Monday, August 19, 2013
Well, the scale finally moved slightly. :) Went back up again after being invited out for pizza and beers with hubby's boss, but at least it's generally moving down. I'm in a 'challenge' of sorts this week with someone in an online fitness group I belong to--so I'm going to be busy busy! Gotta rack up those workout points. :)
Hubs and I had what I thought was a good conversation last week. Managed to convey what was bothering me without being demanding or accusatory or hostile. Just...talk. Of course, there's not much point in talking if it falls on deaf ears...this weekend came and went with zero effort put into anything. I bit my tongue and simply refused to say anything...what's the point? I can't force him to want anything different.
I've gone from being angry all the time and wanting to leave, to NOT wanting to leave but realizing how sad and empty I feel here. I'm starting to feel stuck and a little hopeless. If talking to him warrants no change...
Sunday, August 11, 2013
My oh my...I remember making Day 1. It's August already? Where did summer go? Where did the YEAR go?? Lol.
I'm still stuck at the same weight. Not sure what's going on with that--I seem to be balking at the idea of logging my food again, and I don't know why. Everything else is good and in order...so maybe it's just a lazy thing. Or one of those things where it seems harder to start, but once you get started it's okay. Gotta get over that hump, I guess. Really want to get into the 130's by fall's end. Hovering near 150 is NOT okay anymore.
My sweet darling husband...is still on the end of my rope. I've never had such serious thoughts of leaving, divorcing....I just feel like I'm being held down. It's hard to explain...when I actually think about leaving, though, I don't see any advantages to it beyond being able to do my own thing without having someone else in my space irritating me. Which is a pretty stupid reason to leave. I had a really looooong talk with a good friend yesterday, and aired out some stuff. She's in the same boat....feeling like she and her hubs bring out the worst in each other, instead of the best. We both can't quite figure out when or how that changed. I definitely know that, at least on my end, a lot of it was perpetuated by me. Things that I can't undo or 'make right'. (how do you un-move, un-buy a house, and suddenly decide you want to have babies?? Ugh.) Not completely my fault, since there were a lot of assumptions (assuming I would just want to have kids at some point, when I made it clear I never would from the beginning). But it goes both ways I guess. At this point I need to find it within me to....carry on with my life in the best way suited to me. Hopefully he comes along for the ride. If not...well, that's what we'll deal with later. The hardest part is going to be for me to start finding the means to be self-supportive. Going to school? Not sure about that yet. Seems like the next logical step. But not if I can't figure out what to do or learn or become with schooling.
Weird how things work. You get everything you think you want....only to find out it's not everything you thought you would want. I guess as humans, we are meant to grow and evolve and move forward...but why does that entail so much potential hurt and pain???
Ack. Tabernac. Bozhe moi. SP does not understand foreign swearing hopefully. Not that bozhe is technically swearing lol.
Monday, July 29, 2013
...in the form of a cold lol I appreciate my job, but not necessarily the exposure to the dozens of grubby little germ-carrying darlings each day. I've had so many dang colds this year...and I'm a cranky germ carrier. Nothing chafes me more than not being able to do what I want because of GERMS. Lol.
I guess it was our anniversary last week, and we both totally forgot lol. Hence we didn't do too much. A nice movie night was suggested, but sitting in a theatre for 2+ hours all clogged up was not my idea of fun. Hopefully this weekend instead.
My weight hit a new low briefly, then I got sick--which tends to make my eating drift towards high carb/processed things. Not sure if that's just a habit, or my body desiring foods that are easier to process and break down. Both, maybe. The idea of eating the steak I have in the fridge just seems too..heavy right now..
...Am I the only one who has a really hard time seeing myself objectively? I'm talking quite literally here--as in, I look in the mirror, and sometimes I see a strength and muscles and a stronger stance and solid form--other times I see the complete opposite--flabby and weak and almost no muscle and big protruding belly. I think I've written about this before--which one is the 'real' me, what do I truly look like? Do people see 'strength' and confidence when I walk around in a tank top, proudly exposing my arms and shoulders--or do they see 'old lady arms'-someone old who thinks she's all that, but isn't, and do they just shake their head and laugh internally at me?
....Re-reading this a while later, and realizing that it isn't really relevant. Facts are, I'm better than I was. I can feel the muscle, see some of them, and the scale and measuring tape reflect that. And even at my worst, I'm constantly getting better. So it's all...transient. Or is it transitional? Lol. And finite, really. At some point as I get older I will lose the ability to put on any more muscle or improve much of anything, and will be mainly focused on slowing down the things that are deteriorating. So I need to keep striving, now, while I'm still fully capable of it.
Keep on keeping on.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
....because we all need to air out a little sometimes...
There has to be more to life that this, dear husband. This...sitting and clicking and playing and clicking and playing. When you're on your deathbed--is that what you want to look back and be proud of? That you spent so much of your life killing soooo many bad guys.....on a video game? Is that it? It the hit...the high you get from achieving that....so blinding that you can't see you achieve NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING. It's a copout, an easy way to float through existing without having to deal with the realities of existing.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose. You were a drug addict in your youth. This is...an extension of that. All nice and legal and stuff, but still has the same effect. You can escape from reality, and live in your little fantasy world, where all your focus goes into beating some game. And hey, when you do beat it, don't you feel great? Look at what you accomplished! Except....you didn't accomplish anything. Anything that matters. What you accomplished was successfully escaping and living in your happy bubble. Again. For the 1,032 weekend in a row now.
I don't know. I look at this and I want to scream. I look at myself, and see the same tendencies, and get even angrier because at least I'm TRYING to get out of it. I shudder at the idea of the rest of my life being nothing more than this. I think about going back to school--for no other reason that to feel like I'm doing something to LIVE in my life. Which is probably a pretty lame reason to go back to school and incur all that debt lol.
I can't decide....if the reason it chafes me so much....is because it's a reflection of the part of me that I dislike most....or if it's a deep-seated fear that, in order for me to evolve and more forward, I may have to leave him behind. I....that's the last thing I want. But how do I reconcile how I want to live my life with how he lives his? Can I do that? I fear that this is the kind of thing that leads to marriage breakdowns...having 2 people living such completely different lives. I keep hesitating in my quest to move forward because I just don't want to even open the door to start down that road. Except I think I already have.....
He seems to have a bit of insecurity/jealousy regarding my trainer. I found it silly, since there is zero chance of any kind of infidelity on my part (or my trainer! He's a really devoted family guy)...but I began to realize that it's probably not so much about that..me cheating or finding someone more physically appealing... it's more about finding a LIFEstyle that excites me and interests me that he has nothing to do with. The trainer kind of represents that in a personified form. I've invited him to my gym, but he's clearly uncomfortable and self-conscious about it--which is fine! He doesn't have to like exactly what I like. But.....why can't he just like....something? Anything?
Gawd I am so tired of being the one to make all the decisions. Just...be a man and figure out what you want to do YOURSELF. It's okay, really. I'll actually respect you as a person more if you can do things independently of me.
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