Sunday, December 01, 2013
Today I reset my SparkPage! I hope to get on track differently this time!
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Today was emotional. But, I stuck to my eating goals. I stuck to being on my feet for 6+ hours. And I am proud to say, some of the excess inches are already starting to wilt away! I am blessed I am able to loose the weight at all.... I thank God for another amazing day. And I so look forward to tomorrow!
Monday, November 04, 2013
WOW! Today can only be said, to be BiPolar. And I must thank Adam for hanging in there with me. The day began good. And then I realized I lost my bus pass I needed to get to work, that cost poor Adam money. So, Adam fixed it. Then the day got great again when I got to work 40 minutes ahead of schedule. As the day wore on, and 5 hours into my shift, hunger set in. And I got depressive. I have been eating a lot lately, and I don't know if it was hunger, or my longing for food, but I crashed: emotionally, physically, and mentally. As I left work, I was proud of myself, but found myself walking around with a jar of Jiffy, looking foolish. Then my day got weird, as I got sick in Bank of America. Yet, I left overwhelmed and full of joy after Hasan said he would work with Adam and I. As I accidentally took the wrong bus home, I got an 1 1/2 tour of Natick, that was unnecessary. But, I got here. I then informed Adam of the Bank fiasco right as my HUGE medically problem got solved. Then I ran into a brick wall when I was hit with the possibility that I may loose my son that passed away's photos. Now, due to my brain injury, I don't remember much about Anthony other than he was born and died. I don't remember his appearance, smell, touch, anything. I understand that it isn't my fault and that it is due to the head trauma, but so many emotions ran thru me. TONS OF EMOTIONS. And I ended up having a massive breakdown on Adam and took a lot of it out on him via text. Even after he solved the problem, I found myself so overwhelmed that I just couldn't stop crying. Adam luckily got me to pull it together and I ended up having a mostly healthy dinner. Needless to say, it has only been about an hour since the end of my melt down, and I now need to prepare for tomorrow's day. So, I am going to focus on the necessary, and forget about my internet fun for the day. Regardless, today was a day of emotions good and bad. Adam, thank you, yet again. And publicly, I AM DEEPLY SORRY! Thank you God for another day. Thank you for everything you blessed me with, and thank you for not giving me more than I can handle; even though at the time I thought it was to much!
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Ok, I need a moment here, TO POST A REMINDER, GOAL, and VENT. I was looking thru my pictures from my trip to Boston and I was sitting here uncomfortable. I went into the bathroom and began to look in the mirror the way woman do when their about to have a breakdown. I am about 170 pounds. I am uncomfortable in my size 10's and it is hard to bend, stretch, and honestly: pick up the stuff I drop.
In August I found out I needed to dramatically gain weight. I was 109 pounds in the beginning of August. I also found out I was no longer able to take my pain meds, smoke marijuana, or cigarettes. I began to eat A LOT! It is really hard for me to gain weight after all of my digestive surgeries and since the reconstruction in 2010, but 109 was the smallest I had been since I was married. Like in 2004. When Jed got home on August 20th, we were eating out constantly. That added to it. Then after I got home in October from my 15 days in county, I ate everything in sight. I missed food so bad, I ate everything. I admit in one moment of weakness I ate a whole pizza for breakfast and followed it up with a pizza for lunch. Even Jed was yelling at me for eating so much. I swear he said, "Stop eating", one day.
When I was 13, I was a bit over 250 pounds. But it had a lot to do with medication, lack of movement, and a serious depression problem. I haven't seen 170 pounds since I was 17 or 8 months pregnant. Obesity is a genetic disposition in my family. I am not saying my aunts and grandma are fat, but after a certain age, the woman find it hard to get under a target weight and fall in the high BMI range.
170 pounds at 5'7" with a 60 pound gain in 3 1/2 months regardless of any health situation, is NOT ok. I am no longer in a healthy range. I am no longer in a range where I am happy or comfortable. And this is my fault. I honestly consume 2500-3700 calories a day. I LIKE FOOD! I like Subway. Dunkin Donuts. I like chocolate. I like it all at once. I like cheese. I like a lot of cheese. And pasta, well its cheep! So, I like pasta. My doctor however, is not going to like me pretty soon. And I DO NOT like the back pain. The neck pain. The tightness in my pants. Or the horrid sounds I make as I bend to pick up the pen I drop some 5 1/2 feet to the ground. LOLOLOL!
So, I want to find a health buddy. Obviously by net, because my friends are a good 300 miles away from me. I want to find someone to exercise and be proud with. I want an accountability buddy. And I want someone who will talk to me, and tell me to put that 3rd King sized candy bar down. I can't imagine running right now, but even in July I was able to run a consistent 3-5 miles a day. I think I would go to begin and either drop or get to the store and decide to quit. I know I have to start small, but it is time to start. And I still am unable to medically to drop too much of it. So, as I sit here with my muffin top busting out of my once too large skinny jeans, I am going to set a goal of 2 pounds a week. Starting NOW! Please, someone jump on my wagon. Jed will be here in a couple of weeks, and although he is amazing and would except me anyway I am, I don't want him to see my 3 chins and wonder when it is going to end. Here is to goals, health, and loving ones-self!
P.S. I will also soon update the pictures. As I feel I am living a lie...
Monday, October 28, 2013
Today is the day I decide to take control of my weight again. I have gained a lot of weight since I was here last. It is discouraging. I got down to 130 pounds and after an emotional two months, I am back up to 165. I hate the extra weight. I feel run down, tired, my back and neck hurt bad, and I feel so unattractive! So, today I am making a vital effort to take control of myself again. I know the problem. I have been eating enough for 4-5 people at each meal. I realize it may be emotional eating. Today, I also begin to write in my food diary. I hope, that this will help me gain control of my eating!
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