Saturday, March 01, 2014
I'm doing better with my calories. Things are slowly going back down to weight loss ranges for me. Not yet, but they are getting there. Today is the start of a new month! Maybe this month will be better than last.
I started to clean up my calories last week, and kept everything under 2k since weds. That's not very long, but I hope to keep the streak going. I've been eating in maintenance ranges and working very hard. I've managed to go much longer before overeating, which I hope to soon translate into going all day before overeating.
It's been a lot of self-sabotage. I had a day that was going to end at around 1300, and I was like "WOW, MY LOW NUMBER, KICKASS!!" I was struggling a bit at night, but I was fighting snacky urges, not actual hunger. I was drinking a lot of water, and doing really well!! Husband came home at 7pm with a gigantic meat pizza, and I couldnt' stop thinking about how crunchy and awesome the crust it on that kind, and how greasy and tasty the toppings are. It got so bad I decided I could have half a slice and end the day just over 1400. I ended up eating a whole slice and ending up around 1600, though :/ I should have been done with food for the day! I wasn't hungry!! Why did I sabotage myself??
I did it again last night. I was ending the day at like 1450, and ate a bunch of popcorn, ending at 1600ish. Not the end of the world, if it was a one-time thing, but doing this every day keeps me in maintenance.
I'm at a point where I know what to do, and I know how to do it, but I just don't. It's the kind of situation where people call you a lazy fat person and it's true because you are lazy kind of thing, and it makes me feel awful about myself. I'm still working out every day, though. My burns are still consistently higher than when I was low-carbing, too. I'm having all sorts of hormonal problems still. My cycle seems ok now, but we'll see. This would normally be TOM, but I'm going through my extra pills from the two Low-carb early periods so I don't have to deal with TOM in costume this weekend.
Wow.. only one month since my month of low carb. Blah.
I'm still trying to grow back the hair on the front of my head that thinned out when I low carbed. -..- My fingernails have finally stopped flaking off, though. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
BTW- Thanks all for the really nice comments on my costume stuff! I haven't really had the chance to spend as much time on spark as I like, so I hope to go back and reply to all the comments later. I pop in once every other day or so to try to keep up on things. I'm not as active as I want to be, but it's really tough trying to be active when you feel like you arent' getting anywhere. There's no progress to share! Just unending whining!
Still, I'm trying to work hard. I feel like I put a massive amount of energy changing my food for Low-Carb, and the payoff was not there. It's exhausting. I feel like I need some other food plan that I can try, because normal eating is so difficult for me for some reason. I'm keeping my portions under control when I'm portioning out a meal or a snack, but the problem is that I go back later for another snack, then another. It doesnt' matter if your crap is well-portioned when you are eating too many portions! That's just the same problem as having fewer snacks that are gigantic.
I have one week until this next convention, and I'm rather afraid that Kefka will be uncomfortably tight in the leg area. I feel like it's already too late, because even if I drank nothing but liquids for a week, I wouldn't lose anything. This isn't true, though. If I did nothing but liquid diet for a week, I'd probably drop like 10 lbs! I can't do that crap, though :P My version of liquid diet this week has been drinking a black coffee with breakfast to curb my morning hunger! That's really not the same :P
So, I'm struggling, as I have been for the past year+ No surprise there! I'm still plodding along, though. And maybe that is a surprise. I don't know. I'm still trying! I feel like lately that I'm not trying hard enough and that the rest of my life will be a struggle to stay 184.4, though. I feel like it's time to up my spark weight again, but that's such a depressing thought. I keep hoping any day now things will click again and I'll stop sabotaging myself and start losing weight again. It's not going to happen until I stop eating extra snacks between meals and giving in to late night sudden-appearance pizza.
The Husband is on vacation for the next week. Lord help us all. Meals will be extra difficult for a while.
I've finished my coffee and 160cal oatmeal, though, and now it's time to put on some workout clothes and go do something active-ish. I may be running errands this afternoon, which is great for cutting down snacking. It's hard to eat more when I am out of the house. I will try to check back in later and get some comments done!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
As many of you know, I always get a little nervous before each convention. I start getting weird dreams anywhere from a week to a few months before a con, and it's almost always costume related.
It's usually just the usual nervous stuff, like "Oh no! Nothing is done and I'm at the con and have nothing to wear!" or "I finished everything and forgot half the outfit at home, 2hrs away, and can't possibly go back and get it!"
Last night's stress nightmare was about the same. I dreamed that it took me so long to get my Kefka makeup on that I missed the costume contest at the con I am going to the weekend after next. It'd taken me so long to do the whiteface that not only did I miss the doors opening, but I missed the contest completely!
They're all very silly, but I tend to be a worrywart. I am a very prompt person, so I know for a fact that I won't miss it. If the doors open at 11 for pre-reg, then I'm going to show up at 10:45, meaning I start my makeup at 8:30AM.
The website posted info about the costume contest finally, though, and it does stress me out a little bit. I don't really compete for a multitude of reasons. People always come up to me and say things like, "Why don't you compete??" or "Why are you just standing around out here? You should have been in the event!!" and I'm just like.. eeehhhhh
1) Some of the cons people tell me to compete in are ones I have judged in the past. It does not seem ethical to me to compete at a con I've judged at. I won't do it.
2) Believe it or not, I'm not that confident. I always go there hoping I'll win SOMETHING, and I usually win NOTHING and then feel awful about myself. I know my stuff is good, and logically there are ways you can go about winning contests if you are willing to costume things you don't necessarily like but are popular. Ultimately, if you want to win a contest, you need to have something very impressive that lights up& has a ton of armor, or you need to go the opposite route and be hot, damned near naked, and dressed up as something popular. Some cons are not that shallow, but it's essentially a beauty pageant/popularity contest. I've never been that popular, and while I think I'm pretty, I'm too heavy to wear bikini armor :P Which brings me to 3...
3) Competing brings out the worst in me. I have decided to avoid this ugly side of me by not competing at all. I am not sure if this is better than forcing myself to face that side of me or not, but I feel it's a more peaceful and harmonious solution :P I feel much more accomplished as a costumer when I am asked to judge or run events than when I compete anyway! When I compete& go home with nothing (95% of the time!) then I just find myself thinking bitter and nasty thoughts about how if I was hotter and more naked, then I'd have done better. Sometimes I feel that my stuff is just downright better and more well made than the winners, but they just won because they did a funny skit from a popular series, etc. I don't like that ugly side of me, so I generally avoid competing.
So why compete at this comic con at all? Well, I don't have any ties to this startup convention for one. Also, I'd like to showcase my best recent costume to the local community. And let's be honest here. The bitchy half of me really thinks that it's good enough to maybe place in the contest. On the other hand, it's a comic con. Generally, you want to go with a costume themed for the convention, and Kefka is from a videogame. I wasn't going to bother at all, but I noticed that some of the guests are being advertised for their ties to God of War, and I was like "WELL, THAT'S PERMISSION FOR VIDEOGAME COSTUMES!!"
I figured.. hell, it can't hurt, and maybe people will realize that there are costumers in Waco. I want to make friends to cosplay with! We used to have such great sewing weekends when my college roommates still lived here!
But yeah... I honestly don't think there will be a TON of competition if it's just from the Waco area, but you never know. We could have some really awesome cosplayers here and I wouldn't even know about it! I know we have some talented renfaire people here, because the ladies at the fabric store talk about them.
Anyway, I figured I'd go try it out and I'd probably lose to a kid wearing a Halloween store wolverine costume or whatever, no big deal... But then I saw the updated info about the contest! Kids have a separate category. Also, there are cash prizes. First place gets 250 bucks and 2 VIP tickets to next year's con.
Suddenly, I felt like.. nauseatingly nervous. Cash prizes? That's serious business. Most of the cons I go to don't do cash prizes, and give out like.. anime stuff/ trophies. I don't know why, but a monetary prize makes me really nervous and kind of not want to compete. I suppose people will be clamoring for it now, though XD
Also, they're limiting it to 30 spots, so if I don't get there early, cardboard Godzilla will get in and people won't see my Kefka XD Nothing against cardboard Godzilla. Cardboard Godzilla kicks an entirely different kind of ass. But why the hell am I feeling so nervous& suddenly not wanting to compete?
I dunno. It's not like losing invalidates me as a cosplayer or means that I suck. I'm not the best there ever was, but I think the stuff I make looks pretty cool when I put effort into it.
I just need to get over myself and go do it. There's no "The worst that can happen" scenario because even losing isn't like a bad thing. It just is what it is.
Anyway, thinking about how close this thing is getting has also made me very nervous. I've been maintaining my weight since Christmas... even with that low carb month in there. Kefka's pants were pretty darn tight at Ushi, and I'm actually a little bit worried about driving down to the con in that costume with the way the pants are fitting.
I'm trying to turn that into some serious motivation to get on track. I still need some short term goals, and I haven't exactly been coming up with anything awesome.
So here are the goals I DO have.. many of which are long-term.
*Get to 140-150lbs. Ultimate goal weight. May seem high to some people, but bite me. I think this is reasonable for me. I am 5ft 4, and that's riding "overweight" on the BMI, but I was 130-135 in HS and wearing a jrs 9 and looking pretty bangin', even if the guys at school said my ass was too big. :/ THANKS FOR SCREWING UP MY SELF ESTEEM, HIGHSCHOOL
*Be able to wear knee high boots off the rack- Hoping this can happen some day. Worried it is impossible without being like 25% body fat or less XD
*Lose 4lbs and be back in the 170s
*Kefka fits better
*Get down one jean size
*Lose another 10lbs beyond the initial 4 so I can whine about struggling in the 160s instead of the 170s or 180s. The 160s would be a change of scenery and a great new place to whine!
How will I do this: I HAVE NO EVER LOVIN CLUE.
But.. today, I started the day with a coffee and got my workout done. I had a balanced picnic lunch and tried to eat slowly. Between each item, I tried to chug a bunch of water. I am going to do my best to remind myself KEFKA KEFKA KEFKA whenever I am tempted to eat beyond acceptable parameters, and try to get the bulk of my water earlier in the day so I don't find myself trying to chug it all at night.
Oh yeah! So I dumped the photos off my cel phone and onto my comp, so I can show you some pics of Kefka& Marie from Ushi. All you got were the Hikaru pics last time.
The plan for HOT comic con is to wear Kefka on Sat and Hikaru on Sun. Really, I just want to show off the sword more :P It needs some TLC before the con, though, since the weather really screwed up the way the gems& clearcoat set, so I'll have to put some time aside to work on that.
I am strangely both proud and ashamed that I made all three of these costumes XD Proud, because Gogo was awesome when I made it back in 2003. Ashamed, because in order to get a group for my favorite game ever.... I have to make everyone's costumes XD
Kefka was made for creepin'
Sabin doesn't know what it means to be one of Charlie's Angels, but GOOD LORD MY CHEEKBONES ARE AWESOME
That's probably enough of him for now, but I seriously have so much fun dorking around in this costume. I made someone have a panic attack, though, because they had a debilitating fear of clowns. I felt bad :( And also strangely accomplished. But mostly bad.
I wore Marie again. I made sure to wear the waist cincher under this one because 1: weight gain, ugh... and 2: it really does look better when I don't have to worry about the white shirt wrinkling around my belly. It also helps the belt sit the way it's supposed to!
Also.. it looks ok with everything all together, BUT THIS SKIRT IS SHAMEFULLY SHORT.
I am also short, but I wore really ruffly costume underwear on top of my tights, which were on top of other underwear. If anyone saw up there, they got a show, and definitely not the kind I'd be embarrassed about, since everything was WELL COVERED
And just for comparison...
I'm like 10lbs lighter here, but I have much better waist definition in the previous photos because I was wearing that waist cincher! I could breathe and everything was comfortable, but the extra waist definition really helps make things look more neat/less sloppy
So anyway.. stomach is rumbling again. I'm going to chug some water and think about having an apple. But chug water first.. and repeat my mantra.. KEFKA PANTS KEFKA PANTS KEFKA PANTS... because you can also totally see the difference in my legs between the two marie photos XD
Maybe that costume is what I need to get the motivation to get back on track. Who knows? But today, I'm feeling motivated, and for now, that's what counts.
Monday, February 24, 2014
I am actually a blogging from my exercise bike right now because this is important and something I need to remind myself of often.
Today started out with a small oatmeal& went downhill from there. I was feeling down on myself and was convinced that a workout just wasn't going to happen today. I decided to be a moody recluse, play a bunch of warcraft, and eat the truffles I just remembered I had. Before lunch, I'd managed a small oatmeal, 8 truffles, and 1/2 servings of pop chips. I felt gross.
As the coffe started to kick in, I realized I was jittering my leg at 11:30, and not hungry for lunch. I realized that even though I was 50cal shy of 1k with no lunch, I could actually salvage the day.
I literally ran into the bedroom and threw on my workout clothes before I could talk myself out of it. 459 cal left for the day to hit my target amount.
Made bad food choices today, but I can still end out on top! I am literally biking as hard as I can, as we speak. The coffee is helping. Usually when the day starts out bad, it's so easy to get down on myself and just give up. Not today. This may be a freak occurrence, but i'mmgetting the workou in at 1:30 pm. I will hit midday snack time after my shower, but the coffee may make me want to skip it. That's cool....I try to hit target cal. The day isn't ruined.
Sinc3 I've had very little in the way aof proper nutrition, I will not punish and starve myself, though. I plan on having some noosa if I am starving later. If not, leftover been burgundy as planned and a perfect day out of a day I'd all but given up on.
I wrote this mostly for me, as I can give up way too easily when I mess up my food so early, but also a little for you guys. After all, if I can turn a crap day around, maybe I can spark someone else to do the same...
Even if this entry is probably riddled with spelling and autocorrect errors from all my frenetic biking!
Don't give in to the emo!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
It's not where I want to be, but at least I'm not actively gaining?
I'm still having a lot of struggles with food choice. I know better, but if you watched me eat throughout the day, it's like I don't even care. I'm not sure what to do to get that single-minded determination back, but I'm plodding along.
It's not even really that I've been eating a ton of junk food. I make sure I don't bring it into the house. I say that, but I did buy some godiva truffles the other day (individually wrapped grocery store ones). I haven't opened them. I don't know why I bought them. I will probably put them someplace strange and forget about them.
I'm buying lots of fruit, which is great. My portions are ok, but then I eat like 3 snacks after dinner. I may need to go over my meals and see where things are out of whack since I still want to eat afterwards. If I can cut out the snacks, I'd be ok!
The worst part is dealing with The Husband's ever-fluctuating work schedule. He's on a rotating schedule at the pharmacy, and works one of three different time slots every day. Early, mid, close. Except he doesn't really want to work 40hrs a week anymore, and is cutting his hours back. Instead of scheduling him for less, he just gets people to come in and cover his closing shifts. And sometimes the floaters need more hours, so he gives them to them. We are doing ok financially, so losing the hours is not a big deal, but it seems like trying to get consistent mealtimes is difficult.
I try to eat at the same times every day, regardless of the times he gets off work, but I think the big pain is menu planning. When it comes to myself, I'm pretty lazy. My best meals are when I'm cooking for two. When I'm making something for both of us, I put more work into making something balanced. Lately, he's been eating after meals, too, and my portion size is still around a 400 cal meal. I let him do whatever he wants, but I think I need to do a better job on the meals themselves.
I get so bored of the same things every day, but The Husband is VERY picky. To get the kinds of things I want (Brussels sprouts, sauerkraut... pretty much any veggie that is not potatoes, corn, or broccoli...anything "exotic") I sometimes find myself cooking multiple meals at once to feed us separately. I try to ask him what he wants, because when I say things like "I want to eat X. I am cooking X for dinner tonight," he says something like " :( I DON'T WANT THAT! I don't like that!" So, I have to either stick with things I know he likes, or run every new little thing by him and reassure him that he'll like it. Otherwise, I go through all the work (and we're talking sometimes 1-2 hours on meals) to make something cool, and have him turn his nose up at it and eat peanut butter on bread!
This isn't an excuse for the way I've been eating lately at all, though. All the extra snacking is totally on me. This is just an extra little annoyance :P
Tonight, we're having braised beef short ribs, burgundy style. Going to do a basic bourgingon recipe in the slow cooker, but use the short ribs instead of whatever cut I used last time. (shoulder? totally don't remember) It's mostly because the short ribs at the grocery store looked amazing yesterday, and I needed to think of something to do with them.
I skipped workouts Fri/Sat. Friday was a big spring cleaning day for me. I knew I'd be getting a lot of exercise, so I didnt' feel bad skipping. I spent the whole day moving furniture around in the living room so I could properly hand-scrub the floors on my hands& knees. It's not something I do often. I have a hoover floor-mate scrubber thing that works pretty good, but every decade or so, it really needs a good hand scrub with hot water and vinegar!!
I did the other half of the house two years ago, but crapped out before doing the living room because moving the furniture seemed like such a pain.
It was!! But my floor is so nice now :3
Here is my fortress of furniture! Only two pieces of the couch would fit here, and I had to scoot my workout bike over. The center console/coffee table/weird thing is on the other side of the pool table, and I had to leave a chunk of the couch in the living room!
Vaccuming the Persian rug...
I learned from my parents that the best way to clean these short of taking them outside and beating them within an inch of their lives is to vaccum the top, flip it over, and then vaccum the bottom. A Lot.
Magically, even though the floor looked clean before, all of this came out when I vaccumed the underside!
My living room looked so empty! I got a lot of hard scrubbing done, though. It looks like the laminate has taken quite a beating over the years, and there are some gouges in it I'd never noticed before. They aren't huge, but in another 15-20 years or so, we may want to get the floor redone.
Nugget did not like any of this at all. Without the couch there to break the sound in the room up, it echoed all the way back to the other room. She kept hearing noises bounce around in strange ways, and would take off running with her tail super poofed!
And here it is, all put back together!! The worst part about essential cleaning projects like this is the fact that in the end, it doesn't really LOOK like you've done anything at all :(
I skipped yesterday because I was freaking sore everywhere! The living room may not look any different, but I FELT IT!! It felt like I'd done a week of P90x! I had bruises on my knees, but my thighs, butt, arms, shoulders, etc were all sore! I felt like I got a pretty good workout there :P
Today is usual rest day. I am having a coffee with my chocolate oatmeal and I hope that will do me until lunch. In about an hour, I have to get to work on dinner so it can go in the croc pot all day.
I am currently looking forward to this ghetto ass comic con they are putting on in Waco. The website looks like some geocities abomination, but I am excited to support my local con, and maybe enter the costume contest. They don't appear to have any sort of programming, events, or panels beyond the announced costume contest and photo ops/ autograph sessions with the actors& talent they brought in, but whatever! I'm still going to go and have fun. Just me showing up in costume is an asset to the convention. I'm not being facetious when I say that, either. Many normal people like to go and see people in costume, so it's beneficial to the con when a lot of people dress up.
I'm hoping that it does well so that they can continue it every year and make it better. That's why I payed for a weekend pass! But really, if you want to have a good laugh at 90's web design, check out thehotcon.com They keep adding to it and slapping stuff on there, but it really isn't looking any better. lol. I can't knock the guests, though. They're bringing in some nice talent! They're getting two actors from Pirates of the Carribean along with power rangers and all sorts of other cool people. There should be something for everyone, with appeal for the kids, too. The parents around here might be pretty shocked when they find out it's like 50 bucks with a pic with a power ranger, but hey XD That's how these kinds of things work all over.
At any rate, for those of us who have gone to conventions for years this con seems a little silly. I haven't been, so I can't say anything bad about the way it's run. It's a first year con! I really do wish them the best, and plan on supporting it financially and... costuming...ly...
And I'm also convincing friends to go!! A party is more fun with lots of friends, right? So, I'm trying to convince some from out of town to come along and party with me. I don't care if they are cosplayers or not, but I have some good friends I haven't seen in a long while that I am trying to get over for this. Well, not really for this, but to hang out with me while I am AT the con :P So we can catch up, etc. The con is only running like 11am-6pm on sat, which is totally strange and alien to me. I'm used to conventions in hotels or with adjoining hotels where the party is 24hrs for three days straight. I know other cons that run in convention centers have to shut down when the convention center closes, too, but I've only been to one other that was like that, and they had adjoining hotels with all-night video programming.
What's probably most exciting about this whole thing, though, is the fact that this con is literally 3 miles from my house! It will be the shortest driver I have ever done to get to a convention :P
Anyway, off to slack today. Tomorrow is another day of working out and trying not to eat ALL THE THINGS. Well, today is also a day of trying not to eat ALL THE THINGS. I shall do my best!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Even though the house has been a nice, comfortable temperature during all these weather fluxuations, I've totally been in an oatmeal mood!
My favorites are the Quaker real medleys cups. The apple& walnut and peach versions are awesome! They are also pushing 300 cal each, though, which makes me sad because I normally don't budget that much for breakfast. They don't keep me full enough to make me NOT want an afternoon snack, though, so it's not really worth it. I mean, maybe if I was waking up at like 6-7AM on my own again and eating right away, it'd help keep me until lunch.. but lately I've been waking up between 8AM-8:30. If I have breakfast by 9, do the bike, etc, I'm finishing up right before it's time to start thinking about lunch anyway!
So, the quaker cups are gone. I'm eating Lavish now! It's not quite as awesome, but it's still really tasty. Lavish oatmeal comes in many creative flavors, and it's really a multigrain mix. This morning, I had the pomegranate one. They run about 170cal each, which is about the same as a Muscle Milk, and a little less than a GNC TOTAL LEAN WHATEVER SOME NUMBERS SUPER CAPS EVERYWHERE shake. Those clock in at about 220 cal, which isn't too much more than 170, so those breakfasts are pretty much interchangeable.
The Lavish flavors I have tried are the Plum, Pomegranate, and Dark Chocolate.. and.. THEY ARE ALL AWESOME.
I'd suggest them to anyone who misses oatmeal due to calories, since it's not that bad.
About the bike...
I've been keeping up with it! Some days my left knee really pinches on it. This is the same one I had problems with a few months ago. Some days, it pinches a little. It'll hit a higher incline, it will pop, and I'll be fine the rest of the ride. Other days, it doesn't pop and just hurts the whole ride through. I'm not having any pain whatsoever off the bike, though, so I'm trying to be mindful of my positioning. Maybe the left leg is going at a weird angle or something? I found one of my old knee braces, but it's tough to bike with the brace in the crease of your leg. Also.. my legs are too wide for the one I found. I think there's another one somewhere that may still fit, but I don't know.
I try not to get too down about my legs, but some days it is hard. It's much easier to be down on myself when I'm struggling with food and not losing any weight. I'm still 14lbs up from last july. My big Low Carb push didn't do anything! I worked that quite hard, with massive ammounts of diet adjustments and tracking, so it's still very demoralizing that I didn't get anywhere with it and that month essentially didn't happen.
I used to proudly tell people I lost nearly 80lbs. Now I have to revise that and either say69 (end of year one! -..-) or explain how I failed at life, struggled for an entire year to lose another 10, then gained it back with interest. It doesn't make you feel good!
So, I'm fighting these emotions a lot. It's dragging me down and putting me in a "who cares, nothing matters" mood a lot with food, which makes getting on track even more difficult! In the last week or so, I've had 3 days below 1600, a 3k day (valentine's), and a 2k day (yesterday) and a day or two in the 1700s. It's not great, but most days I am below maintenance, which should eventually equate to a slow loss.
I am also not drinking enough water. This is a constant struggle for me!! I keep a water bottle next to me at all times to sip off of, but I'm only getting about half as much as I should. It's something I need to work on, but I absentmindedly forget to drink it throughout the day, and then end up giving up at night, or chugging way too much and having to get up to pee like twice. -..- LIFE IS HARD? lol
So... I was thinking about revising my goals and trying to come up with some short term things for me to focus on, but I'm having trouble with that! Feel free to suggest anything you think I can do!
My ultimate goal of being between 140-150 hasn't really changed. I know I can live at that weight, since I have been that weight before! (in college). I don't think it's unreasonable. If my goal was like.. the 120s, then yeah. Some people can do that, but I don't think my body can. So, I need to lose like 40lbs.
That won't happen in one year, so this is a very long-term goal.
A major non-scale goal for me is to be able to COMFORTABLY wear most off-the-shelf knee high boots. I'm not sure how much weight it will take for me to reach this one, though. The problem is that I naturally have large calves no matter what size I am at, so I'm not even sure this is an attainable goal. I know I can pinch my calves and get at least good inch of skin/fat before I feel muscle, though.. and I'm about an inch away from comfortably fitting in one of the normal pairs I have now... so it may not be that unreasonable of a goal.
Besides that, I don't really have any concrete goals right now, which is probably another reason why I'm having trouble.
I thought that losing 2lbs/mo might be a good goal, but let's be honest. I haven't done that in a very long time. It's a scary thought, and I don't like dwelling on the numerical. Let's be honest again. I'm afraid of failure. Even when I know that NOT losing that is not the end of the world, I still hate failure. And it's not even because of failure itself! It's because I hate the sense of deep shame I always seem to feel when I fall short of a goal. I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself to the world and if I fail at anything, then the world is disappointed in me.
Logically? My brain tells me this is not the case. 99.9% of the world doesn't know I exist. Out of the people that know I exist, 99.9% don't even CARE if I lose 2lbs/month or not. Out of the less than a handful of people that do care if I'm struggling with the weight loss, 99.9% of them will feel any sort of disappointment in me if I don't make these goals.
That leaves one person that does feel disappointment in my weight.. my dad! And he still loves me anyway! So why do I get all worked up about it?
I don't know. I just want my thighs& calves to be smaller! ugh! I'll keep a pot belly! You can corset that! I don't care! XD I just don't want 30 inch thighs at size 12! It's not right! It's not natural! LOL
Anyway.. I kind of slog through this stuff in my mind throughout the day.. even at the grocery store! So imagine my surprise when someone came up to talk to me the last time I was there. She was an older lady looking for some strange healfood type ingredients like hemp husks and chia seeds. I helped her find what I could, even though I couldnt' really understand WTF the hemp husks were for. (we never found them)
I thought maybe she was cooking for someone with special dietary needs like a gluten intolerance or something. It turns out she was just on one of those doctor-TV show benders where they suggest all sorts of crazy crap to add into your diet. Ever since allergy season started, she said she was feeling crummy and getting sick all the time and wanted to change how she was eating to feel better.
More surprising was that she cared what I had to say about that stuff! I told her that if she wanted to give it a shot, she could, but I think those special supplements are kind of a cash grab. You don't HAVE to eat chia seeds and hemp to be healthy. You can be healthy without them! She wasn't even sure what they were for or what to do with them. Since we couldn't find the hemp husks, she felt totally ok giving up on those. I told her about all the crazy things you could do with chia seeds like shakes, adding them to things to be gooey, bulking up meals, etc.
Ultimately, she ended up coming to the same conclusion I did. Chia seeds are silly and not really worth the calories. lol
Talking about all the things I learned about food over the past two years was really inspiring in a way, though. You could say that she sparked me. A little. Of course, I went home and a few hours later went back to feeling totally demotivated about food... :P BUT! I'm still not bringing chocolate/candy/etc into the house. I'm eating a lot of fruit. I'm just eating too much in between meals.
She also mentioned that my skin looks great, and I thought about other NSV type things from learning to eat better. Not feeling flu-ish and gross is one. Apparently my skin looks great! That's another!
And really, I'm sure there are a lot more.
Anyway, this went on longer than planned, and I need to get on the bike!
Since going off low-carb, my overall burns on the bike are much higher. I almost hit my record yesterday, and I haven't come close to beating my record calories burned in like 6 months. I need to get back into more strength training. I loved how I felt when I was working on my arm& back muscles, even when you couldn't see a lot of the progress there due to loose skin& underarm droopage. Today would be a good day for weights, but I kind of really want to do the bike. If that sounds weird, it is :P
I also found a TON of fitness DVDs free to stream on Amazon Prime. There's a bunch of Jillian Michaels stuff on there. I think she's a little obnoxious, but I kind of want to try one. I have to weed through them, though, because they have things on there like the kettlebell workout, and I don't have one of those. I'm sure she has something that doesn't require any equipment or maybe bands or whatever that I can try, though. As long as we're working out together and she isn't body shaming me or putting me down for 30 min, we good!
BTW- I really really really hate the new feed. The underscore on blogs is very light, and I have the feeling that I've missed a TON of new blogs because I can't tell the difference between a blog update and a status update. I'm trying, but remind me if there's a blog you want me to comment on and I haven't yet! I'm not ignoring you guys, I just can't read the dumb new feed! It feels like... it's bugged and not loading properly and your internet connection is slow and you need to try reloading to see if it'll show up right. You know that feeling? It feels really incomplete and buggy. If that's the way it's SUPPOSED to look, then I'm sorry. That's just not good web design. IMO, it was fine before, but if they wanted to change it, they really needed to keep the basics of simplicity yet readability, yo.
Anyway, time to refill my water, get my fiber gummies and multivitamin pill, have a claratin, and get spinning!
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