Saturday, October 26, 2013
Life is funny. Just when you think you have it all figured out something happens and changes everything. Then you are right back where you started, trying to figure things out. At least that is what happens to me.
I get frustrated with myself a lot lately. I know what to do. I have made great strides with my confidence, self esteem and self acceptance. I have in many ways changed my life. Still old habits, behaviors and thoughts creep in. Every day I think "this is the day" and somehow its not.
I recently started a new medication. Side effect is fatigue and cold hands and feet. I can live without this medication, but my chest is so tight and my heart is so irregular that it scares me. so I have to find some methods to combat the side effects hmmmm
I will have to guard against using this medication as an excuse to not do things. Lots of people take it and manage just fine.
I will have to set a minimum daily acceptable activity level and build on that.
I will have to be more careful about what I eat and begin to measure my portions again.
I will have to keep a check on how much I am sleeping and practice good sleep hygiene in order to not over sleep or deprive my self of sleep.
I will manage my mood with good self care, social interactions, vitamin D, sun lamp and meditation and yoga.
I will limit my caffeine intake and get hydration from a variety of source mostly water, limiting alcohol and abstaining from soda
I will record my activities and diet and perform weekly checks
I will not weigh myself until New year--my goal to regain what ever ground I have lost and hold my loss for 2013 at 18 lbs.
I will challenge any feeling of failure and despair.
I will remember my end game and enjoy the journey
Monday, August 05, 2013
I feel sad. And helpless. I don't like feeling helpless, even more than I don't like feeling sad. When I feel helpless I seek comfort, and because I want immediate comfort I eat, I feel good for about one tenth of one second and then I feel angry with myself and sad and helpless and on and on and on we go. Wallowing in self pity serves no good!
I was doing really well-keeping myself busy and positive, eating well, exercising managing my mood and then POOF something happened and it knocked me right back down.
So what happened?? In the grand scheme of the world, nothing too major, I guess. One of my children really really disappointed me. I think to please her father, I don't know, it doesn't matter. She "wasted" my time and money and rejected our project (refinishing furniture for her appt) in favor of some brand new stuff from her dad. I get it, in a way, she is young and its all new and from a trendy place and no work involved. It is not just that she missing out on having something that is uniquely her own that she loves and worked to make, it is not even that she could so easily abandon the closeness we developed working on the project together that upsets me. Really its the casual disregard for my values, time, love that has me upset. If you were to ask her she would tell you its just a table, and everything is not all about me. Just a table, so it is, the item isn't the point.
I know why I am sad, I just don't know what to do about it. I can't tell you why this one incident has me so sad and struggling so hard. Perhaps it has to do with my own insecurities and inadequacies as a parent, jealousy that I haven't the funds her father has so I can't buy her everything, jealousy that she is spending more time with him than with me. I really struggle with my relationship with my own mother and my greatest fear is that my daughters could feel the same way toward me, I have to guard my behaviour as to not make this a self fulfilling prophecy. I really need to let this go and get on with things, I KNOW THAT, just trying to work out how I will do that.
Now more than ever I need move more and eat right. This is a sure fire way out of wallowing in self pity.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Today was my 97 day logging into spark. No big deal. Just in all the years on and off Spark people I have never done that before. I am inspired. I am proud. I am fixing to celebrate. I am going to do a weigh in, even though I had no plans to weigh in before the end of the month. I am going to measure the inches, even though I hate that. I am going to accept, with grace, the numbers, what ever they are and cheerfully and thoughtfully and mindfully move forward with a positive attitude. I expect that I won't be super thrilled with what I see--after all the scale is not going to tell me that I am 100 lbs lighter in 100 days, it is not going to tell me that I am young again, it is not going to tell me that I am as fit as a fiddle, worry or care free. It will tell me the sum of my parts at that particular time on that particular day, and what I make of that is up to me.
Maybe to you that doesn't sound like much of a celebration--no fireworks, no candy, no parade, no clown, no cake no WOW. Let me tell you what is WOW. So WOW that it in fact overwhelms me and the need for any grand gestures. Most of the 97 days I have logged in I have been HAPPY. Yes-no big deal you think--well maybe not for you, but for me its huge. I have always been cheerful, but not necessarily happy and my self esteem and confidence really did stink. Too scared to leave the house, to scared to make eye contact, afterall I had let myself get to be a middle aged fat woman--the least desirable of all categories of women, worse that demented old woman if only because I am fat. Fat! Fat. FAAAAAATTTT! I can tell you in exhaustive detail all my failures and short comings. How miserable I felt in a bad marriage, my fault because I was fat, how tough its been to struggle financially, also because I am fat, how difficult it is to meet people , because I am fat, struggling with a job I don't like, because I am fat, how I cheated myself out of a life because I was so ashamed because I was so fat and ugly. All this time I have been wallowing in self pity, blaming all my failures and regrets on the fact that I am fat, and thusly I have been sitting in doors at home getting fatter and more miserable. Then I began my streak.....
I set out some goals. I blogged about my confidence issues. I posted pics of myself. I took a look at my fears and shame and blame. Sometimes I faltered in the diet and the exercise but I LOGGED IN. And I have changed. A bit. I have a way to go yet.
I realize that I was making a choice. Sometimes I was choosing to be miserable. I didn't have to. I blamed my weight for a lot of problems but my weight was not to blame. My husband blamed my weight for a lot of our problems and I let him but my weight was not the problem. I chose to take on all the blame and responsibility for those things that were not right, and then I decided it was my fault because of my weight. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
I am just a regular person, who is somewhat over weight. It was easy to blame something like my weight for my issues rather to confront the real problems and deal with them. I can not undo the past, I can't re do things to make up for what I missed out on, through choice and in activity, but I can I CAN move forward. Challenging myself and my fears, greeting each day with cheerful hope instead of dismay. I made some mistakes, OOPS, so do we all. I forgive myself, I forgive everyone and everything. I am not going to hold on to the past I need my hands free to embrace the future.
See that is how I feel now. Most days. That my friends is worth celebrating.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Its true, when things get tough a person just wants to fall backinto old habits. It really is easier to do what you have always done, they way you have always done it. This is what has got me into trouble in the first place. I am struggling with time management and fitting in everything that I must and everything that I want. Something has to fall by the way side--why do I usually chose my health?
This is the issue I am struggling with. I have fought this battle many times and many times I have failed. Because always I fall back on old habits when things get rough. I, at least, recognise the path I am going down, which is different that usual. And instead of saying to myself "oh forget about it, you can start again when you have more time" I am saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WORKED SO HARD AND NOW YOU ARE JUST STOPPING BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED?" Yes I am actually yelling at myself in my head.
So to summarize, I have in the last 75 days lost 20 lbs, I am so proud, but in the last 20 days or so I find myself faltering and backsliding a bit. I know what I need to do but haven't a clue how to get back on track. I still eat better, but things have been creeping back in, I still move more, but I have more excuses. I wonder if there is some sort of psychological block going on.....
In the meantime I will have to keep logging in to spark people and collecting my points, I will have to re commit to exercising at least 90 mins per week, since last week broke my streak, and breaking my streak nearly broke my heart. I will have to take my own advice, forgive myself and keep my nose to the grindstone. . . . .
I cannot be the only person who has lost some "spark" I will NOT admit defeat at this time. NOPE. I will admit that I need help
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Don't let anyone tell you that small successes aren't a big deal, or that the "baby steps" you are taking on your journey do not amount to much. Nay sayers are toxic, they add negative energy to a situation, they take the positive energy you have created and feed off of it and leave in its place a big pile of poop. they will tell you that they are only trying to help. THEY ARE NOT. They may minimize your success with super stories about themselves. If someone is stealing your thunder or doing something to make you feel bad about yourself then YOU need to do something about it right away.
If you are the naysayer, the negative person that is stealing your thunder and making you feel bad about yourself then STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Some people get from point A to point B with no effort and what appears to be very little worry. Good for them. Some people take a longer and more scenic route but get there eventually. Good for them.
Do not measure yourself against others. Learn from them, admire them, cheer them on, but remember that they are not you. There really is no one clear path to do anything or to get anywhere. Basically it is just nose to the grindstone and keep going. Do your best! Celebrate your victories each one of them is a great big deal. If it is walking 10 min a day or giving up soda, or counting calories, it doesn't matter, if it is a positive change then it is a victory. Use the positives to build more positives. Sure great efforts and force bring about change, but think of a stone erroded to nothing over time by the steady force of water falling drop by drop.
Be who you are, define your own terms, take control of your own life.
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