Monday, September 01, 2014
Do you remember the game of Shoots and Ladders? When I was a young child, I remember playing it often.
In the beginning of the game, it's all about taking small steps forward, climbing a few steps upward, hitting road blocks, falling down, getting back up and re-trying to get to your goal. The longer you stay in the game, the harder the obstacles become, the climb is steeper, and the "shoots" sometimes take you back to the beginning.
The higher you climb, the lighter you feel, the more euphoric you become at reaching your goal.
This game is just like my weight journey...
Something comes along and clogs up the works, I lose my focus and tumble downward again and the struggle with myself starts all over again.
Feelings of being a failure, hearing the ghost of my mother telling me I will never succeed - is just under the surface (she never stays buried).
The last month, my depression keeps dragging me downward and further in despair. I've lost my spark...
Last night I was watching an over-weight reality show from A&E - called HEAVY. I had a light-bulb moment....
My newest addiction and enabler is Assisted Living. Whenever I find something too hard, I hit the "easy button" (the call light) and someone else takes care of my problem. I have chosen to eliminate the challenge, by allowing them to do something for me - because I've gotten too lazy!
I have lost my desire to CARE.
So, it's time for some honesty. When I arrived at Assisted Living....
1. I was recovering from pneumonia
2. Needed to learn to transfer from my wheelchair to a toilet
3. Needed to find wheelchair accessible housing - as my split-entry home is a hazard
I accomplished the first two tasks by Feb 8, 2013....so WHY am I still here?
The grief of losing Wayne (April 2013) and the depression that followed has been gradually getting worse.
The thought of moving forward -- ALONE - scares the crap out of me.
So, what happened to that strong person inside? I think she is still there - she just needs a HUGE kick in the butt!!!
As long as we are on an honesty kick - beyond the pneumonia, how did I feel when I arrived here?
I was down 82# from my high-point, I had increased energy, I smiled more, I laughed and being told I would be in a wheelchair from now on didn't faze me. My challenge is not the chair, my challenge is getting others to recognize that I am still the same person!!
Everyone around me has stopped looking at ME - all they see is my chair and immediately supply sympathy.
PLEASE tell me I can't do something and that evil person inside smiles wickedly and proves you wrong.
Last night's program lit a spark that I'm hoping to turn into a flame.... and like a good friend of mine told me. I need to "GET MY MAD ON" so I can move forward!!!
Time to turn some of those dreams into reality...
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go.
Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal.
Change is never easy.
We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Many of us have different types of challenges that tend to clog up our lives ~ emotions, physical, health related, mind-games, etc. How we cope with them can greatly change how we feel about ourselves.
Are you the type that meets these challenges head on? Do you succumb to the emotions and eat through it? Or do you listen to all the negativity and fill yourself full of self-doubt?
I have experienced all these and more!
I grew up in a 'controlling negative atmosphere' and when my parents died in Nov 2011, for the first time in 59 years ~ I was struggling to out-stretch my wings and soar skyward. Their legacy they left me was filled with self-doubt, low self-confidence and low self-worth.
For the first time in my life I was NOT totally surrounded by - "no you can't". The whole year of 2012 was filled with adventure, discovery and building up what had been broken down too many times. I made my own choices, began doing things for ME and the magic began to take place.
We all have that common bond ~ we are here to lose weight. To find that skinny person that lives within us. But for me, it goes WAY beyond that ~ it's much more than just re-learning to eat proper serving sizes and consume nutritionally sound foods.
One of my biggest discoveries was admitting that I am (was) an 'emotional over-eater'. Just saying it OUT LOUD helped to release years of crap from my life. Finding an alternative to "eating through my emotions" has been the challenge ~ but it CAN be accomplished. And now it doesn't seem so daunting anymore ~ all I did was reach out to others. I started to TALK through my emotions - instead of eating them.
Crutches kept me upright for 7 years and by Nov 2012 I was faced with "re-learning to walk or find an alternative". From Nov 2012 through January 2013, Occupational and Physical therapy took up a huge portion of my day. I was never able to consistently stand or walk.
Forty years of Osteo-arthritis had finally taken it's toll, my knee joints could no longer keep me upright. Every time I tried to stand, within 2 minutes - my knees would buckle.
Lymphedema is one of my health challenges ~ a protein based fluid gets into my legs but cannot be re-absorbed through the blood stream and lays stagnant in my legs. In March, I learned that due to the severity of my Lymphedema, I will NEVER have knee replacements.
To tell you the truth ~ when the Orthopaedic surgeon gave me this news ~ It was a RELIEF! I know that my body does not heal like a normal person! Accepting this news was easy, but finding a comfortable chair to fit me has proved more challenging.
In April, loosing Wayne really knocked the wind out of me. Whatever challenges I had, we were able to face together and now re-learning to 'go it alone' has turned too many emotions back on.
When I'm wearing my "big girl panties" I CAN handle anything - it just takes me a bit longer. I AM still the same person I was before all these challenges surrounded my life.
But when I'm experiencing a "pity party" ~ holy crap, all the negativity that continues to surround me today, gets blown out of proportion. I start believing all those people that tell me I can't do something because I'm in a wheelchair. Emotions have been running rampant - I have shut down, succumbed to the negativity, go with the flow and stopped caring.
Thoughts of moving out of this facility - that I HATE - I started thinking that maybe everyone is right? It really is easier to have someone else do everything for me.
When I stopped caring about ME....
* the 100# I lost during 2012 started reappearing.
* my smile quit showing up.
* my positive personality went into hiding.
* I cried more.
* I with-drew into my room.
* my sewing machine became covered in dust.
* I began sleeping all the time.
* exercise became a thing of the past.
Then one day, the 'organized person within' came to the surface. I was organizing my spending, when right there in black & white it hit me like a ton of bricks! I have spent over $20,000 for my surroundings and I continue to NOT request any assistance. I MUST BE STUPID!!
Slowly the transformation is taking place ~ Life and Living is replacing that negative list into positive thought and action.
The FEAR of moving and living on my own (again) is starting to break down. Admitting that I AM stronger than I think I am - is what I'm dealing with now.
Once I deal with those FEARS ~ I will once again be able to open those wings and soar skyward!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
A year ago, our beloved Buck was laid to rest. Then 10 months later, Wayne was reunited with him. I miss both "my guys", but am comforted to know that they are back together again. In that field of green that I often dream about!
A DOG LOVER's PRAYER
My prayer book's unconventional,
An album scarred with age,
The dogs who shared their lives with mine
Stand out on every page.
Though some folks picture Heaven's gates
Atop a golden stair,
The precious photos in my book
Inspire this humble prayer:
Lord, lead me to a sun-washed field,
Then send them one by one;
Let yelps of joy lead wagging tails
As to my arms they run.
This Heaven that I pray for, Lord,
Where lilacs scent the air,
Is blessed with all the dogs I've loved
Who come to greet me there.
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