Saturday, May 25, 2013
The year 2013 has, so far, been a series of "firsts" for me since my husband passed away in February. The first Valentine's Day and St Patrick's Day alone. The first Spring, and the first Easter without him to share it with. Our Anniversary was May 14th (36 years) and May 24th was his birthday (he would have been 69), both spent without him. Although I go through the motions, and do and say all the right things, these firsts are sometimes so unbearable, I think I am going to explode! I do not know who I am without him. I wonder - when will I be able to stand alone, or feel whole again? I am told, and logically I know, that I have to let myself grieve, and let my faith carry me through each day as it comes - but I'll tell you, those "firsts" are a killer!
My profile says I have been a member of SparkPeople since 2009, but the fact is, that was just the year I joined, only to abandon it weeks later. Losing weight is so hard. I cannot honestly say I know how it is to live a healthy lifestyle – and both scares me to death. I am plagued with the fear of failing once again and wish with all my heart that I had Charlie here to help me - he was my biggest cheerleader!
Thankfully, SparkPeople came at a time when I needed some control over the changes in my life - to make my own "firsts" if you will. The first time to find a diet I can live with, the first time to feel in control of my eating, the first time to lose weight and keep it off. These are "firsts" I can live with. I thank God for directing me once again to this site. I know this is not a miracle cure, and that it is going to take hard work - because it is hard!
I have lost 19 pounds to date. I have not gotten to a place where I can say I have made a permanent lifestyle change, but I know that this is the direction I want to go in and that for right now I am going to push forward until I reach my goal. So...today I choose to have a better day – it is after all, the first day of the rest of my life. (did I really just say that?) Thank you SparkPeople for being there just at the right time!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Have you ever had a song pop into your head out of the blue? It gets stuck there and you just can't seem to shake it. It just keeps going around and around in your head until it makes your mind begin to wander...
Unfortunately this is when past mistakes, past hurts, past anxieties and fears manage to come to the forefront! The triggers are ever so slight, but very effective.
I had a lapse in time today. I couldn't shake the song in my head and then it got me thinking. Except my thoughts were all over the place and I was in danger of going to that dark place that always seemed to engulf me. Only this time it was different. I refused to give into it. A prayer, a determination and an email from a friend, made me realize the importance of friendships and the encouragement they bring, the love and support of family, AND the strength I get from a God who loves me unconditionally. I didn't concentrate so much on the past in terms of setbacks but as as a catalyst to a better future. Wisdom is a wonderful thing. It helps you make better choices and keeps you safe. What have I learned from my past? And how can I apply it now? Wishing I knew then what I know now doesn't help much unless I actually begin to use what I've learned in the here and now.
All these wandering thoughts eventually started me thinking about what I was trying to achieve today, this week and the weeks to come. I have, at my fingertips, the tools and the support I need to succeed right here on this website, with my family and with Christ, through whom I can do all things - Philippians 4:13
I always thought of life as a trampoline - the harder you hit the higher you go! Maybe that's why the song kept swirling in my head causing me to hum through my exercise routine and while I went about my day today. The song? Jump rope by Blue October - here are just a few lines to get you humming too. Good luck to all of us in this journey!
Jump Rope by Blue October
Remember how you used to say
"you couldn't wait till tomorrow for a brand new day"
No fuss when ya had to ride the bus
You could add a little blush
Just to paralyze your school crush
Now your older and the weight upon your shoulder
Makes the world a little colder
No more hidin in the old days
Don't give up hope
It will get hard
Cause life's like a jump rope
Up down when it gets hard remember life's like a jump rope
I want to tell you that everything will be okay
That everything will eventually turn itself to gold
Keep pushin through it all
Don't follow, lead the way
Don't lose yourself or your hope
Remember life's like a jump rope
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Yesterday was hard for me, although I was able to stay as close to my calorie range as possible, I was away from home and on the road all day and home very late. That meant three meals out. But...I am completely back on track which is a first for me!!! I am not following the menu exactly as it is given, but keeping the foods and calorie counts very similar. I think what is working the best for me is that I have a Spark Friend that is allowing me to be accountable to her. The extra encouragement really makes a difference.
I do have very strong family support ( they want to keep me around for a long time) but it somehow helps even more when you are getting support from someone who does not have an agenda if that makes sense?
I wish I had done this when I was younger, but what's past is past! I am looking forward to a brighter future.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
There are so many things that have happened over the past few months that I have had no control over whatsoever! The loss of my home and the sense of independence it brought, the love and familiarity of friends when we moved from Vermont to Rhode Island, and then the loss of my husband of 36 years to lung cancer.
I never did have control over my weight in the past. It (control) always seemed to be that elusive butterfly meant to be in someone else's garden! This time however, I am going to take control. I am going to lose the weight and keep it off. I have to. I need to have control of something in my life! But I cannot do it alone and that is why I am here. Hopefully with the help of others I will succeed this time - and take control!
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