Friday, March 07, 2014
I've been exploring internally a lot this past year. WHY am I fat? Do I have hidden emotional issues? Am I an emotional eater? Do I just LOVE the tastes of foods? I have always tended to think that I was a food addict because I love the tastes of foods. Pizza. OMG I could eat pizza every day. Zesty meals. I don't do bland. I don't like just eating one food alone. I have to have a variety.
I don't really know where I am going with this yet, I guess that is why when I blog I mostly just try and stay accountable for that I have done and try and talk myself into doing more to achieve my goals. So far I haven't really found a solution as to WHY it is all as it is, and has been for years...a lifetime.
The other day at work, and I think this is another reason my weight loss slowed down about the time I got my job, was I was walking past the managers office to go into the break room and the manager just caught a glimpse of me and called out Jennifer. Well my name isn't Jennifer. Jennifer is the name of a lady that works in personel. I have always thought of Jennifer as being a lot bigger than I am.
It kinda was one of those moments that hurts your feelings although you rationalize it away. Yes Im a big girl, no I am not THAT big...but I can see why, yet...you idiot, Im not her, but then again my azz is large...but..ARRGHH. Do you know what I mean?
What I meant when I said that when I got this job my weight loss slowed down was this. Not only was my schedule all screwed up and it was hard to maintain the structure I was used to. I had someone that was bigger than I was. It took the focus off of me being the freak. This is mean I know. I should not be saying these things. This lady is a very nice person and I'd like to reach out to her, but who am I to tell her anything?
In school I was always the biggest girl...or person. Among my friends, the few I had, I was the biggest. I was the freak. I was nice, pretty, funny, smart...yet FAT.
Someone on facebook the other day posted a status...why am I who I am? I ask myself that all of the time. Why did I end up like this? Why don't I have someone else's life? What would I be if I had been thinner? Would I have been more successful? Would I have a better life? Would I have had so many struggles? What if there has been past lives, or lives yet to come? Will I catch a break then? Will I ever truly reach my full potential? WOW. That last question is mind blowing isn't it?