SARAOMG13   12,480
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I'm not saying I gave up... But I gave up.

Friday, February 08, 2013

Ok, so that blog title doesn't exactly explain it, but allow me. As most of you know, I've been working on C25K, and for the most part I was doing really well. Then Week 4 day 1 happened, and I learned something about my body. At 238 pounds on a 5'4 frame, running for that long HURT. Badly. I gave it a go twice. I was able to complete the workout, but I caught myself doing something dangerous: running through pain. Somehow I talked myself into being ok with that for the first workout. When I did it the second time, that common-sense light bulb turned on and I realized that if I kept up this way, I would quit. Nobody likes to feel pain. Especially in your legs while you're running. So I "quit" C25K... for now.

Now this is not to say that I have given up altogether. I've made the decision to focus on getting my weight down to 200lbs and then reboot C25K. I know I can do it mentally. But physically is an entirely different story. Rather than risk injury and putting myself out of the game for god-knows-how-long, I'm looking into some other alternatives.

This week I went for 2 walks with my new puppy. He's still young, so he doesn't last too long, but he makes it. And I felt great! I also ordered DDPYoga, which is changing lives every where, and if you haven't seen the video of Arthur Boorman, you NEED to. He is so inspiring and really makes you take a look at what motivates you. Here is the link to the video on YouTube: I'll update when I start doing the workouts.

So maybe my "give-up" is not so much quitting, but redirecting my goals. I know what I am capable of mentally and physically. I know that I don't want to weigh this much anymore.

So really, I will never, EVER, give up :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETCRYSTAL200 2/17/2013 9:08AM

    Great job! I'm proud of you for not giving up! It's so easy to throw in the towel when things don't happen the way you planned. I went through a similar thing last year and just quit completely and now I'm struggling to get back to where I started 2 years ago. You can and will do this!! emoticon

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SARAOMG13 2/10/2013 9:54AM

    Oh yes, most definitely, Scotmama. Doc told me to trust my body. I've actually been having more success just walking (Down 2.5lbs this week), as crazy as that may seem. It's going to be another beautiful day here in Tulsa, so I'm looking forward to getting out for a walk with my kids and the dog.

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SCOTMAMA 2/9/2013 10:20PM

    I think you did the right thing -- that's why they talk about "baby steps." When you are in the over 200-lb. category I cannot believe running for any distance would be a good thing for your body.

Did you check with your doctor on all this intense exercise? Hope so.

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SARAOMG13 2/9/2013 7:52AM

    Thanks everyone for the kind words. Sometimes it feels like quitting doing the right thing, but I feel pretty confident in my decision :)

I will definitely blog about it once I get started on DDPYoga. I'm stalking my mailman for the package today!!!

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ARW715 2/8/2013 6:37PM

    You did the right thing. Any time you listen to your body and make a decision in its best interest, it is the right thing.

BTW, I started doing yoga in November and I love it. For me, yoga is the best no impact alternative and I get a full body workout. I haven't tried DDP yoga, let us know how you like it.

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MOMTO2HEINZS 2/8/2013 4:04PM

    Wow...I just watched that video. emoticon

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MOMTO2HEINZS 2/8/2013 12:47PM

    I think you are smart for listening to your body and re-focusing. I am sending you positive vibes to help you find another goal to help keep you on track.

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ROSE-LITE 2/8/2013 11:47AM

  you are very wise... good decision to back off and re-evaluate... yup.. and you haven't given up.. just moved on to other avenues! you will get there!!

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TRACYLYNN853 2/8/2013 11:34AM


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BLUENOSE63 2/8/2013 11:32AM

  You haven't given up, but rather, reevaluated your goal. You are correct to get your weight down first prior to doing C25K. Less pressure on your feet. A tip someone gave me "no one ever got hurt by going slow". Perhaps you need to take it down to a very slow pace, build up a base and then try your C25K

Good luck and never ever run through pain! It is your body telling you something important that you need to listen to!

Keep working out, it will all come together in the end

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LADYJ6942 2/8/2013 11:32AM

    Glad to hear that light bulb came on before it was too late. Sometimes those programs have to be scaled back to fit your needs but it sounds like you've got a great plan. Keep on pushing!!!

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The A to Z of ME!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Saw this on a SparkFriends page! Love it. Reminds me of the early days of Myspace, LOL.

A - Available or married: Married for nearly 5 years (In July) to my soulmate Tim.

B - Book: Any of L. Frank Baums OZ books, Harry Potter series, The Alchemist, a lot of self-help books from Bob Harper and others.

C - Cake or Pie? : Cake. Any cake. Oh poo (I got censored!), now I want cake. (Not happening)

D - Drink of Choice: COFFEE

E - Essential Item: My e-cigarette

F - Favorite Color: Too many to name! Hot Pink, Any variation of purple, and is Leopard Print considered a color???

G - Game to Play or Watch: To play: Resident Evil, Fable, Legend of Zelda (video games, there, if you don't know) and Watch: Football or Basketball

H - Hometown: Wayne, NJ

I - Indulgence: Anything chocolate

J - Job: Temping right now.

K - Kids and Names: Samantha, 6 going on 26, and Justin, just about to turn 2

L - Life is incomplete without: my children and my husband

M - Music Group or Singer: 311. Best positive vibe out there!

N - Number of Siblings: 6: 1 sister (28), 2 half-sisters (8 and 6), and 2 step-sisters (14 and 12)

O - Oranges or Apples? Apples

P - Phobias/ Fears - Spiders and clowns

Q - Favorite Quote: "Be the change you want to see" - Gandhi

R - Reason to smile: my children laughing and playing and happy

S - Season: Summer

T - Tattoos: Getting one soon, before my 30th this June

U - Unknown fact about me? I'm a felon.

V - Vegetable you love: Green beans and cauliflower

W - Worst habit: nail/cuticle biting... I've gotten better but under stress it looks like they went through a meat grinder.

X - X-rays? None that I can remember. But lots of ultra-sounds on my babies!

Y - Your favourite food: My mom's chocolate chess pie, Thanksgiving dinner

Z - Zodiac? Cancer. Definitely a cancer to a T.


The night I tracked my binge....

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am one of those in the habit of making excuses. And I have to say that there is one in particular that I have become expert at making.... using my anger and emotion as an excuse to eat. And eat. AND EAT.

I share my food tracker. Go ahead, take a look at it. I am not ashamed tonight. I'm owning up to what I did to myself. Go look, I dare you. In fact, here, I'll make it even easier... here's the link:

I ate tonight out of anger. I was a day's-worth-of-calories angry. I was angry at my husband for leaving a sink full of dishes. I was angry that my job search wasn't going as successfully as I hoped. I just was so full of anger that I took it out on myself. I was angry looking at people's pictures on Facebook. I was just F'ING ANGRY. It's hard to understand what goes on during a binge, and if you're not a binge eater, it's reasonable to question why anyone would do such a thing to themselves. Well, I'd love to give you an honest answer, but the truth is, I don't have one.

I imagine that it's the same mechanism that causes people to drink, or cut themselves, or do drugs. You lose control of the level-headed self you are and go into something like a black-out, only you're completely conscious and aware. Part of you fights to stop it, but the angry (or sad, or bored) part is stronger at that very moment and you give in to it. Then in a flash you've managed to eat 1600+ calories worth of food and have nothing to show for it. The tears flow.

I never tracked a real binge before. Everyone over-indulges once in a while, but this isn't the same. This is replacing the emotion with food. Hopefully, someone else will read this and be able to relate. I just needed to vent before I further damaged myself and my self-esteem. I have worked so hard for 10lbs, I really don't want to sabotage myself.

I own up to this. This is my mistake, and I made the excuse to do what I did. I OWN IT. And I will start fresh tomorrow, give myself a clean slate, and move on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAOMG13 10/25/2012 8:37PM

    You are soooo right about the political post, Slowder. I can't wait for this frikkin' election to be over already! I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but man, some people can be real a-holes.

I would like to say it's ok to binge once in a while, but it really isn't. It just doesn't solve the problem. I'd really like to try (keyword is TRY) to blog next time before I binge. I also noticed it's much harder to resist the binge during PMS. Grrrrrr!

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SLOWDER6 10/22/2012 6:46PM

    I can totally relate. I also tend to binge. Here's the thing though, I should get angry but instead, I misdirect the anger into something else ... but it almost always leads me to the pantry or the fridge!

I've been trying to misdirect myself from those food areas into doing some sort of physical activity instead now. When I find myself standing with those double doors spread open, eyeballing the shelves for wares, I try to tell myself to go find my cellphone and earbuds, plug up Pandora, and go pound the pavement for a while. It works, some times. Truth is, some times it doesn't but it does let me clear my head.

I can't do exercise videos and get the same release. I get mad at all those skinny b*tches that are dancing around the screen way too easily and it just makes the anger and urge to binge worse.

Funny you all should mention fb. I am spending far less time on there lately and I think I'm better for it. Way too many political pix and arguments go on over my feed. It's almost worse than the darn NEWS on tv. At least with the News, I can change the channel. I can hide the pix on my feed or de-friend people, I guess, but it takes time and effort that I really don't want to give it. You know?

Stay strong! emoticon

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NANCYSINATRA 10/21/2012 12:09PM

    Oh the binge!!! How I hate that so much, and the tears that follow. And how I hate that my DH has no idea and can say ALL the wrong things during one. Great to hear the next day was better.
As for your job search........I have been unemployed now for a little over a year, the longest period since I started working at age 15. I was the primary bread winner too. So for a year, we have struggled financially, had no health insurance, and had to make some huge adjustments. BUT, I have also spent this time getting healthy. I've lost 80 lbs, quit smoking, completed a 5K, and really changed my eating habits. I still have a long way to go. I'm not there yet, and we are now at a point I HAVE to find a job SOON. I apply for several jobs every week, and am still not getting calls. So I just tell myself everyday I'm not working, is one more day I get to work on me and my health ti form "habits" that I can stick with when I do go back to work.
Hope this helps at least with the job search not causing anger.

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SARAOMG13 10/19/2012 6:28PM

    Yes, writing this blog absolutely put me in to check. The trick is to remember to blog BEFORE the binge. Writing it helps, especially when you know you're angry over (seemingly) silly things or things you have no control over.

I think you'll all be happy to know I am having a better day today, back on track and rockin' out!

Thanks for all the support and encouragement!

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CAMAEL100 10/19/2012 5:43AM

    Wow! Well said. I totally relate to that. Being angry with someone else and really just taking it out on oneself! Makes no sense but I do it all the time. I also relate to the totally irrational anger like looking at pictures on facebook. I can often feel like that and not really know why! You are not alone. But the more we think about it and write about it the more aware we are and the more likely we are to beat it!

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    Yes. I have been there, done that. I know exactly what you mean. Move on, simply. Through the guilt and ill feelings, just move onto a clean slate. :)

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ANDYLIN90 10/19/2012 1:02AM

    WOW! This is a powerful blog and kudos to you for posting. But even more important is your statement at the end: "And I will start fresh tomorrow, give myself a clean slate, and move on." As horrible as we feel during and after bingeing, 12 midnight wipes the slate clean and we have a chance to do better. It sounds like you can forgive yourself and that is so important.

No one can understand what binge eating is unless they are a binge eater. For me, I liken it to being in a car without brakes at the top of a long hill. The car teeters on the edge and it's torture as I try to keep the car from starting down the hill. I used to tell myself that a little bit of whatever would be okay and I could stop, but now I know that's just a lie I tell myself. Once the car starts, it can't be stopped until I crash and burn. And then yes, the tears flow.

I have more binge free days now. Learning how to comfort myself without food has helped immensely, identifying the emotions that make me want to tip over that edge and an excellent therapist have been keys for me.

Thanks for posting and much success on your journey.

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Low expectations bring happier surprises

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I want you to try something today. Lower your expectations of yourself or something you want to get done. Are you going to be getting on the scale? Hope for a half pound loss instead of 1 pound. Need to laundry? Tell yourself you'll get 2 loads done instead of 4. Want to eat healthy perfect food all day? Tell yourself you need to eat 2 of your 3 meals perfect instead. You see, this isn't about degrading yourself or figuring you're not good enough to do it. It's freeing you from the self-inflicted pressure that we, as women, tend to create. We strive for perfection and the result of the failure is mostly devastating.

By lowering your expectations, you create something far easier to achieve. I know that when you meet your new goal, you'll feel accomplished. Then, when you find yourself able to go beyond the goal, you'll feel even more proud of yourself for EXCEEDING your expectations. It makes life so less complicated and so less stressful. The added benefit is that you actually do feel good about what you DID get done instead of feeling guilty about what you didn't.

By regularly meeting the bare minimum requirements of your lower goals, you'll be able to gradually build on them and be able to exceed them. It's a win-win for you and for what you need to get done. Releasing that pressure is probably one of the best feelings, and I have to say that I find myself achieving more than I ever would have dreamed of just a month or so ago.

I'm living proof of how this idea works. A little over a month ago, I was in a dark place, as your probably have read in my other blogs. Rock bottom, I like to call it. But one day, I just decided I would set a goal to do the bare minimum exercise. I would walk or bike around my complex at least twice in that first week. That was it. How easy? And once I did, I felt really great about myself and proud that I actually stuck to something I wanted to do. Gone are the days of wanting to workout for an hour 5 days a week. Even then I knew I couldn't do that, so when I pressured myself to do it, I FAILED and sent myself into that vicious cycle of self-hate that I seemed to be stuck in. But now, when I walk out that door with my sneakers on, I set out to do a little, just do something, and you know what, 3 out of 4 times I'll say that I do more than what I expected of myself. With food, I set the weakest goal, honestly, it almost sounds silly: I eat one portion size/plate of food, wait 10 minutes before going for seconds. It's so easy to achieve, and I rarely end up going back for more.

The results of meeting or exceeding my minimum effort have been great. I am down 10lbs in just a few weeks. So go ahead, plan to do the minimum this week, whatever that is for you. Slash your goal in half. The achievement high you'll get will beat the disappointment of failure, and you'll feel so much better about yourself. I promise!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAOMG13 10/14/2012 12:38PM

    OMG, I probably could fill a notebook too! LOL Interesting thought, there. When I was seeing a therapist, she advised me that I tended to micromanage myself too much, so I cut back. But I used to list everything out. I've really had to adjust myself to not feel so committed to getting everything done in a day. Thanks for the comment!

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SLOWDER6 10/13/2012 9:04PM

    If this works for you, definitely go for it! I bought myself a spiral notebook at Dollar Tree and I actually wrote down EVERYthing I did a few days a week. I mean EVERY thing: Get up, Take Shower, Get kids up, remind kids about "x" at school today, drive kids to school, unload dishwasher, etc. ... right down to brush teeth before bed at night. It took up PAGES. Seriously, we do A LOT during the day. If you tried to write down everything you THOUGHT about doing on top of what you actually do, it'd probably fill the darn thing! It can really be a good pick-me-up! It helped me and you might think about giving that a whirl sometime too. You might be shocked to find out just how much you accomplish in a day.

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Getting it DONE, no matter what...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The last few days have been pretty exhausting for me. Running around with the kids, taking testing for a (hopefully) new job, interviews, work, cooking, cleaning.... it is true that a woman's work never ends. That coupled with my recent bout of insomnia has got me feeling worn out by the end of the day.

If one good thing is to come out of only getting 6 hours of sleep a night, it's that I wake up just motivated enough to get my workouts in. This morning I rode 3 laps around my apt. complex on my bike. I enjoy the lack of competition for road space from cars, the overall quietness of the dawn, the cooler temperature. Sometimes I even get to see some stars. Even though I am working out hard (for me, anyway, lol), the early, and I mean EARLY, workouts have this sense of peace about them that you just don't get at night. The only ones up to judge me are my cats, and I'm pretty sure they don't care that I'm covered in sweat so long as I keep that food dish filled.

The best thing about all that would be the sense of accomplishment. I don't have the whole day to "Dread" exercise or make up excuses for myself. A big challenge that I overcame and gave into a little bit last night was getting my evening workout done. I drop my daughter off for cheerleading practice and take my son for walk around downtown Bixby every Wednesday night. But last night I really just wanted to sit around. I also was not in the mood to cook and my daughter conveniently requested a Happy Meal. Ooooh, McNuggets... the bane of my very existence. In my mind, I knew there was no way in H-E-Double Hockey sticks that I was going to be able to skip my workout AND get mcnuggets and possibly feel good about myself. SO I made myself a deal. Workout a little bit longer than usual, and you too, Mommy, can get yourself a chicken McNugget Happy Meal. I ended up walking nearly 40 minutes (I usually do 25). I got my Happy Meal. Life is good. First fast food in 3 weeks, not really proud of it, but that's a big deal for someone who was eating it every day. A cheat here and there (and I mean OCCASIONALLY) is ok, that's something regular dieting Sara would have never gone for. Having a Happy Meal would have been the collapse of a diet and the start of a 3 day binge. No more "forbidden" foods. Just have to compromise. Just part of changing for the better I guess!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GHOSTFLAMES 10/11/2012 6:20AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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