Thursday, December 11, 2014
So things didn't go that well for me this year. It happens. I'm trying to focus on turning it around, though. I spent the entire year struggling and putting on weight. I had surgery, which didn't help, but I was never able to fully get myself back on track. All of this culminated in a spectacular bout of depression that I am still working through.
Overall, I'm feeling better, but I'm still not 100%. I don't spend every day in a mopey haze anymore. Some days, yes, but not every day. Overall I feel less.. blah? It's really hard to describe because there hasn't been a single defining moment where I go, "Yes! That's it! I feel totally normal!" Normal is relative I guess? Things are still rough. I still have panic attacks when I have to go out. I've made it to the grocery store every 3 weeks or so. I stock up on protein and put it in the freezer so that I can go longer between store visits, because I always end up spending a few minutes sitting in the parking lot, grabbing my steering wheel and trying to psyche myself up. It's like I need some sort of mental fortitude I feel I am lacking just to interact with the general public. I really hate the grocery store.
I hope I can get back to a place where I'm totally ok with going out and running errands all day without feeling like I'm being watched/ judged/ panicking/etc. I haven't been going to my Al-anon meetings in part because of this.
The pervading doom& gloom has made me extra- down on my body lately, too, and that's not good. I am struggling to get back to my 6/week workout schedule, but I AM putting in a solid 3hrs/week of exercise, even though it's not my usual. So I haven't totally given up I suppose.
I really could use a workout partner around now. It's selfish of me to wish I had one just when times got tough, but when I'm feeling down it's much easier to be guilted into working out when there's someone there for that expressed purpose :P My husband is working hard..... to motivate me. -..- I wish I could say he had some interest in his own health. The fact that he doesn't is depressing in it's own right. He does text me in the mornings to encourage me, and it usually works. There have been a few mornings where I woke up feeling relatively certain that I would not be working out that day, and he managed to motivate me into getting some pedaling done.
I'm back to tracking food. Calories are not where I want them, but it's getting there. I'm trying. Things were tough over the holidays. The holidays aren't necessarily over yet, but I don't THINK anyone else is coming to visit, so I might be ok. I haven't seen my mom in about a year. It's been maybe 6 months since I've seen dad, and 2 years since I've seen my youngest brother. I guess that tells you a lot about our family.
I would like to see mom sometime, but I always get some weird feelings about my relationship with her. I feel like maybe I'm a disappointment? It's hard to explain, because I know she loves me. I feel like she always wanted a girl and got one, but then didn't know what to do with me. I had two brother growing up. I was a tomboy. I wasn't interested in clothes or shopping or anything like that. We didn't have a lot of money, either, though, so it was probably tough on her since she liked to go shopping but couldn't ever get anything. When I was young, I had totally different interests. Now that I'm older and am more interested in that sort of thing, we are so far apart that we can't do anything like that. (Mom lives at the tip of the state. I live in the middle. It's a 6 1/3 hour drive. It's another 4 hrs north to get to MIL's place in southern OK! TEXAS IS HUGE OK)
Oh. I guess I'm kind of out of steam now. I thought for sure I was going to make this blog longer. Huh.
Well, I plugged my phone into the computer today to back things up. I will post just a few photos from Sept- present.
Hooray brides maid dress. After all the drama of trying to get one that fits, I got one that fits. I had to ask Denver to order it, since they wouldn't get me one from Waco. This was after I'd gained enough mass around the top post-surgery to need one size larger. My weight was stable for a year before that!
I have all sorts of other photos from the wedding that I will... not post. Sorry! In respect to everyone I took photos with in the wedding part and the brides themselves, I will only embarrass myself on the internet, and now them.
Of course, while I was in Denver for a wedding, I also went to a convention. My armor and shipped stuff made it in (mostly) one piece. I had some trouble with it as it wore throughout the day, but that was not a big deal. A bunch of the spray paint never set. Because of this, there was some damage to the paint job on the shoulder armor, but I just attributed it to "battle damage" and didn't let it bother me.
I just don't take these things seriously, though.
Again, somehow the only pics I got of Amythest were from when I was working on my makeup
I didn't really get any other pics from the con that I can share here. Some good ones of friends, etc... but I didn't get any good pics of my FY costume. You saw some of those from AFEST. A friend's husband took some pictures, though, and I will share a few when he gets a chance to upload them. I'm not pressuring him or anything, so they'll get done when they get done. I'm just very thankful that he was willing to photoshoot for us!
After all that, the bro and I did the Tx state fair, and we... didn't try everything because a lot of it looked even too gross for us. This was the funnel cake ale. It was also gross. The powdered sugar they put on the rim turned into a slimy ooze, and my brother said it made the beer taste kind of like captain crunch. NEVER AGAIN
Why is his hairline so perfect?? UGH. THE GENES I GOT. I WANT A REFUND
I never miss the butter sculpture. Especially when they do a bunch of running horses with lovingly-carved anuses. Oh, if you could have only seen what I'd seen.
Let's see... after that was WACON. My Tsunade costume looked good. I re-made the hanten. The first time around, I'd made it after she was introduced in the manga, but before she showed up in the anime. So, my colors were totally off. This time around, I got it spot-on. I used an official patch from VIZ. It's a little too small, but the kanji looks way better on an embroidered patch. Someone at the con said I was the best Tsunade they'd ever seen. SO FLATTERED!
Still, I was not feeling good about my weight gain and had to wear a corset to get the shape I wanted. Then I gamed the hell out of my photos. Still, I think the end result looks good& reasonably close to source
Um.. what happened after that? Halloween? Yeah, no sh*ts were given. I was coerced at the last minute into making a pirate costume so my husband would have something to wear at work. I've found that when I keep busy on something creative, I can really forget about being depressed for a few hours. the shirt came out pretty well, and I am proud of it.
I didn't have any parties to go to or anything like that myself. I was pretty bummed out about it all because Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. I decided that I'd try to get myself out of my funk and dress up and go out. I didn't have candy to give to the kids. I wanted to avoid having just bags of that crap sitting around the house, so I visited husband at work and met up with old Workout Partner at Babies R Us. She was working on her registry. After that, I went to the comic book shop& went home. I slapped together an Abby from NICS. The funny thing was, Most of that stuff was either regular goth clothes or parts from other coplay projects. Some lady in the grocery store parking lot lost it. Mission accomplished.
So yeah.. since coming back from Denver, I've been just feeling awful, but I'm still trying at least once or twice a month to drag myself out of it and challenge myself to go out and do things. When I have a mission or a goal, I seem to do ok. For some reason, weight loss goals aren't doing it for me? :X Anyway... I haven't given up. I am doing badly and I desperately want a chance of pace. I also desperately want the year of BAD to be over, but hey! They holidays aren't over yet. The bad news keeps rolling in! Mom2's dog died and one of Mom3's cats just got a terminal diagnosis. This cat has been in renal failure for like 8 years. It was supposed to die ages ago, but it beat all the odds and lived a great quality of life up until now! It had some problem with her intestines slipping inside out, and she was rushed into surgery. They found a mass and removed it, but she has cancer. They're going to continue care, but the cat has less than a year and a half, probably. I don't know. This cat is the energizer bunny. It may just make it another 5 years... but I kind of doubt it.
I'm thinking I really just need to buckle down and focus on myself, despite how pointless and selfish it seems. Fitness, eating right.. all of it feels hopelessly pointless because life in general just seems pointless right now. I'm working on it. I'm trying, and I'm struggling and I'm fighting. I haven't given up yet, and I hope that soon my good days will outnumber my bad.... because getting out of the house is hard enough as it is. I don't want to have to actually go to an appointment when things are this tough right now. -..-
Thursday, November 06, 2014
I'm sorry for being absent, Spark. Things aren't particularly bad in my life, but I somehow can't seem to find any energy to be enthusiastic about anything! There are days when I know I should be working out, but I get out of bed and just start crying. I've talked to a few people about this, but it hasn't really gotten anywhere.
WLBFF hasn't talked to me since I told her I was depressed. She just awkwardly changed the subject. The woman who says I am one of her best friends ever was too busy with her own life to take a few minutes and talk to me when I brought it up. I don't mean to make this a pity party at all. I'm just surprised that when I admitted I was so down and reached out, so many people withdrew. That isn't to say that everyone has. Old workout partner is very busy with her own life, but made an effort to come by a week or two ago and have a movie night with me. Huband brought me flowers when I was particularly unenthused to see him during his lunch break. (I wasn't angry with him, I was just unexcited about life and it was apparently so bad he noticed it)
I have 0 motivation on the health front because of this, and my body is suffering. I know that I need to get back into it. I've been trying to keep a normal workout schedule, but I've been averaging 3-4 days a week compared to my usual 6. I haven't made it out to the new gym since I got back from Denver. I really don't know why I've been so depressed lately! It really sucks! I hate it and I'm tired of it and I look back on days when I could wake up and feel motivated and get a ton of stuff done in one day and wonder how that was even possible.
I haven't worked out yet today, but I'm going to. I'm in my workout clothes, and I'm almost ready to get started. I just really felt like I was long overdue for a blog post. I've known some of you guys YEARS now, and I really didn't think it was right to leave everyone hanging. Sadly, if I ever quit spark, it'll probably just be with a whimper and silence like this instead of a bang. So many other people have stopped coming liket hat. It's not right. But I'm not leaving yet.
Moderation has been hard. Staying away from junk food has been hard. I just have these negative thoughts hanging over my head all day like, "What's the point of it all? Why bother trying? I'm not doing anything with my life, so who would care if I just let myself go?" I can tell you that I know rationally, these are unhealthy thoughts. I know people care. I can't tell you why these thoughts keep dominating my mind, though, or why it's so easy to let them win. I've really been loathe to call it honest to goodness depression even though I've been through dark periods before over the years, but I think it might be. I talked to my dad, and he said "You got that from me. I've been suicidal for the last 12 years."
Well, I think everyone that's been close to him knows that. And we all know that he won't get help. But, if I've inherited a chemical imbalance in my brain, that would explain a lot. Unfortunately, I've also "inherited" my dad's stubbornness and haven't been to a doctor about this problem yet. Our insurance changed with the Affordable Care Act, and what used to be REALLY AWESOME insurance totally sucks balls now. I don't blame Obama. I blame greedy ass companies. Anyway... that coupled with growing up in a family that pretty much didn't go to the doctor unless something was literally cut off has made me reluctant to seek help. Dad's always been that kind of "Damn it, fix your problems yourself, and don't rely on anyone if you can help it" kind of guy. I also suspect he's ingrained some sort of suspicion into us about the psychiatric side of medicine. I absolutely do not think there is anything wrong or shameful in seeing a psychiatrist or anything like that. I believe medicine can help people that can't live a balanced life without it, and there is nothing wrong or shameful or weak in taking antidepressants or anything like that. Am I one of those people? I have no idea. The thought of having to take an anti depressant is kind of frightening, though, since that's some serious medication with serious side effects.
Usually, when I get like this, it passes in a few weeks max, but it's kind of hung around for a while this time. I haven't been making it to my Al-Anon meetings regularly, and I know that isn't helping either. I'm still dealing with an active alcoholic in my life, and I feel like that, plus the intermittent busy periods of activity I've had this fall have made me crash hard. I'm really an introvert, and doing something every weekend is so exhausting. My MIL is visiting in two weeks, and then I have a convention in Feb. That's it for now. I need to recharge, and I feel like I should be good by now, but I'm just so unhappy for no reason I can stick my thumb on.
Again, I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. I just really wanted to let you guys know what's going on with me. This isn't something a few pats on the back are going to fix. I'm either going to come out on the other end on my own pretty soon, or I'm going to have to go seek real help and figure out if I need to alter my brain chemistry or not. I mean hell... my body already has so many problems being on this hormonal birth control. I really can't imagine how F'ed up my brain would be dealing with new brain chemicals :(
I keep thinking of Al-Anon slogans like "Just for Today" to try to get through this. "Just for Today" has been my motto lately, but it hasn't been terribly successful. I like it, but for it to work, I have to do it, you know? I'll tell myself, "Just for today, I'm going to get on the bike. I'm not going to worry about whether or not I'll do it tomorrow. I'm just going to worry about today." Sometimes it works! I haven't really noticed any difference in how I feel between days I do work out and days I don't, though, which is a little troubling since exercise is really supposed to help with the ol' brain chemicals.
I can't help but think this has been brewing a while, since I remember not being excited AT ALL about my Denver trip. I went. I had a good time. It was lovely. The wedding was amazing, and it was wonderful seeing everyone... but when I came back home I crashed kind of hard. I suppose it's been a month and a half since then?
Anyway, I really haven't felt motivated enough to get my pictures from my cel phone onto my computer, so I don't have a picture post for you guys this time. There would be a lot to post if there was! Costume photos from NDK, wedding photos (Or at least pictures of me in a bridesmaid dress), costume photos from Wacon (Waco's own tabletop gaming convention. I was a guest/ judge of the costume contest), as well as pictures of the two Halloween costumes I put together. I also entered a few of my costumes into a bunch of online Halloween costume contests. I don't expect to win anything, but I'm confident that my costumes are good, so it's ok if I don't.
I apparently entered a costume contest at the comic book shop and didn't even know it! I didn't win anything, but I wasn't in a comic book costume. I was just in costume and decided to go down there and pick up a few things, and they were like "Hey, let's get your picture next to the spider man that we dressed up like batman!" and I was like "Hey, ok whatever!" I'm used to getting my picture taken in costume, so I didn't really think anything of it, but I ended up on the Bankston's facebook XD
The other ones I entered are the "We Love Colors" Halloween costume contest and the Atlus O'Weenie event. Atlus publishes a lot of my favorite games. I've always wanted to submit a costume for this contest, but I didn't have any good pictures of my P4 costumes last year, and no costumes that qualitfied at all the year before that. I had two to choose from this year. I don't expect I'll win, but I'm glad that I finally got to enter. I won't win because this game sits in the anime fandom. People will vote for the sexiest costume. If the sexiest costume isn't that impressive, they will vote for the biggest/ most showy costume. My costume is neither. That's ok, though, because I know I did a good job, and while it's not award winning material, I got to finally join the contest. My goal was just to participate. Goal accomplished! Let the pieces fall where they may. I don't care at this point.
The We Love Colors contest is another one that I've never managed to enter. They sell tights/socks/gloves/bodysuits/etc in a bunch of different colors. It's really my cosplay go-to website for solids. They partnered up with Arda wigs for the contest this year, and hell. Most of my wigs are arda. So, I entered that one. Winners aren't announced until the 18th, but the only popularity contest prize is the People's choice (most Facebook likes), so I feel like maybe I could win one of the other prizes. I won't win the facebook likes contest, because I don't have a facebook and don't pimp that crap out to everyone. If I had a facebook and told everyone to go vote for me, I'm sure I'd have more likes, but I've always felt that was dumb. I hate it when people come up to me and say "hey, go to my facebook and like this thing" or "hey, go to this website and vote for me." If I went to that website and liked something, I'd vote for the thing I liked, not just my friends. Also, it seems like the people that frequent those sites should be the ones to choose the winner. Not the person with the most social media connections. I mean, yeah, that's how life is, but that's not how I want to live mine, you know? If I win a prize, I want it to be on the merit of my own work, and not because I hounded everyone I know on twitter to go vote on something.
That's why I'm posting 0 links here :P
So yeah, that's pretty much all I've been up to. I'm trying to keep the house less than disgusting, but somehow it feels like the housework just piles up so fast. Sometimes I'll have a good day and knock out a lot of it all at once, but then I'll get behind like 2 loads of dishes, 3 loads of laundry, and can't remember the last time I vaccumed. I absolutely must get on top of the housework before my MIL comes to visit, though. I know she will end up cleaning most of the time if I don't get everything nice before she gets here. I always feel bad, because visiting us should be like a vacay for her. She shouldn't have to do a thing while she's here. When I was younger and fresh into this marriage, it used to really intimidate me and make me feel like an awful housewife. I used to feel like she was showing me up and disapproved of how we live, but I know now that's not the case. She's just one of those types of people that always likes to be doing something and tidying up is something she can do no matter where she is. I think The Husband talked to her about it because she stopped doing it for a while, but she's back at it again if she's staying more than 3 days. It doesn't bother me anymore, though. I just get right in there with her to prove I'm not a slacker :X
One of the main areas I need to tidy up is the dining room. Since I wont' be working on any costumes for a few months, I need to put everything away and make that room useful again. It's going to be tough, since I bit off more than I could chew this year and there are unfinished bits of things everywhere. I'll have to find a home for it all, assess any damage I've done to the table top, and buy a new tablecloth to cover it :X I always work on a craft mat, but something always happens. This poor tabletop...
Anyway, I've rambled on way too long. It's tough to get though, I know! Here, have a picture of young Nugget. Before she became hideously corpulent (apparently) Lately people have been visiting the house and saying things like "LOLWOW, SHE IS HUGE NOW" and it's *strangely* hard not to take it personally! She's on a strict diet, too! We're both doing the best we can~! T..T My whole house is unhealthy and fat! T..T FAILURE AT LIFE! I mean, it's so weird how all these comments about my cat's fatness are easy to take personally. We monitor her diet very carefully, but there was a month or two when her feeder was slowly slipping and increasing her food amount, and we didn't catch it for a while... It's not her fault! We're on top of it now, and it's been reduced significantly, so she should be doing better! Ughhhh
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I have that really brutal sore throat again. You know, I didn't used to get sick after cons, but I swear I've come down with something after every one of my recent ones!!!
This will be short, since I'm posting from my phone. I'm doing it this way, since this is where all my pictures are! I really hope to take some time later this week to get back on my regular food/exercise schedule& catch up in SPARK
Until then, here's a look at....... Some of my looks last weekend!
My transformed Uruki ended up pretty awesome. I finished the leg guards at like 1AM the night before, but I knew I had to do it a certain way to get the look I wanted.
I hope to get even more photos of this one next month at NDK!
After that was my surprise costume for a freind. She totally flipped out& it was worth it for her reaction!
We really didn't get any photos of it, but it was cute. I wore grey circle lenses with this one instead of regular blue lenses. Blue would have matched her eyes, but the circle lenses make me look a little younger!
That night, I was pretty wiped out& didn't change. I'd worn Yukiko previously, so I didn't get a lot of pics when I wore her again, but it was really popular!
Sunday was Amythest's test run. It took a really long time to get the body makeup on, so I'm going to try color matching some tights for my arms, that way I only have to do the face. We'll see how it goes! Even then, it looked pretty darn good
I used contouring techniques to give depth to my face& collar bones
Even with many layers of spray-fixer, though, the makeup started to come off by early evening. I decided to wear something BLEACH
I only wore this particular character once before, despite the heavy wear my shihakushou has had with the half dozen or so BLEACH costumes I've worn in the past. This time, I remembered that Kirio Hikifune wears black lipstick instead of a beauty lip color!
That was it for the con. The rest was a lot of me goofing off!
And, uh.... I mean a LOT of time goofing off
I'm pretty worn out& a little sick. I have less than a month to prepare for my long Colorado trip. I know it will be fun, but being away from home that long is kind of stressing me out. I really want to knock out a bunch of stuff on my To-Do list and start feeling better about myself again, you know???
I hope to catch up with you guys soon!
Monday, August 11, 2014
There's always an adjustment period for me when I come home from being away for 4+ days. It takes a while to get back into my regular eating habits, you know?
The scale was up by over 10lbs when I got home, though. That's just how sore I was. I know that there was no way under the sun I could have gained that much, so I'm not stressing about it TOO much. It's just frustrating seeing numbers that high again, even if they aren't "real," you know?
Here's a short recap of what happened when I was in Austin:
Had a healthy breakfast Weds before I hit the Greyhound down. Bro picked me up around 11& we ran some errands and tried to decide what we would do about food for the duration of the visit. He knew he wanted to go get pizza& beer Weds night, but didn't really have any ideas for the rest of the trip. I tried to work out exactly what to get from the grocery store to try to keep me on track.
For lunch, we went to a sushi place and I had beef yakisoba. It was good! No idea how many calories were in it, but unfortunately, my options were limited. I agreed to sushi because I knew there was always something else not fish-related on the menu (ALLERGIES! not a dislike of fish) This place had a really small selection of non-sushi items, though, and I was kind of shocked! I didn't get the tempura or any of the combo meals because I knew they'd be too big. My yakisoba was good, though, and while I know it was over my goal of a 400 cal meal, I didn't worry about it too much because I didn't plan to snack a lot while I was there.
We went all over the place and did all sorts of wacky stuff in town, then hit a Trader Joe's and HEB so I could get some food. Unfortunately, he and I ended up going off the deep end with junk food at Trader Joe's. It wasn't even my intention. So, the whole weekend was spent snacking on junk food. :( Dinner was the planned Pizza& beer. I had two slices and one glass of beer and some greek salad. I felt like I overate.
The next day was the tough one. We planned to move maybe 2 loads of stuff and then hit Snow Monster and wait to move the heavy stuff the next day when we'd have lots of help. Unfortunately, one of our friends ended up not being able to help. That just left Dad on Friday. My brother and I had a really good rhythm of loading/unloading/unpacking going, so we kept going through most of the day. We carried heavy boxes, furniture, and all his other assorted crap down to the truck from the THIRD FLOOR, drove it across the complex, and then unloaded it and ran it up to the second floor, then unpacked. In between, we sucked down a lot of water, and a handful of junk here & there.
Lunch was one of those Oscar Meyer protein packs+ a bunch of watermelon. lol. Really not bad there, but we were eating too much crap in between. From all the stairs, though, I think I burned approximately ONE MILLION CALORIES! Obv, not really, but it was a lot of hard work. When I was feeling pretty exhausted and done, we realized that we had maybe only 2-3 loads left. I told my bro that we should really wait until the next day, when we'd have Dad's help. He said he thought we could finish, though, so I pressed on. I was really feeling like I was dying towards the end, though, and fell a few times, dropped furniture on myself, etc. He said I could rest if I wanted, but HE WAS GOING TO FINISH WITH OR WITHOUT ME
That's like some kind of strange peer pressure there, so I pressed on and we finished. Well, we thought we finished. We actually forgot some stuff at the old place, and had to go back and get a trunk load of crap when we did all the final cleaning the next day. When I finally got my shower, it was around 8pm. We'd been going straight from 9AM to at least 7:30PM with only short breaks in between loads. For dinner, I decided the only thing that could revive me from the dead was French fries. We went down to some bar that he likes and I had two coctails, a burger with fries& split some fried cheese curds with the bro. Nothing healthy about that, but I was too exhausted to care. I probably could have just gone to bed without eating at that point! I was so worn out. When we got back from the bar, I pretty much fell asleep immediately.
On Fri, I wasn't quite AS sore as I thought I'd be, but I knew it was going to get worse. I "warmed up" for the day by helping the bro clean the rest of the old apartment& while we were getting ready to pack the rest of the stuff, my dad came. I hadn't seen him in many months, but he's looking good. His essential tremors are getting worse, so it was difficult watching him drink water and do things with his hands, but he seems to be in good spirits. He acted like he was angry with us when we called the night before and told him we finished everything, but he came anyway. He helped us move the last of the stuff, and then we went down to The Salt Lick for lunch. He's doing low carb, so we wanted to make sure he got something awesome that would stay in his diet.
I downgraded to the 2 meat plate because they always give you too much food there. Again, with the drinking! My brother brought beer, because the place is BYOB. Dad didn't have any, and I hate two. I couldn't finish everything they gave me, so I gave away some of my food and ended up feeling kind of full and gross afterwards. The rest of the day kind of went downhill from there as we tried to meet various friends at various places, and then I wore my PJs home in the car on Sat because I felt so sore, gross, and bloated. Hooray!
Over the weekend, I focused on resting. I've had difficulty sleeping because of the pain in my legs. The soreness is slowly going away, but I'm bruised and blistered everywhere. I probably won't know what my resulting weight is for a few more days, but I can tell my swelling is still bad because I wake up with puffy, stiff fingers and have trouble moving for the first 20 min or so I get out of bed.
I rested Sat&Sun, but I still feel awful, so I'm trying to figure out what my workout schedule will be for this week. I want to try to make it to REFIT tomorrow if I'm not dying. I'm trying to decide if I should rest today or get on the bike. I was only awoken once from the pain in my calves, but I figure if it hurts so bad it's waking me up, I should probably take one more day to rest. If I'm still sore tomorrow, I may have to skip refit and just work out at home.
Fortunately, most of the upper body soreness has gone away. There's still a little bit in the shoulders and biceps, but it's nearly all gone now. The worst is in the lower body right now. All those stairs won out over the worn my arms were doing to hold boxes, I'm tellin' ya.
Eating at home since I came back has been a little rough because there's really no food here right now. I need to go to the grocery store, but The Husband was working Sat/Sun and couldn't take me. I couldn't take my car... BECAUSE MY CAR IS AT THE DEALERSHIP AGAIN!
Anyway, I'm kind of feeling depressed and demoralized right now about my weight even though I know it's not rational because it's mostly water weight from all this muscle inflammation. I feel like I should give up and beg the bridal store to help me get something that fits me now. With only a little over a month left to go, I'm freaking out a little bit. I was only about 2lbs away from being ready to zip that sucker up before the Austin trip, but I feel like I'm worlds away now. After all, I'm leaving town again on Friday for a four day convention. There's just going to be more inflammation and soreness
Generally, I'm feeling like I fail at life and I will never get any closer to my goals than I am now, and I'll just gain all my weight back and be miserable and fat and depressed forever.
We all know that place, and I think we all recognize how unhealthy those kinds of thoughts are. I've been there before. I'm there now. I'll be there again. These things are pretty much guaranteed! The tough part is dragging yourself out of that and going back to doing what needs to be done.
I really want to get to the store so I have fresh produce& protein. I've been eating frozen diet meals from the freezer. That's my desperation food! It's like... last resort stores of low calorie meals I can eat right away if I've screwed a day up and didn't plan my meals, or if I waited to long to eat and I'm really really hungry and about to eat something bad. It's not my every day food! Woman cannot survive on Lean Cuisines and Healthy Choice alone!
So, I'm hoping my husband is willing to run me down to the store today. I know he hates it, but it's got to get done. I'm also hoping the dealership calls and tells me they're towing my car back to me. I miss it :( And I have an Al-Anon meeting today and I'll probably have to skip it because of the car problems. I did finally tell my husband I was going, but it feels awkward asking him to drop me off& pick me up there after telling these people about how his problems affect me, you know? I mean, it's all in confidence, and I trust these people not to talk about it, but it's still weird.
Anyway, I'm off to have my usual breakfast of oatmeal& coffee. Then, I might have a shower. After that, I'll have to figure out what to do with myself. I can't sit around the house moping around and playing dating sims all day. (I started Hakuoki a few days ago, and I'm working on clearing all routes) I still really want to go out to the movies to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was put off two times now due to the car problems. I have a feeling we won't really get to go for a while, though. *sigh*
I also still have some minor things to do for the convention this weekend. I haven't even decided what costumes to bring! I'm mostly so bummed out about my fluctuating weight that I'm worried NOTHING will fit and I'll just be running my panel in uncomfortably snug jeans and a T-shirt that shows off too many lumps. Really great for a panel on dressing to flatter yourself, right?? I know that's not going to happen. I have plenty of costumes to bring. I just have to decide which ones, and how many. Still... ugh!
I wish these bad thoughts about myself would go away. I really hate it when I get down like this and it makes it a little more difficult to make progress. I know I'll start to feel better when the rest of the water weight goes away. I'm still hanging onto like 5lbs of it, but it's better than the +12 I had on me on Sat, right?
Monday, August 04, 2014
I'm still working hard. I know I'll never be perfect, but I have to try to be the best "me" I am capable of. My calorie counts have been great the last few days. I won't lie. It hasn't been easy. The first day I decided to buckle down hard and NOT LET MYSELF GO OVER, my stomach was bothering me all day long. It kept aching and grumbling and growling, even when I was eating my meals. I just kept chugging water that day, and the day after it was a little better. I swear, getting past the first few days of buckling down are always the hardest.
I'm still working on a good weekly schedule for me. I think I'm allergic to that word. Schedule. Ugh. It implies obligations and the loss of freedom! But, I need my structure. I was doing just OK with my previous schedule... (Wake up, have breakfast, get bike done, shower, lunch at 12 noon, housework, dinner at 5PM), but the addition of REFIT shakes things up a little bit. The workouts are all pretty much at mealtimes! So, I decided that I'm not going to go to any of the 12 noon workouts. That leaves 5:30/6:30 on Mon-Thurs, no Friday, and a 10 AM workout on Sat.
I knew that I wanted to make sure that I made it to Tues 6:30s for the BURN session, because I love that trainer. I also knew that I couldn't handle three days of REFIT in a row, but that I also wanted to do 3-4 days a week out there.
So here's the plan!
Mon/Weds/Fri: BIKE BIKE BIKE (My Al-Anon meetings are mon evenings, so this works out. Last week, I did REFIT, then went straight to my meeting all sweaty and gross. I didn't like that)
Tues/Thurs/Sat: REFIT! Tues will be a burn session, and Sat will be a regular workout for sure. I don't know if I'll do a special session on thurs, or a regular one. I want to try the sculpt session one of these days, but Thurs is another BURN. I'd have to go Mon or Weds for a sculpt session. Last time I did 3 REFIT days in a row, though, I was dying at the end of day three. The bike is practically a rest day.. but I'm burning calories! XD
My performance on the bike has been really really good lately. I know this is because of the REFIT workouts. They aren't just cardio. I'm also getting some strength training through body resistance stuff. They only use weights on the SCULPT days. The rest is crazy crap like chair dips and whatnot. Good stuff, but you'll hurt afterwards!
But yeah.. got pretty close to my PR on the bike on Sun. Getting the squats and all that other stuff at REFIT has increased my strength and brought back some of the intensity I was missing to my home workouts.
Still not a fan of the praying, but whatever.
I worked out on the bike on Sun instead of resting because I'm going to Austin on Weds to help my brother move! I'll miss workouts on Weds-Sat. Thurs will be filled with running small boxes down three flights of stairs, across the apartment complex, and up two more flights. Friday will be filled with moving heavy things. Going home on Sat, but I know I'm going to be wiped out. The major challenge here won't be the lack of exercise, but controlling my calories. I can't help it. Living in a place like Waco, I get excited when I get to go to Austin/ Dallas/ Denver/ etc. Big cities with a really exciting food scene are an awful temptation to me.
I'm hoping that the ground rules I laid out with my brother are enough to keep me from slipping too badly. I'm worried.
After that, I'll have less than a week to be completely prepped for AnimeFEST. I feel like I could be ready to go in a day or two, so I'm not too worried about not having things done. Everything is pretty much done except for that Rayearth armor, and I haven't decided if I'm going to try to get that finished or not. I'll probably work on small things today and tomorrow when I have time, and see how I feel about the Hikaru armor. I always have the option of wearing it like I have been, but the dumb shoes I have for that costume are not good for long periods of time. I'm wondering if they contributed in some small part to the toe nail separation problem I've been having. I initially contributed it to fungus, and THOUGHT I had the fungus cleared up, but they separated again after A-kon. I wore those CROCS wedges at A-kon, though, and my feet were dying after a whole day in them. If I only wore the costume for half a day, it wouldn't be so bad. I just don't get why the shoes are so uncomfortable. I mean, they fit my foot, and they're freaking CROCS
Uh Oh, time for a paragraph break. That one was getting pretty long.
Anyway, I'm going to try to get most of my stuff packed up by Weds-Thurs of next week. KAM said she'd still go to AFEST, even if L wasn't going, so while the room cost goes up for everyone, I still have a carpool, and I don't have the whole hotel bill in my lap. L may decide she can go after all, because she's flakey like that. If that's the case, hey! She can still carpool! It's going to directly affect how much crap I can bring with me to the swap meet, though. I want to bring a toooooon this year! But I probably will bring maybe two bags of stuff. It's tempting to just bring all my Sailor Moon stuff. I mean, I still love all sorts of things, including Sailor Moon, but I want to focus my collecting to Shin Megami Tensei, Berserk, and Hellsing stuff. I'd much rather narrow my focus on just a few franchises and get quality items from that one fandom than spend a lot of money on smalls from a lot of different series.
Anyway.. I'm trying not to stress about Denver quite yet. I have to get through Austin first, then worry about AFEST.
I am still losing weight. Slow and steady. I have just 1.2lb left of this post-surgery weight. I'm thinking my weight loss will completely stall while I am in Austin, so I'm focusing on doing my absolute best to stay in calorie ranges until then. It mostly involves chugging a lot of water, eating lots of sugar-free jello, and judiciously planning my meals and mealtimes. I'll keep you guys updated.
Just remember.. when you see the Spark Feed alert you that I've lost weight.. it's cause for MASSIVE celebration, because it marks the first significant weight loss since last Dec or so! Please look forward to it and help keep me accountable :)
Get An Email Alert Each Time POMATOJUICE Posts