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I've got it made.....and that's the problem

Friday, March 21, 2014

I think I have the privacy settings correct so team members will see this blog. I am reposting my first blog entry. Enjoy! and leave comments?

I've got it made-no big worries at all; healthy, bright, fun children; husband who adores his family; we live in a beautiful place; financially secure; adorable poodle. The problem: I don't even recognize myself. Sure I'm overweight and that changes one's appearance, but my identity crisis isn't fueled by a disappointing appearance.

I grew up believing I could do and be ANYTHING. My parents told me my value, emphasized my strengths, they raised me to respect myself and respect my capabilities. My father brought up four children by himself after divorcing my mother in 1980. I was five. I struggled in elementary school with reading, dyslexia, and what we could call "self-esteem" today. That all shifted dramatically in junior high and by high school I was an honor student, artist, cheerleader, as a sophomore I dated the president of the senior class. Cinderella had nothing on me.

I went on to college and majored in Fine Art. College was paradise! I worked in art studios for hours each day. I was a skilled wood worker, welder, potter, sculptor, painter....I was a busy working artist. This was when I knew and loved myself best. I loved who I was, I loved my art, I loved how I looked. I knew myself, I had direction; I worked hard. Naturally, I fell in love and married Mr. Right. He was Christian, had a career in the Coast Guard, was beautiful to look at, came from a loving family. Perfect!

DH is a diligent, hard worker. He is happy and kind and together we are raising three daughters who are remarkably pleasant, somewhat self-disciplined (work in progress), and good friends to their peers. I am proud of these girls!

and.....WHAT'S MY PROBLEM!?!?

Depression was kicked off in 1998 by the suicide of my friend. I met her in third grade and loved her since junior high. We went to the same college. She was my sister in many ways....I was with her when she bought the gun at a pawn shop. It was a Christmas gift for her father. I helped her pick out the clothes she eventually wore in her coffin, in fact, the white blouse she wore was mine. This changed me....of course.

I have also developed some anxiety in the last 10 years. I have difficulty making simple decisions, grocery shopping is nightmarish for me now.

But I kind of think my main "disability" is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am weak where I use to be strong, because my husband is so capable and highly skilled. Before marriage I was self sufficient and rose to challenges, I did my own body work on my college van, I was the wood shop monitor-responsible for changing out blades and trouble shooting machinery. People came to me for help with carpentry, tool malfunctions, design problems. My Prof hired me to help him hang dry wall. So marrying a mechanical engineer, who posses carpentry skills and doesn't have a lazy bone is his body kind of pulled the rug out from under me. It has taken me 15 years to realize this. My "skills" have been washed out by his expertise. When there is a task or project, we used to work together, but really, he knows where the tools are, he buys the supplies, he works quickly and does excellent work. I'm continually impressed by his abilities while mine have atrophied.

Also, the military life can be disabling in a small way. I'm 39 and I have no career to speak of. We relocate every three to four years and with school aged children I am the driver, scheduler, and emergency contact. In the military you don't usually have the extended family/close friends. There is no back up person I can call. All driving is up to me. Every drop off and pick up, appointment, practice, rehearsal, game, activity requires I drive them. I enjoy the time in the car with my children and I am glad I get these little moments with them, but my constant availability to them limits my hope of finding a part time job, not to mention anything full-time.

So that's my story: I am trapped in paradise.

So I need a plan. I am overweight and out of shape. I can change this. I can determine to look better, be more active, and start my scavenger hunt of self discovery right here on SparkPeople. I can track my goals and improve. I can log in for inspiration. I can set goals and focus on the small changes.

I plan to always be married to the same man. It's our plan to dedicate nine more years to the Coast Guard. I'll be the mother of school aged children for ten more years. This means the school days and moments in between taxi rides should be time dedicated to reaching the goal of reinventing myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICA_BORICUA 3/28/2014 12:07PM

  Be strong!

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REBECCAMA 3/22/2014 8:16AM

  Hi! I can see both this blog and your first blog now. Very inspirational to hear that while you struggled in elementary school you did better later on. My daughter is in 2nd grade now and struggling with reading. She wants to be a potter when she grows up. That may change of course but it's nice to read your story. How did your transformation happen from struggling to succeeding?

I know that's not what you want to focus on here, but I'd be interested in that part of your story.

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BRENDA_G50 3/21/2014 2:19PM

    emoticon emoticon to SparkPeople. Glad you're here!!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/21/2014 2:21:10 PM

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I've got it made......and that might be the problem.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I've got it made-no big worries at all; healthy, bright, fun children; husband who adores his family; we live in a beautiful place; financially secure; adorable poodle. The problem: I don't even recognize myself. Sure I'm overweight and that changes one's appearance, but my identity crisis isn't fueled by a disappointing appearance.

I grew up believing I could do and be ANYTHING. My parents told me my value, emphasized my strengths, they raised me to respect myself and respect my capabilities. My father brought up four children by himself after divorcing my mother in 1980. I was five. I struggled in elementary school with reading, dyslexia, and what we could call "self-esteem" today. That all shifted dramatically in junior high and by high school I was an honor student, artist, cheerleader, as a sophomore I dated the president of the senior class. Cinderella had nothing on me.

I went on to college and majored in Fine Art. College was paradise! I worked in art studios for hours each day. I was a skilled wood worker, welder, potter, sculptor, painter....I was a busy working artist. This was when I knew and loved myself best. I loved who I was, I loved my art, I loved how I looked. I knew myself, I had direction; I worked hard. Naturally, I fell in love and married Mr. Right. He was Christian, had a career in the Coast Guard, was beautiful to look at, came from a loving family. Perfect!

DH is a diligent, hard worker. He is happy and kind and together we are raising three daughters who are remarkably pleasant, somewhat self-disciplined (work in progress), and good friends to their peers. I am proud of these girls!

and.....WHAT'S MY PROBLEM!?!?

Depression was kicked off in 1998 by the suicide of my friend. I met her in third grade and loved her since junior high. We went to the same college. She was my sister in many ways....I was with her when she bought the gun at a pawn shop. It was a Christmas gift for her father. I helped her pick out the clothes she eventually wore in her coffin, in fact, the white blouse she wore was mine. This changed me....of course.

I have also developed some anxiety in the last 10 years. I have difficulty making simple decisions, grocery shopping is nightmarish for me now.

But I kind of think my main "disability" is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am weak where I use to be strong, because my husband is so capable and highly skilled. Before marriage I was self sufficient and rose to challenges, I did my own body work on my college van, I was the wood shop monitor-responsible for changing out blades and trouble shooting machinery. People came to me for help with carpentry, tool malfunctions, design problems. My Prof hired me to help him hang dry wall. So marrying a mechanical engineer, who posses carpentry skills and doesn't have a lazy bone is his body kind of pulled the rug out from under me. It has taken me 15 years to realize this. My "skills" have been washed out by his expertise. When there is a task or project, we used to work together, but really, he knows where the tools are, he buys the supplies, he works quickly and does excellent work. I'm continually impressed by his abilities while mine have atrophied.

Also, the military life can be disabling in a small way. I'm 39 and I have no career to speak of. We relocate every three to four years and with school aged children I am the driver, scheduler, and emergency contact. In the military you don't usually have the extended family/close friends. There is no back up person I can call. All driving is up to me. Every drop off and pick up, appointment, practice, rehearsal, game, activity requires I drive them. I enjoy the time in the car with my children and I am glad I get these little moments with them, but my constant availability to them limits my hope of finding a part time job, not to mention anything full-time.

So that's my story: I am trapped in paradise.

So I need a plan. I am overweight and out of shape. I can change this. I can determine to look better, be more active, and start my scavenger hunt of self discovery right here on SparkPeople. I can track my goals and improve. I can log in for inspiration. I can set goals and focus on the small changes.

I plan to always be married to the same man. It's our plan to dedicate nine more years to the Coast Guard. I'll be the mother of school aged children for ten more years. This means the school days and moments in between taxi rides should be time dedicated to reaching the goal of reinventing myself.

  


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