I don't sit around and cry, but I have developed a night time binge eating disorder.
I know I will need to get more off my chest.
I know it is sad, some of us don't get a man to love, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, it all just gets destroyed and then you are middle age, heavy, lonely, but still breathing .
Monday, November 03, 2014
Day after day I spend a lot of time alone, and at night the same pattern continues...eating myself to sleep. It's time for me to get distressing events, situations out of me, my mind, my spirit, for I have a wounded spirit, I am a broken hearted lady.
Over the years I have talked to about 5 different Pastors, seen counselors, still seeing these people, but one fundamental thing does not change., how my husband treats me, it's awful..
Some of these blogs may contain only a few wounding words, but I must purge them and possibly receive support, I do ask that of you my Spark Friends.
A couple of his angry attacks against me that seem especially troubling are:
I don't care if you have cancer (I had it 3 times)
You were selfish to get implants
Don't show me how ugly you are. ( I have had many breast surgeries)
I like playing tennis, I like it better than having sex with you.
So many more, I live with a hurtful man.
I appreciate your help and support. I think this makes me eat, I know it makes me eat. And suddenly I have 40 pounds to lose.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Joined the Sweets Team again
I have quit it a few times before, never accomplishing anything.
No time like the present to really give it my all again.
One of the real problems that keeps me from losing weight is Peanut Butter M & M's, it has become a severe addiction and source of comfort, what an awful thing to do to me. I have really been out of control for years.
If I eat a Jumbo bag of M & M's, like a grazing cow, I could consume 1760 calories as I drift off to sleep. I checked what a 12.70 oz bag would add up too, it is a life threatening problem that I am starting to realize, like an alcoholic.
What could bring such eating on, marriage problems, BIG time, issues w/family, health, a lot.
I just chose today for no particular reason, I just feel strong enough to finally give the candy up.
I seem to have slowly made some positive changes this week, here's to the New Beginnings I face and to that terrible baggage of sweets. I leave behind.
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