QUOOTIE   30,125
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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Recently I had an epiphany, again.

Just about everyday I wake up and say today is the day that I will be successful, today I won't blow off exercise, I won't over indulge, I keep in the forefront of my mind, what I am working toward and go full steam ahead. Everyday of my life I fail, a little, but I fail. Maybe I am too tired to walk 5 km, maybe is too cold to go outside, maybe I eat too much, maybe I forget to be grateful, or failed. to be kind, or whatever , I feel I failed.

This is where the epiphany comes in to play....EVERYDAY I WAKE UP AND SAY TODAY IS THE DAY. I don't say tomorrow or next week or I'll start Monday. EVERYDAY I SAY ITS TODAY. So even though I slip up I haven't given up and that is the big deal. People will tell you everyone can do it, and I believe they are right, but people don't do everything the same way in the same amount of time.

I have changed many things about myself. I am more confident. I am more open to trying new things, even exercise things. I eat too much some days, but I am working on it and I certainly eat different things than I used to. I never think my health doesn't matter anymore, I never think I don't matter anymore. Everyday I think TODAY IS THE DAY and everyday it is.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAWAVE 4/8/2014 11:50PM

    Yes, this absolutely! As long as you keep trying, you're winning! Don't dwell on your "failures" -- look at everything you are doing! Remember, you're in this for the long haul, not just for an overnight sensation.

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JAYDEE1211 3/21/2014 3:53PM

    Loved your sentiments! Today is where it is at. You are moving forward in so many ways. Take care.

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CAKEMAKERMOM 3/21/2014 12:40PM

    Every day is a new day with new opportunities. No one is perfect, it's how we get through the little failures that makes us strong. Keep on aiming every day!

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JUSGETTENBY42 3/20/2014 12:51PM


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Oh me, Oh my.....

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Life is funny. Just when you think you have it all figured out something happens and changes everything. Then you are right back where you started, trying to figure things out. At least that is what happens to me.
I get frustrated with myself a lot lately. I know what to do. I have made great strides with my confidence, self esteem and self acceptance. I have in many ways changed my life. Still old habits, behaviors and thoughts creep in. Every day I think "this is the day" and somehow its not.
I recently started a new medication. Side effect is fatigue and cold hands and feet. I can live without this medication, but my chest is so tight and my heart is so irregular that it scares me. so I have to find some methods to combat the side effects hmmmm
I will have to guard against using this medication as an excuse to not do things. Lots of people take it and manage just fine.
I will have to set a minimum daily acceptable activity level and build on that.
I will have to be more careful about what I eat and begin to measure my portions again.
I will have to keep a check on how much I am sleeping and practice good sleep hygiene in order to not over sleep or deprive my self of sleep.
I will manage my mood with good self care, social interactions, vitamin D, sun lamp and meditation and yoga.
I will limit my caffeine intake and get hydration from a variety of source mostly water, limiting alcohol and abstaining from soda
I will record my activities and diet and perform weekly checks
I will not weigh myself until New year--my goal to regain what ever ground I have lost and hold my loss for 2013 at 18 lbs.
I will challenge any feeling of failure and despair.
I will remember my end game and enjoy the journey

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAYDEE1211 10/26/2013 11:42PM

    So great to hear from you! We all have to regroup every now and then. You may find your new medication will help you focus on looking after yourself. Best wishes and I am sure you will make some inroads by the beginning of 2014.

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DAUSTIN16 10/26/2013 4:57PM

    You can do this. Have faith in yourself and your strength! I really sucks when medication throws up roadblocks that we have to work our way around, but it can be done. Maybe talk to your doctor about a different dosage or even a different med that still helps with the problem but had less side effects. Above all else, keep connected to those who love and support you. And track!!! I have been finding that it is really keeping me motivated to stay within my goal framework.

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Self pity and its destructive power

Monday, August 05, 2013

I feel sad. And helpless. I don't like feeling helpless, even more than I don't like feeling sad. When I feel helpless I seek comfort, and because I want immediate comfort I eat, I feel good for about one tenth of one second and then I feel angry with myself and sad and helpless and on and on and on we go. Wallowing in self pity serves no good!

I was doing really well-keeping myself busy and positive, eating well, exercising managing my mood and then POOF something happened and it knocked me right back down.

So what happened?? In the grand scheme of the world, nothing too major, I guess. One of my children really really disappointed me. I think to please her father, I don't know, it doesn't matter. She "wasted" my time and money and rejected our project (refinishing furniture for her appt) in favor of some brand new stuff from her dad. I get it, in a way, she is young and its all new and from a trendy place and no work involved. It is not just that she missing out on having something that is uniquely her own that she loves and worked to make, it is not even that she could so easily abandon the closeness we developed working on the project together that upsets me. Really its the casual disregard for my values, time, love that has me upset. If you were to ask her she would tell you its just a table, and everything is not all about me. Just a table, so it is, the item isn't the point.

I know why I am sad, I just don't know what to do about it. I can't tell you why this one incident has me so sad and struggling so hard. Perhaps it has to do with my own insecurities and inadequacies as a parent, jealousy that I haven't the funds her father has so I can't buy her everything, jealousy that she is spending more time with him than with me. I really struggle with my relationship with my own mother and my greatest fear is that my daughters could feel the same way toward me, I have to guard my behaviour as to not make this a self fulfilling prophecy. I really need to let this go and get on with things, I KNOW THAT, just trying to work out how I will do that.

Now more than ever I need move more and eat right. This is a sure fire way out of wallowing in self pity.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAYDEE1211 8/6/2013 4:13PM

    Thinking of you. emoticon

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GARDENQE2 8/5/2013 6:29PM

    Sorry you are having such a rough time!

Families change.

Children change.
Some grow up and become persons that give you joy.
Some grow up and become even harder to love. (I've got one of each!)

The only constant is you, YOURSELF.
Treat yourself like a best friend should be treated.
Strive to be self-satisfied and self-centered, and self-involved. These aren't vices, these are survival tactics. Be a complete person for yourself, then give your spare time to your children.
Love yourself today!

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DIANE7786 8/5/2013 5:41PM

    emoticon I know the joy of creating things. Many people ask why i don't just buy it! It's just personal preference. Your daughter's mistake was letting you buy materials when she hoped her dad would buy her new trendy furniture. You didn't waste money or time because you enjoy refinishing furniture and you enjoyed spending time with your daughter. Finish the project because you enjoy doing it. If you don't have a place for it in your home, donate it to charity. Someone will love it for many years.

It might help if you talk with a counselor or minister about your insecurities. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It's not about money, especially now that many people are simplifying their lives. Get involved in a couple groups so you spend time with people. Find something you are passionate about. My husband says healthy living is one of my hobbies!

Comment edited on: 8/5/2013 5:43:15 PM

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STONECOT 8/5/2013 5:16PM

    Try to see it as a rejection of a piece of furniture, it is NOT a rejection of you. She is young and heedless, and like most young ones has not got the maturity to see past the surface of things, or to see that she may have hurt your feelings.

She will grow up in time! All this of course is easy to say.

Is it possible for you to build part of your life away from your daughters, so that they are not so great a part of your happiness? I found that as my two left home and moved away, I became a less important part of their lives, and I needed to make a separate life for me, or risk being constantly hurt and disappointed.

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CAKEMAKERMOM 8/5/2013 2:34PM

    Did you enjoy your time together? As long as you enjoyed the time you spent, is wasn't wasted. So she went a different direction in the end, she did get together with you and work on the project.

There are many people who would rather blame each other and never spend the time to get to know each other, I know, we have one like that...

I hope you find a different way to get through these thoughts than food. Food will only provide happiness in the moment, not after it's done.

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Blurring the blues and getting ready to celebrate CELEBRATE 100 days Spark streak!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Today was my 97 day logging into spark. No big deal. Just in all the years on and off Spark people I have never done that before. I am inspired. I am proud. I am fixing to celebrate. I am going to do a weigh in, even though I had no plans to weigh in before the end of the month. I am going to measure the inches, even though I hate that. I am going to accept, with grace, the numbers, what ever they are and cheerfully and thoughtfully and mindfully move forward with a positive attitude. I expect that I won't be super thrilled with what I see--after all the scale is not going to tell me that I am 100 lbs lighter in 100 days, it is not going to tell me that I am young again, it is not going to tell me that I am as fit as a fiddle, worry or care free. It will tell me the sum of my parts at that particular time on that particular day, and what I make of that is up to me.

Maybe to you that doesn't sound like much of a celebration--no fireworks, no candy, no parade, no clown, no cake no WOW. Let me tell you what is WOW. So WOW that it in fact overwhelms me and the need for any grand gestures. Most of the 97 days I have logged in I have been HAPPY. Yes-no big deal you think--well maybe not for you, but for me its huge. I have always been cheerful, but not necessarily happy and my self esteem and confidence really did stink. Too scared to leave the house, to scared to make eye contact, afterall I had let myself get to be a middle aged fat woman--the least desirable of all categories of women, worse that demented old woman if only because I am fat. Fat! Fat. FAAAAAATTTT! I can tell you in exhaustive detail all my failures and short comings. How miserable I felt in a bad marriage, my fault because I was fat, how tough its been to struggle financially, also because I am fat, how difficult it is to meet people , because I am fat, struggling with a job I don't like, because I am fat, how I cheated myself out of a life because I was so ashamed because I was so fat and ugly. All this time I have been wallowing in self pity, blaming all my failures and regrets on the fact that I am fat, and thusly I have been sitting in doors at home getting fatter and more miserable. Then I began my streak.....
I set out some goals. I blogged about my confidence issues. I posted pics of myself. I took a look at my fears and shame and blame. Sometimes I faltered in the diet and the exercise but I LOGGED IN. And I have changed. A bit. I have a way to go yet.

I realize that I was making a choice. Sometimes I was choosing to be miserable. I didn't have to. I blamed my weight for a lot of problems but my weight was not to blame. My husband blamed my weight for a lot of our problems and I let him but my weight was not the problem. I chose to take on all the blame and responsibility for those things that were not right, and then I decided it was my fault because of my weight. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I am just a regular person, who is somewhat over weight. It was easy to blame something like my weight for my issues rather to confront the real problems and deal with them. I can not undo the past, I can't re do things to make up for what I missed out on, through choice and in activity, but I can I CAN move forward. Challenging myself and my fears, greeting each day with cheerful hope instead of dismay. I made some mistakes, OOPS, so do we all. I forgive myself, I forgive everyone and everything. I am not going to hold on to the past I need my hands free to embrace the future.

See that is how I feel now. Most days. That my friends is worth celebrating.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIZE8NOTSOMUCH 7/16/2013 11:42AM

    Wow, I felt the icky pouring out of you, but I also saw that you are in the healing phase. I am so proud of you. YOU are an amazing woman. There is NOTHING you can't do. You put one foot in front of the other, you realize what happened in the past IS THE PAST. Our past does not define our future. You can do anything you want. And you have the drive and the spirit to do that!
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Q you can do ANYTHING!!

Talk soon,

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CATHYG7 7/15/2013 5:53PM

    You are amazing my friend and I believe in you! We are going through this together good times or bad, but stronger and better for sure! Hugs, Cathy

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CICI510 7/15/2013 4:13PM

    I was just thinking today about how life is all about choices. Just what I needed to read today! I am SO proud of you!

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CAKEMAKERMOM 7/14/2013 6:41PM

    Every day you log in, you are making the choice to make your outside look like your inside already is. I'm glad you're happy more than you're upset/sad/angry.

You can only go forward from here and be better today than you were yesterday.

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JAYDEE1211 7/13/2013 11:40PM

    Well said and I certainly understand what you mean. What is it with our society that being overweight makes you a pariah? My ex-husband left me because I was too fat so apparently fat is my only defining characteristic.
We CAN move forward and choose health and happiness and face our fears. I look forward to watching your Sparkstreaks continue to rise.

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CIRANDELLA 7/13/2013 11:26AM

    emoticon to you! emoticon

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Personal struggles with lifestyle changes

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Its true, when things get tough a person just wants to fall backinto old habits. It really is easier to do what you have always done, they way you have always done it. This is what has got me into trouble in the first place. I am struggling with time management and fitting in everything that I must and everything that I want. Something has to fall by the way side--why do I usually chose my health?

This is the issue I am struggling with. I have fought this battle many times and many times I have failed. Because always I fall back on old habits when things get rough. I, at least, recognise the path I am going down, which is different that usual. And instead of saying to myself "oh forget about it, you can start again when you have more time" I am saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WORKED SO HARD AND NOW YOU ARE JUST STOPPING BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED?" Yes I am actually yelling at myself in my head.

So to summarize, I have in the last 75 days lost 20 lbs, I am so proud, but in the last 20 days or so I find myself faltering and backsliding a bit. I know what I need to do but haven't a clue how to get back on track. I still eat better, but things have been creeping back in, I still move more, but I have more excuses. I wonder if there is some sort of psychological block going on.....

In the meantime I will have to keep logging in to spark people and collecting my points, I will have to re commit to exercising at least 90 mins per week, since last week broke my streak, and breaking my streak nearly broke my heart. I will have to take my own advice, forgive myself and keep my nose to the grindstone. . . . .

I cannot be the only person who has lost some "spark" I will NOT admit defeat at this time. NOPE. I will admit that I need help

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAYDEE1211 6/26/2013 7:41AM

    Very tricky indeed. We know what we need to do but life gets in the way. Tracking food and fitness helps to accept what is, which in turn gives us the power to make changes. I'm really not sure why it helps. Maybe it is because we spend so much time hating our failures and telling ourselves off that we sabotage the positives. So when we accept what is, we have the strength to move forward without the negative self talk. Keep at it, my friend.

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TLG71567 6/25/2013 6:37PM

    I know what you mean. I was struggling too. I decided to join the Boot Camp challenge and that has helped me to recommit. Get yourself back on track. emoticon

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INSPIRATIONAL3 6/25/2013 5:30PM

    IF YOUR TIRED OF STARTING OVER STOP GIVING UP.... Forgive yourself and just start where you left off when you were doing well.

My hint to you more than the points for one week write everything down that you are putting in your mouth and I think you will come to a place where you will see the reality of what you are doing to yourself.....do this before all the weight goes on again since you will feel worse.

Remember if you track and really look at the food you eat you can start working with some facts to make adjustments here and there. Maybe you lost that weight with the DIET mentality and really what you want is a permanent change which involves a lifestyle change but that takes a little work on your part and its all worth it.

When you are tracking the week also consider planning your meals ahead and go to the tracker enter the menu in and try to stick to it. The tracker will tell your the calories,fats,carbs, etc. before you even put it into your mouth. If you feel that something your going to eat is too high you can select something else you like.

If you do this for a while your going to find that you will have menus that you love that also love you back thus you lifestyle will change but in a pleasant wonderful way since you are eating what you want. I found that I was eating some things that wer so high in calories when I traded it off I am now eating twice as much and I never complain about that.

Good Luck

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